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A Penny For Your Thought, Part 9

Old 05-16-2007, 04:10 PM
  # 101 (permalink)  
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anvil i was just about to say that its ok to say that you could use a cocttail but what will you do. seems like your dreams did began to come true, rather than being shattered and lost. they seemed to have only been altered a little but all for the better.
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Old 05-16-2007, 04:30 PM
  # 102 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by teke View Post
jewelz, the more i think about how i went on that rage the days coming up to my ah's relapse, it makes sense what someone said about internalizing and being just about at the breaking point. i think, looking over a lot of the post, isn't it kind of common for us to go through those stages or something like that?

i would do all i could to stay calm and not feed into his drama but every once in a while, i felt like just letting him have it. probably didn't do the situation any good but it did make me feel better for a minute. i keep waiting to think that the dumb stuff that i've done and wasn't suppose to do, was the worst things that i ever could have done, but then its his job to make me feel that way, i guess so i won't act that way again. my ah would try to make me feel like the idiot for acting out because of the way i felt behind his behavior. ok, maynot make sense, i'm just thinking
Teke that all makes sense and is perfectly normal. Today I was talking to a girlfriend who 30 years ago left an addict and she was about 30. SHe said when she left and she really had to hide at first she no longer loved him, but it still hurt and was still hard, yet she knew she couldnt go back. So even what you and I are feeling and no matter where we end up how we feel or dont feel is also normal.

Im really going abck and forth between sadness and anger today. Sad because for a few weeks things almost seemed like a normla happy marriage,except the Friday night disappearance and reappearing with the sun, it was nice. But it never stays at that level as we all here know, if it did and wwasnt progressive we may not all be here today.
MIL is switching from ally to he'd be better if I had stayed away before, and more blah blah Whatever.... I could say similar but Im not going there. Each time we patched things before it was one of us reacting to what she said. Not this time. Same stand, he has to become responsible and care for us from afar for 6 months, we all know that couldnt happen consistently if he was using. ANd we all know he's no closer to getting there than he was the day I said dont come back
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Old 05-16-2007, 05:28 PM
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good that you too are on the same page now, even though seems like she wants to put a little blame on you, but like you said, maybe you could have gone there too. my mil is so much worse in my opinion. most of the time we had blow outs other than his drug use, which came to be a lot, it was because of something my mil had said, a lot of that came from the fact that she needed him there with her for any financial help she could get at that time, so she was just fine with saying things that would cause friction between to two of us. don't know how she is now cause she has down sized her living arrangements since she was evicted from the last place cause ah just could not hold himself together.

i kind of think that the longer they are out and the more the addiction progresses, the closer they may get to their own distruction bringing them closer to a place where they may finally see that they need help. all of this still sometimes takes time, i think that they will do all they can to do it on their own and prove to themselves and to others that they can, and from time to time, it may look like its working but the question would be for how long, and how long are we willing to wait. ok, does this make any sense.

i kept trying to do it on my own too. during that time, i realized that it was useless to keep saying what i was gonna do, my family was tired of hearing it. i thought the only way that i would win my family back was to prove to myself and them that i was gonna do just what i said. it came a time where i just didn't want to promise them anything that i was not sure that i could do, so i didn't make any promises, i think at that time all i wanted to do was surprize them with me doing good, having gotten myself together.

i remember the last time i got sober, i didn't contact my ah until after i thought i was well on my way to togetherness. i had gotten my own place, new furniture, gained weight and looking good. was even able to have a few new clothes and had the kids looking good and was now going to church regularly again. then it was like i was saying "see, i told you that i was gonna do better". only thing about that is that there still has to be a commitment or it won't last.

there came a time that i didn't want to see anyone until i got myself together. i was too ashamed of myself. i guess i'm just rambling again
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Old 05-16-2007, 05:54 PM
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Thanks to both of you for sharing. Teke, ramble on, I like it. That is likely my AHs intent, get money together and prove it to me. He'll lie abit that its better single ect, just like Ill say Im happier alone, but there is so much I miss.n Its just not worth the pain either of him being here.

Blues, the first time we separated was in December of this year. Separated Dec 16, he left the state. I heard through MIL how horrible his dad was being, crazy ect. Dec 30 he called saying he couldnt take it he was coming home. I said No, but then I thought of what MIL said earlier and I said I will not stop you. He was back 10 hours later. We had 10 good days and he decided to get beer. By the next day he haad consiumed several bottles and crack and haad our son, he was a mad man and my dad came to get me and the kids. I stayed at my parents a weeka nd moved in here. 2 weeks later I felt rejected was crying told his mom how much I loved him and while wanted to be apart wanted to still hang out and date each other . We ended up spending that night together and he was staying every night within a week. That pretty much brings us to present and me telling him 5 and a half weeks ago, that was enough. This is the longest ever, however we were intimate roughly 3 weeks ago, so I think we are in that way right at the place we fall back into it again, maybe thats why this week has been so rough. I feel rejected, biut Im not. He chose to use, but I chose for him to leave, even calling the police when he arrived that one morning
Im getting exactly what I asked for, but its new to me so I feel scared and abondanded when in reality Im not
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Old 05-16-2007, 06:47 PM
  # 105 (permalink)  
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cinder, i know it feels like a life time since it hasn't been this long before, but remember, everything is progressive with addicts, i mean everything. at first we went from being seperated one wk then it progressed once to almost 3 yrs. he's gone now, and i feel like our seperation is just beginning and its been a month or so. i really don't expect for him to even try to contact us if ever, right now. he may try about 5 or 6 months from now but maybe never. try to be strong, he'll get around to calling you, maybe to tell you he's doing good, or to say that he just can't live without you or just that he wants to come home. there will be something if nothing more than to do what my ah did once, he call wanting to borrow toothpaste in some foil after about 6 months of no contact, i mean he was about 20 miles away, imagine that
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Old 05-16-2007, 06:59 PM
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Well hopefully before it gets to that he'll send $, but not really counting on it. Im sure though he always plans on it and something just gets in the way and we all know what that is...
If I work on me and no more need validation the longer he's away the less Ill care when he comes around. At least I hope thats how it will work
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Old 05-16-2007, 07:11 PM
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it seems like as soon as i get really ok with him being gone and i'm doing so much better emotionally and have found my nick financially, here he comes. well thats his pattern in the past, this time it does feel a little different though and i know that i feel a little different even if it don't always sound like it.
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Old 05-16-2007, 07:56 PM
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Leave it alone blues, sooner or later you will hear. Do something for you instead
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Old 05-16-2007, 08:49 PM
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in the past, whenever i tried to contact his family, sooner or later, they would tell him that i called, in a way that helped him so that he wouldn't have to worry about me and what i was doing or not doing. i think that as long as he don't hear from you, that he may wonder more about you just like you are wondering about him. i think they'll even call sometimes just to see how you are thinking. they'll judge where you are mentally by your attitude when they do call. you know, to see if they have to worry about you not being there for them when they need you to be. does this make sense.

my ah told me once that when i'm thinking about him the most, he's probably thinking about us just as much. sometimes i have to tell myself that even if its not the truth. he would also call after a few months or so, just to ask, why haven't somebody called him, then he'd say that nobody cared and that we must be doing good without him. once he flat out ask, "why is it when he calls that i always say that we are doing just fine". like he might have been waiting until i called him or something, hoping that our world would be crashing because he's not around.
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Old 05-16-2007, 09:07 PM
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For me the fear of him feeling like we are fine without him and that he hads no reason to get better scares me...............I KNOW he has all the reasons to get better now and doesnt so it really wouldnt matter what I said ....we're fine or we're miserable he'll use if he chooses but still I have a hard time feeling like " I may take away his options" and then what if he dies or killed himself going......All the way back out...........
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Old 05-16-2007, 09:19 PM
  # 111 (permalink)  
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liesagain, i think that when he's really ready to get better, it won't matter what you do or don't do, say or don't say, he'll do it because he NEEDS to get better for himself.

when i finally got sick of myself, it didn't matter if i had a family or not to go to, it wasn't because of them and the fact that they were there, it was because i couldn't take me anymore. they could have never wanted to see me again, i still wanted to get clean and sober, it was for me.

i tried to do it for my family, again for my job, again because of legal issues, again for this reason or that reason, but when i really got ready, there were no more reasons to get sober because of other than i thought that if i didn't, i was gonna die out there. i think that unless he gets clean and sober for himself, it is likely that it won't last long.

in my opinion, when my ah thinks that he is on the verge of losing the things he want to most, that gives him something to fight for, as long as he knows that we are somewhere waiting, he finds it a little easier to continue his drug use. i know as long as i thought my family was there and my life was sort of on the shelf waiting on me, i took my time about trying to get better.

sometimes it does take for an addict to lose all or to think that they've lost all, before they have that strong determination to do whatever it takes to get clean and stay clean.
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Old 05-16-2007, 09:31 PM
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as long as my ah thought that we needed him or was gonna not make it unless he was there to help us make it, he kept right on useing and would say in a heart beat, if i don't like his life style that either i could leave or he would, i tell you, he'd step over boundaries, do whatever he wanted to and got an attitude if i didn't just be ok with it, he thought that i needed him so badly that i would except whatever just to have him around or that i'd be there waiting to take him back whenever he decided to come back home. he thought that the choice was his because he thought that we needed him so he could go and come at will.

not to say that he thought that we could just walk back in, but he knew all the right things to say and do just long enough for him to get back in the door. it was sheer manipulation. he knew that we needed him and when he was ready, he'd start working on my emotions.

now when he thought that maybe he needed to straighten up for fear of losing his family, then it would take him less time to start his manipulative tricks to get back in. i hope this makes sense, i think i'm just typing whatever rolls off right now.
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Old 05-17-2007, 04:41 AM
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Blues dont be so hard on yourself. Its just another spot the grow in. Your Ah sounds much like mine, if he really forgot whyd he show up at all?
Teke, ramble on it all makes sense and I can so relate it to my AH. When he called last he was searching for we miss you and validation, he didnt get it. Im sure thats why he hasnt called back.

Lies again, we are all in the same boat, but they need to get better for them not us or its only temporary. Remember that and remain strong you are doing great.

I feel better today, hormones must be subsiding. bout time and hey its Thursday already. We just have to get through 2 more days to the weekend.

I have so much to do this weekend!!! But thats okay it wil keep me busy and focused.

My dog is becoming my best pal. She's definately settling to no drama and starting to behave better.

I was thinking last night, before Ah when Id feel alone or lonely Id make myself get up and exercise (toning things Teke, not weight losing) it worked and I looked and felt great so Im gonna try to do that now. The sadder or lonelier I feel the more of a workout and the end result... Ill be more beautiful. Anyone else want to try it too?
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Old 05-17-2007, 06:03 AM
  # 114 (permalink)  
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I am sorry blues about the Drama your ah is causing doesnt it always seem to be about them and doing everything when its a good time for them. Boy I dont miss that. I dont miss the disappearing I dont miss the I'm sorry phone calls nothing. I remember sitting on the phone with him crying after he disappeared for 3 days saying u come home RIGHT now. Listening to his excuse his I'm sorrys. I missed him when he was gone but I knew it wouldnt work out. Knew he has/had another path to follow one that would have held me back and just dragged me down.

Oh the drama just take the focus off of him and back on your peacefullness and your serenity. Hes an addict selfish and thinks of himself and his needs and until he is ready to change u know u cant count on him bottom line. Next time he sets up a meeting dont wait for him. My fiance learned really quick I have a 5min rule. Thats how long I will give u to show up late. Our first date he was 7min late and I was already gone. Oh well he could have called. After my exab making me wait I will no longer wait for NO one. My time is too important to wait on someone cause they couldnt put the effort forth to be on time. ok rant over

good morning ladies. I have an interview this morning fingers crossed!
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Old 05-17-2007, 06:53 AM
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Today Ive passed through the sad phase into anger. Not necessarily at him but the whole situation. Financially I deal with his consequences. Im struggling with groceries spending $60 for 2 weeks worth and I find out power company tacked bill from old house on to mine. I have to pay $300 ($220 of it his) by the 1st or I lose power. Im angry just to be in this mess and know on the first Ill be making another morgage payment on the house he's in. GRRRRRR

(Feels much better than sad.) Think MIL would care, no she's mad I only brouoght 4 diapers and no tennis shoes. You know what...
...hit Ah up for it Im broke.
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Old 05-17-2007, 06:54 AM
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My internet will eb down this morning, check in with you all later
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Old 05-17-2007, 07:09 AM
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Hey-update. BIL went by SILs. He's lost 45 pounds. He was begging for help. There is no power, no toilet paper and no food. Detox was full. MIL is going to court order him to treatment.

They asked me if Id write a statement about AH as well and we mutually file it. HMMM. If he goes in I can clean up and sell the house and get a court order to prevent him from returning....
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Old 05-17-2007, 07:38 AM
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cinder - i know how you feel about maintaining it for him and you too...just gets to be too much after awhile and i know that i have yet to hear hey, thanks for paying my car insurance this month.
Im not maintaining anything for him. I will not lose my home.
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Old 05-17-2007, 07:50 AM
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has AH asked for help?
Course not and I dont care. Because he's married they need me to sign to.

You know what the groceries at the store-he just grabbed a basket. Clif says they were there for beer, without money. AH was trying to use his charms to bum $ off girls, he succeeded in enought for a 12 pack.
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Old 05-17-2007, 08:45 AM
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Teke, last night I read your reply to me and you gave me a lot to think about. I keep everything inside of me always trying to be the strong one, have everything together, not let things phase me but its building I feel it in my bones. Last night was rough getting home, abf got sent home from work and I was drained mentally and physically. But I did do something for myself. I was able to get a free order of flowers because the one they sent to my mom was missing one so I complained through email and they sent me a whole new bouquet, vase, chocolates everything. After I had gotten Michael to sleep I cleaned up my room real good, took everything off of my long buroe (SP) and put my flowers on that alone with just a few little things there. It look beautiful and so relaxing.

Blues, thanks I will try to be careful but yeah I do lose it more easily when the kids are not with me.

Anvil, I was waiting to hear how your meeting went. It seems to have gone real well and its great how you to were able to speak so well.

Made me think of my daughters dad we dont speak at all, his doing ....he's a angry, miserable, and a dry drunk if he is sober. But I have to say I miss being able to talk with him even about our daughter. We knew eachother since we were 12 years old grew up together and were together for almost ten years. If anything we were always able to talk and I hope someday in the future we could sit down and have a cup of coffee together.
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