What To Do? Need Advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: dallas
Posts: 19
What To Do? Need Advice
i drove from dallas to houston to visit with family (my parents are down here from the middle east)... and my AH has been at home in dallas.. he hasn't been to work in 3 days. my neighbour checked on him and said he's just laying on the sofa huddled under a blanket (this is what he does when he's inbetween using or coming down). i called his mom and let her know.
he hasn't missed these many days of work in a year.
i drive back home tomorrow. my plan is to just let it be (let go and let god) but urge he heads to work on monday ( i realize i can't make him do anything). i know he's not ready to move beyond his pain/addiction. and my interview for the green card is june 4th and he is required to be there (who know he might leave me high and dry)
i'm not sure what this behvaiour means... i feel it's to sabotage my happiness.
but i have to live with him... what do you'll suggest i do? (my heart says do nothing. but he's sick... and i wonder if not doing nothing is wrong too...). he's 30 and he is fully aware of all his treatment options. he is the only one that pays the bills (on the other hand everything is in my name)
thanks
he hasn't missed these many days of work in a year.
i drive back home tomorrow. my plan is to just let it be (let go and let god) but urge he heads to work on monday ( i realize i can't make him do anything). i know he's not ready to move beyond his pain/addiction. and my interview for the green card is june 4th and he is required to be there (who know he might leave me high and dry)
i'm not sure what this behvaiour means... i feel it's to sabotage my happiness.
but i have to live with him... what do you'll suggest i do? (my heart says do nothing. but he's sick... and i wonder if not doing nothing is wrong too...). he's 30 and he is fully aware of all his treatment options. he is the only one that pays the bills (on the other hand everything is in my name)
thanks
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
glad to hear that you got to visit with your parents but i'm sorry about your situation. i don't know, since you say that he's paying the bills and maybe you don't have a solid plan of action, i think maybe not do anything right now, maybe you could just wait to see how he reacts and why he isn't going to work. if he's using, you'll know. i think maybe its time for you to make a plan of action, maybe start putting away a little money when you can, just in case you have to one day stick to your boundaries or that you decide that you've had enough and he's not willing to go for treatment. i think its time to figure out how you are to take care of yourself with or without him. addicts are not the the most dependable person to have to depend on. addiction does get worse unless the addict chooses to recover and stick with it. keeping you and yours in my prayers. btw, have you gone to any meetings yet?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: dallas
Posts: 19
he is using... my neighbour said so... i do go to therapy, al-anon meetings etc.
i don't like to ask anything because i get a lie in return. it's just hard to figure out what's the right thing to do when it's just a husband and wife.
i am saving some money on the side.
i heard somewhere that giving someone the space they need to grow is the biggest gift you can give... but there are realities of life that exist. he is fully aware that if he doesn't go to work the bills don't get paid.
i don't like to ask anything because i get a lie in return. it's just hard to figure out what's the right thing to do when it's just a husband and wife.
i am saving some money on the side.
i heard somewhere that giving someone the space they need to grow is the biggest gift you can give... but there are realities of life that exist. he is fully aware that if he doesn't go to work the bills don't get paid.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
knowing what to do is so hard sometimes, yes i believe giving space is the best thing you can do, there really is not much else you can do. i do know how it is to depend on someone else to pay the bills, i've been doing this off and on for 21 yrs of my marriage and i don't work and had 7 kids to consider. i do understand.
with addiction, sometimes those realities of life just goes out the window and it does get worse. there is nothing you can do to make an addict want to stop. the choice is all theirs, thats why its important to take care of you. glad to hear that you are already getting help for yourself. i had to seperate myself from all the drama, his addictive behavior was literally driving me insane. sorry that i don't have any other advice, i'm curious to know what to do too. still praying for you and yours
others will be along shortly who can better advise you, so try to hang on.
with addiction, sometimes those realities of life just goes out the window and it does get worse. there is nothing you can do to make an addict want to stop. the choice is all theirs, thats why its important to take care of you. glad to hear that you are already getting help for yourself. i had to seperate myself from all the drama, his addictive behavior was literally driving me insane. sorry that i don't have any other advice, i'm curious to know what to do too. still praying for you and yours
others will be along shortly who can better advise you, so try to hang on.
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Yes honey Teke is right on with what she has to say.
The disease of addiction is a terrible thing but until the addict themself has enough of it all they just keep using.
You & yours will be in mt thoughts and prayers,
Love,
Diane
The disease of addiction is a terrible thing but until the addict themself has enough of it all they just keep using.
You & yours will be in mt thoughts and prayers,
Love,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Auckland, new Zealand
Posts: 93
Hi Malihas
Im the alcoholic/addict.
So I will just give you my opinion on how I had the WAKE up call from loved ones.
I was in the place of drinking everyday (sometimes using other substances too) Sleeping on the couch alot and doing nothing, I didnt turn up to work for 3 days so I had to quit. Finally I got confronted by someone about my behaviour. I was a bit resentful at first, but it finally sunk in! Now I didnt race off to a detox/rehab. It was a process that I had to go through, there was denyal, hate, anger, sadness, and resentfullness that I had to battle through in my head everyday to come to the conclusion that I actuallly wanted to change.
One of the biggest eye openers was when a friend of mine emailed me and said ...
"I would appreciate it if you do not contact me anymore until you have your life sorted and have taken steps to get better, I dont want any negative people around me as I find they are draining and drag me down"
Gosh I got angry, who the F**K was she to say that to me. But the thing is it woke me up!
Okay I can ramble quite a bit so I will get to the point. If your AH's behaviour is really bothering you and you feel that you can no longer rely on him. why not confront him? tell him how you are feeling, remind him of the green card interview. Then see what he says? if he is resistant to your comments then just get on with your life. do you love him? truely, or are you only there for the easy road with him paying the bills? Is it really worth all this hassel in life to stay with him? Now Im not saying leave him, I Just wanted you to ask yourself some blunt questions too. Sometimes having a plan can give you HOPE everymorning that you wake up.
Maybe give him a time limit to start pulling his finger out of his a_S hole. LIke I said its a process to go through to come to that place of wanting to change. Now everyone is different. My AB hit rock bottom last week and has not touched a drink since, we went to the doctors to find that it was depression and he got some medication to help. Maybe your AH is worrying about something???
Keep up with the saving like what Teke said, a back up plan is always good.
I really pray that God will give you the wisdom in how to deal with this.
take care and keep us posted with the outcome!
Hugs X
misslisa
Im the alcoholic/addict.
So I will just give you my opinion on how I had the WAKE up call from loved ones.
I was in the place of drinking everyday (sometimes using other substances too) Sleeping on the couch alot and doing nothing, I didnt turn up to work for 3 days so I had to quit. Finally I got confronted by someone about my behaviour. I was a bit resentful at first, but it finally sunk in! Now I didnt race off to a detox/rehab. It was a process that I had to go through, there was denyal, hate, anger, sadness, and resentfullness that I had to battle through in my head everyday to come to the conclusion that I actuallly wanted to change.
One of the biggest eye openers was when a friend of mine emailed me and said ...
"I would appreciate it if you do not contact me anymore until you have your life sorted and have taken steps to get better, I dont want any negative people around me as I find they are draining and drag me down"
Gosh I got angry, who the F**K was she to say that to me. But the thing is it woke me up!
Okay I can ramble quite a bit so I will get to the point. If your AH's behaviour is really bothering you and you feel that you can no longer rely on him. why not confront him? tell him how you are feeling, remind him of the green card interview. Then see what he says? if he is resistant to your comments then just get on with your life. do you love him? truely, or are you only there for the easy road with him paying the bills? Is it really worth all this hassel in life to stay with him? Now Im not saying leave him, I Just wanted you to ask yourself some blunt questions too. Sometimes having a plan can give you HOPE everymorning that you wake up.
Maybe give him a time limit to start pulling his finger out of his a_S hole. LIke I said its a process to go through to come to that place of wanting to change. Now everyone is different. My AB hit rock bottom last week and has not touched a drink since, we went to the doctors to find that it was depression and he got some medication to help. Maybe your AH is worrying about something???
Keep up with the saving like what Teke said, a back up plan is always good.
I really pray that God will give you the wisdom in how to deal with this.
take care and keep us posted with the outcome!
Hugs X
misslisa
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
June 4th is a long time away. Is he integral to the green card process? In other words, without him, will you get deported? What would you do if he were in a car accident the day before your green card interview and couldn't attend? You might forumlate a back up plan for if he doesn't show up.
Once you have a backup plan, does that take the pressure off? We can worry about them, but my experience is that our worry does not change them... it only changes us.
(((hugs)))
Once you have a backup plan, does that take the pressure off? We can worry about them, but my experience is that our worry does not change them... it only changes us.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Malihas, Unless things have changed in 15 years (when my husband got his green card), he HAS to be there for the interview to prove that you are "happily" married and that you have accounts together etc. In other words, to prove that it is a legitimate marriage and not just one of convenience for the card. ONce you get that card you can say your goodbyes and get on with your new life as a legal resident alien. Don't let his behaviour screw this up for you. Drag him if you have to.
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