teke

hey yall, been up awhile, trying to do some more carpets, looks like the cleaner don't exactly work like it should though, so i thought i'd take a little break, see what you all are up to.

cinder, i'm glad to hear that you heard something about your addicts, reading what your bil did made me think about your ah. he sounds like the more prideful one of the two. sounds like it is expected of your bil to go to his parents first, your ah seems like the one to stand back and show everyone that he don't need their help that much.

it funny how as long as i don't hear from my ah, my mind wants to tell me that he is doing so well without me, that he's steady getting better and living the life, while i'm here struggling with the kids and the household, with all kinds of sad and angry emotions, but then somebody sooner or later will come along and somehow i get the message that things haven't changed at all for them, that they are getting worse and worse. at that time, i can almost feel a calm, knowing that he's still doing the same things. lets me know that nope, i don't want to go there. it seems to give me a new charge and then i have to feel like i shouldn't be feeling relieved because he's not doing better. hey, i'm just tring to be honest here, maynot make much sense but it is what it is, i think.

even though i've been there, its still kind of hard sometimes to remember that when i finally did began to recover, working a program, and my head was a little clearer, i WANTED to make amends, asking forgiveness, and i WANTED to do that for my peace, it mattered but it didn't really matter if my amends made a difference, it was something that i NEEDED to do for my own serenity. i WANTED to make sure my kids were taken care of, i WANTED to be responsible, I WANTED to be dependable, i WANTED to be all those things that i knew that i should have been all along.

back to my ah, i kind of think that as long as he's not doing what he should be doing concerning his kids, (maybe not me) that should let me know that he is really not doing what he should be doing for himself to get better. i have to remember how he is normally without addiction in those distinct areas, like his kids. he's not the man that don't want to take care of his kids, i only had to do childsupport because he couldn't make it home with money on payday. if he was sober, i don't think that childsupport would ever be a concern.

another thing that lets me know that he's not doing the right thing, this man calls and give his whereabouts everyday at every stop until he's using and then nobody hears from him at all. like since he's been gone, i don't expect for him to call me like that but he should be calling his mom, and as of yesterday, she hadn't heard from him and was so concerned that she called me for his work number. once she talked to him, she was ok, and thinks that he's still struggling. him not contacting anyone is a good sign that he's not doing all that great.

then there is his golf clubs, i'm sure by now, he's sold his wedding band again, i know the phone is gone. if he keeps it up, no call, no show, he won't have a job and he won't be able to pay that hotel fare, if that really is where he is. i guess i'm just reasoning it out, like anvil said.

Jewelz

teke, and anvil..

I just want to say that I am so happy you guys are in recovery. You have no idea how much it has helped me along the way.

hugs,
jewel

Jewelz

Blues, thanks! I used to suffer from anxiety a few years ago. they were real bad I couldnt even work or concentrate on anything. I am trying to figure things out everything gets all jumble up at times.

cinderellawkids

I got the paperwork its a long process the initial order will be for an assessment, something he always blows through, so my wording has to be very precise and clear. Then because he is so smooth , he'll be ordered to outpatient treatment (If he gets that far without failing to show up.) I know he cant keep up with 90 days of out patient without no shows and only at that point can the inpatient treatment order go into effect. I ahve to be ready to have him thrown into jail at a drop of a hat. Like MIL said I have to be sure, I have the most to lose if his anger gets the best of him, but you know what, isnt that his loss, is he chooses to be angry rather than see its because I care then theres no reason to hold on anyway. When he comes out of this and will not go to a sober house or halfway house for 6 months to a year, then Ill ahve my closure and proof that hes not gonna change.

Apparently BIL said the house is so full of bugs they crawl over them sleeping. Yuck. Forget the idea of cleaning it up, back to high risk investors

cinderellawkids

I need help with this question:
I believe that the respondent's judgment is so impaired by reason of substance abuse that the respondent is incapable of appreciating the need for substance abuse services and of making rational decisions regarding the need for services because:

(Come on help and be nice.)

Jewelz

hmmm... thinking

Jewelz

I go with what anvil said.

cinderellawkids

Next question:
I believe that the respondent has lost power of self control with the respect to substance abuse based on the following behaviors I have observed or had knowledge of:

( I want to say he never has any to lose. Guess thats not appropriate)

cinderellawkids

That was really good ANvil, thanks. Its so hard when your emotional.

Should I add he'd come home after binging, crying say he wanted to contact his old counselor or go to NA, we'd pick a meeting and then that day he'd say Im all better and I dont need to go

itiswhatitis...

"i need to comprehend the things i cannot see"...

i'm listening to the radio - well the tv - sirius radio on tv - melissa etheridge is on - that line sums up everyone right here right now huh???? - we don't need to change anything - we need to understand the things we can't - i'm so sad right now - but i'm getting better - you guys inspire me - you really do - we really do pick each other up don't we???

thank god for all of you - really...

love,
s

cinderellawkids

Yes itis we sure do.

Blues, cant answer the hygeine question, he's always wearing a hat, but with no lights and a very dark damp house.....

Honestly, Ill be sending him to jail with this. He will HATE me forever. Thats what his mom wanted me to be ready for and to expect a long drawn out emotional fight, but Im showing one last time that I care what happens to him

cinderellawkids

Remember after Petition is served I have to explain all this to a judge in front of him. He will then be given the opportunity to go into detox immediately (HMM food and ac) I believe his brother will take it. He's gonna have to be forced

cinderellawkids

I am but I want myself emotionally prepared for all of it. If he's as bad as I think he is Im giving him a way out. Its up to him where he wants to go from there. Believe me though his mom and I are going to let the counselors know he's always star rehab client and goes back to using. At Salvation Army everyone called him Salvation Dan (but he used there when he was supposed to be at work)

cinderellawkids

...and Im not doing this for control, or because I expect him to be cured.
My motives are 1. Get the house back, 2. Help him find his way, one last time.
3. Depending what eh decides with number 2, Ill get closure

cinderellawkids

He cant work any job that says he needs his own tools.

Jewelz

Cindi, dont forget to do something special for yourself today. It doesnt have to be big or anything but something just for you.

hugs,
Jewel

teke

don't know if you have finished working this out cinder, but i'm just checking back. i think that he may be angry at first, feeling betrayed too. but if he chooses to get clean and work a solid program, eventually he'll be so glad that you did what you did. i know i thought my family were the worse family ever, but when i got sober, i was and still am eternally grateful that they turned away like they did. i don't think that i would have that determination to stay clean if they had not done what they did when they did.

i wouldn't worry too much about him being angry, it maybe for his own good. if he chooses to recover, he'll know that you did what you did because you cared.

i was wondering if you could mention that you decided to have no contact because he had turned a little violent toward you that one time. haven't he said at one time, that he just couldn't live without you guys? ok, if so, what does that mean?

can't think about much concerning this, i'm anxious to see how you do this and i guess i was just curious to know if you can actually get a rehab order.

cinderellawkids

His mom, when we first met started this process. He had to go for an assement ect and was ordered out patient treatment. I enabled a bit by not calling in and having him picked up when he used. Once I tried it was too late, the 60 days had run. We took him to appointments, gave him the $60 fee ect. He used every time after the counseling session. SO I know if we work hard enough and keep our emotions out it could be done...
I feel a bit guilty though cause I told him if he bothered me Id do this, and hes not. Im not bring violence into it, cause it will be why didnt you report that, its after the fact and no point. The whole point is he's gonna kill himself or arrive in prison if I dont do this, and as my son's father this is my last effort.

Like ANvil said he promised to take care of us and show us by his actions. Although we really have no proof of anything just what his bro said.

Sadly Im already having second thoughts of letting it be and I need to push past them.

For me, I think it will do me good in a room with judge and his mom and sis to say infront of him I love you and it breaks my heart to see you doing this to yourself. (Course I have to say it to the Judge, not him) He'll try to get me to break, Im sure. Gotta see my doctor and see if I can get a small script of something just for those hearings. Otherwise, Im not sure Im strong enough not to react to him

Jewelz

Cindi, its tuff try to keep your emotions in check and dont forget about yourself in this process. Everything is so overwhelming and crazy at times like this.

Thinking of you

Jewel

cinderellawkids

Your right Anvil. If I let it be nothing changes, he gets worse. I do believe at this point he's not sure what to do, or atleast exactly how. He may have good days, but how can a clean perfectionist be content and happy in that filth? They cant, that situation would make me suicidal. He'd only go to jail if he didnt comply. Otherwise when a bed opens he and his brother (likely 6 weeks apart, and likely more receptive and honest one would go first.) would have beds, validation, meetings and Good Food, I mean real good, they both got fat there before. ANd they get to talk to the one counselor ever that they both liked and were relatively honest with. The same woman AH was one day crying saying he needed to talk to her.

I think my moticves are in the right place and with no expectations, because from there he still has to show he can be a responsible member of society