A Penny For Your Thought, Part 9
 

ok, here we go again, its the thoughts thread, or if you just want to talk it out, we are here, all welcome to join in and juist post your thoughts about whatever, if you want to. thanks to all who do. ok, are you guys

Hahaha I'm first this time but I dont know how to post links either

Alright my previous post was immature I meant its good to be first! lol

well i hope somebody does, don't know if we need it but who knows could be used for review, i guess, just in case somebody needs it, huh?

btw, you know that anvil, or cinder, may say that it is all about them so lets just see how this plays out.LOL

i was shooting pool with some of the guys this wk and last wk, and i actually met some guys who were my age and not looking like they already have one foot in the grave. don't know why i thought that the guys my age had to be like rhe oldest looking men on the planet.lol

i was kind of stund to find out that all men 50ish, are not all half dead men.LOL

i did began to feel a little hopeful, hope thats not a bad thing.

LOL, teke you just reminded of my dad. he is newly single out of a 26 year relationship and will be 51 years old. He said at first that he doesnt see himself dating a 50ish woman and that most look old. Then he met a lady online who seems real nice, smart and also looks pretty good. He was amazed because she is about his age. It made him more aware that woman his age dont look as old as he thought. But my dad is so cute, his herat was broken by the woman he was with but he is starting to meet new people and he is getting back into his old hobbies. My dad now calls me everyday, tells me about all these different woman he is meeting he never did call me before if anything he used to brush me off the phone.

BTW I tried posting the links but it didnt work for me. :(

Michael went back to grandmas earlier they told me they will keep him because I was working late, I also left my daughter at my moms so I now have the evening to myself. I am exhausted and needed the break. Dinner tonight since its just myself will be scramble eggs and corn beef hash. I want to relax I really do I need it so bad.

Im upset. Just got a call letting me know my AH is alive and well and appeared clean and buying a ton of groceries at the grocery store.

Guess he really just doesnt care about me. What a #@#%%^

Cindi, I dont think its that he doesnt care about you. Who knows what went on with him the past couple of weeks and maybe for once he thought of you before bothering you again and causing more pain. Maybe he had a few days clean and is finally able to eat thats why hes food shopping. I know after a couple of days abf seems a lot like himself and actually would go out side. Remember though Cindi this isnt about you and as hard as it may be its not personal. He is fighting demons inside of him. You know him most of all if he was really okay dont you think he would have wanted to show you how well hes doing or maybe call just to find out how his little man is doing?

Thinking of you and I hope I didnt step past the lines with this reply to you. I just hate to see you hurting.

Hugs,
jewel

i'm sorry cinder, i guess sometimes we do want to know but don't nessessarily want to hear that all seems well with them especially if it don't seem like we are included in their plans. i don't know though, sometimes addicts don't always look like addicts. maybe he is working and trying to get himself together. i wouldn't automatically think that what he's doing is something against you. after all, the man has to eat, but i know that it would help if they at least thought that the kids like to eat too.

i know that you have done all you could and have explained to him your reasons for not allowing him to come there, i think that makes a difference and you do have his mom backing your effort.

You know Cindi something teke said sounds so true... addicts dont always look like addicts. My abf if you met him face to face you would never think he was addicted to crack. He's a decent weight, his eyes are calm, dressed always clean, hygeine good and his clothes are never wrinkled. The only way a person would know if hes using is because he doesnt have a hair cut. Thats the only indication of him using even at his worst he is always the same way.

Not to say i dont see all the signs thats only because we are together but other people and family some wouldnt know if I or his mom didnt tell them.

Thanks and Jewelz, of course your not out of line.
It hurts, but I agree its likely not personal. He may have worked one day day labor for all I know. Maybe he is respecting my saying I want no contact until you fix you and can be responsible.

I have to get past this hurt feeling for all of us. Like MIL said right now we still arent good for each other. Even if he's getting it together if he came back now it wouldnt last, why, cause Im still angry he is still vulnerable ect and in a few days Id be tossing him out, the drama triangle would reeanact.

His sisters husband ran into him in the store. Together they called and talked to his sister and that was it. Maybe seeing them will spark something and he'll call, but he has pride so maybe he wont, what would I say anyway, I still love you but I dont want to see you?

Once again got to let go.

Bought myself come vanilla carmel bubble batha nd gonna take a nice bath

Your right Jewelz. ALl I know for sure is he was drunk or high at the moment. That doesnt mean he wasnt yesterday, but taht he felt well enough to shave and go out

I know its hard but you are doing so good now even if it doesnt feel good all of the time. Hang in there and continue to take care of you and your kids. He needs to fight this himself and as sad as it is there isnt a thing we could do for them.

Your right Jewelz and helping only hurts more. i loved him enough to let him go. I love my kids and myself enough to stay away.

I still have hope some day very far off things could be different. Nothings changed. I still ahve to sell taht house, he still ahsnt made payments on it or done the repairs, its that simple

I was always amazed on how my ex-abf could clean himself up after a binge...he would come home looking like a real dive bomber, then sleep, and volie a new man, all clean and looking good, going to work, like nothing happened.

Of coarse he is still young, at least compared to me, he ability to re-invent himself will wane the older he gets.

Not my problem now...for that I am thankful.

Cinder, I know it hurts, but, you are strong, and there is a big, wide wonderful world out there,and it's yours to be had.

Im supposed to watch a video tonite called a scanner darkly? Its a animated movie about people addicted to substance D and a governement that destroys its citizens to save them from this.
Anyone seen it?

Anvil took over that job, Im retired. Does it really matter?

You know, my boss said something yesterday (He's the ultimate Jekly and Hyde)
He said maybe its so hard to sell the house and evict him because to me its letting go and erasiong that part of my life and amybe Im not ready to do that, maybe Im afraid it will end all cahnces. I said no, but now, maybe he's right. However, I have to sell it, so I will.
I always say I cant afford to go see my counselor, but I think its time. Im gonna call tomorrow

Cindi, I left you a message on myspace. I guess it wasn't as bad as i thought it could be actually good in a way. I need to learn how to let go and let live. I think you will know what I am talking about afterwards. I will be back I need to eat and my puppy would drive me crazy if I eat next to him. be back in a few.