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A Penny For Your Thought, Part 9

Old 05-16-2007, 06:12 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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cinder thank you

I too wish I could just stay angry....it hurts less but I cant seem to do it.
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Old 05-16-2007, 06:34 AM
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I feel better this morning much better and I didnt even get to sleep till 3 in the morning. I had only three hours of sleep yuk. But I am here at work early trying to make up some of the time I lost yesterday with my run around.

ABF says hes going to stop using today. LOL like that will happen I dont believe it for crap. I told him to stop talking and to just show me. I told him I dont want to hear that this is the last time or anything. When he came home I was still online he walked into the bathroom and froze when he saw everything I did. I even put a sign inside where you take a shower but had the shower curtain closed. I know he wasnt happy about it but he stood silent. Oh well... hes allowed to do whatever he wants and I need to be the strong responsible one. At times I just want to throw everything out the window and be the reckless one for once. I wasn't myself last night not at all it scared me to be honest. But I actually feel good today.. just maybe I needed to let some of the pent up anger, scaredness and frustration out?? I dont know. I cant wait for you guys to show up here this morning.
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Old 05-16-2007, 07:08 AM
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Morning Jewelz. let it out. I feel the same way.
Remember he might honestly mean he's not using anymore, in the moment it was said.

Thats what I keep thinking, last time I spoke to AH and he was clean he said Ill show you with my actions this time. Im not holding my breath at all, but I know if its meant to be Ill see that someday.
Today Id like to go home and crawl under a rock...
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Old 05-16-2007, 07:12 AM
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Oh I do believe he meant it when he said it but I also dont believe he will stop either. Thats why I told him stop saying it and just show me, actions are louder than words. Crazy how I cant stay mad that long with him.

Michael was with his sister and mom last night. When I called this morning abf's sister was like oh abf called yesterday to see how Mike was doing. like all proud because he called once in the past few months. Gets me sick literally.. I told her yeah i heard he called but to just let you know hes getting worse and I flipped on him last night. i did that because they act like everything is all peachy cause they arent dealing with him and they need to be prepared because when hes gone from my home, momma's house is where he would be running to.
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Old 05-16-2007, 07:16 AM
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I think Im going to write a letter about my heart and love to AH that I never plan to give him, just to get my feelings out. I know underneath the addiction theres the person I love, he just has to choose to bring that person back to life long term...
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Old 05-16-2007, 07:26 AM
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hank stopped on his way home to pick up some more weed. i had asked maybe we get the smaller amount, you know with vacation coming up? nope, had to get $160 worth. said that should hold him. i should f*cking hope so. that's one thing he WILLNOT give up, so i dont' even bother.
Thats because its an addiction Anvil. thanks for reminding me of yet another reason AH had to go.
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Old 05-16-2007, 07:40 AM
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GOOD morning all, jewelz, i use to try and keep my ah's money for him too, but when that urge hit, there was no stopping him and i too would have to give it up. there were times that he even acted like he was gonna get violent if i didn't so i stopped allowing him to give me any money to hold for him, too much trouble. he would always eventually come back to get it.

anvil, sounds like youre off to a good start

cinder, sounds like a good idea to write it down, i do that sometimes too. keep rewriting the letter until it say what you want it to say perfectly. by the time you finish, you may find that you feel so much better.

i'm gonna take a nap in a min, just wanted to check in. i didn't get to sleep until very late last nite and i'm just tired. mil called this morning want to know ah's work number, she hadn't heard from him. she called and he was at work, that's a good thing. then she told me that she thought that he was still trying to do it on his own. she said that she thinks that he's trying to prove to himself and others that he can do this on his own. she said that he usually calls her daily. well i'm glad to know that she has talked to him
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Old 05-16-2007, 07:44 AM
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Least you knnow he's alive. Thats what Im thankful for today. Emotions detached I want the best for AH, all of them. I want him to be happy as long as that doesnt mean sacrificing myself.
Isnt that what love is supposed to be? Teke, they'll figure it out or they'll end up back in jail or worse. FOr me I know deep down AH loves the boys and is honest and caring, its up to him to find that person again
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Old 05-16-2007, 07:45 AM
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I was just rereading the last 2 pages of thread 8 and what KJ posted to you was so correct and applies to both of us. If they want to be good fathers they will be someday and then they will be back, but now its about what we want to amke us happy
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Old 05-16-2007, 07:53 AM
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my ah may not care too much for me but i do know that he loves the kids and his mom. he's crazy about our daughter, his only daughter, so he's just out there i guess, just like his mom says. she's not being so mean right now, usually he runs to her house when he can't come here and usually if he's doing good, he'll call somebody. and when he doesn't call, we all know what that means.

his mom asked about the phone, the last time she asked him, she said that he said that it got stolen, she mentioned that those people still had his phone and now he tells her that he's trying to buy it back. now what does that tell you. yep, he must be active. he fogot the lie he already told. well going to sleep now, trying to watch spiderman 3 but i keep falling asleep on the movie.
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Old 05-16-2007, 07:55 AM
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My boss is ina good workable mood today. YEAH. He says I cant crawl under a rock today though we just dont have time. Darn, okay Im here so I can be paid right. Music is up loud Playing Blue October, 30 seconds to Mars, Stained, Creed and a few others. Singing along, thats a good sign!!! Took extra Bcomplex. Moving forward.
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Old 05-16-2007, 07:56 AM
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Ok Spider man 3 is at the theatres How are you watching it?
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Old 05-16-2007, 07:57 AM
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i somehow got a copy from my daughter
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Old 05-16-2007, 07:58 AM
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sounds like you may get to have a better day today, at least you don't sound like you'll have all the pressures from the boss.
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Old 05-16-2007, 08:22 AM
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Morning ladies. Well cinder u where right it was a migraine coming on. I cant take any of the new meds that will help so at 230am there I was laying there in extreme pain. I do have some med that I can take so I took some and laid back down with some advil. Its still lingering but to the point that I can function although I know I have to take it easy cause it can come right back if I over do it. To be on the safe side I do have a Dr;s appt today. As long as the migraine stays at bay. I had a bad head injury that really caused all this and ever since I have had daily headaches. Some drunk at a party came up and smashed the left side of my face with a jackdaniels bottle. One millimeter from smashing my temple in and killing me. It was horrible. Dont worry ladies our justice system took care of him. He had to write me a letter saying he was sorry and pay 50 bucks for my ER co-pay. He was charged with a felony and attempted murder so good thing out justice system takes care of its victoms. Ever since I have daily headaches and I cant sue him. His day will come.

Jewelz sorry I wasnt here for u I am usually on here kidna late but lastnight no go. I dont blame u for doing what u did sometimes words dont work anymore and u have had enough and u do something u wouldnt do. Boy I have a llooooonnnng list of things I have done that normally I would never do. It happens when u are nearing your breaking point. Dont feel bad he needed to see it hearing it isnt working.

Cinder I have a journal too let all your feelings out makes me feel better.

Anvil I understand the weed thing I have been there too. For some reason it doesnt bother me either to much I know they could be doing much worse things. I dont smoke it but I am not against it either. Alright I think I have touched everything.
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Old 05-16-2007, 08:44 AM
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KJ, dont be sorry. I am okay now feel so much better a little tired and hungry but not feeling so down.
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Old 05-16-2007, 09:01 AM
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Hey guys, I read on a thread in the cafe that banging your head on the wall for an hour burns 150 calories.
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Old 05-16-2007, 09:03 AM
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KJ, Even if triggered by injury migraines are usually indicative of stress and bloodvessels expanding thats why normal pain killers dont help. (hence the sight issue and vertigo) Xanax, helps relieve some of mine, or lessen them and I know you take that. See if the helps and otherwise lie down with a warm/cool washcloth compress on your head. The more you try to do and look around the worse it will get.
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Old 05-16-2007, 09:05 AM
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Originally Posted by WENDYLOST101 View Post
Hey guys, I read on a thread in the cafe that banging your head on the wall for an hour burns 150 calories.

Thanks for that Wendy, that so helps me feel better. See I was going something good. HAHA. My counselor said its an instinctive reaction to voices in your head, usually exhibited by schitzophrenics, but not uncommon to be exhibited my a mentally abused spouse and people with extreme panic attacks. Its you bodies last shout for help from the inside out....
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Old 05-16-2007, 09:16 AM
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Thanks cinder I never really thought of xanax helping with that. Hell I'll give it a shot. They make me soooo sleepy I dont like to take them. At this point I will. Not doing too much just really lying around. Suprised though the computer isnt really bothering me its not that bad right now. Let u know how this works I do have a dr appt today too just to be on the safe side.
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