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Loved Ones in Prison

Old 10-06-2007, 07:39 AM
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Borrowed this from another thread... a good boundary I want to add to my "list"

Originally Posted by eaglesgirl View Post
i made boundaries... there was no doubt that I would back down from them... if/when he used again he will leave our home with assistance if neccessary...
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Old 10-06-2007, 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted by rayofsunshine View Post
You're an inspiration that I can be ok!
Lord, Girl. You have been OK for years! One of the things that I have learned is that I was not insane. I was a normal person trying to deal with an abnormal situation. There is simply no healthy way to live with addiction. We would have been crazy if it hadn't make us sick!

We almost started thinking that living that way was normal.....IT WAS NOT.

Keep your chin up, Ray, and try not to go to "What-if-World." No decision is written in stone. If you decide you have made a mistake, you will have that much more resolve to change your outcome......in other words, Plan B is just to make a new decision.

((Hugs))
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Old 10-10-2007, 09:36 AM
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Been busy this week... hope to check in with everyone this weekend.

Anyone want to share their story or give an update?
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Old 10-10-2007, 10:47 AM
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Hi Ray. I just want you to encourage you to stay in the now. Live one day at a time. Do the best you can do today and you won't have any regrets. OK? Trust yourself.

As far as updates, no news from D. He disappeared off the planet I guess. His son meant nothing to him. It was all an act. Some people are just evil and belong in prison and he is one of them. He is evil. I hate him for what he has done to his little boy. Prison is too good for him. Hell is too good for him.
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Old 10-10-2007, 07:13 PM
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Still getting along allright. I did get a bill of sale for "my truck" he got in his name. Stuck in the door yesterday. Called the bank and have a payoff amount through this month. Now to get it back from my policeman friend-lawyer says no problem-police hid the truck to keep AH from taking it. I just have a bad feeling about it-he really wants the truck for a friend at the PO amont-BS. Computer has been down for about 3 days but up and going again. Found out for certain-AH is not guilty with this latest mess-absolutely not-but will have to face court eventually. Newspaper wrote about the charges, said he was arrested and had a $50,000 bond. Not true-he is somewhere-not in jail. He will have no bond-the warrant is for parole violation-he must go back to the prison rehab for 60 days-then face the chages my "best friend" and the DEA have against him. All through the ADC-says the county expenses somehow-? I just stay home with the dogs, go to grams every day and just sitting back waiting to see what happens.
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Old 10-11-2007, 11:32 AM
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There is simply no healthy way to live with addiction. We would have been crazy if it hadn't make us sick!
Babs thank you for saying that/posting that. Ive tried so hard in the end/present I lost control of me. I applied my recovery and it came to a point it wasnt enough, all my morals have exploded as if I was a crazy person. Im not crazy I just finally had enough again. Many of you know me from when this thread started more than a year ago. Living with active addiction can drive you to a complete insanity. I love my husband, have had so much hope, yet last night I kissed him gently goodbye at a bus station as I handed him a ticket to go stay with his family in NC. As the bus pulled out the tears stopped flowing, once again I can begin to try to live and let go and pray I dont find myself back in this state again. For so long I hoped prison, jail and rehab stays would change things, chaos always returned.
Sunshine Im wishing you the best and peace
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Old 10-11-2007, 09:48 PM
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Hello Everyone. Havent heard for my dad. Dont know how long he will be in. So I have a feeling it went terrible since he hasnt told me yet. Its making me wonder about many things. Like he promised to tell me. I am tired of promises because they are just lies. Pormise is just another word for lying. If you are going to make apromise then keep it.
Going to church should be easy, right? For me it is so hard. The first time I ever went to church I was with my dad. I remember it like it was yesterday. I just recently started to try to go to church. But everytime I do anything that involves churchs I just want to brake down and cry. Like last Saturday my friend's church had youth night and it we went to a corn maze and played games. I had to try to keep myself from crying and I did. The sunday I went to church [a different one] and I acturally started crying. I couldnt hold back the tears anymore.
I want my daddy back. I dont care how many mistakes he has made. I want him back with me. Where he belongs. He belongs here not in prison. He has missed out on so much. Cant he just try to be in the rest.
When I graduate I want him to be there. For prom night I Want him to be there. When I get married I want him to walk me down the aisle. When I have kids I want him to be there to see them. I want him to be there for me. Is that to much to ask?
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Old 10-12-2007, 04:30 AM
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what we want in life sadness and what we get in life, are two very differant things. Life can and will be a bitch and smash you down with some of the hashest lessons. It will probably break your heart a thousand times over, and it, in my experience will be relentless.
I have felt the sting of injutice more times than I can count and I dont like being emotionly flogged any more than you do, but it is what it is. Wrong or right, the term fair rarley comes into it.
I, at times, have been so victimised by life that I have allowed myself to become a victom of it and just given up all together. I, bogged down with the pains of others, forgot over time to see any good left around me. I, as you do, had so many justified reasons to make myself feel bad, and feel bad is all I knew for far too long. You can trust me on this sadness, there will be much pain in the future, for you and anyone else who walks this small globe, that is one of the certainties of life....We have no control over this but what I am slowly learning to do, is not focas and dwell for too long,,,,,,or I end up missing the good experiences and I am finding more and more, that there are many.
I try not to allow negitive experience to make me a negative viewing person, if that makes sence.
I am far too strong to allow it to turn me back into a victom. We are fighters you and I sadness, I have read your posts and know a little of your experience and you are still here and alive as I am.
We are never victoms of life, un less we choose to be. People like you and I are made to overcome.....Keep moveing forward and search for the good in the world,,,it is there!


Hey babs, hey sunshine, I look forward to reading all the posts Ive missed over the last few weeks.
Sorry I havnt checked in. Stll have computor problems and have been too busy to sort it out. Im at my fathers house and useing his computer this week end so I will look forward to checking back in with you guys.
dakotaboyd......
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Old 10-12-2007, 06:02 AM
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Hey, Dakota, always glad to see you drop by. You add a perspective that enlightens us all. Pip and the boys doing well?

Sadness, it is so hard to hear your sorrow. One of the things that just about kills those of us who have been married to addicts is what it has done to our children. There just isn't any easy way to get through having an addict for a Dad (or Mom!) But you DO have choices. You can choose to be the victim and be miserable all the time wishing for something you can't have.......wishing that your Dad was home and not addicted is about as useless as wishing that you were a princess who could live in a castle! It is simply not reality. The trick to growing up a happy, mentally healthy person is accepting your reality (whatever that is...no tiara, no castle) and digging out the good parts of it to enjoy and build on. Use the analogy of the diamond mine...the diamonds aren't just laying around for people to pick up easily. They are buried deep down under all sorts of hard stuff, and it takes a lot of work to dig them out.....thus the reason they are so valuable.

Believe it or not, you have learned many valuable lessons from your Dad. My son said that his father was the best bad example a kid could have.....he learned very young (as you have) the real consequences of drug abuse, and what to avoid in his own life.

By the way, sometimes crying in church cleanses our hearts. Tears can wash away a lot of hurt. We empty our pain, and have room for healing love.

Oh, Cinder, my heart is just breaking for you once again. Losing control of myself is what finally made me put an end to my marriage. It was not about what he was doing. It was about what it was doing to me. I was the one screaming like a banshee at my sons. I was the one who was furious if the person ahead of me at Publix had an out-of-state check. I was the one who drove like I wanted to punish the world. I was turning into a monster.....because I was so attached to my husband that HIS addiction made ME crazy. I didn't divorce him because I hated HIM, I divorced him because I hated ME.

Addiction is truly, truly a family disease....and sometimes I think the addict is the luckiest one in the bunch. At least he gets to numb his pain.....we don't.

Y'all keep those chins up. We are all so much stronger than we feel some days!

((Hugs))
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Old 10-12-2007, 07:47 AM
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I feel like I should say something but Im at a loss for what to say. Its weird the pain seems less than before, each break is easier, even though we've had so many more good times.

Then apart of me knows the addict always returns, this isnt over he'll be back, unless he truly heals. If either of us truly heal we will both want to be treated better than what the other treated us. Its sad, the person Ive allowed myself to become. The violence Ive engaged in and even initiated..

Now Babs your words inspire me.

I still get what if feelings, but I have to stay in today. No idea what future holds for either of us or our marriage, but I believe whatever happens -happens
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Old 10-12-2007, 07:55 AM
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Oh we can numb it out babs, for a time but one day it comes back and we feel it! Oh do we feel it or we just keep running and accumulate more baggage along the way.
I knew when the numbness died, the life time of escape had to be paid and I might add I still pay now in the present. The loss is indecribable.
I suppose that in some ways is why some stay for as long as we do. The years of supressed guilt, shame,remorse ect, every glimps when sober another reason to stay numb.
I died many many years ago when I ceased to feel, as most of your loved ones did and only now, in my late thieties have I truley started to live and be not afraid to feel.
At least you are still alive babs and still feel with most of your humanity intact. This will be something your AH will never own, unless he chooses to face a thousand pains that he has hidden from.
I will always show full empathy and understanding for the addict for the rest of my days and never forget the missery from which I came , and they are still in.
Babs I'll bet in the end you were just as numb and dead as he was, with out the drugs, but your not anymore. There is no escape for us outside of physical death or faceing ALL we have done.

Pip and the kids are doing real well. I am doing a little part time work while finishing a D/A course so we have been really busy.
I am sorry on the loss of your mother, was it a hard time for you?
I will check back in tomorrow. hopfully hear more from you then. dakotaboyd
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Old 10-12-2007, 05:51 PM
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Hi everyone. I'm doing ok... just really tired the past couple weeks. Working then running kids here and there... gymnastics & ballgames non-stop. I can tell being tired is affecting my mentality... thinking of HALT ... what we shouldn't let ourselves get or quickly remedy when we do....... (H)ungry, (A)angry, (L)onely, (T)ired


Cindi, my heart breaks for you too. Since I first met you here, I have seen your strength and recovery grow in your posts. Addiction is what it is.... it's really hard at times, but you're gonna be ok. Do something nice for you and the boys.

Sadness, I know what you mean about wanting your father there. My two oldest kids (16 & 14) used to want that too... but after so long of him hanging out with his friends who did drugs instead of coming to their ballgames, school events, family outings or birthdays, they just don't want any contact with him now. And I'm caught in the middle cause he don't understand, blah blah blah. It's so hard to stay away from the what if world, but I know there's gonna be alot of things to work through when he comes home and in the future as Dakota says he is still facing things today. The only advice I can offer you is to cry those cleansing tears. Cry for what was, what wasn't, and for all you hoped it would be. Then do the right things that will make YOU happy. Put your father in God's hands. Pray for him. Just know that things will be ok for you if you keep working at it! (Sending HUGS!)

Dakota... good to hear from you ..... and Babs ....... and Hello-Kitty..... and MomsRB.
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Old 10-13-2007, 04:23 AM
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Good Morning, All.

Cinder, I know that every time we would go through a bad spell and he would land in jail or rehab, I would always just feel exhausted, empty and drained (yeah, I guess that was numbness, Dakota!) We live with SO much drama, and when it stopped....even for a little while....I would feel nothing but relief. It was the time after that, while calm settled back in my house, while I was living like a normal person that hope would start to creep back in.....and that is what always got me in trouble. He even knew it. His theme song was "leave her alone and she'll get over it." And I always did. Hope always came back. It was as if my b*llsh*t meter needed constant use or the batteries would wear down......

After a year of living without a single emotional explosion, I gotta tell ya, I never want to go back to who I was......I will always love my XAH, but now I can love me.

Sadness, you used to post about emotional explosions. Does that still happen to you or has the drama morphed into chronic sadness? (All are stages of healing!)

Ray, I know you have apprehensions about your AH coming home and how the family will all blend together again. Try not to project....(so easy to say and so hard to do!) I am sure that there will be a period of walking on eggshells until you see how it is going to play out.....but there really isn't much you can do until he gets there. You can't rebuild his relationship with the kids, HE has to do it. You are going to be okay, Ray. Try not to look forward or back.....

Dakota, it is so good to hear from you. What is D/A training? (District Attorney? Digital/Analog? Devil/Angel?) You sound like life is moving forward and your old life doesn't intrude as often. We often look at you as the success story that proves that addicts can get better. We all hope that our own addicts will follow the path you have chosen.

Kitty, his son doesn't mean "nothing" to him. Addicts can't love anything past their next fix. He loves his son as much as he is able to love anything. Just be grateful for the calm in your life before he shows up the next time.....which they always seem to do!

Rainbow, sounds like you have the right idea. There isn't much you can do. Focus on yourself and your life and your joys.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

((Hugs))
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Old 10-13-2007, 04:43 AM
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Nice to see you on here Dakota. I can relate to the facing of the pain and the running from it for years. I also agree that life will throw things at us, it’s just what we do with those things that matters. One thing that I am dealing with now is that I haven’t seen my son (13) sense 2005. I have talked to him and written to him and the last time I did see him in person was through glass. There is a good chance that when I get my next furlough in a couple of weeks that he may be at my moms house. It is just a little strange for me. I feel that I have lost a lot of time and I guess I will be connecting with him on a different level. What is he feeling/thinking? I just know that it will work out as God has planned it and all will be well, but I believe that the only way that I can have this outlook and not just stress out and worry about it is from the help I have received from other people like myself, people here and elsewhere. If I hadn’t reached out and then listened and tried what I saw that worked with others I to would still be in that old familiar place of darkness, and still running from my pain. It is still a day to day or event to event thing, and I guess that is just living life. Thanks to everyone that post on here and my prayers are truly with you all.
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Old 10-13-2007, 06:21 AM
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Good Morning All,
Well I spoke with AH last night ... his nerves are bad here lately. Says he needs more from me than a 10 minute phone call each week. (Back to me not writing, I guess, although surprisingly he didn't say THAT!) I just don't have anything else to give right now... I kinda have that numb just getting by feeling. He wants me and youngest daughter to come visit Sunday. I agreed but am not really looking forward to going. I know it is going to be an emotional day, and I'm not sure I'm up to it.

Thanks, Babs.

Hi Dakota... see we're here at the same time.

Lifechange, good to hear from you. You and Dakota are truly inspirations here ...
continue to do the next right thing, keep praying, and things will work out for you and your son.
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Old 10-13-2007, 06:40 AM
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I can fully relate to your esrtanged son and the somewhat odd feelings attatched.
Both Pip and I have lost a child each along the way and have had to go through the getting to know process, and the where do we fit in process.
The where do we fit in process, for me, was the hardest. I didnt know who I was supposed to be to the child, either of them. I didnt know what they expected of me noe did I know what to expect from them. In the end what can I say, things do just work out and fit into place where they are supposed to be. It can be a stressful time or an exciting time!
Good stuff sean I am so happy for you, and your boy. I am sure you will find your place with him, your possative attitude will ensure it.


Babs, Drug and Alcohole counselling course. Sorry D/A is common place here for Drug and Alchole.
The system here is really cracking down on wealfare, so I thought it time I might do something that I can relate to and signed up,,,,we will see where it leads. No plans.

sunshine, your just getting up and Im just going to bed.
You do sound exsausted mate, are you haveing enough time for yourself? If there is nothing else to give then pull back and stop giveing..Be a bit selfish.
Do what makes you unwind, what ever it is, and avoid things that cause you stress untill they are at a stage that you can handle them.
I am so pleased you have continued with this thread it is good to check back in.
dakotaboyd.
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Old 10-13-2007, 09:31 PM
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Hi everybody,
It's been awhile since I've posted here, but I do try to keep up with the reading when I can. For you new posters, my son was in jail for almost a year and I believe that I was the first to post on this thread that Cinderella started so long ago.

I'm doing well and am adjusting to living a 'normal' life. I tend to focus my attention more on myself than on the addict these days. I'm happy to say that he's doing very well, and I'm hopeful that he will continue to do so.

He found a room to rent, has a good job, a lovely girlfriend and has been clean almost a year and a half. We see him occasionally and our fractured family is mending as he is back in our lives again as a sober person. He continues to make good decisions and I am so very, very thankful that he is alive and well.

I guess I am going through a phase of looking back a bit and realizing just how awful things had become, how far I have progressed and what I have to look forward to. I'm also very aware of the fact that I am slowly healing from all the past trauma.

I'm glad to see how this thread is still going and want to say 'hi' to all the new people here and a special 'hello' to all my old "Loved Ones in Prison" posters: Cinder, Babs, Ray, Dakota and Sunshine- plus so many others who have popped in and out to share with us in this forum.

Best wishes to all!

cmc

Last edited by cmc; 10-13-2007 at 09:56 PM.
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Old 10-13-2007, 11:19 PM
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Yes, I still have emotional explosins. I just dont post about them anymore. I dont think I have them as much. My life is crazy.
I still miss my dad, though. I want to see him or at least hear his voice. I want him to come home where he belongs. I dont care about any of his mistakes or wrong doings anymore, he has been gone to long. I have gone 4 years without seeing or hearing from him. But that was when I saw him 5 days a year. I saw him 3 monthas and then he just dissappeared and went to prison. Its time for him to come home. But even after he gets out he will still be on provation for at least 2 years and have to say in Missouri. So I wont be able to see him for at least 2 more years, that makes it almost 3 years.
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Old 10-17-2007, 03:42 PM
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i was sent this link and watched the video and it brought me to tears. i know alot of us can relate with similar struggles. i hope this works.
GodTube.com - Please read the description b.. [ godtube.com ]
welltry this
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.ph...3418003b47d7d5
let me know if this works.
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Old 10-18-2007, 04:35 PM
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Hi everyone... good to hear you're going good Dakota. You have so much wisdom to share with others... I hope taking the D/A course leads you where you can share and help others. I know you've helped us here.

Good to hear the positive update on your son CMC.

Sadness, I know you miss your dad. That is perfectly normal, and I sincerely hope one day he can be around for you again. In the meantime, do what you can to keep busy and make yourself happy, doing things with friends, ballgames, movies, whatever you like to do that will add peace and joy to your life. Keep yourself healthy and happy, offer forgiveness and let go of resentments and when your dad is there you'll be able to build a relationship.

Lifechange, that was a very good video. powerful message. Thanks for sharing!

Babs, hope you're doing ok.

Anyone want to check in...... update or share?
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