sadness123

My friend acturally went to that show on your video. She loved it.
I do something every weekend with my friends. But my father is always on my mind. For school we had to write a poem. And our poems had to express our emotions or feelings about something. I wrote about my dad and him not being here for me. I started crying and had to go to the bathroom to get myself together. I just thought about everything and him being in the hospital when he got burnt. I love him so much but he cant get his slef together. My heart brakes more and more everytime I think about him. I wont be ever to see him till after he gets off probation because he will be in another state.

rayofsunshine

Hi Sadness. I see we're here at the same time!

rayofsunshine

Hope everyone is doing ok. I don't get on here as much as I used to, they blocked us from getting on forums at work... imagine that! LOL I'm doing good, my kids keep me busy, not much to report with AH at the moment. He's still on the write me stuff. I sent a letter & picture from his daughter and an email poem I printed out for him. I didn't enclose a personal note and he went on & on about that, and I stuck to my boundary and hung up on him, again. He still doesn't get it.

My oldest daughter shared with me her feelings about her dad coming home. (She's 16, and has not wrote, visited, or talked to her dad while in prison.) She's scared of him. Not for herself, but she's scared for me. We were able to talk, and I shared with her it's not going to be like before. I'm not hiding behind fear or shame of anyone finding out he's on drugs. If he does drugs again, he'll be out of here, with assistance if necessary. Thats my new boundary and I feel good about it!

rayofsunshine

It seems so petty but if he can't handle the small stuff, how in the heck can he handle bigger things when he gets home? Per his phone call Friday, it seems someone stole his radio w/ earphones that he listens to tv with (in prison). This is the only way to listen as the tv is silent. He left them plugged in while taking a shower. When he came back they were gone. Wants me to send $$ to get another pair. I told him I didnt have $$ wasn't going to. He wanted me to ask my parents. My answer no way. So he calls about 50 times today. I never picked up. He called my parents house. Had my granny call me to tell me he was calling later to pick up. I don't wanna pick up. There's nothing more to discuss on this subject, I won't pick up til time for his next weekly call. These games give me less hope on things being ok when he gets out. Thank you for letting me vent.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Anyone want to check in or share?

Jewelz

Wow you know I never come to this thread at all... never saw a reason to since I have no one in prison. But I gotta say I think I was meant to come here to watch that video.... so amazing dont know what to say right now. Thank you!!

cinderellawkids

Sunshine,
Keep on eye on those meltdowns, I say from my experience only, they are a good indication of where the other person is at mentally.

sadness123

Hello Everyone. I got news back from my dad. He's in until Sept. 11, 2008. 10 months. That is too long. I knew it was going to be bad. Then he has probation for at least 2 years after that. So there goes him coming to my 16th birthday. The one day I wanted him there for and the court system messed it up.

rayofsunshine

Hi Cindi, thanks for the advice and I LOVE your signature box... made me laugh.

Sadness, this time could be a life-changer for your dad. Hopefully he will see all he's missing and want to straighten out his life so he won't keep missing things, like your
sixteenth birthday. It is sad to see how much addiction robs the children of time with their dad or mom. Keep praying!

Babs

Ray, I wish there was something I could do to relieve your anxiety. I have always admired your courage, to still have the nerve to get back in the ring one more time! I am in awe!

We had our Al-Anon meeting today on fear....and a lot of really terrific thoughts came out of it.

1--Fear is interest on a debt that you may never owe. Thank God that the worst doesn't come to pass as often as we worry about it!

2--Worrying is nothing more than praying for what you DON'T want.....it focuses all our energy and vision and spirit on the negative instead of the positive. Wholesome, healthful thoughts are what you need now......and later, too, for that matter.....

3--Fear is the opposite of faith. If you can't have faith in his recovery, have faith in your own. You are not the same woman you were when he left. If this union is meant to be, it will be. If not, well, you gave it your absolutely best shot. You gave him every opportunity. You have nothing to regret. If you find that you have to make a new decision about your relationship, you will have the peace that comes from knowing that you did everything you possibly could.

You know what the worst case scenario is, and you know how you will have to respond if it comes to pass. And you know that you deserve to live your life in a home without drama, fear or shame.

You are going to be okay, Ray. Really.

Hugs,
Babs

cinderellawkids

HI babs. I had to copy that for my scrapbook/journal Im working on.

Thanks for stopping by the cafe and pennys thread as well.

Well I changed my signature just before I read your post sunshine, who knows it may be back some day though

rayofsunshine

Hi Everyone. Thanks Babs. I AM having anxiety, feeling he's not where he should be mentally on day to day things. And honestly I don't have faith in his recovery because of this. Thanks for the words... I need to have faith in my own recovery. I guess I am just second guessing my decision to try again as the date gets closer for his release.

I like your new signature too Cindi!

rayofsunshine

Just had a realization after AH called a few hours ago ... I don't feel responsible for his happiness, I don't feel the need to rescue. He's having a bad week, feels because I don't write, theres no hope for us. Says maybe he'll just go to a halfway house when he gets out instead of coming home since he doesn't know me anymore. I don't think he really means it cause then it was would I please write so he can have a little hope to hang on to. Back to my realization........ I don't feel responsible for his happiness, I don't feel the need to rescue. Is this what my recovery should feel like or am I weird and crazy like my kids think? LOL

Babs

You are not weird or crazy, Ray. You are letting go. Not of him (yet) but of those codependent behaviors that he has come to count on. He is trying to push your buttons and you are not reacting and it is frightening to him. He also knows that, in fact, he deserves nothing from you and that scares him, too.

He DOESN'T know you anymore....because you are not the same woman anymore. It was the old Ray who was weird and crazy. It was the old Ray who was in that sick, codependent relationship. This new Ray really isn't responsible for his happiness...really can't rescue him. (You never could, but now you know it!)

Don't be surprised if he kicks up the drama a notch to try and get a reaction out of you. The way it worked for me was the harder he tried to get me going, the easier it was to stay out of the game.

We will all be with you, Girlfriend.
Babs

rayofsunshine

That is right on the money with what he said........ he said he doesn't deserve me or a family like us.... we're too good to be treated the way we've been by him.

I felt like he was trying to play a sympathy card kinda..... but I couldn't feel sorry for him. Right now, I'm in survival mode and my kids and providing for them and their happiness come first. I can't give him the hope he's looking for, I just don't feel it.

Thanks Babs, Your wisdom is amazing. (Much on the job training I suppose:mock ... LOL)

graci

Well my bf is in prison, he ran out of phone minutes about a week and a half ago, was supposed to call me on Nov 1 when his minutes got reinstated, but he hasent. He had the sister of one of the other inmates in there call me to send me a message that he needed some money. I didnt have any to send him this week so I told her that, I also got mad cuz he hasent written me a letter (hes not a writer) so I told her to tell him it would be nice to get a letter. Instead she told her brother to tell him I wasent going to write him anymore until I got a letter from him. So guess what, he hasent called me at all. I dont understand, possibly he thinks I am abandoning him in his sick mind, I dont know. I called that girl back and she gave another message to him to call me, his reply was that I love u and Ill give u a call, but still no call, and its very unlike him, Im usually the first person he will call, and about the only person he calls at all, so for him not to be calling me, Im getting very worried that he is in some sort of trouble, or really really depressed and in a very bad mental state. The thought of him maybe getting drugs in there has crossed my mind, but really Im not sure how he would, I dont send him hardly any money at all after my own bills are paid. Im getting frantic about this, and its really hurting that he isnt calling me.. so I sent him a letter and told him that it wasent that i dont want to write him, just that it hurts to write him and not get letters back in return. Hopefully i will hear something soon. i would hate to think that after more than a 3 year relationship that he would just never call again. Its not like him.

sadness123

Hello Everyone. My dad hasnt called me or wrote me in awhile.
I got in an arguement with my grandparents that I dont live with. They were going out to eat with my cousins that live there and I said why does he get to go (referring to one of my 3 cousins) and they said because he lives here and then I said why doesnt he live with his dad his dad has a house and an extra bedroom and a job, and they go why dont you go live with your dad.
They know he is locked up. So why would they say that?
They give him like $200 a month, like $2,400 a year. And they give me 50 for my bday and 50 for christmas. And they give everyone else 100-500 for their birthday and then another 100-500 for christmas.
I told them I dont want them to spend any money on me and they keep it and send on everyone else. and I dont want nothing from them. And I told them that I didnt want to see them, hear, them or have any contact with them for awhile.
I cried for over an hour over the thing they said about me living with my dad. I would do anything to live with him. I would do anything to be able to talk to him or see him more. I would do anything to be able to go the prison and see him. What kind of grandparents do things like that?
Do they know what it is like to know your father is alive and and know you wont be able to see him for a long time problay. And to know that he could die at any moment and I may not ever get to see him again. My biggest fear is him dying. And my second biggest fear is not being able to see him before he dies.
These are the thoughts that go through my head everyday. These unforgetable thoughts.

sadness123

Traci: It could be that he is giving him the wrong messages. And it is possible for drugs to get in the prison. It is just hard to get them in. There is also and alchoolic beverage that can be made in prison. You could try to visit him at the prison.

Hangin' In

Before I post, I have to admit that I haven't had time to read every post to this thread, so if I'm mentioning something that has already been said, please forgive me.

Ladies, I just attended a spiritual weekend, kind of like a retreat. It was specifically for women who have a family member incarcerated. Could be your husband, father, son, brother-in-law, nephew, etc. I wondered exactly why I was there since I don't have a loved one in prison (as of now), but after attending, I know exactly why I was there. (HP always has a good plan :0)

Without going into too much detail, let me just say I was put with other women who are going through exactly what I've gone through dealing with my addicted loved one - the anger, guilt, shame, resentment, fear, etc. And part of the weekend was the sharing by women who had been on this retreat before and now they've come to give back. They shared from their personal stories of how they've come to deal with their loved ones being in prison. It was a very eye opening experience and one I wouldnt' trade for anything.

Maybe I could say it was like a 2-day Al Anon meeting except the women attending all had "incarceration" as a common thread between them. It was just one of the most powerful and freeing things I've ever been too. The women came with their burdens, but when they left on Sunday afternoon, they said they felt like different women, letting their burdens (anger, fear, resentment, guilt) go.

It was no cult-like thing, nothing mysterious, no secret formulas. It was a weekend where God was invited in to help these women deal with the problems that are brought on by a loved one being incarcerated. The name of the weekend was Kairos Outside. If anyone is ever interested in attending one of these weekends, I'd be happy to try and see if there is one near you.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

Babs

Funny you should mention that..... One of the biggest steps in my spiritual growth was learning to recognize when someone was trying to manipulate me with guilt. What I learned was that actions I took because of guilt led me STRAIGHT to resentment (do not pass go, do not collect $200!) Such a simple concept, but absolutely life-changing when I figured it out!

I had allowed people to walk all over me for the better part of my life. That was one of the reasons that I ended up hating myself more than anyone else. That stopped on a dime once I was finally able to spot it.

The other thing that I was a total sucker for was being manipulated by the words, "I love you!" I would tell myself, "Yeah I shouldn't let him get away with this but he loves me....." (as if he were the only one in the entire world who could manage to love a mess like me) and off I would go to do something else I didn't want to do. I always felt like such a wimp. But not any more!

Our lives with our addicts has made us sadder, but most assuredly WISER!

Hugs,
Babs

Hangin' In

Good for you, Babs!