Loved Ones in Prison
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I just wanted to give a quick update...
16 months after getting out of Prison and starting this thread AH is worse than hes ever been, no longer being clean even 48 hours, drinking on average 5 bottles of liquor a week, lost another job (they are always gone between 3 to 6 weeks of irregular work) has to misdemenor FTA for paraphanalia and driving on revoked in another state, they wont extradite so hes not picked up here.
I filed papers today to have him involuntarily committed, it takes time, I plan to follow it through, for me, my last resort. Included with what he is being served with is a diary of teh last six months and how truly insane and unmanageable his life is
16 months after getting out of Prison and starting this thread AH is worse than hes ever been, no longer being clean even 48 hours, drinking on average 5 bottles of liquor a week, lost another job (they are always gone between 3 to 6 weeks of irregular work) has to misdemenor FTA for paraphanalia and driving on revoked in another state, they wont extradite so hes not picked up here.
I filed papers today to have him involuntarily committed, it takes time, I plan to follow it through, for me, my last resort. Included with what he is being served with is a diary of teh last six months and how truly insane and unmanageable his life is
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I'm sure he's happy about that.
I know that my ex got out once because there was no room in the jail. Of course he was supposed to go back for court but never did...
You may want to check your county jail registry (online) if you are interested in why he was released. It seems that in most counties you can access that info online now. It may give you info on whether he bonded out or was released for some other reason.
Just keep doing what you are doing to take care of yourself and your kids. We can never know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe this will be the turning point in his life (my sarcastic self is saying... yeah right. But that's only because of my experiences...)
(((hugs)))
I know that my ex got out once because there was no room in the jail. Of course he was supposed to go back for court but never did...
You may want to check your county jail registry (online) if you are interested in why he was released. It seems that in most counties you can access that info online now. It may give you info on whether he bonded out or was released for some other reason.
Just keep doing what you are doing to take care of yourself and your kids. We can never know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe this will be the turning point in his life (my sarcastic self is saying... yeah right. But that's only because of my experiences...)
(((hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Originally Posted by happysoul 
i just have to let it go and believe that his hp is on top of this situation and certainly doesn't need my help
Sending Hugs, Cindi. It's tough seeing them when the disease has taken over completely. You know their life is unmanageable, they know it too, but are unable to take back control. Sending you prayers of strength and courage to do what you have to do.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 123
having a hard time with leaving him behind
i know its only been a week or more since i broke it off with my excbf, but it bothers me that he hasnt even tried calling me? i feel that 2 yrs of us dating was just disregarded and thrown away with yesterdays trash, he isnt even out of prison yet he gets out in may, and i gave him and ultamatum me or the drinking, he choose the drinking apparently , i gambled and i lost. what sucks is that we are broken up and i dont even know if it will be an issue down the road, maybe he can handle drinking? i really dont know, he is in rehab in prison, and i just felt that i would be enabling him if i stayed and allowed him to drink? i feel that i left him when maybe he needed me most? when i first hought of breasking up with him i felt it was the right thing to do, and now for some reason im not sure anymore, i know im not so sure i f i was the addict if i could do all this if i lost my support system? i know its ges better in time but today i feel sad over it, i have written him many letters since we broke up but i havent sent any of them, because i really dont know what is the right thing to do. it changes everyday...i put him through hell. breaking up everyother week becasue i didnt know what i should do, and now i feel i should just leave it alone because i have put him through enough, its hard enough being in prison without somone being wishy washy all the time.. dont be too hard, i just need to vent about whats going on in my head, this is the hardest relationship i have ever had, but what sucks is that if he really loved me wouldnt he have choosen us instead of the choice to drink??? im wondering now if that was even true? he kept telling me im the first one hehad ever been in love with? well it sure doesnt seem like it now. maybe that was a lie also? thats hard to accept if thats true..
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 123
well after reading what i wrote i realize i am right, sometimes i just need to vent and write things out and then it clicks..lol he is no where ready to change and if he does for some reason,its going to have nothing to do with me wether im in the picture or not, he has to want this for himself..i have to practice giving it up to my HP more.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
I have read everyones threads on this sites. I have a question how do you know that what they are saying in jail is not just jail talk. My ex has been out of jail for about 90 days. He was sent to a in patient program for his meth addication for about 45 days not he is in a halfway house. He has been saying he would like to try again but I have heard this so many times I do not trust him. How do I believe him after all the lies he tells me.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Try what again? Try your relationship? That's really up to you. Based on your past experiences with him, are you willing to try again?
Woof, IMO and in my experience, if they are in jail, it's jail talk. It's what they do once they get out that makes a difference. And staying clean in a halfway program, while commendable, is not the same as staying clean when you have unlimited freedom to make any choice they want. If they are in a halfway house, they are still living with pretty strict rules and regulations.
If I was you, I wouldn't make any commitments....
Woof, IMO and in my experience, if they are in jail, it's jail talk. It's what they do once they get out that makes a difference. And staying clean in a halfway program, while commendable, is not the same as staying clean when you have unlimited freedom to make any choice they want. If they are in a halfway house, they are still living with pretty strict rules and regulations.
If I was you, I wouldn't make any commitments....
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 123
no i dont plan on it...i realize he has such a long way to go in his recovery even if he was to give up the crack and beer...more time than what i want to give, today im actually enjoying myself, with no thoughts of him until iget on this sight..lol.. im not allowing him space anymore in my head, i want to move on...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Dogged, you got it. They have to want to change for them... nothing we can do will change them. (Only help we can give is not to enable.) If you don't want a front seat to the chaos anymore, you don't have to. It's your life. Do what you need to do for your sanity and happiness.
Welcome, wooforever. ACTIONS, not words. (This is my favorite saying I repeated to myself many times while RAH was in prison.) By his actions, you will be able to tell. Words are empty.
Welcome, wooforever. ACTIONS, not words. (This is my favorite saying I repeated to myself many times while RAH was in prison.) By his actions, you will be able to tell. Words are empty.
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 220
I learned the hard way that I couldn't even trust his actions...... too many of them happened behind my back.
Sadly, love is not enough. Trust and respect are essential for a real relationship.
Trust is so fragile. Once it is broken, it takes many years to repair the damage, and IMO the crack will always remain.
Cindi, hang in there, Girlfriend. Do what you have to do and don't look back. We have your back, and the rocker is warmed up and ready.
Babs
Sadly, love is not enough. Trust and respect are essential for a real relationship.
Trust is so fragile. Once it is broken, it takes many years to repair the damage, and IMO the crack will always remain.
Cindi, hang in there, Girlfriend. Do what you have to do and don't look back. We have your back, and the rocker is warmed up and ready.
Babs
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
Hello Kitty-thank you for clearing that up for me. I thought that could be it. Yes he does want to try or realsonship again. I do not a realsonship like he does. I want to stay friends and that is about it. I do not want him in my life full time. I just do not trust what he says and I do not need to be worrying if he is truly telling me the truth.
I guess I just got use to the lies and have been thinking they were the truth.
So now today the XAH goes back to court for his monthly report. He has not been doing what they really want him to do except to stay off the drugs.
If he goes back in I do not know how to tell our 15 yrs son that his dad is back in jail for a very long time. But I guess I will deal with that when it happens. I can not worry about that now.
One day at a time, One hour at a time, it makes a life time of differnce.
I guess I just got use to the lies and have been thinking they were the truth.
So now today the XAH goes back to court for his monthly report. He has not been doing what they really want him to do except to stay off the drugs.
If he goes back in I do not know how to tell our 15 yrs son that his dad is back in jail for a very long time. But I guess I will deal with that when it happens. I can not worry about that now.
One day at a time, One hour at a time, it makes a life time of differnce.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Hi Everyone,
Hope everyone is doing ok.... Sadness, Babs, Hello-Kitty, Cindi, Lifechange, Dakota, CMC? Anyone want to check in? Hi to the new persons reading this thread. We are still doing ok here... been a hectic week. My daughter has cheerleading competition this weekend. Practice almost every night this week, so we are tired already. RAH won't get to go though because of the intensive probation thing. He is still doing ok. Maybe a little ill tonight. He's really worked hard this week and also has a toothache. Yeah, it worries me a little. I think of HALT... recognizing if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.Anyone want to jump in with the rest of the HALT thoughts... I can't remember them at the moment.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. Anyone new feel free to share your story or give an update. We are here to support each other.:ghug2
Hope everyone is doing ok.... Sadness, Babs, Hello-Kitty, Cindi, Lifechange, Dakota, CMC? Anyone want to check in? Hi to the new persons reading this thread. We are still doing ok here... been a hectic week. My daughter has cheerleading competition this weekend. Practice almost every night this week, so we are tired already. RAH won't get to go though because of the intensive probation thing. He is still doing ok. Maybe a little ill tonight. He's really worked hard this week and also has a toothache. Yeah, it worries me a little. I think of HALT... recognizing if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.Anyone want to jump in with the rest of the HALT thoughts... I can't remember them at the moment.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. Anyone new feel free to share your story or give an update. We are here to support each other.:ghug2
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 61
Hey Everyone. Well i talked to my daddy last wednesday. I found out that he was getting divorced like a month or so before him. When I found out I was going to tell him but I didnt know if he already knew and didnt want to talk about it or what so I just didnt say anything. Anyways he gets out June 4th. And that is in 95 days. Then he is on parole for 12 months and then he is probably coming back here. So I can't wait till he moves back here. But before he will be able to move back it will be at least the summer of 10th grade. So it will be awhile. Which really sucks. But hopefully I will visit him shortly after he gets out. Well im going to bed. Goodnight/morning
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
How is everyone? Any updates?
My ex made bail last week. He never tried to contact me or his son. I have been waiting and waiting to receive a form from him so that my son can get a passport. I have been planning a trip to Ireland to visit my uncle who is very sick and not expected to live through the summer. During a phone message several weeks ago, Diono said that he had signed and mailed the form back. I have been waiting and waiting.... Finally, on Tuesday, I checked the jail register to see when visiting was so that I could go talk to him and I learned he had been bailed out the day before. I have been trying and trying to get a hold of him about the form. Hoping that maybe it had gotten lost or praying that that he would be willing to sign another one.
Finally, his mom called me to let me know that he had gotten a hold of her. She told me I wasn't going to like what he told her. She was right. It was brutal.
D told her that he is punishing me for treating him badly last summer when I let him stay with me. He is very upset that I wouldn't have sex with him and made him sleep on the couch when he got out of prison. He told his mother that he saved me from my bad friends and being a drunk on prozac. (Diono introduced me to crack cocaine about 4 years ago when we met so I hardly would credit him with saving me). He said that if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have Andrew.
He also told her that he lied about mailing the passport paperwork in. He said that he had gotten it notorized and still had it. Then he told her it was in a box in storage unit somewhere and he would call me and we would go get it. (He's lying - that's his m.o. - to keep you hanging on.)
He hasn't returned any phone calls. Instead, he is back playing the same torturous control games he used to play when we were together.
He is crazy. And evil and vindictive. What a sick twisted mind.
I'm very sad that Andrew and I can't go on our trip and most likely my uncle is going to die and I will never see him again. He is 78 and suffering from heart failure, liver failure - just all over body failure.
I have one last shot to get the passport - "A written statement (made under penalty of perjury) explaining the second parent's unavailability. Any ideas? (Real ideas that I can submit to the US Department of State?)
I'm still working on the lawyer thing so I can establish custody of our son. Hopefully one calls me back soon. There are many hurdles in front of me but I am back to taking things day by day. Not taking anything for grant it. And trying not to cry.
My ex made bail last week. He never tried to contact me or his son. I have been waiting and waiting to receive a form from him so that my son can get a passport. I have been planning a trip to Ireland to visit my uncle who is very sick and not expected to live through the summer. During a phone message several weeks ago, Diono said that he had signed and mailed the form back. I have been waiting and waiting.... Finally, on Tuesday, I checked the jail register to see when visiting was so that I could go talk to him and I learned he had been bailed out the day before. I have been trying and trying to get a hold of him about the form. Hoping that maybe it had gotten lost or praying that that he would be willing to sign another one.
Finally, his mom called me to let me know that he had gotten a hold of her. She told me I wasn't going to like what he told her. She was right. It was brutal.
D told her that he is punishing me for treating him badly last summer when I let him stay with me. He is very upset that I wouldn't have sex with him and made him sleep on the couch when he got out of prison. He told his mother that he saved me from my bad friends and being a drunk on prozac. (Diono introduced me to crack cocaine about 4 years ago when we met so I hardly would credit him with saving me). He said that if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have Andrew.
He also told her that he lied about mailing the passport paperwork in. He said that he had gotten it notorized and still had it. Then he told her it was in a box in storage unit somewhere and he would call me and we would go get it. (He's lying - that's his m.o. - to keep you hanging on.)
He hasn't returned any phone calls. Instead, he is back playing the same torturous control games he used to play when we were together.
He is crazy. And evil and vindictive. What a sick twisted mind.
I'm very sad that Andrew and I can't go on our trip and most likely my uncle is going to die and I will never see him again. He is 78 and suffering from heart failure, liver failure - just all over body failure.
I have one last shot to get the passport - "A written statement (made under penalty of perjury) explaining the second parent's unavailability. Any ideas? (Real ideas that I can submit to the US Department of State?)
I'm still working on the lawyer thing so I can establish custody of our son. Hopefully one calls me back soon. There are many hurdles in front of me but I am back to taking things day by day. Not taking anything for grant it. And trying not to cry.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
(((kitty)))
This just makes me so angry- I can't respond. I just want to tell you- I wish I did know.
Not just angry with your childs father- but the legal system and society- heck even all the "good" people in AA- Sorry in my opinion they just enable the addict to use and abuse people- their children specifically.
All I can think of- keep it simple. He abandoned your child and you have no way to contact him. Have EVERY person you know who claims to love and care about your child sign that piece of paper. Including his mother. If they refuse to.. Well it is time to move on. Life does not have to be this hard.
There is a saying I love,
"Evil can not prevail unless good people refuse to do something."
Really anyone who refuses to simply be honest. He has abandoned that child of his and it really doesn't matter why. If they can be honest- DO SOMETHING- not to change him- but to change your day and that of your childs today. You don't need them and they are not worth it. (His mom can go to court for grandparents rights- if she refuses to back you on this one!) Her choice... That would help you establish paternity at least!!
Hopefully she will take care of her MINOR child and sign that paper that just plain is the truth. If not- her loss you don't more importantly your child does NOT need people like that in your life.
I wish you well. Sorry for my anger.
This just makes me so angry- I can't respond. I just want to tell you- I wish I did know.
Not just angry with your childs father- but the legal system and society- heck even all the "good" people in AA- Sorry in my opinion they just enable the addict to use and abuse people- their children specifically.
All I can think of- keep it simple. He abandoned your child and you have no way to contact him. Have EVERY person you know who claims to love and care about your child sign that piece of paper. Including his mother. If they refuse to.. Well it is time to move on. Life does not have to be this hard.
There is a saying I love,
"Evil can not prevail unless good people refuse to do something."
Really anyone who refuses to simply be honest. He has abandoned that child of his and it really doesn't matter why. If they can be honest- DO SOMETHING- not to change him- but to change your day and that of your childs today. You don't need them and they are not worth it. (His mom can go to court for grandparents rights- if she refuses to back you on this one!) Her choice... That would help you establish paternity at least!!
Hopefully she will take care of her MINOR child and sign that paper that just plain is the truth. If not- her loss you don't more importantly your child does NOT need people like that in your life.
I wish you well. Sorry for my anger.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
Kitty,
You are not lying by saying he is unavailable, can you get a hold of him does he keep in contact with you. NO then I would do it that way. I hope you get full custody of your child. It should be easy because he will not show up to court.
You are not lying by saying he is unavailable, can you get a hold of him does he keep in contact with you. NO then I would do it that way. I hope you get full custody of your child. It should be easy because he will not show up to court.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
"Loved one's in prison"
Does Jail and could should be in prison- qualify??
Amazing I was one of the last posters here...
I just found out he is in jail will be in court in an hour. But it doesn't stop there another county is "planning" to arrest him there for felony check forgery.
Every emotion- from fear.... they will let him out.. fear, it always is our fault.
Anger with him, anger with the system.
Sadness- how could this happen? What happened to the man I loved and felt loved by for decades?? Who I just plain- thought was so good- we were so darn fortunate/blessed?? Who so many other people also did?
I hate crack.. I hate crack..
For the kids of addicts- detachment? Not until they are 18 do they have a choice to let go- say "no" to crack or the people who choose to use it.
Please say a prayer-- that something happens-- changes.. Just not more of the same. If he is going to jail/prison do it NOW.. Going to continue to use- fine just leave us alone! I'm tired of fighting to protect these kids- going to more court dates- guardian ad lidem crap- living in fear. This is no life- no way to live.
Does Jail and could should be in prison- qualify??
Amazing I was one of the last posters here...
I just found out he is in jail will be in court in an hour. But it doesn't stop there another county is "planning" to arrest him there for felony check forgery.
Every emotion- from fear.... they will let him out.. fear, it always is our fault.
Anger with him, anger with the system.
Sadness- how could this happen? What happened to the man I loved and felt loved by for decades?? Who I just plain- thought was so good- we were so darn fortunate/blessed?? Who so many other people also did?
I hate crack.. I hate crack..
For the kids of addicts- detachment? Not until they are 18 do they have a choice to let go- say "no" to crack or the people who choose to use it.
Please say a prayer-- that something happens-- changes.. Just not more of the same. If he is going to jail/prison do it NOW.. Going to continue to use- fine just leave us alone! I'm tired of fighting to protect these kids- going to more court dates- guardian ad lidem crap- living in fear. This is no life- no way to live.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
Then let go. Kids can say no at any age to people that are doing things they know they should not be doing. If we educate the kids at a young age of what could happen when you do these drugs and keep telling them that until they are out of school. It will not be our fault, it will be there choice. All u can do is eduate the young ones.
We make choices for them until they are 18 years old. Well at least until they think they do not need us. I have never hid what I am or what their father is, What is the point. If I can keep them from making the same choices I did I will.
We make choices for them until they are 18 years old. Well at least until they think they do not need us. I have never hid what I am or what their father is, What is the point. If I can keep them from making the same choices I did I will.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Let go and let God. Once we stop focus on the addict and what he has done or why he has done it, we are more able to focus on ourselves and our kids. There is no rhyme or reason to what an addict does. And you will kill yourself trying to figure out why. I always try to focus on the living - me and my son. His father can still bring me down but it is only a temporary state. I am strong. I will bounce back. My son seems to be even more resilient than I am. Children are amazing.
His dad is out on bail. I tracked him down at the crack house and brought him to my house. Andrew was so excited to see him. But then he became very disappointed - wondering why he couldn't wake daddy up. Daddy slept on our couch for 15 hours while Andrew jumped all over him. His father was sick - babbling, drooling, it freaked me out. I thought he was dying. He didn't. After a while, Andrew just forgot he was there. Once in a while he would poke him. The next morning, I woke him up and took him to the passport office with me. We got the paperwork taken care of. Then I dropped him back at the crackhouse that I picked him up at. It was devestating for me. But I knew I would survive and I did. I was even more surprised at my 2 year olds reaction. I thought he would be begging to see his dad again but he hasn't even asked for him. I think he was relieved to see his father - to know that he still has one. But the visit wasn't all that great. So now that he's gone, he doesn't miss him.
I'll say a prayer - that you are able to put your childrens father in God's hands, and focus on the people who need you. What happens to your ex doesn't need to effect you. It shouldn't. Sure there may be sometimes when he does something to you and the kids that causes angst (like not filling out paperwork or something) but those times are fleeting. Your life will go on. His life will go on. Your childrens life will go on. It's all about acceptance and attitude.
His dad is out on bail. I tracked him down at the crack house and brought him to my house. Andrew was so excited to see him. But then he became very disappointed - wondering why he couldn't wake daddy up. Daddy slept on our couch for 15 hours while Andrew jumped all over him. His father was sick - babbling, drooling, it freaked me out. I thought he was dying. He didn't. After a while, Andrew just forgot he was there. Once in a while he would poke him. The next morning, I woke him up and took him to the passport office with me. We got the paperwork taken care of. Then I dropped him back at the crackhouse that I picked him up at. It was devestating for me. But I knew I would survive and I did. I was even more surprised at my 2 year olds reaction. I thought he would be begging to see his dad again but he hasn't even asked for him. I think he was relieved to see his father - to know that he still has one. But the visit wasn't all that great. So now that he's gone, he doesn't miss him.
I'll say a prayer - that you are able to put your childrens father in God's hands, and focus on the people who need you. What happens to your ex doesn't need to effect you. It shouldn't. Sure there may be sometimes when he does something to you and the kids that causes angst (like not filling out paperwork or something) but those times are fleeting. Your life will go on. His life will go on. Your childrens life will go on. It's all about acceptance and attitude.
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