hello-kitty

Well, my ex(?) got out of prison last week. I was surprised. He has 1 year of community corrections left to go and apparently, they told him to check in in 2 weeks. That's it. That's all. He's free. No mandatory treatment, meetings, nothing. I think that is really sad. However, he is clean. He is working. He cleaned the house this weekend and he paid me some rent. He is about as emotionally mature as our 2 year son. A couple times he lashed out at me, verbally, but other than things are ok. I miss being alone and raising my son by myself but I really need the $$$ and I appreciate the help with our son. Being a single parent is hard (as you all know). I’m not attracted to him anymore but he wants a physical relationship. And he is pretty immature about it. It’s driving me nuts.

He hasn’t relapsed yet. I guess I am waiting for that to happen. Who knows… maybe he won’t. I have a really hard time believing that though. I just can’t let the past go. I just don’t feel “it” anymore. Yet, I feel strangely responsible for him. I am the only person he knows on the outside that isn’t a complete drug using idiot. I know that is not my responsibility but it’s hard to deal with the guilt if I was to withhold my hospitality from him. Not sure where I go from here.

PS. Ray, I just wanted to let you know that my ex was attending church while he was in prison too. And meetings. But he no longer wants to. That makes it even harder on me since I have started attending regularly and church is a big part of my life.

rayofsunshine

Hi Hello Kitty. Keep reading and posting on this site... you'll learn alot and get stronger. Eventually, you'll know what you need to do. Whether it be set boundaries, stop enabling behaviors, stay or leave, you'll figure it out as you become stronger. I have loved the peace in my home while he's been away. I'm sure you know that feeling. Theres no arguing, no worries, just focusing on my children. I expect it will take time to get used to living with him again as you are finding out.

I know the immaturity you're dealing with.... I have teenagers myself, and sometimes the childish things I have to deal with from AH is just like dealing with a teenager or maybe even a 2-year old. I told him recently, I don't need another teenager... I need a man. Which are you going to be?

About church, my AH found jailhouse religion 5 years ago when he was arrested ... went thru a year long christian rehab... relapsed maybe 6months later. Went thru 2 state ordered rehabs while still on probation... went to church in between during the times he was clean. I hoping this time he really means it. My church has been really supportive in praying for and writing him. As I saw on a post in the Christians in recovery forum here, "Lead by example". If he won't go with you, keep going for yourself. Eventually he may want to come along.

I'll say a prayer for you and for your ex that he'll stay on the sobriety path and do things that will help him mature and grow in his recovery.

rayofsunshine

Anyone want to check in or share a story about a loved one in prison?

sunrise34

My bf was just released on parole to a 90 day treatment center. He has been locked up this time for the past 2 1/2 years. At the time he was arrested I found out I was pregnant. Our son just turned 2 and they have never met. Some people may not agree with me for not taking my son to see his father, but I just couldn't bring him to a prison. I was doing very well raising our son all by myself. This is my first child and I really don't know any other way. I work full time so he has to be in daycare full time. Anyway...thank goodness I found a place he likes and I am very comfortable with the care they provide him. My bf (not even sure if that is what he is anymore)...but he has only been in the treatment center for 3 weeks and already he is getting me involved with his drama! I told him once before I don't want it and of course he promised to never get me involved again. To make a long story short, not too sure what is the truth anymore because all of these little red flags are popping up and my gut is screaming "BEWARE!" At this point I'm so done. I'm so exhausted I don't even know how to get my thoughts out clearly!

Life Change

welcome Sunrise. you sure are in one of the right places, lots of shareing and experance here. i am still in prison, well jail now, on work release and have done about 2 1/2 years so far. i can understand you not wanting to bring your child to the prison, for a visit. its not the prettiest place.
well as for me i am back in the office already and start training for a new position today. i just put in what effort i can and let the results be handled by God, because i dont have contol like that and when i thought i did i just made things worse. LOL

rayofsunshine

Hi Sunrise. Welcome to our thread. I'm thinking boundaries, boundaries, boundaries when I read your post. Set some boundaries so you won't be dragged into the drama. Start with small ones like hanging up the phone if it's too much drama coming from the other end. Let him see you mean what you say if you tell him you're hanging up, do it. It's not about control doing this, it's about protecting you and your sanity.

I done this with AH, (It's not easy) but it helps to keep you out of the drama which is your 1st priority. I think it helps them too because they learn they can't act certain ways and still have your support, etc. They have to think differently which can be an improvement.

rayofsunshine

Dakota.. I just noticed... it's been a year since both you and I found this site and this
thread that has helped me so much.


I am so thankful for Dakota, Cinderellawkids, Babs, CMC, FrankiB, Sadness and all the other special people who have dropped in on our thread along the way to share their experience and grow our recoveries together. I am thankful for the newcomers here like Lifechange. It means alot to me to hear the "other side"... from prison to recovery. There is hope of recovery ... Dakota and Lifechange give me hope. There's also failures if the addict is just not ready to stop. Those stories are important to share too, as we don't know which path our addict will take, but we can learn and grow from the experience of others.

So just a little thank you to everyone here for taking the time to share! Keep sharing!

hello-kitty

Hi Sunrise. Your son is the same age as mine. My ex went to prison when his son was 3 mos old. I took him to visit. It was lame and dirty. My son didn't even really care. It was more for his dad. I say good for you for protecting your son and doing what you think is right despite what other people might say.

My ex was just released from prison. He is working. He is not using... although he has started social drinking again. Tequila. "Not much" according to him. I want to know how much is not much tequila?

He is living on my couch. It sucks. It's nice to have someone to help with the baby. And his son absolutely ADORES him. But having him there is also very frustrating as he acts very similar to a two year old himself. The court did not order him any treatment. I think that is a real bummer but if he wanted treatment, he could seek it out. He thinks he has this all figured out. I hope and pray his son doesn't get crushed in the process.

Take care of yourself and be true to your gut and those red flags. It sounds like you are being a great mom! I think Ray has a great suggestion when she says, "HANG UP THE PHONE"!

sunrise34

Thanks Everyone...well, I just found out today he was moved from the program to a halfway house b/c of some stuff that was going on....but, now he has sooo much freedom. He actually worked today and was able to walk the streets. He said he can be out of there in 30 days. 30 days? not sure if i'm ready for that! He wants to get together this weekend to see us and meet his son for the first time! This is all happening so fast. My head is really spinning...I need to stay strong and stay in control and yes...boundaries...boundaries...boundaries....I know...I am scared b/c I don't want to fall into that "old me" again...giving in to him.

I really liked my life these past 2.5 years. Sure it was hard at times being a single mom, but I LOVE every minute of it! I think what scares me too is now I will have to share my son???? Is that me being selfish? I just don't want him to get hurt...I just feel the need to protect my little guy!

rayofsunshine

Hello-Kitty,
I think you'll know soon enough by his actions whether he has it all figured out.
No matter what happens, be sure to protect yourself financially, just in case he
slips. Sending prayers this will be his time to really change.

rayofsunshine

Sunrise,
You'll know in time whether he's really serious about his recovery this time. Just take it one day at a time.... Did you meet for the weekend?

Don't give up on the life of peace you've had for the past 2.5 years ... give him the choice (if you want him in your life) that he eithers grows with you or moves on. Let him know living a life of chaos again is not an option. Do whats best for you. Your peace and serenity matter so you can be the best mom possible to your son. For me, I struggled so much being a "good mom" when I had all my energy focused on my AH and his addiction. The past 1.5 year he's been in prison has given me time to focus on my children and me and I feel very strongly he'll get kicked out if he comes home and goes back to using, cause I don't want to go back to that life again.

sunrise34

rayofsunshine,

No, we didn't meet for the weekend b/c he had a 7 day black-out period, which was actually fine with me. Although, he did mention the new house was asking why he was there so fast? Apparently, he was moved to a 3/4 house which he wasn't qualified for...he should have been moved to a half-way house at least. So, parole was to meet with the director of the house today. He was pretty confident (or appeared to be)that they were going to let him stay there. We were making plans to meet this weekend so he could meet his son. When I got home from work there was a message from someone at the house. I called him back and he just told me I was the contact to pick up his property because he was no longer at the house. He couldn't tell me what happened or where he went.

So, of course I start assuming the worst and start getting mad at him b/c he must have done something? Although, one thing I think I can pretty sure about is that he must be back in jail b/c if they moved him to another house they would have taken his property with him. Right?

I keep thinking there is more to what he has told me. Things just don't make sense.

I have really enjoyed my life these past couple of years and I have enjoyed being ME and a MOM! I am mad at myself for letting myself get so stressed over his drama these past couple of weeks. For falling right back into that again! What a reminder to keep myself on track!

Like my quote says, "My life is too important to waste waiting for someone else's choices, even when it's someone I dearly love." I just have to remember to live it!

Thanks for your kind words and support!

rayofsunshine

Thank you for sharing Sunrise. I'm doing ok too, but I do worry about what will happen when he gets out. (I don't let myself think on that too much though.) Your story helps remind me to keep myself on track also. Trying to remember.... NO expectations.

You're right, it doesn't make alot of sense about the houses and him not getting to take his property with him. I'm sure you'll be hearing from him soon, though, and you'll know in time. You sound like you're doing well and remember no matter what happens with him, YOU'RE going to be ok.

hello-kitty

sunrise / sunshine (such happy screen names),

since my ex got out I have really had to focus on making sure I don't go back to my old ways of thinking. I found myself slipping and starting to obsess on his actions and his behavior. Now I am realizing I have to put a stop to that because it is really unhealthy - for both of us.

So now, I am trying to focus on myself and living the way I was living it when he was in - seeing my friends, going to the park with my son, church, being me and being MOM. I am happy and independent, and I cannot let him take that from me. If he wants to come along on my journey, that's fine. But I cannot change my path for him.

I started to feel like (and still have suspicions) that there is a lot more than what my ex is telling me too. I do not trust anything he says right now and it was eating me alive. That's when I realized I really had to change my thinking and focus on my mental health. He is going to do what he is going to do and I have no control. A leopard will show his true spots eventually.

My new motto is "the only drama in my life is the drama I create myself."

Be true to yourself no matter what and you'll be fine.

rayofsunshine

Hello-Kitty
Love your new motto! I'll have to keep repeating that to myself. LOL

Life is just too short to spend being unhappy and in the midst of chaos.Thanks for sharing ... you've given us a good reminder to focus on ourselves and our own happiness. If we do this, the rest will fall in place (with or without them) just as it's meant to be.


I finally had a good normal conversation with AH when he called yesterday. This is progress. (if you've not read any of my previous posts, we cannot ever have a normal conversation because its always why I don't write, etc.) He's getting ready to take the math part of his GED. He's already passed the reading, so he'll finally get his GED. This is a good accomplishment for now. He's already found a program that will help him get a job when he's released. He told me that when he does work, he'll either have the check direct deposit or bring the check to me and I can give him spending $. I'm not sure I want to be the keeper, but if he's asking, would that be ok? He told me this because he knows how I'm struggling financially and he wants to make sure we get caught up, etc. and not be in this shape again.

dollydo

Ray,

For many addicts money is a trigger, payday is the start of a drug induced haze, so, having his check direct deposited may be a good option. Only thing with that is: his name will have to be on the account, so, he can tap it if he wants to.

There is a fine line between control and common sense. I would try and get any money i could. There are no guarantees when dealing with a person who has an addiction.

He will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is active or not, that's the bottom line. This disease has no cure.

My ex-abf now gets out in August, I am not looking forward to that. I did write to him and told him I was done with him, again, it didn't do any good, he is still writing and calling collect, I refuse them, he just won't give up. And now, his parole officer is calling, I keep telling him that ex is not coming back to my home, period, end of conversation.

I sincerely hope he makes it this time, but, that's as far as I will go, I am done...I can no longer hitch my star on him. It's my star, and, I'll shine without him.

rayofsunshine

Thanks Dolly. I'll have to give that some thought. Right now, his name if not on the bank accounts (took him off). Not sure I'd want to add him on.

Hopefully your ex-abf will get it when the parole office tells him too. Your star is definitely shining. Your recovery shines, hopefully I'll be that strong one day!

rayofsunshine

Any one want to check in or give an update?

sunrise34

Well, I found out my b/f was sent back to county jail on a parole violation last Friday because he didn't complete the program. It wasn't his fault b/c adminstration moved him to protect him. My b/f is not part of any gangs and was having problems with the gangs in prison. Anyway, he had a hearing today and was told he will be going back into a program! I'm very glad about that because going back to prison isn't what he needs. He needs a program and that is what he wants, which is much different from the past. So, I think there is hope.

I just want him to be a good father to our son and I know he will be if he stays clean. I want to be a family some day. A healthy happy family.

rayofsunshine

Sunrise, glad to hear your B/F wants into a program now. Praying for you both that this will be his time to change his life. There is hope! I've seen alot of testimonies in my community of former addicts that have changed (and stayed that way). Keep your boundaries in place and you'll be stronger, healthier, and happier.