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Loved Ones in Prison

Old 09-12-2007, 04:43 PM
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Babs... I'm still thinking on your last post..... sorting through these feelings in my head. I'll post more when I sort it out. Thanks for the insight and making me think!
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Old 09-12-2007, 07:07 PM
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Ray, I don't envy you at all.....it is so hard to finally say "No More!" It took me years! This was the 7th time he was in jail, and every time before, I believed him, and trusted him....and every time before, it was just one more in the long line of disappointments.....and each time was worse than the time before....Not because he was worse, but each time I was more disgusted with myself for being so gullible and so needy that I kept letting him play me for a patsy. It was really myself that I got so fed up with.

Shoot, how darn needy was I that I would allow someone (anyone!) to keep doing that to me again and again and again!? I didn't end up hating him, I ended up hating ME!

You know that old song that goes, "It's not for what you are that makes me love you like I do, but for what I AM when I am with you..." I don't want to live a life where I have to be constantly on my guard....where I have to go to 6 meetings a week just to keep myself from thoughts of suicide, where I know better than to trust anything that comes out of his mouth. It makes me anguished and miserable and miserable to be around. If I don't have a relationship that reinforces the good things in me, I would just rather be alone.

If I ever get involved with another man, it will be one where I can still give him the benefit of the doubt. I won't have an entire dumpster full of old baggage and old hurts and old resentments. I think we all deserve to find love without reservations...and that includes them. I keep hoping that my X will meet someone that he hasn't already burned that can still find the best in him. I can't. Someone who can trust him enough to help him live up to that trust.....my time is past.

I am too darned old for this disappointment stuff....and too darned tired and too darned cynical!

We all know that whatever you choose will be the right thing for you in this time and in this space. If it works out, no one will be more excited than me that you were loyal enough to see him through the hard times. And if it doesn't work out, no one will be more compassionate than me....we have all been where you are....most of us more than once. We will carry you when you are hurt and sing with you when you are victorious.....and we will love you, no matter what.

(((Hugs, Girlfriend)))
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Old 09-12-2007, 10:51 PM
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loved one in prison

Hi..I'm new to the forums and have been searching the web looking for some kind of help..of peace..and found you. My husband and I have lived in a non alcohol home due to my health..I have had 4 heart attacks. But by the age of 12 my youngest son was drinking beer and hard liquor daily as we would find beer cans and empty bottles hidden all over his room. Between 12 and 15 we took him to different counseling, only to have him switch to pot use. By 16 he was on pot, coke and heroin and was sent court ordered to Daytop. He was there for 9 months and then released only to go back on drugs and back into stealing cash and tools from us along with taking our cars when we slept at night. We went thru more drug programs with him, always hoping and believing each time that this time would work.
But each time he went back to drugs and committed more serious crimes ending up in jail. He went from a slew of shoplifting to car theft and now he is 23 and back in jail again for stealing cash from his job. He sends me letters begging me to love him and to believe he didn't do this crime, but he never tells the truth..he never even admitted stealing the car which I only found out the truth about when I read his copy of the discovery. I want to believe he is innocent this time, but I can't believe him because he never tells the truth. Since he had lost his drivers license I drove him back and forth to work and because of that I was questioned about the theft.
I drove him when I had a really severe case of shingles and since I had to drive I couldn't take any of the pain pills the doctor had given me..then I find out from his girlfriend that she had offered to drive him to work each day to make it easier on me and he told her no..it was our special time. He wrote me telling me he knew I was in pain and he would have preferred that physical pain rather then the mental pain he suffered watching me drive. Apparantly he doesn't know she told me about her driving offer that he had refused. I am suffering now from severe depression because I have not sent him any money this time that he is back in jail and I have not gone to see him as I did all the other times. I did write him telling him that he has money confused with love and that I have finally set boundaries and will not allow him back in my life if he continues to do drugs and commit crimes...he wrote back telling me I need to change my way of thinking if I expect other people to change and that hopefully I will learn one day that love has no boundaries. Eleven years of trying to help him, of being there when he needed me, being there when he had no one else and he sees none of that as love..he manipulates everyone so badly that no one not even the girl he was seeing will visit him because he makes everyone feel guilty since they did not bail him out or believe him. He wrote that we all think he s better off in jail as he can t do drugs there., but he says he can get drugs there, so I refuse to send him any money..then he tells people how cold he is there and how hungry he is and how no one will help him. I feel like I'm going crazy, and to make matters worse he has hepatitis C which they do not treat in jails here so when he wrote he told he was going to die and it will be my fault for not gettting him out. God forgive me for saying this, but for awhile I thought about putting up the bail and picking him up and driving the car off one of the cliffs where we live.
I know that sounds awful, but somehow to me, it seemed it would put us both at peace..I didn't do only because my other son is a police officer and I knew it would hurt him and he doesn't deserve that. My husband wants to move away from here and I would like to move also..move closer to where older son lives but then I feel like what kind of mother am I to want to move away from her lost child. I'm so confused and so hurt........... CarolnRose
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Old 09-13-2007, 04:29 AM
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You are in the right place Carol....we have all been where you are. We have all contemplated suicide....or murder....or both. We have all been at the ends of our respective ropes again and again and again.

Do you go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings? Do yourself a favor and track down one in your area. I can honestly say that those meetings SAVED MY LIFE! Literally and figuratively.

In the meantime, please understand that your son is using the technique that has worked for him again and again. Guilt. We are so susceptible to it. But the truth is that he made the choices that got him where he is. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. When, and if, he ever gets clean, it will be because he is finally tired of the life he is leading. The sooner you let him feel the consequences of his actions, the sooner that might happen.

I urge you to read all the "stickies" at the top of the forum. They are invaluable. I also urge you to take care of yourself, because YOU are invaluable. And keep coming back here, because the experience strength and hope you can find here are invaluable. If you look around, there are many, many Moms of addicts who post here.

Be gentle with yourself, my friend.

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Old 09-13-2007, 11:33 AM
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Hi Ray, often times I am tempted to do things for him to make his life easier because that's who I am - a caretaker. But I resist. I appreciate that the guy just got out of prison and is trying to make a new life. But I am have learned that before anything or anything else, I need to be honorable to myself and true to my feelings. Because if I don't, who will?

Kimmy~ You have a lot on your plate. If I could offer you any advice I would tell you to just take things one day at a time, and don't worry what might happen. It is overwhelming and depressing. You have no control over the situation with your father. And your brother is 17. Nearly an adult. So if you do end up taking him in, he will be old enough to legally be on his own soon, should you decide it's not working. Whatever you decide, don't take any [email protected] from anyone ok. You'll be fine.

Hi and welcome Carol. Most important, take care of YOU. You can't help your lost son or anyone if you aren't healthy. Take care.
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Old 09-13-2007, 03:36 PM
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Hello-Kitty... thats where alot of my enabling him came in too... just because I like doing nice things for others... a caretaker as you say. Is he working yet?


Hi CAROL... Welcome to SR! I bailed my AH out time and time again... I wasted so much $$ on bonds. I won't do that again. I finally reached my enough is enough. I haven't sent $ except for his birthday while he's been in prison. They can get by without $ if needed. They get food. If they don't have $ on their account, they
get personal hygiene items once a month from the state or from local churches. The extra $$ can go toward the snack/coffee machines or sometimes they can puchase tennis shoes, radios etc. From what I hear drugs are available. But if they drug test you and you fail, you'll go to the "hole" (solitary confinement) up to several months. I understand about not wanting to visit or send $$. He did a lot of things, broke a lot of trust. It takes time and effort to gain trust back. When he gets serious about recovery and if he works the steps, he'll make amends to you and not place blame. Like Babs said, it's just classic addict manipulation and blame placing. Anything to take the focus off them and shift it to you so they don't have to own up to their addictions/ problems.

Be sure to read the sticky post "what addicts do" at the top of the forum. Addiction turns our loved ones into "an evil person" that does and says things our loved one wouldn't say or do. Try not to take it personally. It is the evil twin talking. Your son is still there and hopefully will take over and start working his recovery when he realizes how his actions have gotten him where he's at. Keep reading and posting. You'll get lots of support and encouragement here. Attend meetings if you can!
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Old 09-13-2007, 03:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Babs View Post
I am too darned old for this disappointment stuff....and too darned tired and too darned cynical!
Me too! For now, I feel I have one last chance left. But, I am too tired and cynical to put up with any crap!! I am a lot stronger now, and I know without a doubt, I won't go back to living like we were in the past.

I've been carrying around alot of unforgiveness towards him. Alot of resentments. Especially when trying to make ends meet with the bills, resentment builds. I'm gonna have to choose to forgive him before he gets home. (I've been reading on this, also heard a good message Sunday from Dr. Charles Stanley which mentioned unforgiveness). I know forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. I know it is mostly for me, not for him. I remember your saying Babs, unforgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. But, I just can't do it yet. If I do, I'm setting myself up for disappointment. At least this is what I feel at the moment.
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Old 09-13-2007, 07:23 PM
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Ray, I was able to forgive my X a lot faster than I was able to forgive myself for putting up with it so long. Unfortunately, it was my natural tendency to forgive him that kept me sick for so long. I would love and forgive, and love and forgive, and love and forgive while he just kept going deeper into the pit. I don't even like to talk to him on the phone because I still don't trust myself not to love and forgive one more time.

I really, really hope it works out for you....and him. There are success stories out there....look at Dakota! This could be his time.

You will know soon enough, Ray. You are so strong and so smart. If he can't live up to his expectations, you know that you can make it on your own. When you don't "need" someone, it is a lot easier to make rational decisions about them.

You will be fine, one way or another.

((Hugs))
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Old 09-13-2007, 09:04 PM
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Thanks Babs. Speaking of Dakota... hope you get the computer glitches worked out. We miss your words of wisdom! And thanks for the reminder, that I can make it on my own if needed. I don't have to give up my peace and serenity.

I realized today, I do have some feelings to work through. I do hearing tests PT, and on a job today, I saw a guy my AH used to work with. (A normal guy, not an addict.) I didn't recognize him, but he did me, and asked me if I was so&so's wife. I said yes, and went on to tell him where AH was now, in prison. He said" I thought he was doing good last time I saw him, said he was going to church and working, etc. We talked for a few minutes and proceeded with the test... during which a wave of sadness kinda flowed through me. Afterwards, he told me it would be ok, AH was a good guy and he thinks he'll work it out this time. I didn't have time to break down or cry, but it was just an unexpected feeling of sadness... I guess I've been so strong, keeping everything together, and it's really the 1st time a "normal" person ever took the time to talk about the good in AH and share a little hope. I didn't feel less-than or looked down on like a lot of people make me feel when they know you have a spouse in prison. (I'm working on self-esteem issues too. LOL)
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Old 09-14-2007, 03:12 AM
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Ray, I have found that all the feelings fade eventually.....except the sadness. That just lingers and lingers.

Addiction.....such a waste. So much hurt. So sad.

If they can really beat it.....what a victory!

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Old 09-14-2007, 10:19 PM
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Thank you for your kind words...I'm looking for a support group in my area but need a little more time to get myself together as don't want to just go there and cry. I know I need help badly but I have to stop crying first.
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Old 09-15-2007, 03:25 AM
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Carol, there is a box of Kleenex on the table of every Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meeting I have ever been to.....we all go there in pain, and tears are cleansing. I think I cried for the whole first year of meetings. With what you are going through, if you wait for the tears to stop, you may never go at all.

Just go. You have nothing to lose but your pain....

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Old 09-18-2007, 08:12 PM
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Sean, hope your doing ok. Anyone else want to update or check in with a story of their loved one in prison?
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Old 09-19-2007, 09:46 AM
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Hello all! Welcome to Kimm & Caroln. This is defiantly a great place to be for finding a sure path. I know that reading and posting here has helped me a lot. I am a recovering addict and am on work release coming off of a 3 year prison term. Prison saved my life and gave me a chance to learn and find my way, so it is possible, but it is also the hardest thing I think I have ever done, and continue to do. My prayers are with you and your loved ones. I don’t get a lot of free time at work to post here but I try to read as I can, and will try and post more, as I can.
Hello also to Ray, Babs, Kitty, Sadness, Dakota, and others.
I am doing very well at work in the office. I am looking at getting a restricted license soon, and hopefully a promotion by the time I get out (march). I just had oral surgery last week and all is well now, but dealing with the meds while still in jail was a big headache. I still read a lot and do my Bible studies, and look forward to meetings on the street.
I also am dealing with a few people closely related to me being addicted to drugs. One is trying to get better and the other I don’t know, but I have learned a lot from you all here on how to concentrate on me and then I will be able to be there when they may be ready, but I cant make them become ready and I just need to be safe for me.
Ther are other tings I would like to type, just don’t have the time right now.
Sadness, about writing your Dad: just write anything , your day at school, your friends, what you like doing, maybe yall could even read the same book and talk about it. I know I enjoyed every word that my son wrote me when I couldn’t really talk to him.
Well I look forward to learning more with you all in the near future.

“I use to use drugs to alter my perception of reality, now I use reality to alter my perception of drugs”- ME
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Old 09-19-2007, 10:09 AM
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Well, My son's father is gone. He's been out of prison for 2 1/2 mos. He never admitted to drug use, actually vehemently denied it, without me even asking but last Friday he went out for pizza and never came back. He didn't answer any phone calls. Didn't respond to text messages. Nothing. On Sunday evening he called and asked if he could come home. I reminded him of the boundaries I had set. One of which was if you disappear, do not come back. He got very upset at me, complaining he didn't do anything wrong. Idiot. Whatever. My son was pretty devestated. He's only two. He has been looking out the window to see if his dad's car is there. He's been saying, "daddy, pizza? daddy like pizza??" He was pretty listless and sad for a couple days. I'm just trying to keep him busy doing fun things. His father was more of a glorified playmate than a role model anyway. Anyway, that was the last I heard from him. I have mixed emotions ranging from anger to relief to hurt and even some guilt (like it's my fault? that's a codie emotion if I ever felt it). But it's been relatively easy since I had a good routine in place and no expectations that he would be around forever.

Anyway, I dont know where he is or what he is doing. I kicked him out so it's no longer my business anyway. I feel bad for my son though, that his father is such a self-serving manipulative SOB that doesn't care enough about his baby boy to try to make contact.
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Old 09-20-2007, 09:11 PM
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Sorry things turned out that way, Hello Kitty. You know sticking to your boundaries is the best thing you can do for the the addict. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier I know. Do something nice for yourself and keep doing fun things with your son. You'll get through this and who knows... maybe your son's father will hit his bottom. You sound strong ... keep focusing on you and your son and the rest will fall in place. Saying a special prayer for you and your son tonight.
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Old 09-24-2007, 05:55 PM
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Hello Everyone. I wrote a letter to my dad but I dotn think I am going to send it. He has court tomarrow. Im so worried and scarred about. Because he could be in for a few years. Im going to be a nervous wreck tomarrow.
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Old 09-24-2007, 11:07 PM
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Im so worried I cant sleep. I have a weird feeling that it isnt going to turn out well. And I decided to brake school polcies and keep my cell phone in my pocket and turned on. In case he calls. When he calls im going to the restroom and answering my phone. But I have feeling this ist going to go well. It makes me sick to my stomach. Im afard that im going to fall apart tomarrow and end up crying. I know it has to be as least 10 weeks. But I have a feeling that it could be longer. If he gets 3 years or more he will miss my 16th birthday party. I know he will be on probation until at least 2009. And I turn 16, december of 2009. So he is problay going to miss it anyway. Well Im going to try to go get some sleep. Good Night and Thanks Everyone
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Old 09-25-2007, 07:16 PM
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Hi Sadness. Sending prayers and hugs your way. How did things go today? You really amaze me with the maturity you have at such a young age. I know no matter what happens with your dad, you're gonna be ok.
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Old 09-26-2007, 06:45 PM
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Hello Everyone. The hearing got change to Friday. And thats kind of weird because that weird thing that things werent going to go good never went away. He called me today and I said hello and the first the he said was, "whats wrong?" I just said nothing though Because I didnt want to tell him that i had a feeling that things werent going to go well. My grades have kind of dropped this week. Thanks ray. Well how is everyone else?
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