hello-kitty

Duhh. I just wanted to scream when I read that, "You're in prison Dad." That's what's wrong. HELLO?! Did that make you mad to hear him say that? Like he can't figure out why you are upset. URGHHH.

I'm sorry Sadness. My heart aches for you. You are such a tough kid but a kid shouldn't be put through what you are being put through by your father. That just makes me mad.

I'm feeling a bit angry today anyway. I haven't heard from my son's Dad since last Sunday. He called cuz he wanted his stuff. I said call me Monday and that was it. Haven't heard from him since. I'm pissed cuz my son is so sweet and such a love. He's only 2 and he can barely talk. But he tells me stories about his dad. Daddy climb ladder. Daddy fix toys. Daddy and me eat pizza. Daddy come home?

I can't take it. I want to hurt his dad like he is hurting his baby boy. But there is no way I can do that. Because his dad hasn't got any feelings.

He used his relationship with his son to get at me to make sure he had a place to stay when he got out of prison. But when push came to shove and he had to make a choice between his baby or a crack pipe, he chose the crack pipe.

That's pure evil. I hope he gets arrested again real soon and rots in jail for the next 10 years for lying to me and manipulating his family. He deserves what he gets and he better stay away from me if he knows whats good for him.

Obviously he does because he certainly hasn't made much of an attempt at contact.

My question is, what do I do with his stuff now? I'm sick of it taking up space in my house. Absolutely sick of it. It's been here for 3 years now. I'm done providing a storage unit for a crackhead jackass.

Impurrfect

Hi Kitty -

There have been several other posters here have gone through the same thing and I'm sure they will be along.

My only thoughts are if you can call him, tell him "if you aren't here by ________ your stuff will be waiting for trash pickup" and if it's too much for stuff for trash you can usually hire someone to come haul it off for you. Yeah, you would have to pay for it but the peace you'd get from getting rid of it, to me, would be worth it.

Also if there's any furniture and it's in decent shape, some places will pick it up.

I have a feeling he will just let it go wherever. Crack will make do that (been there, done that but not anymore)

Good luck!
Amy

Jbaby

I'm so glad to have found this place, it is really giving me strength. My soon-to-be-ex boyfriend called me yesterday for the first time this week ( I say soon-to-be because I haven't seen him since I bailed him out this weekend, and I want to tak to him face to face when I end this relationship, which should happen today hopefully). He read me a letter stating that he shouldn't have been taken off of probation in January and he is to report to his new PO immediately. He reported that it was "bad news", but I told him that this was really a blessing. Now, I'm taking this with a grain of salt until I actually see the letter with my own two eyes, but I feel kind of relieved that now someone will be monitoring him and giving him regular drug tests, even if that means he may end up in jail.

sadness123

Acturally I was kind of glad he could tell that something was wrong. Because he has been in and out of my life since I was born. And I didnt know that he knew me that well.
I have recently figured out something about myself. I have commitment issues and I can't trust a boy. Once the relationship starts to get serious I end it. I have been hurt to many times by my father. So now every boy I meet will problay have to pay for it. Like the boy I really really like we went out and then it started to get serious so I broke up with him. Then we went out again and it started to get serious again So I broke up with him again. We both still like each other but I am afarid to commit or trust a boy. Well im heading to bed. good night.

rayofsunshine

Sadness, you can work on you and get better in spite of your relationship with your father. Go to the local library and check out what's in the self-help section. Start by reading "Co-dependent no more" by Melody Beatty. Alot of us who love addicts find ourselves co-dependent because we thought if we did everything for the addict
(putting them first and not worrying about ourself and our happiness) that we could change them. Being the child of the addict has alot more issues to deal with, and there should be other good books that can help you work through this when you are ready.

rayofsunshine

Hello-Kitty... my revenge side says have a "yard sale" and sell all his stuff, then
spend the $$ on a nice treat for yourself. Addiction really sucks.

Jbaby... it's good you've gotten to the place to take things with "a grain of salt".
Sometimes I have a hard time with that one... NO EXPECTATIONS and ACTIONS
not WORDS. Welcome to our thread. Hope you'll keep posting. You'll learn alot
here at SR.

sadness123

Friday he was suppose to call and tell me how court went and how long he got. But he didnt. He just told me to write him a letter. So im guessing it didnt go well.

graci

Hi, im Graci, ive been on SR on and off for about a year and a half. At the time I first joined, my abf was only into pot, except he was dysfunctional, as time went by he got worse and worse. About 4 months after I joined here he went to Arkansas to his brothers wedding, and relapsed on meth, from there it started going downhill rapidly, he came home after a week, went back to the pot but then started with the coke, which led to trying crack, and after that heroin. He joined the marines last december to try to make a new start in his life, made it through bootcamp, and I was so proud. Came home on leave did pretty well, except recently he told me that he smoked crack the one night he went out with his friends. Well anyways, after he went back to base he found that they werent going to let him continue in his training, there was a problem with his ankle, so he ended up in a medical platoon, just there waiting bored out of his mind, he soon found that he could sneak in alcohol, and buy others pain pills, sleeping pills, etc. When I saw and talked to him I could tell he was getting more an more depressed, he ended up going awol around the first of June, and being awol for 70 days, during this time I never suspected him of using, although looking back now that I know, I can see it. Anyways he was pot, crack and heroin, shooting it up, not everyday mind u, because alot of days he was home with me, but enough. He then went back to base, I found out everything and confronted him about it, and he said he knew he was sick, that he wanted to get help, even talked to the chaplain. He asked to be placed in mental health services and they denied him going because of te legal issues of him being awol. Well and heres where he finallly really flushes himself down the toilet. A week and a half after going back to base he went awol again. Down to tijuana with a friend to celebrate his friends bday party a bit etc. He didnt tell me he was going. I didnt hear from him for 2 days and by that time was a bit frantic, so when he called and told me that he needed me to send him money so he could get back to base, he gave some story about landing in a mexican jail and that the mexican police took their money, which does happen, so i sent him some money. In the meantime one of their friends went missing, apparently he went off with some really bad people, and my bf told me that he was worried about him. WEll after I sent the money he and his other buddy went back to mexico to look for their friend, which btw they never found, but my bf ended up getting meth, which he hadnt touched in over a year. After that the next time I heard from him was the following night and by this time I was frantic, had been trying to call his phone and finally someone who spoke spanish answered and told me that the phone was sold to him for 40 bucks. My bf was so incredibally high when I talked to him talking about people watching him, people smuggling drugs, illegal aliens etc.. He scared the holy crap outta me, he sounded horrible, after that i didnt hear from him for 3 days, got to the point where I thought he was dead. The next time I heard from him he sounded better, he didnt ask for any money said he had to try to get back to base, he had almost died. talked to him again the same night and he was high again. He even told me he was doing drugs down there, heroin and meth didnt lie to me about that, although about how much Im sure he did.
The next day he called me from the border, he had gotten arrested, the charge was illegal alien smuggling, there is more involved, Im not actually sure he did it of his own freewill, but who knows, he is now facing a 5 year mandatory minimum sentence, and yes it is the federal system and its a federal felony. He says its a wake up call for him, I truly hope it is, because i know if he goes back to using it will only get worse. Hes been in 1 month now, he calls me alot, but I havent gotten any letters which hurts me a bit, because im sure he doesnt have alot better to do in there.
GGod how i wish i understood the reasons y someone would just flush there life down the toilet like that, I dont ever think I will. ive told him that i will support and encourage him thru this but only if he is willing to get help and actually follows thru. Im glad he is in jail, not because I hate him, but maybe because he will finally open up his eyes and see where his way of life will lead him each and everytime. Its a chance for him. I also know it could go the other way. I choose to believe in him. I know that the drugs he was using were pretty heavy, and that he tried to od on the heroin when he was in mexico, he told me. I know if he goes back to it he will end up dead cuz what is worse than trying to kill yourself and then end up in prison, I dont think anything. Im so afraid, if this isnt his bottom than he i one of those that dont have one. Anyways this is getting really long and Im sorry just wanted to share my story..

hello-kitty

Hi Sadness keep us posted ok? Rayofsunshine's advice to read that book Co-dependent No More is excellent. And it's an excellent book. It will help so much.

I know that your father has hurt you terribly over the years but just remember that at some point, you can face that damage he has done to you head on and take control over your life. Recognizing that you have a problem with relationships because of your relationship with your dad has done is the first step. Getting help for that problem is the second step. In the end, you can overcome your disappointing relationship with your dad. It's really up to you. Even if your father was never there for you, you can still have loving meaningful long term relationships with good decent men.

In the meantime, I suggest you just stay away from boys all together and focus on doing really well in school, getting into college, and getting a great job when you get out. :-) IMO, boys suck. Especially high school boys. lol.

Focus on yourself and becoming the best young woman you can be. Despite your father.

I'm pulling for ya!

hello-kitty

Hi graci. That's quite a story. Thanks for sharing. Are you doing ok? Sometimes I think that the best place for addicts is in jail. They have a better chance of staying clean in there. And a smaller chance of dying from their drug addiction. Your abf sounds like he was completely out of control before he got arrested. Going to jail could be the best chance he has at getting clean and sober.

rayofsunshine

Welcome Graci. You sure have been through a lot. While he's in jail, put the focus on you and you getting better. I know living with the daily ups and downs with an active addict nearly drove me insane. I really didn't realize how insane I had become, until he was arrested and I had time to finally look at me. Take care of yourself, do something nice just for you. Thanks for sharing your story ... and keep reading and posting, you'll get so much support and encouragement here at SR.


Hi Cindi!

rayofsunshine

Hello Kitty.... your boundary if he stays out on a binge he can't come home has me thinking about my own boundaries I need to set and enforce. Right now the only boundary I really have is if when he calls he starts in about me not writing or me not doing this or that, I hang up and take the phone off the hook so he can't annoy me calling back.

I've asked him to call once a week, on Fridays. Which mostly he sticks to but there are instances he doesn't. Also, he has a habit of ruining holidays, birthdays, special outings, and vacations with his bad attitude. My birthday last week was no different... he called to wish me happy birthday and maybe a couple other sentences before he started in about me not writing and how i better write and i better send it soon. I told him once he wasnt talking to me like that, and he continued that i was gonna write blah blah blah so I hung up. He didn't ruin my birthday or my attitude now, I've learned to ignore him mostly... Anyway, so what does he do?
He writes me a letter, at my work address, where he has repeatedly been told by me not to write me at work. It annoys the crap out of me that he keeps writing me at work with a total disregard to my request. (I have a home address!) So, really, the apology and other things he wrote really don't mean much seeing as he couldn't follow this simple request to write me at home, not work. Although most people I work with know where he is, I just don't want to get mail stamped "mailed from a correctional institution" or "inmate mail" at my work. Anyway, mostly just venting here... I've got a lot of thinking on boundaries, consequences and enforcing them.

Thanks everyone for posting. I learn alot from you all.

Hi Babs & Dakota!

Momsrainbow

Have not posted on this thread but may as well start. My AH has been in prison 3 times now at age 47-over half his life. He loves his drugs! He recently got busted for having a "roach" in the ashtray of the truck. The following week- for having a meth lab. Still not back in jail. Parole office was yesterday-have heard nothing. Court on the pot tomorrow night. The state is not done with the arrest warrant-but will be coming shortly. I have about gone crazy since the beginning of the year-almost. This last with the meth was the final straw. Strangley enough my best friend is the officer that found it. AH wanted me to lie for him-not this lady-not ever!!!!!! He has been in and out of MY home since May, I found SR in June-what a lifesaver. He is going to be facing 40yrs. to life-no way to avoid it! He did it to himself. I will not bail him out , find an attorney-NOTHING!!!!!! I am flat done!!!!!! He said he had done drugs since he was 12. Not an inner city kid-not a rich kid-a military kid who was being raised in Iceland of all places. His younger brother died from cancer, AH did have the same cancer several yrs. ago and the older brother has now worked for the same company for almost 30 yrs. Hard to believe. I have calmed down a lot in the past week-the first year home he did well-then the old friends started to show up-you know the good old friends (all druggies) he went to high school with-I did not want them around so more and more he stayed gone-his problem. His actions have affected more people this time than ever before-oh well-hope his good friends write him, send money, cards and accept phone calls-his family did not the last time-they won't this time and we know I will write one letter and one letter only!!!!! I do not feel I am being cruel-honest-finally going to enjoy some peace for the first time in 7 years. Druggy friends of his moved into a small remodeled rent house of mine-in 8 months they destroyed it! A mom,dad, 3 kids and 3 dogs. Parents were dopers!!!!! They were evicted-had almost a month notice-all they took were the tv's, video games and a couple changes of clothes-left everything else-clothes, rotten food, new cabinet doors torn off and lots of drug stuff all over. Thankfully, a new tenant and his brand new bride wanted the house-it is within walking distance of his parents-in two days-the man, wife and his family have fixed the house, mowed the grass, trimmed shubs. amazing!!!!! Well, it is a long story and just not worth telling again. Thanks for listening!!!!!!

hello-kitty

Ray, That's a good boundary!

Welcome momsrainbow. 40 years to life? Is that a 3 strikes deal or something? I know that when my ex first went in (for the third time) the sentence was a minimum 10 year sentence, but with plea bargaining, etc etc he ended up getting out in 2 years. He was clean for 2 months. Then he got bored and wanted to party and that was the end of it. He's back with all his druggie friends now. I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks. Our son (who is two) told me, he want's to go find daddy. It's so hard. But I am flat done now too. Same as you. If you bail him out, he will probably just run anyway and you would be out the bail money. If he's manufacturing meth, he's probably safer in jail anyway. And your probably safer too.

Hang in there and thanks for sharing.

My ex's mother called me last night. She got a call from one of Ds weirdo friends that made me sound like the bad guy in this whole thing. For example, she said, he was ONLY gone for two days before I kicked him out it wasn't like it was a week. The guy also told her D was still seeing his son. Which is a bunch of ********. He hasn't even called to see whether his son is dead or alive for 2 weeks now. He even lies to his druggie friends about what is going on. It made me so mad. I just went off on her. Anyway, thinking I might call his parole officer. Or not. I just don't have time to bother.

Momsrainbow

This will be his 4th time. The 3rd time he should have received the 70% of the sentence-he served almost 4 yrs. Bailed him out that time 5 times. The last arrest no bond!!! Thank goodness. Spent a fortune on an attorney-who was a family friend.

While he was in county I he called constantly-wanted some $$-I took it. Tried to sign up to see him-his times were booked by a "meth *****, his mom and aunt. Hmmm. Told me he could not change it. Hmmm. I was furious-would not take his calls. Then I find out the day he is transferred to prison-he married the meth *****-because I would not talk to him and he wanted someone to write to. I blew up-my PD friend blew up-his mom blew up. She came to see me and tell me she was sorry and wanted all his belongings and Lady dog(a pup then). Wrong-she got nothing other than a huge bite from the pup that left her a scar. He started divorce proceedings in prison and as soon as that divorce went through- my police friend (the one that found the meth lab) drove me, was the best man and bridesmaid for us in prison. PD drove me to pick him up for furlough and then to bring him home. Strange isn't it. Have not heard from AH for a week-which is fine. Seems like the same old mess one more time. Police friend called just a short time ago-the state just issued a fugitive warrant for AH. I honestly am not upset about it. He could have had a fantastic life but he made his decision and now he can live with it. I just want the truck back in my name!!!!!! I do not believe the meth was his alone-have a good idea of a couple people that need to also go away. He was under the impression they did not have enough on him. HAHA

I have run into a couple of his friends and they are saving it is all my fault and the police friend=how wrong!!!!!!! I knew nothing about the meth or I WOULD HAVE TURNED HIM IN!!!! I don't care what any of them think-they can go do some more drugs and won't remember anyway.

Good luck with a parole officer. I tried that over a year ago and then again this yr. AH could pass his tests and they believed everything he said. Seems strange it is all our fault huh? Then why aren't we in prison? They could test me for anything any way they wanted and would find nothing.

I could probably find him if I wanted-but no way to go look and I am not going to use the phone (it is making funny little noises). He hid out for almost a year many years ago. I have only known him for seven.

You need to take care of your son and yourself-let you AH do his own thing-it is just a matter of waiting time-then he will get caught again. So sorry you are having to go through this mess, especially with a young child. I am sure you must have it figured out by now. PM me if you need to talk.

For me-just waiting for a phone call saying they have picked them up. I would have liked to see him one last time and ask WHY-but it would have been more lies and BS and I know I would have really lost it.

rayofsunshine

Hi Moms. Glad you're sharing here. Things will get better..... keep the focus on you and your happiness now.

Babs

Hi All,

Yes, Ray, I still check in now and again to see how everyone is doing. My life is so different than it was a year or so ago, that I can't even imagine how I ever lived that way.

The last time my XAH went to jail, it took my sponsor and her alcoholic husband a good 2 hours to talk me through not bailing him out again. I listened to them (thank God!!) and it turned out to be the very best move I've made in the last 10 years. He stayed in jail, I got a divorce, he went to rehab, and I have moved on with my life.

My life is not all about addiction any more! I never dreamed that would be possible, but changing the way I was doing things (enabling him) made the difference in my world. When I look back at the way I lived, it makes me sick. I wasted SO many years allowing addiction to run my life, color my world and break my heart.

It took a little while to get used to being single, but I am so much happier. I haven't planned a murder or a suicide in 14 months! I haven't had to look in the mirror and hate myself for being a wimp and giving in to him....again. I sleep soundly and dream pleasant dreams. My whole life changed because of one decision.....to go my own way and let him go his.

I still love you guys, however, and still want to hear of your triumphs. The road through addiction was SO hard, but the lessons have made me a better, stronger, happier and more grateful person.

((Hugs))
Babs

rayofsunshine

Hi all,

Thanks for posting that Babs. Your post gave me cold chills. To think of all the wasted years! Married 19 years, addicted really for all of them. Got progressively
worse ... was hell after about 13. Wasted many years enabling & trying to change him.
I just didn't know any better. Didn't want friends to know how bad it really was when they seemed to have great marriages. I'm so thankful for SR... I've learned
so much here, and it's great to see others who aren't suffering for the 15-20 years like me because they learn about not enabling and taking care of themselves and are able to leave or detach and acquire some happiness. Happiness is few and far between when you're a co-dependent living with an active addict. But there is hope! You've got to seek change.

Babs

19 years, Ray? Is that all? I was with mine 34 years.........sigh. He started having addiction issues back around 1990, but I had no idea what the problem was. I just thought my marriage was falling apart, that he didn't love me. When he went to 6-month rehab back in 2001, he opened up that it had been meth all that time.

It has been a huge adjustment for me to

#1-decide to live my life alone.

#2-actually do it.

And #3-learn to enjoy it.

I still have my doubts sometimes.....but then I "play the tape all the way through" and I know that my life now is 1,000,000 times better now than it was before.

I get lonely sometimes, but it is nothing compared to the loneliness I felt when he was right there in the living room, high as a kite, tweaking and lying.

An Al-Anon friend mentioned that I needed to empty the waste basket in my soul....I told her that I didn't have a waste basket, I had a dumpster! Yes, she replied, but you filled that dumpster one little waste basket at a time, and that is the way you need to empty it. She was right. Each day without him leads me to new revelations about him, myself, our marriage, my needs and my goals. In the last year I have sorted through SO much sorrow....mine, his, my kids'. I have chosen to stop living and breathing and dreaming and reading addiction, addiction, addiction. I have chosen to heal. I have chosen to live again.

Do you know that there are actually people out there who have never gotten a collect call from jail??!! Who don't hide their purses! Who don't feel ashamed and debased by the love of their life! There are actually people out there who are proud of their husbands, who trust them, who respect them. There are people out there who are proud of themselves, who don't feel used, who don't feel betrayed, who don't feel like failures.

I want to be one of THOSE people. Truth be told, I am becoming one of THOSE people, little by little, one day at a time, one waste basket at a time. All because of three simple choices.

To love myself instead of clinging to him.

To honor myself instead of enabling him.

To respect myself instead of allowing myself to be used and manipulated.

It is a whole new world.

Babs

rayofsunshine

Yeah, 19 years, and truth be told, when he comes home, I'm really afraid of it turning into 34 years or forever. I feel strong, but what if I'm not... what if he's really changed? what if he's not? If he's changed, what an adjustment and all the learning to trust issues. If he's not, it will not be an easy task to get him out. (I've been staying away from the what if's... but I only have 3 months until he's out, so I've got to have a plan b.)

Thanks Babs, for all the insight. Your posts really make me think and I've learned so much from you. You're an inspiration that I can be ok!

Hi Lifechange, hope you're doing great!
HelloKitty how are you?