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Old 11-20-2007, 04:00 PM
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Anyways here is an update on my dad. I was getting mad because he hadnt called or wrote me back. Then I found out that he went to rehab. So he isnt allowed to talk to anybody I have heard for both 60 days and 6 months. I dont which one it is. So we wont be able to talk for awhile. Well I have to go. Bye.
Have a wonderful thanksgiving. I will problay be helping it the kitchen for the next couple days.
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Old 11-20-2007, 07:47 PM
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Glad to hear your dad is in rehab... thanks and enjoy your thanksgiving! Happy cooking!

Hope everyone was a wonderful Thanksgiving! Remember attitude of gratitude!
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Old 11-21-2007, 04:26 AM
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hello all i hope that everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving!!

graci i know that when i was locked up(well still am) i went through ups and downs. it happens and sometimes you want to know all that is going on on the outside and sometimes you just want to not be bothered with it because you have to do/pass your time, and have no control over anything, there is very little outside of your own thoughts that you have cxontrol of while locked up. it can be hard and i believe for me the hardest part was all the waiting to see what would happen at my court date. it was weird the releif that i felt signing away 3 1/2 years, but a true releif that i had just gotten my time. i use to like nice letters about how people thought about me and encouragment, not always so much what they did day to day in little detail, because i didnt always want to know, but thats just me. i also was sent alot of stuff to read from off of here and that has made a big impact in my life.

sadness i am glad that your dad is in a program. they can help alot while you are locked up and in a safe place. it really helped me. about guys, its so hard to change ourselfs(when we know that we need to, much less when we dont) that there is no way we would let a girl change us. :-) if we were smart we would let them though, but i dont think we figured that out yet. LOL

babs, ray, dakota, and everyone else thanks for posting and have a grate turkey day. i plan on it, i get to visit home for the first time in a few years(for 12 hours)

sorry so long
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Old 11-23-2007, 10:10 PM
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Hey everyone. Hoped you all had wonderful thanksgivings. My was pretty good. I went shopping today and got some cute shoes. My dad called yesterday. So I got the 411.
1. Tuesday he is going toa prison that has a drug rehab
2. He will be there for 6 months
3.Then he gets out when that ends in may
4. Then we will be on house arrest for 4 months
5. He will be on probation for 1 and half years

Thats wat he has to look foward too. That sounds kinda sucky. By the way the whole time he was tellin me this I was cracking up laughing. When he told me about the house arrest I almost died laughing.

I found out the reason why I wasnt getting any phone calls or letters from him. Well we recently had family drama and the part of the family on the other side are the ones that give him money. Well they knew about half the money goes to gettin minutes for phone calls. And they knew that he only uses the minutes to talk to me and 1 of my sisters. So they didnt give him any money, so he couldnt buy stamps, papers, or envelopes or phone minutes.

He finally called me on collect. When he gets out im deffinately going to visit him. No matter what anyone says. If my grandparent dont let me, then he will take them to court. And by the time he gets out I will be 14. And where I live when your 14, if you want to see your biological parents and your legal guardians wont let you, then you can go to court and the child 14 or older can speak out and get visitation rights.
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Old 11-24-2007, 12:10 AM
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Well, I talked with my boyfriend a few days ago, he was supposed to send me the visitation form so that i could get approved to go visit him. I never got it, and I told him so, and he came clean and said he didnt send it because he doesnt want to see me until he finds out how much time he is going to get. If he gets a 5 year sentence he says that he will most likely break it off with me, that he thinks its unfair to ask me to wait that kind of time for him. Im devstated.. I know what some of u might say.. that its a blessing in disguise.. But truly, he would break my heart. He loves me he tells me so, so Im not sure I understand his thinking, th only thing I think is that he is afraid that I would bail out on him, or that I would cheat or it just wouldnt work out, but to be so afraid that seeing me would just make things harder on him when he doesnt even know anything right now??? I dont know, Im baffled..
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Old 11-24-2007, 07:10 AM
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Hi sadness, glad you heard from your father and you know whats going on with him. Rehab sounds good for him. Keep in mind rehab is not a cure, but it will give him the tools he's needs for recovery, if he's willing to work it when he gets out. NEW SHOES? That sounds really nice!

Graci, I think he's being realistic and doing an honorable thing by not asking you to wait. (He could be doing it for selfish reasons, but....) You don't have to put your life on hold for 5 years, just to have him get out and repeat the same behavior. Some people do change in prison, like Dakota and Lifechange here, but it's a 50/50 chance. I understand your love for him. I felt that way too.

Last edited by rayofsunshine; 11-24-2007 at 07:25 AM. Reason: to add something
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Old 11-24-2007, 07:22 AM
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Speaking of Visitation.....I have never had a great time at visitation. It's a little humiliating pulling in the Dept. of Corrections parking lot when you get there, then you have to give them your license and tell them what inmate you're there to see, then go through the metal detector. That part wasn't so bad, really compared to what they just started doing at the facility my AH is at... by the way HE didn't tell me, my MIL did. (He knew I wouldn't come anymore). They now search your car in the parking lot, too. I understand why they do this, cause some people are stupid enough to bring drugs to their inmates, but I'm not one of them, and this is too humiliating for me and my children, and I don't plan on visiting anymore.

A co-worker whom I've worked with for the last 19 years passed away last week. I was really sad about it. This was a good, good family man. Always laughing, always making others laugh. We were like one big family at work. At his funeral, the church was too small they had to turn people away. The service was uplifting, as a celebration of his life, not just the end. Anyway, AH called not long after I got back,
I told him where I'd been, etc. Anyway, he started in about the writing and how come I hadn't opened the mail and give his letters to the kids. I told him "I just haven't felt like it". He then starts cursing, and says F***it, lets just call this off and get this over with." So I hang up on him ... of course he keeps calling back. I take the phone off the hook so I don't have to hear it ring. (I mention this as it's like I'M not allowed feelings, just him.)

Little things like this tell me he is not truly working his recovery. He then calls back once or twice through the week, I finally answer on "Thanksgiving". And he talks like everything is just hunky dory. No mention of the last call, no apologies until I tell him about it. Then he starts crying, He's the only person in the prison who didn't get a Thanksgiving card". He then starts the "I just need you to help me". I tell him I've learned the only one I can help is myself. He says he's learned the same thing. (Yeah, it's not sounding that way, buddy!) I'm having major frustration here, I don't have high hopes for when he gets out.
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Old 11-24-2007, 09:05 AM
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i can say from my own experance that time spent in prison thinking and worring about the people on the outside is time wasted that you can be using on yourself, to get what you need to change your own life. it was to hard for me to deal with a relationship while locked up and it kept the focus off of me. i believe that things can be better for some people on both sides to take a break and if it is ment tot be they will come to there own in themselves and then find each other again.
RAY i am sure he was not the only one that didnt get a card, for some people in there dont have anyone, you know that that is just him trying to guilt you and he hasnt seen that you have grown beyond that. the worda that he speaks dont seem to match his actions, but i know for me when i couldnt really grasp something along my recovery path, i grew into an understanding by speaking and reading the same things over and over. i have learnd that it doesnt help me to over think things and quess at what the future holds for me and others around me, but to make what i have right here and right now the best i can and give it to my higher power and trust in Him that what is best for me will come to me as long as i do my part to stay in His light. i had a tgreat thanksgiving and i hope you all did as well and my prayers are with you and your loved ones. thanks for letting me share.
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Old 11-24-2007, 01:16 PM
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Hi all,

Sadness, you go, girl. Cute new shoes are a sure-fire antidote to the blues. My motto has always been, "If you can't change your life, change your hair....or buy new shoes....or both!" I am so glad you got a chance to talk to your Dad. When parents do dumb things, it doesn't mean they don't love their kids. One of my sons is still VERY angry at his father and doesn't want to have anything to do with him. I know he has a right to his feelings, but I can't help wishing for some healing for both of them.

Life Change, you sound so together. It is hard to read your sharing and not have high hopes for you and your future. How was your visit home? I'll bet the food was better than in the slammer! How long did you get to stay? Did someone have to sign you out? Was it hard to leave?

Ray, girlfriend, I don't know how you do it. I got so I HATED the phone drama. I hated hearing it ring, I hated answering it, and I hated how I felt when it was done. I hated how he tried to control me with that drama.....and never kid yourself, it is ALL about control. Right now, my XAH has stopped calling (I'm sure he's figuring that THAT will fix my wagon!) and I absolutely love it. Considering how much fault they find with us, they sure are hard to get rid of!

Hope you all have a restful weekend.

Mwah,
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Old 11-24-2007, 02:55 PM
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Sunshine, I have to say your husbands calls are sounding more and more like my husbands.
AH is in NC, working allegedly lving with his sister and he tells me he feels like he's in prison like time is standing still cause he cant have me. I tell him over and over he cant come home nothings changed, I need a man to provide for me...and he says Im living in the past. I tell him about 2 car accidents Ive been in the last month and he says "Im tired of sleeping alone....I need you, WTF."
I sadly think they dont change they are too in need of control and hate that they cant control the situation.
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Old 11-24-2007, 03:46 PM
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my visit was great. i was able to see some family and talk to others that i hadent talked to in a long while. the food was awesome, definatly better that the food in the slammer! lol i was out from 10am til 10pm, and could only go straight to my parrents and back with my mom driving. that was fine with me. it wasnt hard to go back, because i know that i am fortunate enough to have been given work release to start with and i just look at it as another step towards freedom that i get to take, and it is neat to not just get slammed with everything all at once.
Cinder you are right it is all about control and being the center of the universe. my addiction is selfish total selfishness, and being blinded as to what others truely need and just doing for me. now i did have to start my recovery for me, and do certain positive things for me, and know i am growing to truely care about myself, and it is manifested in my actions towards others and my growing respect for there feelings and wants and needs. this takes me time and is a constant thing for me and not just like a nice act here and there kinda thing. i just feel blessed for the change of heart and mind that working through the steps and growing closer to God that has been given to me. change and growth i believe is an option for everyone, but i have learnd that i cant control who takes the steps of doing it.
hope to post again soon.
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Old 11-25-2007, 10:45 PM
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I miss him during the holidays more than ever. And this is around the time he came back last year. Like just going to the movies or shopping or things like that make me miss him. Because you see the little girls with there dads and your like that could be me or that should be me. Not having my father in my life is the hardest thing ever. I miss him sooo much.
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Old 11-26-2007, 05:45 AM
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Yes, there is no doubt about it. Christmas is the season with the highest expectations and the biggest disappointments. The holidays make all the feelings surrounding addiction more intense....for us, for the addict, for our kids, for everyone.

At Christmas, my home group does a meeting about the ghosts of Christmas.....(I posted this on another thread, so forgive me if I repeat myself.)

The Ghost of Christmas Past is RESENTMENT
but there is also an Angel of Christmas Past and that is FORGIVENESS.

The Ghost of Christmas Present is SELF PITY
The Angel of Christmas Present is GRATITUDE

The Ghost of Christmas Future is ANXIETY
The Angel of Christmas Future is FAITH

Sometimes, especially at the holidays, it takes a conscious effort not to allow the ghosts to take over our thoughts. At Christmas, I surround myself with images of angels to help me remember that my happiness is largely due to the choices I make for myself. I can give in to the ghosts or I can firmly set myself on the side of the angels.

Find your angels, Sadness, keep them all around you.

Forgive your Dad for not being able to be the father you would like to have right now.

Count your blessings...make it a point to find ten new things each day to be grateful for.

Have faith that things happen for a reason, and everything you (and your Dad) are going through will make you stronger, happier people in the future. Especially at Christmas, it is important to BELIEVE !!

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Old 11-26-2007, 07:27 PM
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Thanks for posting that Babs. The ghosts are showing up in my thoughts way
too much now...... RESENTMENT, SELF-PITY, AND ANXIETY. I will have to make
a conscience effort to change this.
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Old 11-26-2007, 08:39 PM
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My sponsor once pointed out that when I was feeling resentment or anxiety, I was not living in the moment.

Resentment showed I was living in the past, and anxiety showed I was living in the future. Both of which were ruining the present.....thus the self-pity! Truly a vicious cycle.

I gotta ask you, Ray, if you are so apprehensive about AH coming home, why are you allowing it? I know it is none of my business, but back when Dakota used to ask me the hard questions, it always made me dig deep. If I could explain it to Dakota, I could understand it myself. What is in this for YOU, Ray? What are YOU getting out of this deal?

You have hurt for SO long, and all you are anticipating is more hurt. I just want to take you in my lap and rock that hurt away.

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Old 11-30-2007, 08:58 PM
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Happysoul, I'm glad you're lurking. I like reading your posts. You always have something positive to say.
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Old 12-03-2007, 06:57 AM
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You know, i just wonder if i'll ever have a normal life. If there will ever be some guy whose willing to take a chance with a single mom, two kids and a very jealous x. Addiction is a scary thing.
Happysoul! I wonder the same thing too. What do you say to people? My ex is a nice guy. Well he's a dead beat dad. Doesn't pay an ounce of child support. He's been in prison for dealing crack. He's wanted by the police now. He's not violent unless he's been smoking crack. Or drinking Tequila. He smokes crack everyday unless he's sleeping off his last binge...



I don't think I'd want to get involved with me. And that laundry list doesn't even touch on my skeletons in the closet.
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Old 12-04-2007, 04:27 AM
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Whoa! Hold on girl, cut yourself some slack! You are NOT your X. You are also NOT the same woman you were when you got involved with your X. And, your X is NOT your resume.

We have all learned so many valuable lessons from having lived with addiction. Number one, I think, is to treasure the little things, the "normal" things in life. And that is a good thing.

We have learned that love can be given but trust and respect must be earned. That is a good thing.

We have learned that when trust is broken, it takes a really, really long time to fix. That is a good thing.

We have learned to be kind to others and to ourselves. That is a good thing.

We have learned to treasure our friends and be a friend who can be treasured. That is a good thing.

We have learned that we are responsible for our own happiness...and not blame others if we are miserable. That is a good thing.

We have learned to mind our own business and keep our side of the street clean. That is a good thing.

We have learned that another person can not complete us, that neediness is not love, and that giving love unconditionally is the greatest gift. That is a good thing.

We have learned that there is nothing that can't be made better by changing our attitude. That is a good thing.

We have learned to count our blessings on a daily basis and to embrace to the present moment. That is a very good thing.

We have learned to do so much with so little for so long that we have become amazingly resourceful. That is a good thing.

All in all, our pasts have made us sadder, but most assuredly wiser.

When you put out that kind of energy into the universe, don't be surprised when people are drawn to you.

You are better than you have ever been, and you are getting better all the time!

Mwah!
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Old 12-06-2007, 01:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Babs View Post
All in all, our pasts have made us sadder, but most assuredly wiser.
I'm definitely wiser. I was naive about drugs for sooooo long with my AH.
I had a long education there... 19 years now.

I work a PT job one or two days a month on the road. Today, this new guy
in training went with us. Well, he's a known pot and crack head.
I believe everyone deserves a second chance. But just listening to him
tell his $$ problems, how he got a DUI and had his license revoked, and how
much $$ the state took from him. He told me about getting arrested for something he done when drunk. He was using the excuse he was drunk as making it OK. Not that he was sorry and did something stupid while drunk.
I could go on & on with the stories he told. It was honestly making me sick to my stomach and I wanted to gag because I could see plainly addict behavior. I was so glad to get back to the office. I've requested to NEVER
work with him again. I don't think he'll be there long anyway.
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Old 12-06-2007, 01:30 PM
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HUgs everyone. Ray are you sure you werent working with my husband...haha. That sounds like his story.

As a matter of fact he recently got a driving on revoked ticket and has court next month in NC. He says he'll probably get a fine, hmmm he hasnt paid the 2 in Florida for that yet and NC put him in prison before for probation violation of driving with no license after a DUI.

My AHs HP is about to catch up with him, or maybe give him one last chance. Either way he finally called the place about finally taking his substance evaluation
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