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My hubby, my sweetheart, my BFF... he cheated...

Old 01-12-2011, 06:34 PM
  # 101 (permalink)  
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To each his own but I personally have enough on my plate that I need people in my life who I can trust, and none that I can't. I don't have the time or energy to waste checking up on people. There is not a soul on earth who is worth me having to do that much checking up on. Got better things to do with my life than worry whether some cheating alcoholic addict is on the up and up. Been there, done that, didn't like it. Next!
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Old 01-12-2011, 07:57 PM
  # 102 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p View Post
I think I interpret "once a cheater, always a cheater" differently from you. What this means to me is once someone cheats in a particular relationship, the precedent is set and the floodgates have been opened. In my opinion, that particular relationship is doomed. They did it once, and successfully if the betrayee stays in the relationship, so what is to stop them from doing it again?
My best friend (girl) had an affair a few years into her marriage, she was fairly young, had her reasons and made a mistake. They separated for a while, sorted things out and I know have been very happily married ever since. Married for 21 years and alcohol is NOT a factor.

My own AH had an email affair a few years ago, he stopped it dead as soon as I found out and with the recommendation of the marriage councilor, opened up (and was happy to) all his internet communication to me, to rebuild the trust.

In the early days I would check his emails now and again but as the trust built this would happen less and less.

However due to his alcoholism, he becomes very untrustworthy at times as he has lost all abilities to be reasonable and respectful to the marriage. Just checking the computer history recently, I have found he had been visiting porn sites and I have also caught him hiding smoking from me.

My alcoholic hides empty bottles around the place, hides his cigarettes from me and basically lives a paranoid, secret life. Any trust I have had for him has slowly dwindled and although with the help of Al anon and this site, I stopped checking on his beer supply (detaching), I am now back checking on his internet behavior.

I currently feel like a psycho, and I know this is no good for me, my marriage feels screwy, so I am once again, mentally preparing for the inevitable of going it alone.

I believe that cheating and alcoholism are two separate things and couples can overcome an affair if they both work hard at it and are able to move on. However a marriage in active alcoholism, its almost impossible.
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Old 01-13-2011, 06:12 AM
  # 103 (permalink)  
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Rayn: cheating

Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p View Post
Hi, skipper, and love ya too.

I think I interpret "once a cheater, always a cheater" differently from you. What this means to me is once someone cheats in a particular relationship, the precedent is set and the floodgates have been opened. In my opinion, that particular relationship is doomed. They did it once, and successfully if the betrayee stays in the relationship, so what is to stop them from doing it again?

This is not to say that this same person will cheat on every single person to which they commit themselves. For example, my ex cheated on me the first time, and then preceded to do it many times afterward. This, however, does not necessarily mean he is also now cheating on his wife (yes, he married one of the girls he cheated on me with--ugh). Your own story also seems to corroborate my theory (yes, it is only a theory, not a fact) because you say you were "always a cheater" until one particular relationship.

I hope this makes sense. I think I need to stop posting on this thread. It triggers me too intensely and dredges up a past I'd rather forget.
I think you may have something here. I know when I cheated before, there were no limits. I had defined my previous relationships that way.

I took it from the lady at Al-anon last week that she had cheated in her current relationship before but had put those old ways away. I don't know for sure if that's what she meant, but that's what I got from it.

I know this is hard to talk about for the cheatee. I was cheated on before, too. It hurts. I just remember that when someone else cheated on me, it was NOT about me. It was all about them making terrible decisions to put themselves, me, and our relationship at risk.

Remember, when it happened to you, it was NOT about anything you did or were but everything about that person making terrible decisions. You have chosen not to be a part of that world, and I think that is GOOD for you!!
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Old 01-13-2011, 09:44 AM
  # 104 (permalink)  
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When my exbf developed emotional ties to others outside of our relationship, he did that just about every time he relapsed. Not saying that I am putting the blame on his drug use, because I firmly believe these are two separate issues altogether but at the same time go hand n hand with low self esteem which his addiction just keeps chipping away at. My ex never saw it as cheating, these emotional affairs he would develop when he would relapse.

Now I’m just saying, what I witnessed for me, myself and I is that his morals would change, his judgments would change, his impulse controls were gone and the woman he was drawn to the most would appear to be cheerleaders for his addiction. They were either using drugs themselves or didn’t care or realize the extent of his use or condition of his mind, body and soul under the influence. All of the woman themselves were un-healthy with their own issues that were not being addressed either. Am I being judgmental, yes but facts are facts and are hard to dismiss.

As the cheetee I do realize NOW that we do TEACH people how to treat us. WE TEACH people what they can and can’t get away with, with us. I taught him that it’s acceptable to do those things under the influence and as long as he showed me he was working towards recovery I always forgave him.

I ended the relationship a couple of months ago, and I went NO CONTACT 28 days ago.

What I am teaching him(or not) but most importantly MYSELF is that UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!
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Old 01-13-2011, 09:48 AM
  # 105 (permalink)  
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hi everyone,
thanks for posting, it really helps me think about this whole situation. So, like I said before, I decided to stay with my husband. He's accountable for every minute of his time, and I do believe he truly regrets, he says this is not the person he is or wants to be, a cheater. I understand you all think I'm naive and he's manipulating me, but like I said, I married him for better and for worse, and I will give him another chance. Another factor here is that he's always been very religious and he wants to reconnect with God, and He is the only power that can help him with his addiction. Because yes, I strongly believe that if it hadn't been for the alcohol and other drugs, he would not have cheated.
A few things about that whole affair bother me, but I decided to stop torturing myself with those thoughts and just try to move past it and concentrate on myself and my marriage and my daughter.
You know, I thought I had had a perfect marriage, but maybe I didn't. I admit, before he cheated I hadn't had sex with him for, I think, 2 months or so. I'm always tired from working full time and taking care of the house afterwards. On top of that, I wasn't supportive of him going to AA meetings.
Don't take me wrong, I am absolutely not blaming myself, just saying... we need to work on our marriage
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Old 01-13-2011, 10:39 AM
  # 106 (permalink)  
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clw, if you choose to work on your marriage that is absolutely your right to do so and I wish you nothing but the best.

I do hope you know that the fact that you hadn't had sex with each other for 2 months had nothing to do with this. He could have taken things into hand..in the pun way, and better yet, in others, by talking with you, helping you with the housekeeping so you would be less tired, arranging times of rest and romance etc, finding a babysitter...many, many things.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

Having a young one is very exhausting for a mother and a working mother even moreso.
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Old 01-13-2011, 10:50 AM
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Thanks Live, like I said, I am not blaming myself for this, just saying, that I need to fix things on my end too. And I know he's been 'taking the matters into his own hands' lol and watched a lot of porn and we had a discussion last night about how that could have been part of the problem, when all drunk and coked up with inhibitions practically inexistent he went with the flow... The girl started going down on him, something I wouldn't have done if he was drunk. Yuck!
You know, in one of their angry chats after the fact, when he told her to stay out of our lives she said 'enjoy your unhappy marriage'. That hurt me. I know she knows nothing about marriage and I shouldn't care, but it hurts thinking that she thinks we're both miserable. I'm working to get over it now.

Since I found out, he has changed a lot, he now helps around the house and with the baby (he's the cutest father ever, he has so much patience for our 'terrible 2', also, she's a spitting image of him). He jumps up whenever I need something and has been treating me really well. I do think there's hope and he genuinely regrets it. It doesn't mean I trust him completely, but maybe some day I will be able to.
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Old 01-13-2011, 11:07 AM
  # 108 (permalink)  
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I personally have enough on my plate that I need people in my life who I can trust, and none that I can't. I don't have the time or energy to waste checking up on people. There is not a soul on earth who is worth me having to do that much checking up on.
I do agree whole-heartedly, L2L. However -- the "complete honesty" is something friends of mine have used successfully when their partner has cheated and they're committed to doing what they can to save the relationship. One of my friends said she never did "check" on her DH after the first month, but just knowing that there were no secrets between them helped her rebuild trust again.

Of course, it's up to each person/couple how you handle things like that. I know exactly how easy it is to get a second (or third, or fourth) web-based e-mail account or a pay-as-you-go phone if you really want to continue cheating, so that stuff wouldn't work for me either.
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Old 01-13-2011, 12:59 PM
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Originally Posted by cutelittlewife View Post
Since I found out, he has changed a lot, he now helps around the house and with the baby (he's the cutest father ever, he has so much patience for our 'terrible 2', also, she's a spitting image of him). He jumps up whenever I need something and has been treating me really well. I do think there's hope and he genuinely regrets it. It doesn't mean I trust him completely, but maybe some day I will be able to.
Not trying to be negative here, but I need to share my thoughts.

The honeymoon phase, it's great isn't it, makes YOU feel needed, wanted, loved and cared about. His attentiveness helps you forget about the reality of what he did. Gives you both hope for a perfect future together.

Does he know what triggered his last relapse? What is he doing today that is different for his recovery then he was doing when he relapsed?

I do hope you work it out, I do hope he find and stays in recovery. I hope you find your way to your own STRONG/SOLID recovery and that neither of you ever have to go down a path like that again.
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Old 01-13-2011, 01:08 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Not trying to be negative here, but I need to share my thoughts.

The honeymoon phase, it's great isn't it, makes YOU feel needed, wanted, loved and cared about. His attentiveness helps you forget about the reality of what he did. Gives you both hope for a perfect future together.

Does he know what triggered his last relapse? What is he doing today that is different for his recovery then he was doing when he relapsed?

I do hope you work it out, I do hope he find and stays in recovery. I hope you find your way to your own STRONG/SOLID recovery and that neither of you ever have to go down a path like that again.
like I mentioned before, his lat relapse was triggered by a whole bunch of factors. His sponsor relapsed, I asked him to stop going to meetings so often and spend more time with my baby and I. He hated his job and was getting frustrated with it, he got a demotion and I didn't let him quit because we have a mortgage. The one night stand happened after he went out with his coworkers (the OW was one of them) to a bar to celebrate him getting a new job, one he's always wanted. People wanted to buy him drinks, you can imagine... the OW offered to give him a ride home, because he was too drunk to drive.
So I think most of those factors are gone now. He's back going to meetings and this time I don't complain about it, he's getting a new sponsor with more sobriety time than his previous one. He has his dream job and is feeling appreciated and he's loving it. I'm really hopeful this time. Also, we're planning a sibling for our little girl at the end of this year, if, of course, things are a lot better.
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Old 01-13-2011, 02:12 PM
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I guess the point is, and not that his recovery program or work is anything you should be in any way involved in, what happens when the next perfect storm brews up? I'd like to ask HIM what HE'S doing for his recovery, so that when and if life brings him to his knees, once again, how will he behave? So his excuses (that's all they are) are that his sponsor relapsed, you're being naggy, he was demoted. Ok.. what's the plan when all that happens again? Oh, wait.. he also had to celebrate his new job. An excuse to not only get drunk, but stick his ding ding into someone he's not married to. Yeah, ok!!

I am an addict and an alcoholic in recovery. I have been clean and sober for about 2 and a half years. I am an infant in my recovery process, I work very very hard every single day to be the best, most honest and humble person I can be. My wise ol' counselor used some of the above words with me, when I got cocky in new sobriety and remorseful about using again (the woe is me ********).. that I need to learn, and practice, what exactly I would do, if the most outrageously horrible thing in my life, happened today. When life truly brings you to your knees, and the desperation and hoplessness you feel clouds your mind.. will you use again. That's where recovery is handy.

But again, his recovery journey is a very private and intimate process. I suppose if you're still sharing this thread to him, he can ponder what I wrote.
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Old 01-13-2011, 03:14 PM
  # 112 (permalink)  
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It's another day and while I'm happy to see you still posting, CLW, I still see you taking responsibility, justifying and covering for his mistakes.

There are some heavy hitters coming in here, sharing their pains and triumphs. I'm thankful they're sharing this with you and I'm here for the lessons as well.

I'm also hopeful that you'll start hearing what they're saying.

What has happened to you is not normal and it's not right. I feel like you're deeply seduced and accepting abnormal behaviors because you don't know otherwise. It's a long road to recovery and you're here for support just like me.

I may have been the meanest poster in your thread and I never meant it that way. I'm just super honest and not everyone can handle it. Take what you want, leave the rest but I really can't wait to see you start working on you and stop talking about him.
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Old 01-13-2011, 03:32 PM
  # 113 (permalink)  
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I was married to a cheater for 8 years - 8 YEARS - he ALWAYS said he would change, always swore he would never do it again - again and again I took him back...now we are split, I met a great, faithful man - my ex has a GF in Sweden and a GF in San Francisco (and who knows how many else). I only know because he doesn't seem to realize his kids are old enough now to know what's going on. He will have the kids stay at a girlfriend's house, the kids then tell me. He never changed and sorry, I have very little hope a cheater will change. I never had a drinking problem until I first found out my ex-husband cheated on me when we were engaged. I say leave and quit making excuses for him.
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Old 01-14-2011, 06:06 AM
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smacked - I am NOT making excuses for him. I was asked what triggered/lead to his last relapse and if those factors are gone. I was just giving, what I thought was an appropriate response. If you ask me what directly caused his relapse, I'd say 'his desire to drink' and I bet he'd say the same thing. Also, the only time I let my husband read this thread was back when he posted. He's really not that into internet forums.

Liv2011 - I will not leave him now. I cannot divorce my husband because of one horrible mistake he made. That's not what marriage is about. Like I said before, I would like him to give me a second chance if I effed up. I will absolutely have no problem leaving him if he doesn't again though. It's your decisions, but I would not take a cheater back 'again and again' and I really don't understand people who do...

I forgot to tell you guys, I really enjoyed speaking to my counselor on Tuesday, she helped me get some distance and she also said the 'once a cheater always a cheater' is not true and that it's on a person to person basis, especially when it's not an EA but a drunken ONS. I know this post might cause a whole tidal wave of comments about how naive I am (believe me, I am not. I'm one of the coldest, down to earth, untrusting people you'd ever meet) and how he's manipulating and lying.

Shellcrucher - how am I taking responsibility? Covering for his mistakes?

And all the 'mean' posts - I know you guys only know me from this thread and don't know me in real life, therefore I am prepared to read comments that are absolutely not true. That's how it works, and you have no way of knowing you're getting a wrong idea of me, and that's ok. As long as a chunk of things and suggestions you have for me are relevant, I'll keep posting
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Old 01-14-2011, 06:50 AM
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hi cute little wife-

i'm glad you are seeing a counselor. that's good news.

i am a bit aghast, although not surprised, that we can now add pornography to the list of unhealthy habits of your husband. so now, the list reads alcohol, cocaine, lying, cheating and pornography.

not a great list, clw, however, it is a list you are willing to accept.

i am not judging you as i'll share my xABFs list of alcohol, women and physical abuse. and yes, i took him back a few times, as he was always so repentant and i loved him.

i believed my love was enough to overcome these things. it wasn't and in the process, i dragged myself down with him. i have since learned via the 12 steps that i am powerless over alcohol.

many of us have stayed way too long. i guess that is what we are tyring to spare you by sharing our experiences.

it was helpful for me to work with my therapist to understand what my boundaries were. in doing so, i realized that any boundary i had set, was quickly overpowered by xABF. lateeda said to me "you don't appear able to enforce your boundaries" when i first arrived here and it hurt, but it was true. my job became to try to define what i would live with and what i wouldn't, and that is a personal decision for each of us to make. my boundaries might not be yours.

i agree with the advice to get the focus off of him and onto you. as you do so, things will become clearer to you. for myself, i would not live with pornography, as i feel it degrades women and also, sets unnatural standards for sex, that a real woman wouldn't do, yet the man expects these things because he sees it (and the women acting that they enjoy it) in the blue movies.
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Old 01-14-2011, 07:11 AM
  # 116 (permalink)  
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hey naive,
Yeah, I know it's not a good list for a 'family man' or any man, really. I don't want to defend him, but the reason why it's a little easier for me to accept this is that all of these things (other than porn) branched out from the alcohol. And he's working on his drinking issue. He never used coke regularly, he did it about 4 times during that one 'worst month in our lives'. Once again, I'm not making excuses. It was bad and he shouldn't have done that.
I won't have a problem enforcing my boundaries, which are him cheating on me again. I will leave him if it happens, no questions asked.
It is a little hard for us to work through this because we have someone living with us, his cousin, and she's going to be living in our spare bedroom for at least another year. It sucks, I wish we could be alone and deal with it, I wish one of us could move into that bedroom, but we can't. We can't even act 'weird' because I know she's got a big mouth and will pass the info on to the rest of the family. The other day we were fighting and I bet everyone already knows. Ugggghhhhh.
I know you will say I care too much about what people think, I probably too. Not too much maybe, but I do. I know one of the biggest issues of leaving him would be 'how do I break it to my parents, they think we are so happy together'. And it's not that we've been trying to make appearances, we actually have been super happy and in love ever since we got married.
Life is tough.
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Old 01-14-2011, 07:35 AM
  # 117 (permalink)  
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None of your business

Originally Posted by cutelittlewife View Post
hey naive,
Yeah, I know it's not a good list for a 'family man' or any man, really. I don't want to defend him, but the reason why it's a little easier for me to accept this is that all of these things (other than porn) branched out from the alcohol. And he's working on his drinking issue. He never used coke regularly, he did it about 4 times during that one 'worst month in our lives'. Once again, I'm not making excuses. It was bad and he shouldn't have done that.
I won't have a problem enforcing my boundaries, which are him cheating on me again. I will leave him if it happens, no questions asked.
It is a little hard for us to work through this because we have someone living with us, his cousin, and she's going to be living in our spare bedroom for at least another year. It sucks, I wish we could be alone and deal with it, I wish one of us could move into that bedroom, but we can't. We can't even act 'weird' because I know she's got a big mouth and will pass the info on to the rest of the family. The other day we were fighting and I bet everyone already knows. Ugggghhhhh.
I know you will say I care too much about what people think, I probably too. Not too much maybe, but I do. I know one of the biggest issues of leaving him would be 'how do I break it to my parents, they think we are so happy together'. And it's not that we've been trying to make appearances, we actually have been super happy and in love ever since we got married.
Life is tough.
One of the best things I have picked up by reading and posting on SR was a quote from someone here "It's none of your business what other people think about you".

I had to think and reflect on that one for awhile. But now, it's one of the most empowering things I've learned! I was having a problem with what other family members must think after RABF was smashing my name and reputation.

Now I don't bother with those thoughts so much anymore. My actions are true and sincere. I know it, my HP knows it, so what else is there? Well, my child sees it, and that's important.

Anyway, I'm also hoping to see more of what's going on with YOU. How you can step away from your RAH's problems a little bit and not make them so much your problem. If you could get yourself to a place where you're not saying, "He does X, so I am happy. He does XY and I am unhappy."

I think counseling is a great first step. I also believe you will gain a lot of insight from regular Al-anon meetings and some recommended reading.

Peace!
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Old 01-14-2011, 07:45 AM
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Isn't BFF Best Female Friend?

If the drinking continues you'll quite likely need to deal with more of this. Whatever he's promised or how guilty he feels will not get in the way whenever he's loaded and gets a chance. Drunk moral standards are legendary for their flexibility.

If he stays sober and lives by principles that require it, he could be faithful to you the rest of his life. Pretty much hinges on what he does to make that possible. You may want to encourage his heavy participation in AA from the viewpoint of self-interest.
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Old 01-14-2011, 07:55 AM
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cabledude - BFF is best friend forever And he remains to be mine. And yes, now I'm definitely encouraging him going to meetings. I realized the other day when he asked 'Would it be ok if I go to a meeting tonight?' - he asked in a way he was expecting me to be mad... like I used to get when he 'abandoned me to go hang out with his alcoholic buddies'. Now it's different, I am all for it.
And thank you for the words of hope and encouragement. This is the second time in those 5 pages that someone says he could be faithful to me for the rest of my life. Thanks.
skippernlilg - thank you as well. I know if at any point in my life I do make the decision to leave him I will have to deal with a lot of crap like selling the house, etc. and people's attention will certainly not help. I also know that there will be many who will support me and that I would be able to count on, including his family members (I know this for a fact, I have spoken to my mother on law before and she said she'd support me whatever I decide). I also know that the attention and shame that I will feel will only be temporary and then I'd have a brand new life and I wouldn't be alone forever.
I never thought of myself even imagining these things, but now that I at least have to consider them, they're less scary.
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Old 01-14-2011, 08:02 AM
  # 120 (permalink)  
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Location: Arkansas
Posts: 157
I am speaking for myself only here - take it or leave it. In my life, and in the issues and problems that I have faced, the one thing I've always held onto is HOPE. I may not expect something to change or happen in the way or timeline I want it to, and I may have to work hard to divorce myself from "dealing" with it every day - but I have to hang onto a little bit of HOPE in my life. And I think i always will.
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