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My hubby, my sweetheart, my BFF... he cheated...

Old 01-11-2011, 01:48 PM
  # 81 (permalink)  
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CLW, I just want to offer a welcome and send positive thoughts your way.

Boy, we learn a lot really fast sometimes, don't we? Sounds like you have. I "forced" my exabf to go to AA, didn't work. He went, but he started sneaking the drinking. Best thing to happen to me was to learn that no matter what I did, no matter how supportive, or how loving I was, he would make the decision to drink or not all on his own.

I hope that you will read "Codependent No More", it has been helpful to me and many others. I don't relate to everything in the book, but I find a great deal of it thought provoking and life altering. I have also done a great deal of reading the AA Big Book so that I could understand the disease of alcoholism, and that has helped me too.

Please take care of yourself, give yourself time to heal and renew, I pray that your husband will take care of himself as well, and work hard to recover from this terrible disease. And the future is just that...in the future. None of us knows what it will bring. Just do the best you can one day at a time.

My best to you and your family.
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Old 01-11-2011, 05:49 PM
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Oh boy.

I stand by my statement. He is upset because he got caught.

How do I know this?

Because in my marriage I was the one that strayed (not proud and learned from it) but part of it was the thrill of it. Not even about the sex.

He is sorry his fun was ruined and the cost of his fun is losing you then, ok. He will stop. He is also very embarassed and ashamed.

But you both should consider counseling because it is a sign of bigger issues when a person cheats (and I say this as the cheater remember?). Low self esteem, craving excitement, attention, etc. Add drinking or drugs and it is Trouble.

Don't defend him. Let him show you he is sorry and will not do it again. He may not, but this stuff about the 'other woman being evil and seductive' is the oldest explanation in the book.

One drunken bar mistake is different than a ms. facebook, we texted mistake. It requires more energy thus more planning. That came from somewhere and not the bottle.

Eyes WIDE open.
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Old 01-11-2011, 06:14 PM
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I am sorry, hugs, and tissues.....
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Old 01-11-2011, 06:28 PM
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I am going to sound harsh. You not only have yourself to worry about, but a child too. I say to you to set some cash aside. Take any important documents you have in the house (birth certificates, photos, that stuff) along with anything that is small, sentimental and can be stolen like rings and put all that stuff in a safety deposit box.

Your man is out of control and while I don't see anything wrong with working things out with him, you really should protect yourself and your child by having an exit plan in the event of an emergency. What would happen if he got drunk and brought some **** home and that **** stole your things? What if he really needed money, would he steal? He didn't think he would cheat. Would he get drunk and leave the house unlocked and open for people to rob you blind? I know you are really hurt right now as is your right to be. Take some practical steps to protect yourself. Oh and if you have sex with him in the months to come make sure he wears protection and that you are taking the pill. Hold strong sister!
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Old 01-11-2011, 06:37 PM
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Old 01-11-2011, 08:51 PM
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but I certainly found the honest answer I needed. A reality check.
yep, me too. my ex had not been a problem for years (i thought <snicker>)
turns out i had a few issues to look at.
but with a reality check, like rayne said, i can see for miles.

Beth
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Old 01-11-2011, 09:17 PM
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I spent quite alot of time today looking at the site transformie recommended. It is a great one!
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Old 01-12-2011, 03:14 AM
  # 88 (permalink)  
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ok. im the horrible husband reviewing theses post with my clw. im doing this to try to make this thing work as i will do anything for my wife. i know what i did was wrong and i have to live with the pain i caused. i now will be alone for eternity as i rot in hell for what i did. no one on this post knows what our marriage is about and only we can resolve this crisis. i will continue to get help for my problem and hope to God tnat one day my wife will be able to forgive me. i am not deserving of her love and am very greatful to have her. again i will do anything for her... i am trying to understand if i am constitutionally able to be honest with myself. i thought that i was but seem to always **** up.
hello mr. clw-

as i was reading this thread, i could feel the sincerity and also, naivity of clw. then you, mr. clw came in and the whole vibration dropped to what felt quite self-depreciating.

i've got a few things to say regarding what mr. clw has expressed in his share here. i see no signs of healthy recovery in your words, mr. clw. it would appear that you have taken responsibilty, but i feel you haven't. you merely got busted. much of your words are pointing back at how awful, horrible and underserving you are. this is a self preservation tactic.

are you always so self-focused, mr clw?

you're scrambling now to save your...i was going to say family but no, you're scrambling to save YOURSELF. i call this CYA ...cover your a$$...

since you are questioning whether you can be honest with yourself, i say based on what has transpired, i would say no. you have yet to be honest with both yourself and your wife. if you were honest and truly in recovery, when you sobered up, you would have been honest with your wife. this you did not do.

if you want to do the next right thing, then i would encourage you to stop talking about honesty and get real. what is required is that you tell her the other things you have done behind her back so that she has all the information she requires to make the right decision for herself and your child. and don't tell me there aren't other things because an alcoholic, cocaine using, cheater doesn't just do one thing and hide it, do they?

you and i both know i am speaking the truth. your wife might not but she doesn't yet know the score.

you want to do the right thing? you'll do anything for her? then face your demons and tell her everything then. she deserves to know.

otherwise, you will never be free and she will suffer more.
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Old 01-12-2011, 03:19 AM
  # 89 (permalink)  
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clw-

regarding mr. clw's std test, i would recommend that you ask mr. clw to give his doctor permission to share the results with you. i wouldn't take mr. clw's word for what the results are.

and regarding you taking an std test, you have a child with him, so you certainly have had unprotected sex in your past. therefore, it would be prudent for you to have a test also.

you are assuming that this affair is a one-off thing. perhaps it is. perhaps it isn't. he's already lied to you, so you would be wise to err on the side of caution.

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Old 01-12-2011, 06:52 AM
  # 90 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by naive View Post
clw-
and regarding you taking an std test, you have a child with him, so you certainly have had unprotected sex in your past. therefore, it would be prudent for you to have a test also.

you are assuming that this affair is a one-off thing. perhaps it is. perhaps it isn't. he's already lied to you, so you would be wise to err on the side of caution.
I didn't want to mention this, but here it is.
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Old 01-12-2011, 07:21 AM
  # 91 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cutelittlewife View Post
As for me, I went to an Al-Anon meeting but there are things I will not agree with. I can't stop thinking about him when he's out, I can't leave him , I vowed in front of God to be with him for better or worse. Also, at the meeting I went to, I was cornered by 4 women and spoken to for over an hour after the meeting. A LOT to take when you're devastated and crying...
Also, I am seeing a counselor tomorrow to help with grieving.

I came to this forum looking for support and understanding, reassurance that I'm not a weak sucker who can't dump his sorry alcoholic cheating ass but keeps trying to forgive...
((((HUGS)))). I, too, stumbled and faltered a few times before I found an Al-anon meeting that fit for me. Mine would NEVER tell me to leave my AB, and in fact, most of the people in mine are living with active alcoholics. What I learn in my group is to take what I like and to leave the rest.

Please don't give up on finding a group that works. It's been a blessing in my life more than words could say. I hope you can find the blessings you deserve.
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Old 01-12-2011, 07:37 AM
  # 92 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cutelittlewife View Post
ok. im the horrible husband reviewing theses post with my clw. im doing this to try to make this thing work as i will do anything for my wife. i know what i did was wrong and i have to live with the pain i caused. i now will be alone for eternity as i rot in hell for what i did. no one on this post knows what our marriage is about and only we can resolve this crisis. i will continue to get help for my problem and hope to God tnat one day my wife will be able to forgive me. i am not deserving of her love and am very greatful to have her. again i will do anything for her... i am trying to understand if i am constitutionally able to be honest with myself. i thought that i was but seem to always **** up.
Mr. CLW,

I encourage you to get your own user name and find some forums that work for you. In working your steps, you'll find that you're not 'the horrible husband' but that your behavior has been unacceptable.

You get to ask your HP for forgiveness and work through your contrition as you continue to grow through your steps.

This will be your path and your focus.

Let CLW work on hers.

Your paths could likely meet at the same place, but it may take some time.

One day at a time.

Sincerely,

Skipper (ACOA, Recovering Al-anon, trying to be supportive with distance)
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Old 01-12-2011, 07:45 AM
  # 93 (permalink)  
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Always a cheat?

Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p View Post
I am absolutely, 100% NOT objective on this topic, nor do I feel I need to be, so I preface this by saying take what you want and leave the rest.

I absolutely loathe cheaters. I was cheated on by a lying, low-down, passive-aggressive scumbag. First, he said they only kissed. Then, he said it was only one time. Then, I found out it was for months. When I gave him a second chance, he did it again. Then, I found out they weren't the only ones. There were many throughout our entire relationship.

In my experience, the type of cheaters that have a random, one-night fling and then completely atone for their actions are fictional characters that can only be found in movies and on TV. The saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" exists for a reason. Cheaters cannot be trusted. They lie to cover their tracks. And when the truth comes out, it is easy to act remorseful after the fact. Too easy.

How do you know he has never done it before? You don't. How will you know he will never do it again? You won't.

I know this is a fairly inflammatory post, but trust that I took great pains to censor myself.


I love ya Rayn, and I know you are talking about your own experience, but I'd also like to add mine.

As a recovering Al-anon, ACOA, I looked back through the years and found out I was always a cheater! Until this current relationship. For the past 10 years, there has been only one man in my life.

I'm not a cheater any more. That's just just not me.

I went to an Al-anon meeting last week and a lady said that she had considered one solution to her live-in alcoholic situation was to cheat. She could find that physical/emotional release, she thought, as she had before, in cheating. Then she reconsidered. I had to smile. I had thought about it too.

I think this situation, after having read these posts, just screams that Mr. ALW was just looking for permission to indulge in his DOC. He found someone who would get high with him. So, he manipulated that person with sex for his high, basically. I do believe his cheating was a direct effect of his addiction.

I know my AB will hang out with anyone who says his drinking is ok. I have to be prepared for the possibility of this same thing happening to our relationship.
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Old 01-12-2011, 07:58 AM
  # 94 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cutelittlewife View Post
L2L I see your point, if I had been here about 3 weeks ago I would have probably written the same thing to someone. But the truth is, we can't assume that everything he says is a lie. I'm having a hard time trusting him now, but I can't put down everything he says, the Reconciliation would be impossible then. I saw him cry, I see how the thought of what he did makes him hate himself and his addiction. And I don't think he's putting on a show for me, I keep an eye on him even when he doesn't know I am. And really, the girl it happened with is a **** and he knows it, I am absolutely sure there were no feelings involved.
Once again, he can't drink and/or do drugs and that's it. As long as he stays sober he will never cheat on me and I am positive about this. There is a saying that 'If something happened once, it might never happen again, but if something happened twice it will definitely happen the third time'. I have noticed throughout my life for this to be true and believe me, I will have no problem dumping him if he cheats again. We're all human, we make mistakes. As long as he learns from this one, I will stick around and keep loving him.
Again, ((((HUGS)))). I can say with utmost confidence that most of us have seen our A cry. I believe they do feel bad about their actions. (Reading the Big Book is really opening my eyes..get one if you can)

I can also say with utmost confidence that most of us have seen our sober A's act horribly. Some have even cheated, again.

Thing is, what you can say with confidence is what YOU can do. What you can tolerate. What you can live with.

I feel that until your AH (and my AB for that matter) is wholeheartedly working his steps, his program, and finds his connection to his HP to be indestructible, then your relationship (and mine) has a chance.

Please focus on you.

Right now, in Al-anon, I've been living by the 'don'ts' that are posted on our meeting wall. One big Don't that I have to really concentrate on is "Don't monitor your alcoholic".

I'm observing, sure, since actions do speak louder than words. But I'm not measuring, monitoring, checking up, searching, detecting, or any of those things. It's such a beautiful freedom!
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Old 01-12-2011, 10:51 AM
  # 95 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by skippernlilg View Post
I love ya Rayn, and I know you are talking about your own experience, but I'd also like to add mine.

As a recovering Al-anon, ACOA, I looked back through the years and found out I was always a cheater! Until this current relationship. For the past 10 years, there has been only one man in my life.

I'm not a cheater any more. That's just just not me.

I went to an Al-anon meeting last week and a lady said that she had considered one solution to her live-in alcoholic situation was to cheat. She could find that physical/emotional release, she thought, as she had before, in cheating. Then she reconsidered. I had to smile. I had thought about it too.

I think this situation, after having read these posts, just screams that Mr. ALW was just looking for permission to indulge in his DOC. He found someone who would get high with him. So, he manipulated that person with sex for his high, basically. I do believe his cheating was a direct effect of his addiction.

I know my AB will hang out with anyone who says his drinking is ok. I have to be prepared for the possibility of this same thing happening to our relationship.
omg how did u know i did too never did it but certainly crossed my mind but simply couldnt do it xxxkia
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Old 01-12-2011, 11:01 AM
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welcome to SR clw just wanted to let u know my experience with a cheater well he cheated on with how u would describe as a tart too moved her in the day he cheated told me the weekend after ohh btw your dumped im with her now my world crumbled cos had acccpeted the drink and all that came with it this had never accured to me would happen he always said would never cheat on me but there it was lasted all of 7 weeks with him telling me he still loved me then going back to her again despite the fact she would leave him regular to go sleep with other guys and she gave him std too or so he thought.

7 weeks on i take him back but its not the same i didnt trust him one bit every single time i left him to go back to my house the insecurities were all there magnified and i think in my heart i never forgave him and just couldnt do it anymore its ended now not cos of the cheating but another drunken drama but one too many for me to cope with anymore and it was getting progressively worse very fast so am glad im out of that picture.

As a precaution i went to get tested and was told i was clear as was he another lie he told to make himself look good and her look bad as he had never had anything all along but i wanted to be sure once a cheat as others have said i hope this will help u knowing my story what u do is entirely your choice but as others have said watch for the actions words are very cheap as ive found out having listened to i love u and ill never do it again once too many times ,incidentally hes back with her again now having said he would never take her back under any circumstances xxxxkia
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Old 01-12-2011, 12:00 PM
  # 97 (permalink)  
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part of the recovery and reconciliation process of recovering from an infidelity is that the wayward one has total transparency (thanks transformie, learned that on that site)..that means that anything he has or does...any communications, emails, texts, phone messages, passwords are available to the betrayed member so that they can see what is going on...to help rebuild trust.
This is not recommended for addiction..it is crazy making codependency. there are two issues here.
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Old 01-12-2011, 12:21 PM
  # 98 (permalink)  
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total transparency ...means that anything he has or does...any communications, emails, texts, phone messages, passwords are available to the betrayed member so that they can see what is going on...to help rebuild trust.
Wow. That sounds sick. None for me thanks.
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Old 01-12-2011, 12:36 PM
  # 99 (permalink)  
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well yes it is also it stuck me as quite controlling on his part just the sort of the thing the ex would of done make it seem like it was my choice to let him see when all along he wanted to get the sympathy vote i mean i could be really wrong about that but its how i see it as he did similar things to me but i would never let him post on my ID never in this world i did tell him when i first joined here cos he asked who i was talking to all the time on the puter and i told him i joined a site and that was as much as he needed to know never mentioned it again though was nothing to do with him is my recovery not his i hope this helps though there quite devious drinkers xxxxkia
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Old 01-12-2011, 04:33 PM
  # 100 (permalink)  
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I think this falls under "you are only as sick as your secrets" rule.

the site explains it rather well and like anything else, it depends on how it is used and what the intent and etc are.

I am pretty transparent in my relationship..but there is trust and neither of us have any interest in "snooping" or checking up because trust has not been betrayed for a month daily (as here) or months or years as some people who decide to reconcile after an affair are.

my guy isn't going to read my posts here ..altho' if he wanted to snoop, he is enough of a geek to find them..but because he trusts that if there is something he needs to know or if I have something to tell him..I will. I haven't betrayed that trust. but anyway..nah, I don't keep things password protected from him and etc. He knows my passwords. (I am more prone to mess something up on the computer and need him to fix it for me etc)
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