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My hubby, my sweetheart, my BFF... he cheated...

Old 01-11-2011, 06:26 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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It is a bit odd for the other party to be posting here, especially on his wife's account. It's in everyone's best interest if each person has his/her own account and posts accordingly. Mr CLW, if you want to set up your own account and need help doing so, please let me know.

Also, I like to remind our members that SR is a safe place to come to learn, interact, vent, and "talk" things out. If you openly give someone else in your life your screen name and/or log in information, you've given up the protection of anonymity.

Be safe, be smart, be careful.

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Old 01-11-2011, 06:39 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Hi everyone,

I really appreciate all your input. I apologize for letting my husband reply from my login, but I let him read this forum because I wanted him to see that I am not the only one who thinks them meeting again was, to say the least, weird and inappropriate. You know, he doesn't think so either.
As you all probably know this by now, as a wife of an AH I am an expert in making excuses for him... and I know this. It's hard to stop. But I do believe he's really suffering and that he will never do this again, as long as he stays sober. And I will do everything in my power to help him. I will no longer complain that he spends too much time in meetings (yes, I used to do that).
I know the saying 'once a cheater always a cheater' and I used to believe in in 100%. Until it happened to me and I have to try to believe otherwise. Or hope, rather. You know, I do believe it happens, a couple with just this one bad crisis that grows stronger by overcoming it. Maybe this is what our marriage 'needed' (for the lack of a better word) to be less superficial, grow closer to God, who helped us start this union in the first place.
Anyway, I hope you didn't get offended by what he said about you not knowing us. He knows I reached out for help and he is supportive in everything I do, he really is.
The reason he didn't get a new login is that he thought this was only for families and friends and he's an A. Now he knows better.
Once again, thanks everyone for being here for me, it means a lot.
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Old 01-11-2011, 08:17 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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ok. im the horrible husband reviewing theses post with my clw. im doing this to try to make this thing work as i will do anything for my wife. i know what i did was wrong and i have to live with the pain i caused. i now will be alone for eternity as i rot in hell for what i did. no one on this post knows what our marriage is about and only we can resolve this crisis. i will continue to get help for my problem and hope to God tnat one day my wife will be able to forgive me. i am not deserving of her love and am very greatful to have her. again i will do anything for her... i am trying to understand if i am constitutionally able to be honest with myself. i thought that i was but seem to always **** up.
So very typical.

"Let's see...if I post all these stupid things about myself on this website, she will actually BELIEVE me... Because if I put it in WRITING that makes it official and it will seem that I'm actually telling the TRUTH!... hmmm.... let me think.... I'm not sure what to say... WAIT! I KNOW! I'll just type the same bull$hit that has always worked! .... Poor, poor pitiful me. Let me tell you just how horrible I believe I am, so that you will feel sorry for me. But can't you see that I am the most devoted man on earth? (forget what I did two weeks ago and the week after that). Oh! how noble I am! I and my marriage are SO unique and special that no one can possibly understand, therefore the rules of the real world do not apply. It couldn't possibly be my selfish desires and selfish choices that hurt others, screw up their lives, and put them in danger; it MUST be something that I can feel sorry for myself and whine about so that I can get everyone else to feel sorry for me and not actually hold me accountable for my actions. Oh and look at how much work I am doing to better myself...."

Get a program.

And get your own forum. There is a forum for YOU under "Alcoholism" and "Drug Addiction."

CuteLittleWife, honey, his words are POISON and you should not listen to them or read them. Focus on his BEHAVIOR and his ACTIONS, as they are what got you here in the first place.
Please go to Al-Anon.

P.S. Thanks Naive, for all the lessons in alcoholic thinking translation.
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Old 01-11-2011, 08:31 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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I am sorry you had that experience with Alanon. Their 12th step is to "carry the message." They are working their program trying to help you. Alanon saved my life. I was so codependent. Now....3 years after divorce from my AXH Alanon are my dearest friends. I also think the book Codependent No More may be helpful to you and talking to a therapist. Addict/alcoholics are major manipulators/liers. I would not try to get through this alone. I too was cheated on and never got trust back. It was something I couldn't change. What about his "vows?"
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Old 01-11-2011, 08:37 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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clw,

I suggest you send a note to the mods and get a new username so that you can talk openly here with privacy. You will wind up appreciating that later, really!
These things take time to work through and you will find alot of support!

I think you need 5 posts to send a pm..but you can just post a number 1, 2, and etc to get there on this post. We would understand that.

There are forums here that your husband could seek support for his recovery in. It just isn't this one.
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Old 01-11-2011, 08:46 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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L2L I see your point, if I had been here about 3 weeks ago I would have probably written the same thing to someone. But the truth is, we can't assume that everything he says is a lie. I'm having a hard time trusting him now, but I can't put down everything he says, the Reconciliation would be impossible then. I saw him cry, I see how the thought of what he did makes him hate himself and his addiction. And I don't think he's putting on a show for me, I keep an eye on him even when he doesn't know I am. And really, the girl it happened with is a **** and he knows it, I am absolutely sure there were no feelings involved.
Once again, he can't drink and/or do drugs and that's it. As long as he stays sober he will never cheat on me and I am positive about this. There is a saying that 'If something happened once, it might never happen again, but if something happened twice it will definitely happen the third time'. I have noticed throughout my life for this to be true and believe me, I will have no problem dumping him if he cheats again. We're all human, we make mistakes. As long as he learns from this one, I will stick around and keep loving him.
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Old 01-11-2011, 08:49 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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"Let's see...if I post all these stupid things about myself on this website, she will actually BELIEVE me... Because if I put it in WRITING that makes it official and it will seem that I'm actually telling the TRUTH!... hmmm.... let me think.... I'm not sure what to say... WAIT! I KNOW! I'll just type the same bull$hit that has always worked! .... Poor, poor pitiful me. Let me tell you just how horrible I believe I am, so that you will feel sorry for me. But can't you see that I am the most devoted man on earth? (forget what I did two weeks ago and the week after that). Oh! how noble I am! I and my marriage are SO unique and special that no one can possibly understand, therefore the rules of the real world do not apply. It couldn't possibly be my selfish desires and selfish choices that hurt others, screw up their lives, and put them in danger; it MUST be something that I can feel sorry for myself and whine about so that I can get everyone else to feel sorry for me and not actually hold me accountable for my actions. Oh and look at how much work I am doing to better myself...."


I guess I should have just underlined and bolded this entire paragraph.
CLW, this is so typical and despicable.
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms.
Pfffft.
I am in recovery, and I have been cheated on.
This talk of "woe is me" is typical of an alcoholic.
CLW's husband, get your own account and try that over in the Newcomers Section.
Your wife may not have your number, but I do.
Just stop it, you are embarassing yourself.

Beth
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Old 01-11-2011, 08:50 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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CuteLittleWife,
Thank you for your post. Just remember, when you need us we'll be here.
(((hugs)))
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Old 01-11-2011, 08:54 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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And really, the girl it happened with is a **** and he knows it, I am absolutely sure there were no feelings involved.

Interesting, he was not capable of making a decision because she was a "whatever".
Well, no feelings involved. Do you think the girl he slept with has feelings?
I bet she does!
Just like you do. Just like your husband does.
Easy to villianize her, she does not live with you.
She is a human being who made a mistake.
Yes. I believe she is. She deserves forgiveness and another chance just as your husband does.


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Old 01-11-2011, 08:57 AM
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I'm just wondering if you've gone to the website I suggested?
Here we focus on our own recovery, recover from our unhealthy ways of interacting with alcoholics and addicts.

At survivinginfidelity.com, they will focus purely on your reconciliation. both of you can register and receive amazing support.
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Old 01-11-2011, 09:08 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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I know you're all supportive of me, but please give him benefit of the doubt. He really is a good guy. He's not feeling sorry for himself, I know he can't believe he did what he did more than I can. He's really looking for help and he's changed, and he says he's sorry about what he did and how he hurt me whenever he sees me all sad or 'absent'. I know it's words, but there are actions too.
Please don't see this post as my way of defending him, but really, he is trying. And him reading this forum last night was a way of trying to understand what I'm going through. I could see he was shaking and on the verge of tears when reading some of my posts and your responses.
And don't worry, he wouldn't try to log in with my login, he's not a cunning man, believe it or not. I've always had all his passwords, we never had any secrets from each other. Until he relapsed after 21 months and was ashamed.
I believe he'll never lie again because I have to, to make it work. Without my hope of him changing, how can there be hope for our marriage?
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Old 01-11-2011, 09:22 AM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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***RANT ALERT***

Beyond the issue of forgiveness and "what happens next", I URGE you to go get tested for STDs and HIV. I too used to think that my XAH wasn't the cheating type. And now I have HSV 1 & 2.

Please contact a STD clinic and find out about getting tested ASAP, as well as in 6 months (some diseases won't appear until 6 months after the initial infection). If you and your AH do continue together, you should know the state of your sexual health before you begin having unprotected sex. Please don't throw the condoms aside as some kind of show of your trust for each other. It is possible to get reinfected with certain STDs.

Also, if you do choose to continue with him and have another child, it is possible to infect your child with whatever STD you have, if it flares up during birth.

I know it's a real pain in the @ss, and it's very unsettling to remain in that grey zone of not knowing for 6 months while you wait for your test results, but it needs to be done!

/rant
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Old 01-11-2011, 09:29 AM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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Absolutely, he saw the doctor immediately after the A, he has an appointment this week to get tested. Fortunately, we haven't had unprotected sex since the A so I'm good. I wouldn't even consider no condom at this point, and neither would he, knowing this girl...
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Old 01-11-2011, 09:36 AM
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Well, I was referring to you, but it's good that he's being tested as well. How do you know there aren't other indiscretions that happened early on during the marriage that he forgot about? You can't really know, hence the necessity to get tested yourself.

Cost: very little
Result: peace of mind.
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Old 01-11-2011, 09:37 AM
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CLW,

I am sorry for your trouble. I can only imagine that it is soul destroying and would think that you are still processing.

I think it has all been offered and posted but one thing I wanted to point out. You have referred to the woman he had sex with a number of times referring to in very derogatory and demeaning terminology. (without printing the word) Your husband is as responsible and if you must see this woman the way you are, include your husband as being exactly the same.
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Old 01-11-2011, 09:40 AM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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I believe he'll never lie again because I have to, to make it work.

My alcoholic/addict was unique too.

My alcoholic/addict was really looking for help too.

My alcoholic/addict was so remorseful, so sad to see me sad, hurt and upset.

My alcoholic/addict actually showed up at one of my al-anon meetings begging forgiveness.

My alcoholic/addict never hid anything from me either; I had access to his phones, email everything.

My alcoholic/addict also relapsed after a period of sobriety……..and that’s when he became cunning!! That’s when the lies started, that’s when the manipulation went through the roof. That’s when he couldn’t control his impulses, wasn’t able to use sound judgment or stand by his own morals.

I know how much you NEED to believe he will never lie to you again because if you were to accept that he is who he is – an alcoholic and that his active addiction will always be just one bad thought away…it’s too much for you to comprehend and understand right now because HIS WORDS are soothing to you, his devotion feels secure to you right now, the threat to your relationship (the other woman) you feel confident is gone.

Again, let me repeat, he will always be just one bad thought away from relapse. And with his relapses life brings, CUNNING behaviors which include lies, cheating and manipulations.

Please find your way to al-anon…..

History doesn’t repeat itself, people repeat history………….
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Old 01-11-2011, 09:44 AM
  # 57 (permalink)  
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gerryP - thank you for your post.
I do not blame the OW, she never promised me to be faithful and did not break my trust. The reason I referred to her as sl*t is because she is, and a self proclaimed one too. I saw her being felt up by 4 guys at an office Christmas party, she also has a website where she brags about sleeping with 2 or more guys on the same day and not taking a shower in between, because she gets a kick out of it. She has some serious issues and I do feel sorry for her (don't judge me for that, I know a little about her background and believe me, wouldn't wish it upon anyone). So I am not calling her names to get back at her, I'm just describing a personality. I guess I should have gone with 'promiscuous'.
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Old 01-11-2011, 09:48 AM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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It's been a while since I've read the rules on posting and being conscientious about other people and if I'm out of line, I will gladly accept the repercussions from a mod.

I came to your thread for reasons of my own but I also wanted to lend you some support. Now I get to read some lame ass post from your husband under your account. A great deal of trust just went out the window there.

There's plenty more I could say but in the end, I honestly hope both of you can work out your problems.
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Old 01-11-2011, 09:57 AM
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Well, after that description I have lost my appetite.

terminology such as promiscuous or otherwise really wasn't the point and I didn't think you were calling her names "to get back at her."

The description you provided of her and I will assume you find her 'personality distasteful would cause me to wonder who the heck I married that would have sex with a woman who made such choices in how she lives her life. I would also wonder how the heck I married a man who displays such disrespect for women. Are you suggesting that she doesn't really count as a person because she she is known to be generous with her body?
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Old 01-11-2011, 10:12 AM
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gerryP, she does count as a person. What I mean is that she's not my concern, she's not part of my reconciliation with my husband and neither of us wants to think about her now.
My husband made some horrible choices. He is an addict and cannot control his drinking once he starts. I have seen him drunk many times and I know he has no idea what's going on. The girl drove him half conscious to someone's house and then it happened. Like I said before, they then did coke and knowing how my husband is when he's wasted like that, I bet she had to do most of the 'work'. I am not diminishing his fault or input, I'm just saying that he was around a wrong person at the wrong time. He didn't remember what happened and although she expressed the will to do it again, he denied.
Listen, it is very hard for me to think about that and think about what happened. I apologize for saying the wrong things on this forum, letting my husband post. My brain is working at about 5% it's normal capacity.
But you can't tell me there is no way it won't happen again, and that he'll keep lying. There must be cases of truly remorseful alcoholic cheaters who never did it again. And believe me, I will not stick around if he ever does.
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