My hubby, my sweetheart, my BFF... he cheated...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 52
Ok.... He's not trying to keep in touch with her. He immediately erased her number from his phone, he defriended her on fb. I asked him to keep her on IM and let me know if she contacts him. I don't know why, I guess like I said - I was looking for some closure. It's really hard to explain some things I've done over those past 6 days, including forgetting my way home, placing my baby's plastic bottle in the oven, etc.
He's been saying that he wants nothing to do with her and he hates her. It was me who wanted that final contact to happen. It did, and I noticed he removed her from his IM contacts (or she did him, either way, after that conversation there will be no contact). I asked him to tell her one more thing and he said 'no, I never want to speak to her again'
He's been saying that he wants nothing to do with her and he hates her. It was me who wanted that final contact to happen. It did, and I noticed he removed her from his IM contacts (or she did him, either way, after that conversation there will be no contact). I asked him to tell her one more thing and he said 'no, I never want to speak to her again'
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
From my experience, his actions are all signs of someone who is remorseful and wanting to make it better. No contact with the bimbo, ending all communication, ensuring you can check up on him to rebuild trust and doing whatever you need to heal is essential.
Please go to the website I offered above. Those folks can help with his so much, you won't believe it.
BUT they can't help with the alcoholism issue. That's what I came here for.
Good luck Sweetie and take care of YOURSELF!
Please go to the website I offered above. Those folks can help with his so much, you won't believe it.
BUT they can't help with the alcoholism issue. That's what I came here for.
Good luck Sweetie and take care of YOURSELF!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
I have not experienced your situation.
What I can say is that I tend to look for ways in which my AW can "prove" to me that she's on the right path. This doesn't work and it drives me batty.
So reading your story, I see you trying to balance his cheating and drug use with removing his FB contacts, or removing the text contacts, or whatever else. All that stuff is chump change compared to cheating and using.
Take care of yourself. If you keep worrying about him, you'll be lost and your child will be next.
Edit: Eventhough, I've imagined it, I can't imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes. Keep on posting. It really does help.
What I can say is that I tend to look for ways in which my AW can "prove" to me that she's on the right path. This doesn't work and it drives me batty.
So reading your story, I see you trying to balance his cheating and drug use with removing his FB contacts, or removing the text contacts, or whatever else. All that stuff is chump change compared to cheating and using.
Take care of yourself. If you keep worrying about him, you'll be lost and your child will be next.
Edit: Eventhough, I've imagined it, I can't imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes. Keep on posting. It really does help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
well, i have experienced your situation. i'm sorry you're going thru this.
having slept with her and being confronted by you, i would have a big problem myself if he went and drank and smoke pot with her. that is a recipe for disaster and i would render a guess that they kissed and cuddled as they said goodbye. IF they said goodbye.
i've lived this myself and i'll tell you...it was never ever the same again. the trust in the relationship had been broken and i had visions of him with someone else...i still do.
you must decide what you can live with and you say you took vows in front of god...for better or worse...however, i'll remind you that in the bible it states that if one partner is an adulterer, it is ok to leave...
i'll share that it never left me and i never trusted him again. working late? spin in my brain. out for drinks with mates? can't handle it.
it's no way to live.
having slept with her and being confronted by you, i would have a big problem myself if he went and drank and smoke pot with her. that is a recipe for disaster and i would render a guess that they kissed and cuddled as they said goodbye. IF they said goodbye.
i've lived this myself and i'll tell you...it was never ever the same again. the trust in the relationship had been broken and i had visions of him with someone else...i still do.
you must decide what you can live with and you say you took vows in front of god...for better or worse...however, i'll remind you that in the bible it states that if one partner is an adulterer, it is ok to leave...
i'll share that it never left me and i never trusted him again. working late? spin in my brain. out for drinks with mates? can't handle it.
it's no way to live.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
I'm VERY sorry for you crazy situation ...
I'm dealing with a relapsed AH who becomes a good liar when he's drinking. The only lies (that I'm aware of!!) are those relating to drinking or purchasing alchohol. We've talked about how devastating lying is and how I won't be able to trust him. He finally admitted that he lied so that we would not get in a big fight and so he would not be adding more stress on me. My thoughts: he's still lying. He lied to not get caught - period. I feel that my AH will now lie as needed everytime he's drinking ... really, why wouldn't he? When the disease is raging in his head - lying is the easiest solution.
When you stated he was "ashamed" ... he should be BUT lying and repeating behavior is simply a way for them to continue. I view your H meeting & getting stoned with her again as innocent as mine buying vodka and not drinking it ... unacceptable to me.
You know him best ... I'm simplying pulling words out of your comments. But lying has turned into an ugly monster in our marriage (of 21 years) and I don't think I can live with it anymore ...
Alanon and friends have been my best support. I wish you the BEST - BIG hugs to you!
I'm dealing with a relapsed AH who becomes a good liar when he's drinking. The only lies (that I'm aware of!!) are those relating to drinking or purchasing alchohol. We've talked about how devastating lying is and how I won't be able to trust him. He finally admitted that he lied so that we would not get in a big fight and so he would not be adding more stress on me. My thoughts: he's still lying. He lied to not get caught - period. I feel that my AH will now lie as needed everytime he's drinking ... really, why wouldn't he? When the disease is raging in his head - lying is the easiest solution.
When you stated he was "ashamed" ... he should be BUT lying and repeating behavior is simply a way for them to continue. I view your H meeting & getting stoned with her again as innocent as mine buying vodka and not drinking it ... unacceptable to me.
You know him best ... I'm simplying pulling words out of your comments. But lying has turned into an ugly monster in our marriage (of 21 years) and I don't think I can live with it anymore ...
Alanon and friends have been my best support. I wish you the BEST - BIG hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Noone else was around and he wanted to drink. And I guess that's how the disease works. All that matters is booze, right? She was the only person who knew what he was going through.
I am a recovering alcoholic, and I had to come back to this after thinking for awhile.
My ex was an alcoholic/crack addict and he cheated on me too.
Cheating and alcohol are two separate issues.
Alcohol might lower inhibitions if you have intentions that way, but it is not the cause of cheating.
Who said she was the only one who understood what he was going thru?
Your husband? Uh, no, the only one who knows what he is going thru is him. Him and him alone. Why would he go back there to drink and get high?
Unless it was to lower his inhibitions again and get some more cheating in.
I drank for twenty years CLW, I never cheated on my husbands.
Had two husbands, did many things I am ashamed of (care of my children) but never ever cheated.
It is not about the booze, it is about your husband.
Only my opinion, but it also seems that drama seems to be entertainment for your husband at the very least, and maybe you too.
Try AlAnon.
Take care of yourself.
Do not call the other woman names or pull her into your marriage, it will just confuse the issues and maybe your husband likes that idea.
Cheaters cheat, Drinkers drink.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
AH had an online affair about eight months ago while he has trying to be sober and I forgave him. The funny thing is I think he started the affair because he was sober, it's like he let go of one vice and had to pick up another. After that he started drinking much more heavily and had kind of a breakdown in November and ended up in rehab. He came home from rehab and got drunk and hit his head. Enough has happened in the past year that I realized something changed in me and I have had enough.
I told him the next time he drinks, I am gone, period. I don't care if it's six months or two years from now. I am personally just really tired of all the alcoholic crap and ready to be done. He is lovely when he is not drinking but that doesn't make up for all the nonsense I have had to put up with.
Right now, he is behaving beautifully and going to AA every day, probably because he knows I am dead serious. I think everyone is just at a different place in their relationships. Five years ago I would have been like you and much more of a devoted wife but I have been hardened over the years and I am pretty much done. I think if he can't stop drinking this time we will just be doing the same thing in ten years and I don't want to be doing the same thing. I am still fairly young and I have talked to so many women who have been with an AH for 30-40 years and I don't want that to be me.
I hope your husband is really able to be sober and honest with you. You deserve that as a wife. Good luck!
I told him the next time he drinks, I am gone, period. I don't care if it's six months or two years from now. I am personally just really tired of all the alcoholic crap and ready to be done. He is lovely when he is not drinking but that doesn't make up for all the nonsense I have had to put up with.
Right now, he is behaving beautifully and going to AA every day, probably because he knows I am dead serious. I think everyone is just at a different place in their relationships. Five years ago I would have been like you and much more of a devoted wife but I have been hardened over the years and I am pretty much done. I think if he can't stop drinking this time we will just be doing the same thing in ten years and I don't want to be doing the same thing. I am still fairly young and I have talked to so many women who have been with an AH for 30-40 years and I don't want that to be me.
I hope your husband is really able to be sober and honest with you. You deserve that as a wife. Good luck!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Hard to be objective about this subject for a lot of members here, including myself.
What's the cheating type? I think he made it quite clear he's the type that would cheat, then hide it unless he's caught.
Originally Posted by cutelittlewife 
I know it's hard to believe, but he's really not the cheating type.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hard to be objective about this subject for a lot of members here, including myself.
I am sorry if what I said has hurt you. It was my experience and I could have done a much better job sharing that experience along with some strength and hope.
I got through the pain of the cheating, it was the constant never ending lying that finally did me in. Lie directly in my face and I could smell the alcohol on him.
Once I gave up the illusion of controlling him or what he does, I was able to let go, and then live my own life.
Get some support for yourself.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
I held on to my AW thru treatment centers, halfway house and now I filed for divorce after 14 1/2 years of marriage(16 years together) and two kids. She cheated once, said she was sorry and then another after 7 days after I left the house during seperation started cheating again with another guy. I'm a electronics guy and when they say you really don't want the details you don't. I never never never believed she was capable of this but she did. Even texting the guy the whole time during a church marrriage retreat..
The reality of things are they go find someone else for a reason, cutting off the supply doesn't fix anything. Do some Google searching. Keep your eyes and ears open. Found out even my wife will lie to my face about even the smallest things now.
Somedays I'm just stunned. That is reality today.
Some get thru this with intense work, mine said she wanted to work and make things better but in reality with her words and actions was a different story.
The warning shot came across your radar. Please give it due attention.
Alanon HELP HUGE! One of my best friends the other day said to just think 95% of what she says is a lie. It helps as it is truly just crazy.
The reality of things are they go find someone else for a reason, cutting off the supply doesn't fix anything. Do some Google searching. Keep your eyes and ears open. Found out even my wife will lie to my face about even the smallest things now.
Somedays I'm just stunned. That is reality today.
Some get thru this with intense work, mine said she wanted to work and make things better but in reality with her words and actions was a different story.
The warning shot came across your radar. Please give it due attention.
Alanon HELP HUGE! One of my best friends the other day said to just think 95% of what she says is a lie. It helps as it is truly just crazy.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Only you know your husband best and are in the situation.. these are just some thoughts I had while reading through your posts ....
If it were a gal he met up with in a bar or at a party and they had a fling and that was that, never heard from again etc, that would make his contrition more believable to me.
But going to the woman you cheated you wife on with for comfort? Bit odd. Which leads me to believe he is begging forgiveness because he got caught. Different then feeling bad because he cheated.
Someone on your facebook, texting, IMing etc, isn't just a drunken mistake, it is something a bit more complex and involved to me.
Forgiveness is fine but he really needs to refocus on his sobriety and stay away from social situations which may lead to this stuff.
You don't need to explain or owe anything to the woman he slept with. Close the book on that and if he is closing it as well then GOOD.
He needs a bit of growing up to do. His actions aren't really about alcoholism IMHO.
If it were a gal he met up with in a bar or at a party and they had a fling and that was that, never heard from again etc, that would make his contrition more believable to me.
But going to the woman you cheated you wife on with for comfort? Bit odd. Which leads me to believe he is begging forgiveness because he got caught. Different then feeling bad because he cheated.
Someone on your facebook, texting, IMing etc, isn't just a drunken mistake, it is something a bit more complex and involved to me.
Forgiveness is fine but he really needs to refocus on his sobriety and stay away from social situations which may lead to this stuff.
You don't need to explain or owe anything to the woman he slept with. Close the book on that and if he is closing it as well then GOOD.
He needs a bit of growing up to do. His actions aren't really about alcoholism IMHO.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 52
ok. im the horrible husband reviewing theses post with my clw. im doing this to try to make this thing work as i will do anything for my wife. i know what i did was wrong and i have to live with the pain i caused. i now will be alone for eternity as i rot in hell for what i did. no one on this post knows what our marriage is about and only we can resolve this crisis. i will continue to get help for my problem and hope to God tnat one day my wife will be able to forgive me. i am not deserving of her love and am very greatful to have her. again i will do anything for her... i am trying to understand if i am constitutionally able to be honest with myself. i thought that i was but seem to always **** up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
CLW,
I can relate to what you are going through. That was me 3 years ago; my BF of 7 years began an emotional affair with a neighbor and when I found out I left him. He begged me to come back and we managed to work through it. He was not hiding his phones, he didn’t use the computer much at all so that wasn’t a problem and any time she would text him he showed me. She lived a few building away in the same apartment complex so it was rather hard NOT to have her right in our faces. Last spring he started using again (pain pills, he loves his opiates) and shortly after his relapse she was right back in the picture. She doesn’t care he’s an addict, as a matter of fact she was giving him pills she has left over after a surgery. He was going to lose me and his job so he pulled his act together last May, began going back to meetings and reaching out to his sponsor. Life was good, not great but good and we were doing ok until Oct when he got an injury at work and hit the opiate lottery – a real injury which called for pain pills! So instead of telling the DR he had an allergy to opiates, he lied to me instead and said he told the DR and said he refused the pain meds. A few weeks later I could tell he was on something. He opted to have surgery – MORE PAIN MEDS and a few days before his surgery told me he thought it was best if we broke up and I moved out! He said and I quote “you don’t understand, as a man I need to do this alone”. Ya right, what he needed was me out of his way so he could over indulge. And surprise surprise – the neighbor was back in the picture! He spent the next month calling me, coming over to my parents home and begging me not to leave him, said I belong back home, couldn’t live without me..yada yada yada. All the time she was still in the picture as well!!!1
I ended all contact with him on December 18 and I am finally off the relapse/hurt and pain merry go round!
I believed him everything time he told me he loved me, I wanted to badly to believe he would fight for himself and his recovery so we could have a life together but for the last 3 years he has relapsed about every 7 or 8 months and she always ends up in the picture.
Today I am pissed off, angry as hell at him for what he did to me because I did not deserve what the end brought my way.
I certainly do believe what someone else posted about addiction and cheating being to separate issues but in my situation, one always seemed to bring the other back into the picture because when he was NOT using he had more control over his impulses, he had better moral judgments.
Funny thing was, he always said how bad he felt for her because he believes he really hurt her because she said she was in love with him and loved him like she’s never loved anyone before. His guilt about hurting her seems to have kept in involved, YET we were together for 10 years, what about his guilt for hurting me, what about my feelings???? This is what keeps me angry and right now anger is good for me it keeps me from repeating my past mistakes!
Eyes wide open, ears listening and actions, actions and more actions will tell the story his words may not be.
I can relate to what you are going through. That was me 3 years ago; my BF of 7 years began an emotional affair with a neighbor and when I found out I left him. He begged me to come back and we managed to work through it. He was not hiding his phones, he didn’t use the computer much at all so that wasn’t a problem and any time she would text him he showed me. She lived a few building away in the same apartment complex so it was rather hard NOT to have her right in our faces. Last spring he started using again (pain pills, he loves his opiates) and shortly after his relapse she was right back in the picture. She doesn’t care he’s an addict, as a matter of fact she was giving him pills she has left over after a surgery. He was going to lose me and his job so he pulled his act together last May, began going back to meetings and reaching out to his sponsor. Life was good, not great but good and we were doing ok until Oct when he got an injury at work and hit the opiate lottery – a real injury which called for pain pills! So instead of telling the DR he had an allergy to opiates, he lied to me instead and said he told the DR and said he refused the pain meds. A few weeks later I could tell he was on something. He opted to have surgery – MORE PAIN MEDS and a few days before his surgery told me he thought it was best if we broke up and I moved out! He said and I quote “you don’t understand, as a man I need to do this alone”. Ya right, what he needed was me out of his way so he could over indulge. And surprise surprise – the neighbor was back in the picture! He spent the next month calling me, coming over to my parents home and begging me not to leave him, said I belong back home, couldn’t live without me..yada yada yada. All the time she was still in the picture as well!!!1
I ended all contact with him on December 18 and I am finally off the relapse/hurt and pain merry go round!
I believed him everything time he told me he loved me, I wanted to badly to believe he would fight for himself and his recovery so we could have a life together but for the last 3 years he has relapsed about every 7 or 8 months and she always ends up in the picture.
Today I am pissed off, angry as hell at him for what he did to me because I did not deserve what the end brought my way.
I certainly do believe what someone else posted about addiction and cheating being to separate issues but in my situation, one always seemed to bring the other back into the picture because when he was NOT using he had more control over his impulses, he had better moral judgments.
Funny thing was, he always said how bad he felt for her because he believes he really hurt her because she said she was in love with him and loved him like she’s never loved anyone before. His guilt about hurting her seems to have kept in involved, YET we were together for 10 years, what about his guilt for hurting me, what about my feelings???? This is what keeps me angry and right now anger is good for me it keeps me from repeating my past mistakes!
Eyes wide open, ears listening and actions, actions and more actions will tell the story his words may not be.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
ok. im the horrible husband reviewing theses post with my clw.
im doing this to try to make this thing work as i will do anything for my wife. i know what i did was wrong and i have to live with the pain i caused.
Prove it.
i now will be alone for eternity as i rot in hell for what i did.
THought I was in the middle ages there for a minute.
the ultimate destiny of your soul
is none of my concern.
must be a local thing.
no one on this post knows what our marriage is about and only we can resolve this crisis.
Just remember - 'someone' came here asking for help and support.
No one read this in the local paper and started talking about it.
We were, as they say...invited.
We were asked for our experience strength and hope.
We are giving it.
i will continue to get help for my problem and hope to God tnat one day my wife will be able to forgive me. i am not deserving of her love and am very greatful to have her. again i will do anything for her... i am trying to understand if i am constitutionally able to be honest with myself. i thought that i was but seem to always **** up.
in a name for yourself
and reviewing the newcomers threads.
I also agree about the testing.
I am more than a little ...
intrigued
that you are coming in on your wife's registration
and are so strongly motivated
to defend yourself to us
by reading her transmissions.
makes me suspicious.
we've seen a lot of people come through here
in these few years
and we've seen a lot of women
in very real
very harsh
very abusive situations.
We can no more dismiss her original thread
as frivilous
than we could stand on the sidewalk
and dare someone on the ledge
to go ahead and jump.
We must,
for the sake of our own integrity
assume that each thread started here
is genuine
and each plea for help
is sincere.
While you may not feel we're good for your wife...
she did.
If you're looking to be absolved...
you're hunting with the wrong dog, friend.
In the wrong woods
and have brought a knife...
to a gunfight.
I hope you'll go register in your own personal membership
and allow your wife to work out her problems
if that's what she chooses to do
and you will seek help
without interferring.
So I suppose my last words on the topic are my two favorite:
Prove it.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by cutelittlewife
ok. im the horrible husband reviewing theses post with my clw. .
If you're serious about getting sober, staying sober and working a good program, you would realize how off the hook this current tactic is. You are no where near a recovery state of mind Mr clw. If you're serious about repairing your marriage worry about right now instead of the rest of eternity. What a crock.
Too much weird drama for me. Good luck you two.
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