cutelittlewife

Ha ! I knew someone would say that Those are the downsides of being known only virtually... I am, indeed, cute and quite small in size (although I have no confidence issues, believe me. I have a big ego and have been struggling for years the feeling of being better than everyone else. I've never looked up to anyone and have yet to find a person of authority. Maybe that's why I've always solved my own problems and AlAnon won't work for me, because 'what do they know'). And 'wife' - absolutely I am a wife - that's the reason I even came to this forum. No other alcoholics in my life other than my hubby.

atalose - he's well aware I will leave him if he ever drinks again. I put some time aside this weekend so we can sit down and write a post-nuptial agreement so in case he relapses we don't have to deal with all that crap but know exactly what we're doing about the house, the car and the child/ren. I'm dead serious about this. I'm really sorry about the way your relationship turned out. There are a lot of good men out there without these issues... I wish you the best of luck in finding the right one.

Codie101

CLW...of course its been a while since I read Codependent No More, but if I remember correctly, everyone pls correct me if I am wrong, but, a person who is codependent loses themselves in his/her spouse, loses their own identity (hence the definition as someone's wife, someone's mother, etc...) and becomes absorbed with making that person happy at the expense of all else. Honestly, until I read the book, I had NO idea I was codependent, but I am. I didn't have alcoholic parents. Have never dealt with an alcoholic in my life until now. So I am trying to figure out where this behavior came from - somehow I think it is from my mother and her issues. Anyway, maybe just pick up a copy and check it out. You may find more of it applies to you than you think. I agree that doing nice things for people is part of the give and take in a relationship, but not at the expense of your true self and not when you get nothing in return.

Listen to me!!! Now if I can only apply all of that to myself, I would be cured!!!!

cutelittlewife

Haha Codie101 I hear ya, it's easier to see issues in other people than it ourselves, solutions also seem a lot less complicated I love your booty shake haha
I have a different book but I guess it's quite similar it's called 'Women who love too much'. for some reason the codependency really doesn't seem to apply to me, I know you all think otherwise, but trust me. And it's not that being a mother and wife 'define' me, but come on - I work full time and I have a 20 month old - you can probably imagine that family related activities take up a huge chunk of my spare time. And I ALWAYS find time for just 'ME', as I LOVE me-time and would go crazy without it. My husband also makes sure I get time for myself and he knows I'm a lot happier if a get a breather and it doesn't mean that I don't like spending time with him and baby... oh who am I kidding - I need to get away from them both sometimes haha, even a few hours make a difference. Even though I pretty much just see those 2 on weekends. So I'm not this 100% devoted wife obsessing over the family fire, etc. I'm a normal girl under 30 who also likes to have fun and is enjoying life and experiencing it and being in love and loved just makes my life complete, that's all. But it doesn't define me!

LaTeeDa

The part I've bolded is the important part of this statement. When I do nice things for people with the expectation they will do nice things in return, that is indeed codependent.

As has already been pointed out, Littlecutie might be narcissistic, but Cutelittlewife actually points more toward codependence than narcissism. (identity derived from a role in a relationship)

Ah, good question. And, actually that might be a good topic for discussion in a thread of it's own. I would say I am still searching for who I am, probably will be for life. But, some things I could not say about myself before that I can now would be:

I am comfortable with uncertainty.
I don't need people, circumstances or things to be happy.
I know without a doubt that whatever happens in my life, I will be okay.

I was, too. That's why I stayed for 20 years, even though things got progessively worse. As far as I know, my husband never cheated. But, like the frog in the pot of water, I ever so slowly came to accept the unacceptable. If you read the stories here, you will see that it is not usually one big thing that happens, it is years and years of little things.

I know it must seem like I am telling you to leave your marriage, but that's not it at all. What I'm trying to tell you is that hope has a place, but not above reality. By all means, keep your hope, but don't let it drown out reality like many of us have. All the statistics I've seen indicate something like 10-15% of alcoholics make it to long term sobriety. I hope your hubby is one of those. But, what if he is one of the other 85%? I hear a lot of talk about dedication and commitment and having another child with him, but do you allow yourself to consider the other possibilities? What if you don't get the loving, loyal husband and the 2.5 children and the picket fence? What if life has something entirely different in store for you? How does it feel when you think about that? Does it feel like a storm you could weather, or the end of the world? Because the former would be healthy realism and the latter would be codependence.

L

Edit to add: Please don't feel the need to answer any of this publicly if you don't wish to. These are more "food for thought" questions than "answer this" questions.

Live

post nuptial agreement...very smart!

wicked

I would like to make this a signature line somehow.
Hope has a place, but not above reality.

Only 10 to 15% make it long term? I guess that makes me special.
Like being O negative blood type.

I would love a thread about describing who you are.
On Barbara Shers site, I read about picking a color and describing it, it was a very useful exercise.
Anyway this is off topic. Sorry CLW.

Beth

cutelittlewife

wicked that's totally fine
Also, I am O negative blood type

wicked

So, you are in the special club too.
We can give to anyone, but only take Oneg.

That sounds like my being codependent is in my blood!

OK, I think I need a snack or something.....
getting silly now.

cutelittlewife

haha wicked that's true. Although being special makes up for it.

LaTeeDa - it's not that I EXPECT my husband to reciprocate the nice things because I do them for him. I expect it because it's normal and I do like when he for example gets me Take5 candy bars (they are so hard to find sometimes) or a bag of cherries in the winter. I obviously don't expect him to do those things in return for things I do, but because we're married and those things make us happy. Married people do nice things for each other because they love and care about one another. I think this whole 'independence' and 'individuality' has been going a little over the top and maybe that's why there are so many divorces in this country. My parents have been married for 32 years and my Mom still gets breakfast in bed and she'd still throw a blanket over my Dad when he falls asleep and it's not a contest of 'who does more' but it's so natural. And that's what I'm talking about.
We really love each other and we're best friends and genuinely love spending time together goofing around and acting silly. I hope you're not getting the idea that I'm following him around putting his gloves on or shoving sandwiches down his throat or hugging him when he's shooing me away. We've been married for over 5 years and this is our first crisis and I know our marriage deserves a second chance and I know the tone of this forum is a little on the negative side so I don't expect too many 'good for you' 'you go girl' 'woo hoo for love'. I'll see in a few years, I really hope to prove you guys wrong. And I know you hope that I do too

LaTeeDa

Okay. If that's true, then why did you feel the need to bring it up to him that you were "giving more than you were getting?"

Again, only food for thought.

L

Jazzman

Wow.. check with a lawyer of the wording, legality and get the signatures notarized, you might be glad you did.

(Funny thing about getting divorced, they forget all about what they agreed to when there was nothing at stake).

Also, if you're taking steps like post nuptials, (if a thing legally exists) then you might want to rethink the baby in a couple months plan.

cutelittlewife

Well exactly. Something we need to work on as a couple. I do think I am a lot more self sufficient and over the years I have 'trained' him to not do certain things for me because he'll do them wrong. For example he can't get me a gift without me choosing it. I have noticed that I've gone too far and I've hurt his feelings so I'm steering away from being controlling and now I let him mess things up and he's improving a lot. Apparently all I need to do sometimes is to step away and not even watch. And he does fine.
Yes, I am aware that's what AlAnon preaches but I like coming up with solutions by myself.
So yeah, I think me stopping him from doing things for me left him with few opportunities to do things without me getting upset. I would flip out when he got me flowers, etc. I will definitely be more passive now and let him shower me with love and I will concentrate on the taking instead of giving. And we're golden

stella27

Does either of your parents have a substance abuse issue? My parents have been married 43 years and have a good, solid marriage where they do things for each other and separately from one another. I agree - healthy and lovely to see that it exists.

NOT easy to have with an addict. We have a whole different set of dynamics that we would encourage you to learn about to protect yourself and your existing child - not to be independent for the sake of being separate but being objective. Nobody here has said "don't love him. get out, get away! he's evil." It's just very easy to go down with the ship, like LTD has pointed out. Be aware, keep your eyes open and learn about the disease you are dealing with. Because you love him, but you also love yourself and sweet baby.

We just invite you to read on more threads than this one, including the brilliant sticky posts. I will stop lecturing now.

LaTeeDa

You may not believe it (or want to believe it), but I was you twenty years ago.............

L

Learn2Live

This thread triggers me. Does it trigger anyone else?

stella27

8 years ago for me. I brought two additional children into that marriage. Do you know how much I regret my failure to face it head-on and be realistic? But I was committed and loved him and he loved me and I took vows and all marriages have problems, don't they?

(answer: yes. but alcoholism is different. every marriage doesn't have that. butthe ones that do? eerily similar in progression, or should I say "spiral".)

cutelittlewife

Yes L2L, I think it has been established over the last 9 pages that it 'triggers' people, whatever that means.
I don't want to trigger anyone and maybe I'll just stop posting. Also, from now on, I'm going to take a shot every time someone says 'trigger'. Or 'codependent'

Codie101

CLW...I agree about your description of marriage or any committed relationship. Doing nice things for each other is a reflection of the mutual love and respect felt by both people. I guess I am looking at your situation as more than that. Your H is an alcoholic, yes, but the cheating and lying? I am not saying he doesn't love you. I am not saying you shouldn't fight to keep your marriage and family together. For ME, the cheating and lying would raise other red flags beyond "oh he is just an alcoholic"... Perhaps the tone here is a bit cynical when it comes to love given what it seems most of us have gone through. I hope that everything does work out for you but I would have many many questions about the issues behind the cheating and lying. Being an alcoholic just seems like an excuse. The old "Oh honey, I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing" excuse just doesn't work for me anymore. People make choices. Being drunk doesn't excuse those choices. That's just a cop out.

I think the fact that you have a 20 month old daughter and a child on the way only makes his choices worse to me.

Please understand this is how I would feel were I in your shoes. Not pointing fingers. Just stating how I would feel in your situation. Bottomline, I haven't given up hope in love or relationships! I always root for love and happy endings!!!

stella27

clw, If you have been married 5 years and have a 20 month old daughter, and your husband has been sober this time for 21 months,

will you discuss his decision to stop drinking 21 months ago? What were the circumstances then?

Learn2Live

something fishy about it