Learn2Live

CuteLittleWife,

I don't want to be mean but I feel the need to tell you that you are having the wool pulled over your eyes. Everything you have posted, I have personally experienced and done, and have read hundreds of threads here on SR of women and men who also have experienced and done exactly what you are posting. And from this vantage point, it is clear to me that you are falling for every trick in the alcoholic, drug-addicted book.

Your feelings, attitude, and words about the other woman are completely understandable. But what is happening is your husband is using HER as the scapegoat and you are buying it. They will do and say anything to divert the attention away from the real problem. Continuing to focus on HER is going to get you right back where this started.

Can you give us any assurance that you will consider doing any thing that has been suggested you do? Such as going to the website that Transformyself recommended? Going to an Al-Anon meeting? Getting yourself tested for STDs? Checking out Codependent No More from your local library? Making an appointment with a counselor or therapist? Requesting a new screen name so that you can get the help you need here anonymously?

BuffaloGal

Having been married to a man with alcoholism and sexual issues...

Please consider protecting your heart as well as your marriage. Because no matter how much you believe one way or another, there are two possibilities:

1. He will cheat and/or lie again, or
2. He won't.

And those choices are his. All the external hope, love and belief in the world won't change who he is.

Alcoholics are not noted for their control over their their impulses, or their ability to tell the truth to themselves, never mind anyone else. My ex did try, very hard. He's not a bad person, and I suspect that he truly hates and is bitterly ashamed of the things his addictions bring him to do. But he hasn't found the strength to confront them, and that's who he is.

I think you referred earlier to your husband's desire to escape from himself-- my former husband had a terrible need to do that as well, and in the end, he escaped from as many good things as bad ones, including our marriage.

Don't underestimate the difficulty of loving someone who doesn't even like himself, never mind love or value himself. I sometimes thought my ex screwed up his life semi-deliberately because he believed, way down, that he did not deserve better. And no amount of my love ever changed his basically self destructive nature, although I loved him in that intense, passionate, give-anything, once-in-a-lifetime way. It wasn't enough. (His new gf loves him that way too... and he still drinks, and he still deceives himself.)

I'm not saying don't hope-- we can't live without hope-- but as you work on healing your marriage, don't replace facing facts with hope and belief. They'll all serve you well, if you keep them where they belong.

gerryP

I understand CLW and I don't want you to feel like you have to be on the defensive. What happened in your marriage was done to you by your husband. You have been through a terrible ordeal.

I believe that some couples can go on after infidelity and have a good marriage, but I think your husband may need to do more than just getting a new sponsor and going to more meetings. Has he considered seeing his Dr. to get a referral to a mental health professional? Perhaps he needs to get to the bottom of where his need to drink and drug comes from. Afterall, he has a child now and can't be a good role model if this continues for one.

I am a recovering alcoholic so i know all about it, believe me. There are reasons why we want to numb out and it's hard work committing to therapy and to be willing to go the distance in making oneseslf whole again.

You are right, your husband can never drink or drug again.Sometimes easier said then done. And as my Pop used to say, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

I really do wish you the best CLW.

cutelittlewife

He is not using her as a scapegoat. He did not say a single word about her unasked. He wants nothing to do with her, he is not blaming her, he just wants her gone out of our lives. He is blaming himself and accepts full responsibility for hurting me so bad.
I am not falling for all the tricks in the book. I am a loving wife who is trying to forgive. I am a human being who's trying to put myself in his shoes and imagine how I would like him to act if I messed up big time and tried to make things right again.
As for your questions - I went to the website, I'm on it now, too. I went to an AlAnon meeting and although I did not like the experience, I am planning on going again. I will not get tested for STDs because I haven't had unprotected sex with him. He is getting tested.
I am seeing a counselor in about 3 hours, and he is seeing his tomorrow.
I don't think I need to change the screenname, he will not come here (he doesn't even know what website this was on).

Learn2Live

OK well I hope you are OK. It is hard to know how a person is when on a website like this. I know what horrible condition I was in when this happened to me, and I didn't have any children! Thanks for letting us know you are doing some of those things. Just a little concerned is all.

transformyself

Hi. Just wondering if you checked out the other website. It's very different from here.

wicked

hello transform,
clw just said she is on the site now.

wow, talk about being triggered, and now i must leave this alone.
sigh...i am sorry clw, you have been hurt and are feeling it.
i came in with judgement.
my experience when my husband cheated had me feeling so bad i could barely breathe.

other members have mentioned about how alcoholics can feel ashamed and unworthy.
sabotage their own good life.

Yes, this was true of me also.
I hope you find support for yourself.

Beth

cutelittlewife

Hi!
I did. It is very different and I can't seem to be able to find someone with a similar issue. Most of the affairs on that website were planned and lasted for at least a few days. I do find their FAQ section really helpful, but don't think I can relate to stories of emotional betrayal and long term affairs.
please don't attack me or what I'm saying, but I do think a drunken mistake is a little easier to move past than a full blown affair. At least for me it is. If he had been leading a double life and sharing his feelings and life with another woman I would have absolutely no will or reason to stay with him another minute. I find this forum more helpful because of the nature of the addiction and people here being affected by drunks.
But thanks for the link, some parts of that site are a good reference for me

cutelittlewife

thanks wicked, your previous post was a little hurtful and I got a feeling you didn't understand me.
When it comes to the girl, I know it wasn't hard for her to move on, she said coming into it she knew it was a one time deal, although she wouldn't mind doing it again. She was doing another guy the next day, so really, I am not worried about her feelings because for her it's not a big deal at all. And I don't mean it in a bad way, those are the choices she's making for herself and isn't really ashamed of them. She's a substance abuser too and doesn't think twice about those things. I can't believe women like this exist, it's beyond me.

transformyself

Thanks for answering.
Go to the Just Found Out section and post what you just told us.
You'll be amazed.

Freedom1990

Hey CLW, sorry it took me so long to get to this thread and respond.

I am a recovering alcoholic/addict, and a recovering codependent (I was married to an alkie/addict, and have a 32 year old daughter active in addiction).

I was the cheater in my first marriage. I was also active in my alcoholism.

He didn't stick around long, and good for him. He divorced me before we had been married 3 years.

I will say this much. I had so much guilt over the pain I had caused him that I never ever cheated again. So the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" can't be a blanket statement, can it?

My second husband was the cheater, and that really drove home for me just how painful it is to the partner who is faithful. I was also actively using/drinking during that second marriage, as was he.

I highly encourage you to start some recovery work for yourself, dear. Consider attending Alanon. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a book I often refer to.

Right now your husband's primary concern should be his sobriety, because without that, the rest is a lost cause.

I drank again after 4 years clean/sober and it was ugly and painful. I was out there for 2 months and was lucky to make it back into recovery alive.

Your husband knows the drill.

There is no excuse for relapse other than we want to get drunk/loaded more than we want recovery.

Take good care of yourself, okay? I hope you continue to post.

tjp613

CLW, I just want to say that you are certainly entitled to handle this situation in any way you see fit. It's pretty clear to me that there are many who have been 'triggered' on this thread and their responses seem harsh (even to me). I hope that you are able to find some balance and take away what is useful to you.

What you are going through, and will continue to go through for a long time, is extremely difficult. Strangers on a message board are not your best source of the help and support you need to navigate through these high waters. You are seeking out counseling and that is the best thing you can do. Now, stick with it and do all you can to keep yourself healthy. ((((Hugs))))

cutelittlewife

Freedom1990!
You have no idea how grateful I am for your post. Everyone here has been so helpful, but I kept getting crushed inside by the percentage of people who decided not to stay in their relationships after the affair and also the percentage of the spouses who cheated again. I was losing all the hope and then you came. I teared up reading your post. Thank you again.
He does know the drill and like I said before, he was sober for 21 months and was the greatest guy and daddy during that time.
And I do admit, I felt guilty for driving him away from meetings by whining that he's never home with me and he likes his AA buddies more. And then his sponsor relapsed and he stopped going altogether. And i was stupid enough to be all ecstatic he was home more...
You know, my only concern is that I don't know what to do when I get the feeling he's more inclined to drink. Like before he relapsed I knew it was coming. I asked him to maybe go to a meeting but he said he didn't want to.
What do I do when this happens? I guess I could call his sponsor to get his ass out to a meeting, right? At that point he didn't have one. He said he'll get an old timer now, his previous sponsor was his buddy and he only had about 2 years on.
Any suggestions?

Shellcrusher

CLW,
I was probably one of the responders who, as tjp613 suggests, was triggered by this thread. It's not my place to get upset about or be triggered by your pain. I was having a codie moment.

It's good to see you asking questions versus covering up and or making excuses for your AH's actions. Those are pretty classic examples of what happens to "us" while we deal with our alcoholic's.

Freedom said it best, "I highly encourage you to start some recovery work for yourself, dear. Consider attending Alanon. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a book I often refer to."

Take that energy you've been putting on the girl he cheated with and focus it on yourself. I try very hard not to label people but in my situation, I've found that gaining a better understanding of what codependency means has helped me grow which indirectly may be helping my AW.

Your AH's recovery is his alone. You're asking what you can do to get him back on the right track and I won't be alone when I say that you can't. All you can do is get yourself on the right track.

Keep posting. I've witnessed a shift in you since you started this thread and this is a good thing.

Freedom1990

I'm glad I could share my experience with you.

As for what you can do if you get that feeling about his inclination to drink, it's not your responsibility. I know that's a tough one to swallow, but I spent years depleting myself trying everything in the book to 'help' my oldest daughter. I nearly lost my mind.

He's an adult. He's responsible for his recovery, including finding an experienced sponsor who will guide him in his journey, attending meetings, working the steps, and carrying the message to others.

You didn't 'drive him away' from meetings, I guarantee. You are just not that powerful! I am the first in a long line of alcoholics on both sides of the family to break the chains of alcoholism, and my other family members, parents included, have not been so happy or supportive over the years of my recovery. That does not stop me from continuing in recovery.

I have not had a significant other for a long time now, and have raised two daughters on my own. My support came from others in recovery, and last August I celebrated 20 years clean/sober. Recovery is possible if you want it badly enough.

You need time to heal from the betrayal of infidelity, and of course his choice to relapse. I know that is painful and frightening. My ex used/drank the day he got out of rehab.

Be gentle with yourself. Take care of you. Have faith in a loving higher power.

cutelittlewife

Thanks Shellcrusher - yes, yours was one of the 'meanest' posts I know you mean well though, so I took it and considered it.
You're right about the shift. Surprisingly, a day can make a huge difference in post-betrayal recovery. Stopping to imagine them together helped a big deal. I was only torturing myself with that and it wasn't going anywhere. Also, the posts about what a bad cheater my hubby dearest is, helped me reassure myself that I love him and will help him stay the wonderful self that he is when he's not drinking. I am mean to him often, but I will defend him from everyone else. I know, I will have to hear about this statement from you guys, but it's true. I know our marriage is worth fighting for because of all the love we have. I also went to confession yesterday in order to try and believe again, I know that AlAnon won't work for me if I don't have a higher power and in my case that could only be God. Maybe that's why I felt out of place at my first meeting. But you're wrong about my energy - none of it was put towards the girl. She's not the problem. I just described her to you so you get the idea and also believe him that they won't 'miss' each other and neither of them cared who the other person was. He was halfconscious and wasn't thinking, she just 'did her thing', whoever was in the room with her. Once again, I don't care about her and both him and I don't talk about her anymore (other than hoping she stay away from his brother.. which I think she will after he told her I knew)

tjp613

In my son's rehab during our "family week" training, they advised us to gently point out that the relapse indicators are present: old people, places and things (triggers), lack of meeting attendance, little or no step work, little or no contact with sponsor, lack of exercise, poor diet, isolation, etc. We also keep our boundaries firm. Beyond that there is little we can do except watch their actions, not listen to their words.

It's not your responsibility to 'get his ass to a meeting'. ("You can't control it.") That's his job.

You are to watch his actions and enforce your boundaries. That's it.

transformyself

if you go to the website I offered, you'll find what you're looking for. There is an entire reconciliation forum

That's enough from me. Good luck

StarCat

You have to do what you feel is right for you and it looks like you already made the decision you'll be happiest with. It also sounds like you clearly lay out your boundaries, and your husband knows where you stand on things, so that will do nothing but help.

My ABF never cheated on me, so I don't know the emotions you are going through, but it sounds like you have been making progress towards resolving this, and that's all you can do.

I wish you the best, and good luck! (((HUGS)))

cutelittlewife

thanks everyone!
I forgot to say that in addition to not playing the sex 'movie' in my head over and over again I also stopped shaking and the chest pains are less frequent. I still can't eat or drink normally, it's like I have no tastebuds anymore. I lost 6 pounds since I found out.
And to be honest, I don't think I will ever forgive him fully, and I most certainly will not forget (I'm not the forgetting type), I just want to give him a second chance, just like I hope he'd give me. I mean, this is the first time in our 7 year relationship that he's effed up big.