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My hubby, my sweetheart, my BFF... he cheated...

Old 01-14-2011, 08:32 AM
  # 121 (permalink)  
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CLW, It doesn't matter what we say to you or whether only 2 people have said he could be faithful or whether we think "once a cheater, always a cheater." Or whether we think porn is acceptable or cocaine, or whether 4 times in one month is too much, or only happened that one month or is related to alcohol or whether the girl he cheated with has a bad reputation or whether she was seduced by your husband or whether she took advantage of him. Or whether his sponsor relapsing drove your husband to drink, use porn, snort coke, and cheat on you. Or whether his having his dream job will cure the stress that caused the relapse...


What matters is what YOU are willing to tolerate in your marriage. You get to decide where you draw the lines.

That includes whether you have a houseguest for a year. You have the ability to tell her that it isn't working out for your family and she will have to stay somewhere else.

You sound bubbly, sweet, naive, and trusting. And very forgiving. All good qualities. We are merely trying to encourage you to be realistic about what you're living with. He's not your BFF if he put another woman between you. He's NOT your bff if he uses cocaine and leaves you in charge of your little girl. He's not the love of your life if he does these awful things to you.

It took me about 12 years to realize this about my (former) BFF, sweet hubby, love-of-my-life. He was a disaster as a husband (even though he was cute and my chidlren love him) and he was taking me down with him.

Your situation may be able to be turned around. I hope so, but please be aware and put yourself and your daughter's well-being first. And that includes well-being that is separate from being in love, appearing happy, and wanting an intact family. My well-being was greatly enhanced when I became honest about what I was dealing with.

I hope you can hear what we are saying to you. We all speak from experience.
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Old 01-14-2011, 08:49 AM
  # 122 (permalink)  
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Good Job!

Originally Posted by cutelittlewife View Post
cabledude - BFF is best friend forever And he remains to be mine. And yes, now I'm definitely encouraging him going to meetings. I realized the other day when he asked 'Would it be ok if I go to a meeting tonight?' - he asked in a way he was expecting me to be mad... like I used to get when he 'abandoned me to go hang out with his alcoholic buddies'. Now it's different, I am all for it.
And thank you for the words of hope and encouragement. This is the second time in those 5 pages that someone says he could be faithful to me for the rest of my life. Thanks.
skippernlilg - thank you as well. I know if at any point in my life I do make the decision to leave him I will have to deal with a lot of crap like selling the house, etc. and people's attention will certainly not help. I also know that there will be many who will support me and that I would be able to count on, including his family members (I know this for a fact, I have spoken to my mother on law before and she said she'd support me whatever I decide). I also know that the attention and shame that I will feel will only be temporary and then I'd have a brand new life and I wouldn't be alone forever.
I never thought of myself even imagining these things, but now that I at least have to consider them, they're less scary.
Your tack in encouraging his meetings is also suggested in the Big Book. Good job!

One day at a Time.

I see on this site, you're getting the ESH (Experience, Strength, and Hope) that we Al-anons live by. This thread does seem to weigh more on the E part...which is helpful.

Here's my E, when it comes to those folks who promise to be behind you 100%. Last week, when RABF (background: RABF was live-in boyfriend with me for 10 years, and I have a 10 year old child from a previous relationship who regards RABF as the only father he's ever known) was refusing to talk about the issues as a family, he drove off. I called RABF's mom to let her know we were not on our way as planned and that I was changing the locks.

She said, "I am behind you 100%. If he tries to come back maybe the best thing is to go ahead and call the police. Maybe that will be a wake up call for him."

I am quoting almost word for word.

One Hour Later... She called me again. Had I heard from him? What's going on? Honey, if he shows up later, just let him in, and then I'll come get him in the morning.

I told her that we'd already done that once, and that was no longer working for me, that I changed the locks, and that the police recommended that I file a formal eviction notice in court the next day.

She paused. She was quiet. Then she said, "I don't know what to say about all that. I'm hanging up with you now."

Yep, she was mad. I thought about it and thought about it. She was upset because she realized she couldn't depend on me to take care of her son like I had anymore. It was in her lap.

I had tried to explain that my abilities were hampered because, while we are considered 'common law' , we are not legally married, and I was limited in my resources when it came to him. Her position was that it's her son, she loves him, and she will not leave him out in the cold.

After a few days, she's cooled off, and she understands more of why I had to do what I did. But that promise of being behind me 100% was more like maybe 70% in our case.

Just sharing my experience, so you do not go into anything with your eyes shaded. You should work on your own health and wellness. Let go, and really, Let God (or HP, wherever you are on that) c011:
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Old 01-14-2011, 08:59 AM
  # 123 (permalink)  
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Thank you for your post Stella. Especially this:

Originally Posted by stella27 View Post
...It doesn't matter what we say to you ... What matters is what YOU are willing to tolerate in your marriage. You get to decide where you draw the lines. ...That includes whether you have a houseguest for a year. ... be realistic about what you're living with. ...It took me about 12 years to realize this about my (former) BFF, sweet hubby, love-of-my-life. He was a disaster as a husband (even though he was cute and my chidlren love him) and he was taking me down with him. ... My well-being was greatly enhanced when I became honest about what I was dealing with.
I needed to hear these things today.
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Old 01-14-2011, 09:05 AM
  # 124 (permalink)  
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stella - I don't think he's thinking much about me when he's doing those things. I don't think he's really doing them to me, he's doing them to himself. He's not happy when he does them and I know he feels like c**p. That doesn't matter though. He is my BFF and deserves a second chance.
As for the houseguest - she originally asked if she could live with us for a while. I said yes, I had no idea what a while was. Turned out to be a year, and then she asked if she can stay longer. Sure. She's a young girl fresh out of college trying to start her adult life in a big city. We're trying to help her. I think if I get pregnant at the end of this year she'll realize she should start looking for a place, since I will need that other bedroom. And please don't say getting someone out of my house is not a reason to have a child, I know you guys tend to misinterpret my posts a lot.
And believe me, I am by no means naive and trusting. I can't stress that enough, I know you won't believe this and I will keep reading it, but I really am not. I've always been more mature than my peers and I've grown up fast and 'learned life'. I've never fully trusted anyone. Well, my Dad. Other than that, I never let my guard down.

skipper - wow, that must have been tough. See, my H suffered a severe brain injury at a very young age (car accident) and almost died. He was then evaluated by neurologists and they made his mother aware, that the area in his brain that was affected by the injury might make him succeptable to addictions. He started drinking shortly after, and she used to go to AlAnon and therapy. So she understands what I'm going through and keeps saying I need to do what's best for me and my daughter.
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Old 01-14-2011, 09:13 AM
  # 125 (permalink)  
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I won't misrepresent your post if you won't anticipate what I would say. I would not think that you would have a baby to get someone out of your house. That would be stupid, and I don't think you are.
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Old 01-14-2011, 09:18 AM
  # 126 (permalink)  
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lol thank you stella.
I'm just preventing what happened before: I was asked what I thought triggered his relapse, I replied and then was told I was making up excuses for him.
I really hope we'll figure it out, I want that second child for the sake of my daughter, I don't want a big age difference between my children and I want her to have a sibling.
I want to be sure though going into that pregnancy that we've figured stuff out and are well on our way to recovery.
Hey, should I get an Alanon sponsor? How does this work? I think we're going to an AA/Alanon mtg tonight. I hope it goes better than the first one I went to and the creepy girl isn't there
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Old 01-14-2011, 09:34 AM
  # 127 (permalink)  
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My experience with Al-anon was a rocky start. I went to a few meetings until I found one that 'fit'.

Once I was there, I learned that they recommened that I attend at least 6 meetings before trying to find a sponsor. I've attended more than 6 now, and I'm looking around for a sponsor. I still don't really 'know' anyone quite well enough in my estimation to ask them to be my sponsor. It might be a self-limiting thing, but I'll keep going until the answer is clear.

I'm glad to hear you're going!!
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Old 01-14-2011, 09:39 AM
  # 128 (permalink)  
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I think my main problem with AlAnon is that I'm not a whiner. I'm not saying that AlAnon people are, but I've always been a cold, tough girl, and I'm used to dealing with my problems in my own head. The idea of openly admitting to having issues is really difficult for me. I've always been the one listening to others' problems and helping them find solutions.
I will try though, if this can help in my H's recovery. Also, I'm quite new to the neighborhood, we just bought a house 2 years ago, so maybe I can meet people that way.
You know, with a little baby and all, I think going to those 6 meetings can take me months...
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Old 01-14-2011, 09:42 AM
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there's never been whining at the meetings I've gone to. Someone reads a passage and then each member talks about a way he or she applies that concept. the tone has always been very positive and not self-pitying.
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Old 01-14-2011, 10:12 AM
  # 130 (permalink)  
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More Support and Hope

Originally Posted by cutelittlewife View Post
I think my main problem with AlAnon is that I'm not a whiner. I'm not saying that AlAnon people are, but I've always been a cold, tough girl, and I'm used to dealing with my problems in my own head. The idea of openly admitting to having issues is really difficult for me. I've always been the one listening to others' problems and helping them find solutions.
I will try though, if this can help in my H's recovery. Also, I'm quite new to the neighborhood, we just bought a house 2 years ago, so maybe I can meet people that way.
You know, with a little baby and all, I think going to those 6 meetings can take me months...
I think I know what you're talking about. I get impatient with hearing other people whine, and I often wonder why they won't do something to make their situation better. I hold myself to that same standard.

Thing is, I haven't experienced that at any of my Al-anon meetings. We have one facilitator who makes it clear to focus on The Solution. So we do.

I'm concerned that you think you should go to Al-anon to help 'his' recovery. Al-anon will be a way for YOU to get through this. Really, it's for you. You get to do things for YOU!! It's an amazing freedom when you grasp that.

I understand the time crunch with a little one. I'm a single mom who works full time, goes to school full time, and it was much harder when my child was little. My parents and brothers all live more than 500 miles away, so I had to create a whole new back up system. I learned that I'm not much good at all those other things, like being a mom, working, or going to school (and even being a good girlfriend for my RABF), unless I take care of myself first. God (or HP) provides the Quality time, even if we think we don't have the quantity.
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Old 01-14-2011, 10:23 AM
  # 131 (permalink)  
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Thanks skipperlilg. I'm not sure if I explain it correctly, but me going to AlAnon is closely tied to my husband. If it weren't for him, I would not go.
What I want from AlAnon is help me understand the alcoholic and find out what I can do to help facilitate his sobriety.
When it comes to my life, I am perfectly happy, when, of course, he's not drinking. I'm successful at work, I'm a good mommy, I don't have a problem concentrating on me and my needs, I find time for my facials, massages, etc. I know what to do to relax and to be happy and I am.
I bet you'll tell me that's not what it's about, so I'm all ears
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Old 01-14-2011, 10:26 AM
  # 132 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by skippernlilg View Post
I'm concerned that you think you should go to Al-anon to help 'his' recovery. Al-anon will be a way for YOU to get through this. Really, it's for you. You get to do things for YOU!! It's an amazing freedom when you grasp that.
I don't think it matters so much why someone goes to AlAnon.
As long as they find a good AlAnon group to attend, they'll soon realign why they keep going.
I have seen people going out of spite and jealousy, even - "Well, you're going to get drunk/go to your AA meeting/whatever, than I'm going to AlAnon, what do you say about that?!?!?" By the end of the meeting even they're so much more relaxed and making plans for attending another.
It's like one of those little "coin funnel" things. You drop your coin in, and it keeps circling the outside around and around but always circling and drawing closer to the point of the exercise until it drops into the middle.
I believe that eventually a person will find the right meeting(s) and the right people and the right purpose for them, even though it may take awhile.
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Old 01-14-2011, 10:28 AM
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For the record. When I used the word "excuses", that had absolutely nothing to do with you, but more the fact that addicts and alcoholics use "reasons" or "triggers" to excuse (see, excuses!) 'relapsing' or getting smashed again. You're right on, if you truly accept and believe what you said, he drank/f'd another woman/snorted cocaine/watched porn.. because he wanted to. Totally his right, and his choice!
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Old 01-14-2011, 10:36 AM
  # 134 (permalink)  
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That's true. If it weren't for the alcoholics and the addicts in our lives, we wouldn't even know anything about Al-anon. Al-anon was actually created after AA, so there ya go.

"helping facilitate his sobriety". ....see, that's his job, and the job of his sponsor, and the work of his program.

What you can do is understand how the program works, sure! Al-anon's tenants are closely based on the same principles as outlined in AA. I have found lots of compassion and understanding since starting my program. If you went back a few months, here, I posted some really mad posts about our situation! So, I've changed. For the Better.

And that's where the dynamic of my relationship with RABF will, hopefully, change. But that's not the key to my change. It's helping me in all aspects of my life. I feel more confident, and I didn't even think I had an issue with confidence.

I can be happy whether RABF is drinking or not. Of course, it's mostly because I don't have to witness it right now. He is at his mother's. And he may or may not be drinking. I don't really know for sure. We're at the Don't Ask, Don't Tell portion of this. When I'm ready to talk about blending our lives more, then we will talk about that, I suppose. I get to say what I'm ready for now, and it's wonderful!

So this is MY program. I am sharing it with RABF with my actions, but learning in my program that I don't have to ask him about his, really at all. Sometimes, we talk about whether he's in a program at all, and I don't think he is, but, again, that's not mine to fret over.



>>>>I love it that you get facials and massages!! I could do that after I get off this student budget....

What I think you will gain from your Al-anon meetings are:

resources, like books, people to contact, and certain tenants, meditations.

You will have your opportunity to bond with your Primary Relationship, your HP, and then everything else falls into place.

You will learn more about how to love your alcoholic with a little bit of distance, which sometimes helps you get some clarity on the whole picture.

You will learn how to give yourself a break, that you're not responsible for every little thing he does or even how your family will be led.
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Old 01-14-2011, 11:25 AM
  # 135 (permalink)  
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smacked - those excuses are things I noticed , or rather kept noticing as they were happening and I couldn't help wondering 'how much of this can he take, especially without a sponsor'. He never blames anyone, but himself. Not even his buddy (whom I can't stand) who reappeared in his life after 10 years and I think directly triggered the sh*tstorm. He drinks a lot and does coke on a regular basis and although I got my H to confess he gave him coke and the A happened at his place, my H keeps saying that it was he himself who made the decision to do those things, although heavily drunk and impaired judgment, but still, only he's the one to blame. And I agree.

skippernlilg - absolutely. I'll give Alanon another shot. I just wish they weren't so 'preachy' and didn't nod their heads and have that 'goody goody' looks on their faces. It doesn't seem real and totally not my choice of a crowd. But again - I'll give them another chance, I know they mean well.
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Old 01-14-2011, 11:35 AM
  # 136 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cutelittlewife View Post
As for the houseguest - she originally asked if she could live with us for a while. I said yes, I had no idea what a while was. Turned out to be a year, and then she asked if she can stay longer. Sure. She's a young girl fresh out of college trying to start her adult life in a big city. We're trying to help her.
Who is more important at this point in time, your house guest or YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE. Seems like having this house guest present is preventing you from fully addressing the seriousness of the issues facing YOUR marriage.
You said you can't talk openly because she is the operator for information out to the rest of the family and you don't want anyone knowing your problems.

A built in excuse NOT to fully address this issue. I'd be thinking of giving her a couple weeks notice, not a year.
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Old 01-14-2011, 11:52 AM
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atalose I absolutely see your point. It's quite awkward, I agreed to her moving in before I knew for how long. It doesn't help that she confronts me about everything I do, like 'where are you going?' 'H is not home yet? where is he?' It's seriously annoying, but because she's family and her father is great, we put up with this. She's the reason I don't want my daughter to be an only child haha.
Fortunately, when I found out about the A she wasn't home for a few days, so we got to talk and I got to cry for hours without being interrogated.
At this point what our marriage needs is my H never drinking again, and that is it. Whether she's living with us or not, he needs to stop drinking and noone can make it happen or prevent it from happening, just him.
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Old 01-14-2011, 12:12 PM
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Wow, this thread reminds me so much of Callie's history in F&F substance abuse forum.

CLMI
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Old 01-14-2011, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by catlovermi View Post
Wow, this thread reminds me so much of Callie's history in F&F substance abuse forum.

CLMI
which one? I read a thread by callie212 but it seems completely different... I'll keep looking, unless you can just send me a link please?
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Old 01-14-2011, 12:36 PM
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are the two of you going to continue in counseling?
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