cutelittlewife

Yes. I am going to at least 2 more sessions and he is starting his next week. We decided to go with separate counseling because the priority is him getting substance abuse counseling. We both feel pretty strongly that we will work out our marriage issues amongst us as long as he stays sober and drug free.

You guys are great. My internet friends :

catlovermi

Callie, not callie212. Hers is a long history, but worth backing up to the beginning and following. Don't know if this will work, but here's a list of her threads.

You might not see similarities now, but I'd bet you will 5 years from now.

CLMI

cutelittlewife

catlover... i'll see similarities in 5 years? a lost broken marriage and alcohol/ drugs winning? Wow, talk about hope, huh...

Jazzman

OK I think I'll come back to this epic thread now. CLW you're a hoot. Wonder what your second thread will be like?
*Jazz shakes head*
This is the most common noobie question of loved ones of alcoholics, to learn about alcoholism and how to fix it, (paraphrased). I bet we've a'll asked it at one point. Here's a post from the "best of section" that I like to share with newcomers that (IMO) actually lays out the blue print for obtaining the answers to your questions. I followed each step as though my own sanity depended upon it:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2051022

I hope it helps you as much as it did me.

catlovermi

The outcome may be different. The details, also. But the relationship dynamics are similar.

And, although you don't want to believe it, there are universal things to this monster called addiction that come into play.

As much as we all want to believe we are the exception, it simply doesn't work that way. Before you close your mind, take a read, maybe ask Callie if you remind her of herself... see what she has to say.

I don't suggest these things lightly, there is much potential usefulness in the comparison.

CLMI

cutelittlewife

catlover - I think the main, and probably quite significant, difference is that her husband denied having a problem and was not willing to fix it.
Everyone keeps telling me and I also realize that only the alcoholic/ drug addict can make the decision to stop abusing.
I think the fact that my husband was able to stay sober for almost 2 years and is back in the program and very serious about it is very crucial here.
You can shake your heads or try to make me believe I'm in denial, but I still have hope we'll go through this and come out victorious.


Jazzman - thank you for the link, it's very similar to what I read in the Alanon booklets and book. I judge by you shaking head that you also don't give my marriage much hope... Sorry to hear that.

Jazzman

No no... I don't mean that, just there are not many 1st threads that take twists and turns like yours! You've made quite an impression! LOL!!

cutelittlewife

haha i know, I thought drama like this only happened on Lifetime, which I'm not a huge fan of in the first place. I don't feel comfortable with drama and want it to go away.

:jazzhands:

KittyP

Al-Anon isn't really about that, it's more about you. However there are alternative/complimentary programmes which you could look into. Maybe take a look at the CRAFT Program (Community Reinforcement Approach and Family Training). It's the part of SMART Recovery, another type of addiction treatment, which is for the loved ones of addicts. Afaik, there aren't any/many real life meetings, but they have online meetings at set times which are run by a counsellor.

catlovermi

If you force your focus on the differences, you will fail to see the critical similarities. It is in the similarities where the answers to your real questions will be found.

CLMI

Alexis0000

I have been through this. i say have him prove to you that he deserves you. Don't just give in and take him back and let him think he got away with it.

FindingPeace1

Welcome, CLW and kudos to you for hanging in through all this tough talk!


Alanon (and this forum) have taught me about boundaries and checking in with my self.

I have heard you say your husband is your sweetheart and BFF and this is the first time he has effed up in a big way...

and I have heard you say your husband abuses alcohol, sometimes cocaine, has lied to you (more than once?), has cheated and (struggled with an addiction when he?) uses pornography.
I've heard you say you don't trust him and don't know when you will.
I've heard you say you feel you *need* to believe to feel sane and make the marriage work.

I believe you don't need to trust automatically.
I believe you will survive whether he cheats or lies again or not.
I believe it is wise to trust... when it is warranted based on solid action and not because it is scary not to (although it IS scary not to!)

So I hear some mixed messages.
And in my experience, I loved my AH so much, I wanted to see him for his greatness. The problem was I tended to overlook reality because I wanted to believe so badly. This is VERY deeply ingrained in me and VERY challenging to really see happening.
You are sticking around (yea), so that is great!
You have a lot of people with experience in this arena telling you the same thing - there are red flags.
So, although it doesn't feel true, consider that people *may* be on to something and just try on their perspective (and drop it if it doesn't fit).

AND your husband may be moving in a great direction (I hope so! That would be wonderful).

In the meantime, this list of concerns above...
Are those things okay with you?
When you mentally remove yourself from THIS situation...
Where are your boundaries?

I ask because your live in roomie seems a good example.
I hear you saying she makes you feel uncomfortable. She interrogates you. She doesn't keep your privacy and she is there longer than you wanted.
It seems it would be a good time to set a boundary and say she needs to move out.

You counteract that saying that she is family and she is trying to get on her feet...
those are the things a previous poster labeled as "excuses".
Because all those *reasons* are irrelevant.
Your self-care is as stake and those *reasons* are getting in the way of you taking care of YOUR needs.
Your needs matter.
Same thing with your husband.
His *reasons* are irrelevant.
Your self-care is at stake.

So back to my question.
Are the list of things that make you uncomfortable acceptable to you?
And if no, how can you set boundaries to care for yourself?

Hugs in this hard time,
Peace

suki44883

FindingPeace1 nailed it!!!

kia

hiya sorry just had something in here al anon is not for u to help sort out the drinker its purely there to help u and sort out your problems and u only relise what problems u truely have once u go there but i truly think it will be the best thing u ever do cos slowly things will start to make more sense my al anon friends are like my extended family now i love em all to bits and have always felt so welcome maybe also try open AA meetings if u wanna get into their way of thinking but not with your husband maybe tray another one if u can its interesting hearing it from their side as well but think one of the al ano sayings is u fix your side of the street and they fix theirs works much better that way hope it helps u xxxxkia

NYCDoglvr

***I do believe he never wanted this to happen, which doesn't seem to change the fact he couldn't control himself... He called that girl to ask her what happened. It bothers me that he's been lying to me about his substance abuse - he relapsed about a month ago, went out for drinks and hid it from me, says he was ashamed he was drinking after 21 months of sobriety.***

I'm so sorry you're going through this painful situation. Getting drunk and going into a blackout is no excuse for what he did. We all make choices ... picking up a drink is a choice as is not drinking.

24Years

WOW…bravo, courageous, strong, forward, open minded all come to mind while reading your posts cutelittlewife. I admire this in you. You will continue to go far with these impressive qualities. Just wanted you to know that I am impressed with how you have handled this forum. I like your user name as well.

((((hugs)))) and best wishes
24Years a/k/a cuteBIGwife [kidding]

cutelittlewife

24years - thank you for your kind words. Means a lot. Also, if your nickname means what I think it means - yay! there's hope
FindingPeace - absolutely, I hear what you're saying. I see how I can come across as an unassertive little girl who lets people stomp on my personal space and all. That's not true. Having someone live with my husband and I also means we can go out after the baby goes to sleep and she'll stay home. This is really handy especially now with all the meetings we're supposed to go to. And also she stay in her room most of the time, so it's not as bad as I made it sound. It's true though abut the privacy, but you can't have it all, right?

So I've done some more thinking (no surprise here, huh?) about what happened. And you know what my conclusion is? If this horrible event was what was needed for my husband to realize just how bad his addiction is, and if that's what it took for him to never in his life pick up another drink - I am willing to live with it. I now see it as a 'wake up call' for him. He himself said that the fact he was able to do something like this to me and our marriage makes him absolutely loathe alcohol and the idea of putting himself in that position again is unthinkable.
We'll see. This reasoning I came up with gives me hope and comfort I need.
Also, the Serenity Prayer - I think it's the wisest words to live by ever written. I can't believe I've never known them before. I've been applying the prayer to all aspects of my life over the past 2 weeks and I'm noticing a difference already. I'm finally able to LET GO of things I can't control. It's so freeing!

wicked

another little thing about alcohol. it is cunning baffling and oh my god, is it powerful.
saying he will NEVER pick up again is a mistake.
i have over 14 years.
one day at a time.
at first, it could be one hour or one minute at a time.
there was time before he ramped up to his use.
the relapse happens in the head way before we pick up.

Beth

cutelittlewife

thanks wicked. The thing is that he has to never drink again in order for me to stay with him. If he does - that won't be my problem anymore. I realize he will be doing it one day at a time, but the bottom line is - it's me or booze, this time for real. I feel so strong and free, for some reason.
Have I told you you guys are great?

Lushwell

In following this thread, I have concluded one very significant point:

The drunk in question here? Married "up". Way up.