Blogs


Notices

My hubby, my sweetheart, my BFF... he cheated...

Old 01-10-2011, 08:10 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 52
Unhappy My hubby, my sweetheart, my BFF... he cheated...

I still can't believe this. My husband of 5 years, the father of my baby, cheated on me. I went away with my daughter and he relapsed, got drunk with some people from work, and cheated. With the loosest girl I have ever met. Apparently they also did coke and it sort of happened. He didn't remember it afterwards and says he never had any intention of doing it. Not even that night, before it happened.
He didn't tell me himself, I found out, read his chat records with her. I found out almost a week ago and I can't come to terms with it. I can't stop picturing them together, naked, kissing (he says he doesn't remember ever making out, but she said he was a good kisser)... I get panic attacks, chest pains, I can't concentrate. I'm out of tears.
I love him to death and I am willing to work to fix this marriage. I am really worried that he will lie again, although he says he won't...
How do I forget? Is a drunken/stoned affair easier to forget? I know there were no feelings involved... he removed her number from his cell without me asking, he defriended her on fb, says they will never speak again.
Before this happened, he had been sober for 21 months. He's back in the program now, but how do I know he won't relapse again and do this?
We were planning another baby in September this year...
cutelittlewife is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to cutelittlewife For This Useful Post:
Carol Star (01-11-2011), seekingcalm (01-11-2011), wow1323 (01-10-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 08:25 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,523
Big big big hugs to you, first of all. I haven't been where you are, but from friends who have, I have heard exactly what you're saying: The images flashing before your eyes, the incredible sense of betrayal, and a need to know exactly what happened.

I don't know how you get over it. I know that you can never know that it won't happen again -- that it will have to be a leap of faith. And that only you can know if you have that faith and the willingness to work on it.

I know you know this, but I'm going to say it anyway: You know that none of this has anything to do with you, right?
lillamy is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to lillamy For This Useful Post:
kudzujean (01-13-2011), seekingcalm (01-11-2011), sesh (01-14-2011), SteppingUp (01-10-2011), wicked (01-10-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 08:40 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
 
barb dwyer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 10,944
Blog Entries: 7
hi CLW and welcome to the forum.

I'm very sorry for the reasons that brought you here,
and I hope you find the support you need.

I can tell you that as a blackout drunk
you wake up in a lot of places
you never intended to wake up in.

You do a lot of things
that you wake up after
and are horrified to learn.

You hurt a lot of people
you never EVER would have hurt
had you remained conscious...

that said -
when *I* had a blackout
I removed myself from the situation
as quickly as possible.
And engaging in chat roooms
is not distancing yourself.

I know about being utterly devastated
by a spouse's actions.
One fine day back in the eighties
I received a phone call at work.
It was the local sheriff...
my (then) husband had been caught
and had confessed to molesting
eighteen children.

So I know about crumbling worlds.
AND - I know the damage that can happen
if you don't have support in real life.

Have you thought about finding
a support group in your area?


Again, welcome to SR
and welcome to the forum.
barb dwyer is offline  
The Following 19 Users Say Thank You to barb dwyer For This Useful Post:
Chloe03 (01-20-2011), craven (01-10-2011), iamchange08 (01-20-2011), jamdls (01-11-2011), katie44 (01-31-2011), kilt (01-11-2011), kudzujean (01-13-2011), Live (01-10-2011), naive (01-10-2011), nodaybut2day (01-11-2011), Opivotal (01-12-2011), PurpleWilder (01-11-2011), seekingcalm (01-11-2011), tanyapmc (01-18-2011), ToBeSerene (01-10-2011), Today Is All I Have (01-20-2011), westbank (01-10-2011), wicked (01-10-2011), wow1323 (01-10-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 09:02 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Chaotically Peaceful
 
vujade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Oddly, I was just going back through the forum history and left off on reading a post about my XAH's affair.

Be kind to yourself. Know that you are beautiful and worthy and it had nothing to do with YOU. This is all very new and you are going through a process of grieving. It is hard to think of anything but what you have just learned. It's the perfect time for you to find some support and turn to others for comfort and kindness so you can make decisions about the path you wish to take.

((HUGS)) I know you are feeling so much pain right now. Please be kind to yourself.
vujade is offline  
The Following 12 Users Say Thank You to vujade For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (01-10-2011), bookwyrm (01-10-2011), craven (01-10-2011), iloveme (01-10-2011), Live (01-10-2011), Opivotal (01-12-2011), PurpleWilder (01-11-2011), seekingcalm (01-11-2011), skippernlilg (01-12-2011), SteppingUp (01-10-2011), wicked (01-10-2011), wow1323 (01-10-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 09:06 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Abnormally normal
 
simplyfab's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
I'm in your husbands shoes in my relationship. I didn't have a physical encounter, but it was just as bad.
One day I came home from a family party completely drunk and sat in the living room and had phone sex w/ an ex boyfriend. With my fiance in the other room.
I don't even remember how it started. That whole night is still a blurr.
Needless to say, he was devestated.
I was so caught up in my drinking that I didn't stop texting my ex. and in my drunken stooper, I'd pass out and he'd read all the msgs.
My situation happened over a small period of time, not once like yours.
But I say that I'm in your husbands shoes because I know how it feels to do the unthinkable to the people you love because of your alcoholism. I NEVER would have done the hurtful things I've done to him if I wasn't an alcoholic.
Being sober now..(3 months) and thinking back on what I've done...it gives me knots in my stomach. I literally feel physical pain because I know thats not me. I'm not that person.
We were supposed to be forever, and I tore us apart.

At the end of the day, its what you can bare. He gave me so many chances and I messed up everytime. (w/ staying sober)
But he's your husband and you have a family.
Ask yourself if your family is worth a second chance.
I know its hard and seems unfair because it wasn't you who cheated, so why are you left w/ the decision, but being a drunk alcoholic is sometimes like being a selfish kid. We make impulse decisions, don't think about the consequences or who its gonna hurt and only do what makes us happy and don't remember half of the stuff.
If he's serious about getting help..that step one.
And steps are all you have right now. So alot of time and patience.
He gave me chances and I blew 'em.
I hope your husband wakes up before he destroys how you see him and the respect you have for him. (If any left)
Best wishes to you both.
simplyfab is offline  
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to simplyfab For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (01-10-2011), iamchange08 (01-20-2011), Live (01-10-2011), marni (01-10-2011), seekingcalm (01-11-2011), Sonne (12-29-2011), splendra (01-10-2011), SteppingUp (01-10-2011), ToBeSerene (01-10-2011), vujade (01-10-2011), wicked (01-10-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 09:11 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 52
Thank you all

Hi,

Thanks so much for reading my message, I can't believe someone actually did. Thank you for your words of support.
I do believe he never wanted this to happen, which doesn't seem to change the fact he couldn't control himself... He called that girl to ask her what happened. It bothers me that he's been lying to me about his substance abuse - he relapsed about a month ago, went out for drinks and hid it from me, says he was ashamed he was drinking after 21 months of sobriety. He seems very serious about the program now, but then again, so he was 22 months ago...

In real life, he went to confession, he's going to the meetings, he scheduled an appointment with a substance abuse counselor.

As for me, I went to an Al-Anon meeting but there are things I will not agree with. I can't stop thinking about him when he's out, I can't leave him , I vowed in front of God to be with him for better or worse. Also, at the meeting I went to, I was cornered by 4 women and spoken to for over an hour after the meeting. A LOT to take when you're devastated and crying...
Also, I am seeing a counselor tomorrow to help with grieving.

I came to this forum looking for support and understanding, reassurance that I'm not a weak sucker who can't dump his sorry alcoholic cheating ass but keeps trying to forgive...
cutelittlewife is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to cutelittlewife For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (01-10-2011), Carol Star (01-11-2011), Live (01-10-2011), seekingcalm (01-11-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 09:21 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
 
barb dwyer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 10,944
Blog Entries: 7
I hope
that you won't take the actions of one group
Also, at the meeting I went to, I was cornered by 4 women and spoken to for over an hour after the meeting. A LOT to take when you're devastated and crying...
as the 'status quo' for the organization.

You may have just not found the right group yet.

There could be something through your church
there could be something through counseling you'll find
that will help.

Thing I'm trying to say is -
outside support OTHER than your AH
is a very very good thing.

I wish I'd known about it at the time.
barb dwyer is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to barb dwyer For This Useful Post:
Live (01-10-2011), skippernlilg (01-12-2011), wicked (01-10-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 09:36 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Chaotically Peaceful
 
vujade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by cutelittlewife View Post
I came to this forum looking for support and understanding, reassurance that I'm not a weak sucker who can't dump his sorry alcoholic cheating ass but keeps trying to forgive...
Let me reinforce this...You are NOT a weak sucker who can't dump his sorry, alcoholic, cheating ass. You are a wife. You are a mother. You are woman who is in love with an alcoholic. That doesn't make you weak. Heck...most of us have got to be strong beyond belief to endure some of the stuff we've dealt with. Infidelity doesn't have to be the end of a marriage. Relapse doesn't have to be the end of a marriage. But that is for YOU to decide. Not anyone at AlAnon. Not family. Not a friend. Not us.

I'm glad to hear that you are going to talk with a counselor. It will give you a chance to focus on YOU and YOUR feelings. One step at a time!
vujade is offline  
The Following 15 Users Say Thank You to vujade For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (01-10-2011), craven (01-10-2011), Eight Ball (01-11-2011), freefalling (01-11-2011), iloveme (01-10-2011), kilt (01-11-2011), lillamy (01-10-2011), Live (01-10-2011), marni (01-10-2011), naive (01-10-2011), seekingcalm (01-11-2011), sesh (01-14-2011), simplyfab (01-10-2011), skippernlilg (01-12-2011), ToBeSerene (01-10-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 09:39 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Chaotically Peaceful
 
vujade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post
outside support OTHER than your AH
is a very very good thing.
Oooh. Such a great point! I wasn't able to find forgiveness until I looked to someone other than him for answers (mostly...me).
vujade is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to vujade For This Useful Post:
alwaysthinking2 (01-13-2011), barb dwyer (01-10-2011), freefalling (01-11-2011), Live (01-10-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 09:47 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
splendra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,588
Blog Entries: 3
Originally Posted by cutellittlewife
but how do I know he won't relapse again and do this?
Sad thing is is that you don't nobody can guarentee this not even him. The real question is are you willing to take that risk? It is your heart not his.
splendra is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to splendra For This Useful Post:
freefalling (01-11-2011), kudzujean (01-13-2011), Ladybug0130 (01-10-2011), Live (01-10-2011), ToBeSerene (01-10-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 09:49 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
MyBetterWorld's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
[QUOTE=cutelittlewife;2825166]Hi,

Also, at the meeting I went to, I was cornered by 4 women and spoken to for over an hour after the meeting. A LOT to take when you're devastated and crying...


Please don't give up on Alanon because of one bad experience. Is there maybe a different meeting that you can try?
MyBetterWorld is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to MyBetterWorld For This Useful Post:
kia (01-12-2011), kudzujean (01-13-2011), Live (01-10-2011), skippernlilg (01-12-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 09:51 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: ft. lauderdale florida
Posts: 275
Hi I am so sorry


I will pray...
wow1323 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to wow1323 For This Useful Post:
Live (01-10-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 10:09 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 52
Thank you all so much, I really appreciate you helping me through this as I'm trying to clean up my thought process.
You know, another thing that bothers me is that he met with her again, a week after they had sex. He tells me he felt so horrible about what he'd done and thought seeing her would make things better, he'd get some explanations, he says he really had no idea why he met with her... All he knows is that he did not want to sleep with her again. They smoked pot and drank and then it was really awkward and she went home. They talked on a chat the day after and he kept telling her he did not want to do anything that day, just see her and clear his head. She expressed interest in sleeping with him again and he delicately blew her off. They haven't spoken since then.
Do any of you think this is believable? I've never cheated on anyone, I don't know what goes through the mind of a cheater. After a drunken/high one night stand, could seeing the person make things better? He says it was a way of a 'goodbye', he had no intention of ever seeing her again.
My brain will explode.
cutelittlewife is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to cutelittlewife For This Useful Post:
Live (01-10-2011), naive (01-10-2011), splendra (01-10-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 11:05 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
I Love Who I Am
 
transformyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Blog Entries: 2
You know, another thing that bothers me is that he met with her again, a week after they had sex. He tells me he felt so horrible about what he'd done and thought seeing her would make things better, he'd get some explanations, he says he really had no idea why he met with her... All he knows is that he did not want to sleep with her again. They smoked pot and drank and then it was really awkward and she went home. They talked on a chat the day after and he kept telling her he did not want to do anything that day, just see her and clear his head. She expressed interest in sleeping with him again and he delicately blew her off. They haven't spoken since then.
Do any of you think this is believable?
No. Hell no. He's fooling you so he can keep seeing her.

Why is he still talking to her? He should be kissing his cute little wifes a$$ in order to save his marriage. You're working on forgiveness and healing and he's hanging out with the woman he slept with.

This website will help. It did for me. You'll be STUNNED by the similiarities in ALL affairs. It's like they're all handed a cheaters handbook to work out of.
SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

I'm very sorry, but if you don't protect yourself no one will. My advice is you cannot trust him right now. He's having an affair and unless he goes no contact with her, opens up his email and phone to you and sends her a letter saying he will not speak with her again and is trying to heal his marriage, there's no way he's done.
transformyself is offline  
The Following 14 Users Say Thank You to transformyself For This Useful Post:
atalose (01-10-2011), bookwyrm (01-10-2011), Chloe03 (01-20-2011), dognut (01-20-2011), freefalling (01-11-2011), hopingforlife (01-19-2011), iloveme (01-11-2011), kilt (01-11-2011), kudzujean (01-13-2011), Live (01-10-2011), seekingcalm (01-11-2011), smacked (01-10-2011), ToBeSerene (01-10-2011), wicked (01-10-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 11:14 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 52
interesting turn of events

So listen what just went down.
She IMd him and he told me about it immediately. He told her I knew, and that it was a mistake and that he loves me to pieces and it would have never happened if it wasn't for alcohol. She was quite upset he told me, she is afraid I will want to confront her or beat her up. Good thing I have more class than that, who does those things?
He asked her to stay away from his brother (yes, she is seeing his little brother now) and our family.
They said their goodbyes and she's gone forever.
Should I email her not to worry since I have no intention of taking it out on her? Probably not, huh. I'm glad she knows I know, the first time my husband proved I mean more to him.

Also, I've always had access to his email account and facebook and cell phone, so I know it wasn't planned and I read the conversations. He even asked me to read the one that just happened.
cutelittlewife is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to cutelittlewife For This Useful Post:
Live (01-10-2011), skippernlilg (01-12-2011), transformyself (01-10-2011), wicked (01-10-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 11:18 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Today is a New Day
 
StarCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
You have to decide what you are willing to live with.
I would say, if he continues to talk to her, that is a violation of trust, even if "nothing else happens".
Also, make sure in your feelings against her that you don't lose track of your husband's part in this. Not saying not to forgive him - that's up to you - but you do have to remember that he is no saint and is not blameless. Even if he was drunk and drugged and doesn't remember what happened, it was certainly consensual at the time, and he decided to get drunk and high in the presence of temptation as well.
StarCat is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to StarCat For This Useful Post:
cutelittlewife (01-10-2011), kudzujean (01-13-2011), wicked (01-10-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 11:30 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 52
Oh I absolutely know that. I was going to email her to let her know to not be afraid I will make her a scene or something when I see her. I don't really care what she does with her life because I am not married to her. My husband is the one who betrayed me, not her.
Should I email her to tell her that? I thought, if one of us can have peace of mind... why not?
cutelittlewife is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to cutelittlewife For This Useful Post:
Live (01-10-2011), skippernlilg (01-12-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 11:34 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Heathen
 
smacked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Blog Entries: 1
He tells me he felt so horrible about what he'd done and thought seeing her would make things better, he'd get some explanations, he says he really had no idea why he met with her
He met with her because he wanted to meet with her. Period.

They smoked pot and drank and then it was really awkward and she went home.
So, not only did he get f'd up and cheat on you with her.. he met her again, and got f'd up again. That makes absolutely no sense.

After a drunken/high one night stand, could seeing the person make things better? He says it was a way of a 'goodbye', he had no intention of ever seeing her again.
This also makes absolutely no sense. What did he need to say 'goodbye' to? Did he need closure (laugh..)? He saw her again to let her know he didn't want to see her again?

Why is she still able to "IM" him? He loves you to pieces, and it wouldn't have happened if he wasn't drunk.. but he's seen her since, drank with her since, and still gets messages from her. I'm sorry.. but I don't see how he's proved you mean more to him than her. That's probably true, but to be honest.. he sounds like he's still scrambling and juggling things. I wouldn't email her, that's totally misplaced energy. The person who hurt you (unforgivably in my world) is your husband.

I agree with the previous poster.. what you choose to live with, is your choice. What is ok in your marriage and in your world, is your choice. I hope he turns this around, and works his ass off on recovery and gaining back whatever shreds of trust that are left. Alcoholism doesn't cause cheating, cheaters do. Leave him to whatever he's going to do. Please try to take some time to focus on yourself, how you're doing with your life.. what positive things can you do just for you today? How can you take some steps to detach yourself from this situation? What are your plans moving forward?
smacked is offline  
The Following 16 Users Say Thank You to smacked For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (01-10-2011), dognut (01-20-2011), flutter (01-10-2011), freefalling (01-11-2011), iamchange08 (01-20-2011), iloveme (01-11-2011), kudzujean (01-13-2011), least (01-10-2011), lillamy (01-10-2011), Live (01-10-2011), marni (01-10-2011), naive (01-10-2011), seekingcalm (01-11-2011), ToBeSerene (01-10-2011), vujade (01-10-2011), wicked (01-10-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 11:54 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 52
Yeah, the meeting after sounds bad. I keep asking him about that and he keeps saying he had no intention of sleeping with her then, he even told her that.
All he told me is that he couldn't live with himself and wanted to get wasted. Noone else was around and he wanted to drink. And I guess that's how the disease works. All that matters is booze, right? She was the only person who knew what he was going through.
I know it's hard to believe, but he's really not the cheating type. I can see how it's killing him, he would have never expected to be that person. He is getting a new sponsor (he relapsed a month after his old sponsor relapsed, he didn't get a new one), counseling. I know it will take time but we're a strong marriage and we've got so much love for one another. we shall prevail.
Anyway, I think seeing their last conversation is what I needed to get some sort of closure on this whole thing. I know she's gone from our lives forever.
cutelittlewife is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to cutelittlewife For This Useful Post:
Live (01-10-2011), skippernlilg (01-12-2011)
Old 01-10-2011, 11:55 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Abnormally normal
 
simplyfab's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
Honestly, you're gonna get sooo many opinions and suggestions on this topic that its gonna make your head spin and make you think that the person who posted the last msg is what you should do or believe, until the next person replies.
It's gonna make you doubt what you think you should do.

You're in a critical point in the relationship and you need to stay strong and put your foot down about what u need for him to do for you to even consider another chance.
And DO NOT ask him questions about it through an IM or a text.
You need to have a serious conversation w/ him, face to face so you can see his expressions, and have him answer every question you want answers to.

I myself don't agree w/ him still having ANY form of communication w/ her.
There should have never been any goodbyes or "I need to find out what happened, so lets meet". This is the woman he broke your vows w/ and he should have enough sense to
never talk to this woman again.
It doesn't make sense to have closure w/ someone who doesn't mean anything to you in the first place.
Or to have to repeat it over and over. And your name shouldn't be coming up in his reason to never speak to her again. You knowing should not be his reason to her.
He needs to keep it short and to the point so she gets it.
He obviously didn't make it clear if they still msg eachother. He shouldn't have responded to her wanting to see him again. Even a "No, its not gonna happen" is too much and gives her reason to think she can still msg him.

But like I said...opinions! and thats just mine.

You need to clear your head..make a list of the questions u need answers to,
take the baby to a sitter/relative so no distractions, and have him put everything on the table. The whole truth, because as his wife, friend and mother of his child, you deserve nothing less.
simplyfab is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to simplyfab For This Useful Post:
cutelittlewife (01-10-2011), Hadassah (01-11-2011), Helenlee (01-10-2011), kudzujean (01-13-2011), wicked (01-10-2011)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:32 AM.