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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Part 8

Old 05-08-2007, 04:32 PM
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Internet was down, there was nothing I could do
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Old 05-08-2007, 05:59 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
ah see, that's one of the many reasons i love hank so much....the only thing he says is MY fault is that he finally wised up and cleaned up.....

cind, teke was being demanding again....what could i do???? she commandeth, i obeyeth....
oh so its my fault, huh!
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Old 05-08-2007, 06:01 PM
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sorry i forgot, got go get cigs before dark, i lost a head light yesterday. i've been trying to look at this movie that i rented today, gotta take it back in the morning. be back in a bit too
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Old 05-08-2007, 06:05 PM
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K,
I forgot soda. Will someone bring me some, I cant stand the thought of putting 3 boys in the car.
But I also cant stand thought of drinking koolaid.
So far quiet, cant you picture those two dodo birds without power
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Old 05-08-2007, 06:18 PM
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I need to talk about something and I figure if I bury it in here it won't draw too much attention. I found out today that a friend of mine in the program is using again. Has been the whole time I've known them. I've been crying off and on about it for a few hours. I don't know why it is affecting me so much. They are in deep. Stealing meds from work. I have had so many emotions, anger, sadness, disappointment. I actually told them at one point that a certain sleep med they were using was altering their mood. I said that because I felt like I could not live with myself if I did not tell them, for my sake and for their's. It felt like living a lie. I've shared on here before that I had had three bad experiences one right after the other with friends. And this was the last remaining friend in that group, the one that I thought was different from the others. I am in this weird space right now, feeling like everything around me has been built on a lie because all these people ended up being so very phony, even the program one was, I found out today. The positive part of it is that they know exactly what they want to do to get better. I'm angry because I started my program time over after taking an OTC medication yet this person claims decades of sobriety and is using prescription meds. I feel bad about feeling angry about that but I do. I have just been through a bad time where everything and everyone I was involved with turned out to be built on a lie, but it never touched the program stuff. And now after I found this out today it's like that hand of ugliness that I've been dealing with reached into my program as well. I feel so stupid for trusting these people. I am feeling pure, unadulterated sadness about this and just kind of wanted to share it but hide it at the same time where it won't draw too much attention.
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Old 05-08-2007, 06:38 PM
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Lanie I am sorry that u have been betrayed by people who u called friends I think that hurts the worst. Maybe they are in total denial and since they didnt relapse on their DOC then they dont think this is a problem give it time they have the tools to figure it out. I would be angry and hurt too. Its hard as u know not to relapse. Sometimes the drugs have such a pull its too hard to walk away but I would imagine after years of sobriety it would be alot easier. Its addiction sad but true it does bad things to good people. Stay on the right path with your sobriety and keep fighting the good fight.
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Old 05-08-2007, 07:40 PM
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i agree with anvil and kj, do all you can to keep moving forward in your recovery, i also think that they may also be in denial, and they do know what they have to do to get better. you did what you could to help them but it was their choice. sorry that you are hurting so much about their actions but there is no more that you can do. i was hurt by my best friend once and i know how bad that can hurt. i'm so sorry. i'll be praying for you and your friends, like anvil said, welcome to the penny thread.
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Old 05-08-2007, 07:46 PM
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I busted 3 cell phones before I learned a bit of self control, and I still never admitted what happened to the last cordless phone. Lets just say they dont stay together well when thrown against a wall by a mad crazy woman who is jealous of crack. NOpe, shattered into lots of tiny pieces.

Wow thinking back its like a different world, certainly a different me.

Funny last call with AH he kept saying go ahead hang up on me I know it makes you feel powerful, when does he get it, its nothing to do with that its just wanting to not deal with the crap. Everything about him is crap. I mean there is a part of him I love buried beneeth this pretty deep mentality right now, deeper than he's ever been. But for the first time Im no longer "in love" with him.

Everyone is telling me I seem different, even thoughs who do not know. I am different, I am more sure of myself than Ive ever been. more upbeat and even some of my likes are changing, I feel Im broadening my horizons.
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Old 05-08-2007, 07:49 PM
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Even with all the helpful lessons and advice I get from this forum, I continue to have nagging thoughts that, in my interpretation, relate to the message of this parable. It's not that I think that I have some magical ability to cure my friend's addiction, but I keep wondering why two people, verrry unlikely to meet and become friends, would become so close if I'm just supposed to walk away when she gets caught up in the nightmare of addiction. Was it nothing more than chance or did HP cross our paths for a reason?

And if HP crossed our paths to teach ME a lesson, I sure wish He'd spell out what it is that I'm supposed to learn. I was quite peaceful and content before we met, and was very happy during the many years of our friendship. So, the lesson is... what?.. that I'm supposed to be miserable?? LOL
i know how you feel i have had the same thoughts too, maybe for that reason, i'm just now realizing that even if it was so, that i was not called to live the life that i've lived. i believe that sometimes the outcome of our lives has a lot to with the right timing.
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Old 05-08-2007, 08:12 PM
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Me too Blues, me too.

I dont think necessarily that there is a lesson, except maybe we really werent that complete before or we wouldnt have gotten into this situation.
My MIL and I were talking about me since I knew her first. When we first met she is sure I would never have enven gotten close to her son and I do remember thinking what a loser. But 9 months later, I was feeling poor poor pity me, he started coming around and I was so flattered that this young hip guy noticed me... before I knew what was happening I was in deep lust and an addiction I couldnt break free from
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Old 05-08-2007, 08:24 PM
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and then here we go...me trying to explain and feeling like an *ss once again...i know it isn't me but it still hurts. and then they give you the look - wow! you've lived a f*cked up life...what's wrong with you???
Do you really truly think people think that way about you? ANy who do are the superficial narcisstic creeps who have more inner problems than you or I could ever imagine. I have been there Blues, ive felt taht way too but when I really looked in to it no one that mattered had those thoughts.

Sorry about your email stuff getting hacked, that stuff never has made sense to me
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Old 05-08-2007, 09:20 PM
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'kin I be okay too?
blues, you're cool, no matter who you are
Hugs,
GL
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Old 05-09-2007, 02:07 AM
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Okay, it's my usual middle of the night deep thoughts session and I am just wondering, who are these people that we are attracted to, why do we do this. For me it's not that they became addicted after I met them, or like a child that becomes progressively addicted...it's like I seek out addiction in folks. My body must know the shape of it, be able to smell it from a distance or something. A dear friend of mine says "some people are barely themselves". And that is what I go looking for for some reason, people that are barely themselves, that are possessed by addiction. It is not sane or right-minded at all, it makes no logical sense to me why I do this, but I do it, over and over and over. And that means friends as well as significant others. At least I am aware of it today.
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Old 05-09-2007, 04:52 AM
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Good Morning everyone. Dont have much to say its justa routine now to check in every morning.
My house is a mess. Ive not cleaned or maintained much this past few days. Ive spent most of my time online, so its time to get a balance, not sure I know what that is.

Lanie in reading your post I think your just classicly codependant. Maybe you feel you can rescue them, maybe theres something about them thats familiar, the emotional unavalability perhaps? Have you read codependant no more? Id actually recommend Woman who love too much, I think that book would make more sense to you. I got my copy on Amazon.com for like $2

I hope everyone has a great day. I have no idea if we'll have internet at work, and for how long, but Ill drop in later.
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Old 05-09-2007, 06:09 AM
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hey all, i guess its becoming routine for me to check in too. seems like i'm sleeping a little better these last few days, don't know what it is, it may be that i've change pillows that i sleep on, though i've slept on the pillow before, or it could be that i don't have to sleep with the tv on, or that i don't have to hear snoring all night, or that i'm not being awaken every morning at 4 in the morning and it could be that i changed the side of the bed that i sleep on. everything is different, i sleep in one spot, i can't stand for my bed to be all messed up while sleeping. maybe i just like sleeping alone.

lanie
, sorry that you are feeling this way, i've felt that way too, sometime those kind of friends just don't understand addiction and is not in touch with or understand codependancy either. even though i have codie issues, i still think that i'm farther along in growth than a lot of my friends who have never been introducted to a program and don't have a clue how to work through their own inner issues. i think some of these same friends walk around day in and day out masking their pains of the past not realizing that they are their affecting their emotions. even though you don't do what they think you should don't mean that they have all the right answers, only you know whats good for you and what you need to do to make your life better, i think that though we have gone through so much, we are all being made better persons for it. i think its time for us to hold our heads up high, we all have come so far. i think that if god hadn't thought that you couldn't get through all of what you've been through and merge the victor, he wouldn't have allow you to go through it. i believe that he has a perfect plan for all of our lives and knows exactly how to get us there,sometimes we have to go through rough spots in the road inorder to get us to the place of his perfect plan.

sometimes we hold on because we think that we know what is best for our lives but when we let go and let god, he'll lead us to that perfect place. it don't always look good to us or for us, but he knows what he's doing, and if we allow him to have his way, one day we'll be able to look back over our past and recognize the hows and the whys of what we had to go through to get where we are. does any of this make any sense to anyone.

cinder, i sure hope you have internet at work, that just won't be right or fair. i'm glad you're feeling so positive these days, it sure shows in your post, and i'm sure you're glowing, you sound like it and i'm glad to hear that others are noticing. i guess recovery really works, huh?

blues,
i'm so sorry that you have to keep changing your idenity, maybe your addict is getting a little worried, trying to see why you are changing so much, trying to see just what these people is telling you and what you are telling them. my ah went through that stage too, i decided that i was not gonna change my idenity. just because he was the topic of my conversation, it still was all about me and my thoughts and feelings, that it had nothing to do with him. i agree with him a little and told him that since he thinks that its my fault and that i'm causing the problems, that i was trying to figure out what i'm doing wrong and how to stop it, because i want a healty relationship and i don't want to be the one causing the confusion.

i told him that if my thoughts were unhealthy, then i wanted to know about it. i did have to remind him that my feelings and thoughts were just my feelings thoughts and what i felt didn't have to be the truth, that i was trying to get heathy and if what i thought was unhealthy, that i wanted to get help understanding why i thought and felt the way that i did.

oh he snooped a little longer and even signed on to sr and posted a time or two, but he soon got uninterested when he didn't get the responses that he wanted to hear, and lost interest. so i made it through that, he still accused sr, for my selfishness and cold heart, but that was ok, i'm still learning and i think growing if only but a little. do this make any sense

where's anvil this morning
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Old 05-09-2007, 07:03 AM
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Good morning. I think its gonna be a good day, got my kids off to day care without a single tear - just waves and bye mommy! 2yr old is finally doing better with potty training! Yeah, only 1 more in diapers then I'm done with diapers for good. Got to begin my job search today, so cross your fingers for me. Getting a little nervous about AH getting out of jail in 1 week. Let the drama begin, god I hope not. It shouldn't even make me nervous cuz hes two states away but I know the phone calls with start and I'm not sure I'm strong enough yet to handle them. I guess its just and wait and see.
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Old 05-09-2007, 07:23 AM
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Good morning everyone. I just rolled out of bed to enjoy the day. Its already hot and muggy. No inbetween here. I have a to do list about a mile long today but hopefully I will find the energy to do it. Both cars need to be inspected and the house really needs a good cleaning oh and laundry bzbzbz.
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Old 05-09-2007, 08:11 AM
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finallyout, i'm glad to hear that you are off to a good start, i can't imagine having two in pampers, youre good. i'll pray that you will find that perfect job and that your husband will do just fine when he gets out. you'll know when the time comes if you'll be able to handle his calls and if not then you'll know what to do, just try not to break any phones, think first, that means you'll have to spend money buying another one.
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Old 05-09-2007, 08:19 AM
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teke, no definately no phone breaking, god knows I can't afford a new one! quick question, did anyone find moving away from "home" helpful to their addicts recovery? my ah is insisting on moving about 4 hours away from "home" this summer, he thinks it will lessen the temptation for using. Of course, my theory is, if you want bad enuf, you'll find it anywhere. Just curious if moving helped anyone.
Jenna
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Old 05-09-2007, 08:23 AM
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hi everybody,

hope everyone is having a drama free day - it's funny wishing for the day to just be drama free - but it does make the day a better one - i've been dealing with my husband and his drinking - if it's not one thing it's another - i just get so pissed when he's been drinking and he says he isn't - he's not abusive or mean - he's just doing something he says he isn't and it pisses me off - i think this is going to be an interesting summer - a make it or break it kind of summer - if the adults in this house don't start acting like adults i swear my head will explode - need to get donuts for a lil guy...

be back..

love,
s
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