ymf15061

I am new to this, but figured that maybe someone could give me some advice.
Here goes:
On Friday night, my boyfriend told me that he has a cocaine problem and wants to stop. I was so dumbfounded, I didn't know what to do. I am very naive about this and had no idea that he even did it! He is 33 and has 2 boys that live with their mom and visist us every other weekend. I have custody of my daughter and the 3 of us live together. He has never done the coke in my house and tells me that he has only been doing it for about 6 of 7 months. He hated hiding it from me and wants to quit. He came clean with everything and told me everything, when he was doing it, why he was doing it, and who he was getting it from. He called his supplier and told him not to come around and got rid of all of the paraphenalia. He let me look through his hiding spot and we both threw eveything away.

I gave him an ultimatum...me or cocaine. He chose me, but told me that it is hard to quit and that he would be a bear for a while. I am willing to I deal with it.

I called a rehab place to ask them what I could do to help him through it. They pretty much won't talk to me about it since I am not the one with the problem. But really, because I love him, I do feel that it is my problem. I asked him if he would be willing to go to rehab and that I would go along with him. He told me that he is done using it and that if he felt the urge or desire to do it, that he would call me, and that he didn't want to talk to a stranger about his problem. I am concerned that maybe he can't do this on his own. He claims that the reason he would do it is to avoid stress. He owns his own business and things don't ever go smoothly.

Does anyone out there have any suggestions on things that I can do to help him stay clean?

Noah812

I have a suggestion, hang on, it could get bumpy for you or alot worse. As far as every single ounce of what your ABF told you, you will eventually learn to take it with a grain of salt...they all say and do the things your boyfriend did...did you catch him or did he confess to his coke habit. What i would recommend for you is to read every stickie on the top of this forum...read the forums and post your problems...I wish you well and your addict to just dont rush in to save him, you will help nothing and hurt yourself. BTW welcome to SR.

abtchonamission

Please read the sticky posts at the beginning of this forum, as Noah suggested, as well as the ones in the beginning of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. The stickies are posts with a lot of good information in them, especially for those first arriving here.

Also, have you considered going to any face to face Nar-anon or Al-anon meetings? Those meeting are wonderful to get support (in person) for someone like yourself - a person who loves an addict or alcoholic. Either one will work for you - the substances are 'different' but the tools you'll get are basically the same. Also, keep coming around here, reading and posting...we're a great bunch of people - just ask us, we'll tell ya!

cinderellawkids

Ive come back to this one a few times as I dont know what to say. Then I thought about it. Whether you want to believe it now or not I want to share.
1. You can never love them clean. They will never stop, more than a moment for you.
2. You didnt cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it.
3. If they want to use, tehy will, any effort by you to stop it or change their mind is likely only temporary stop by a few hours or a few days at most.
4. They have to want to change for them.
5. Anything he does, any actions he portrays that hurt you, that leave you feeling lost, its not a reflection of you or how he feels about you. It has nothing to do with you, its all about him, his inner misery, selfishness and drugs.
6. An addict is not capable of consistently showing love.
7. Hang on if you try to help him stop its gonna be a wild rollercoaster ride.

All of this is said with love. Please believe that. We do hope you keep reading and keep coming back

MsPINKAcres

Welcome ymf,

Just want to share my personal experience - my AH & I tried the deal with him telling me about his RX drug use. That I would "help" him with this. Only give him the meds when he needed it. That didn't work so well.
During the 10 plus yrs of active use, I learned that the way the disease of addiction had affected us - He did not have the ability to be honest with me about his drug use and I did not have the ability to NOT believe his lies. I was too close to him to be an accountability partner. He had lied before and it was too easy to lie again. It was easier for me to see the hope of things getting better than to see the reality of the situation.

This was just the way it was for us. We had to both start a seperate recovery program.

Now, I can take care of myself, regardless of his actions.

Wishing you Peace,
Rita

an'ka

You love him but IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Right now it seems so noble and selfless to take your partner's hand and walk through this with him. You are so new to this and I understand how you feel, trying to enlist help and willing to be there no matter what. But you cannot be his sponsor and you cannot do the work for him. I don't want to sound cynical, but just because he showed you his hiding spots today doesn't mean he won't have new ones next week. Very, very soon you will discover that ultimatums don't work; in fact, his using is nothing personal. It does not mean he doesn't love you or the kids--it simply means he is addicted to a substance that could destroy everything. If he is ready to stop, let him take action and show you. You will hear this over and over and over again--actions, not words.

ymf15061

Are you basically saying that I need to make him deal with this on his own? Is there nothing that I can do to help him through it?

an'ka

There is nothing that you can do for him. You can offer him encouragement, but be careful, the line between support and enabling is awfully thin.

Noah812

Knowing addict tendencies I doubt he has been using and is coke addict for 6 months as he said to you. I think he knows that if he told you he had been using for 6 years you might see it is a bigger issue than a 6 month habit. My exagf was a 20 year addict mulitple times in rehab the works. When everything came out she talked as it was no bigdeal and with my help she would quit...lol...yeah right...she had not quit for herself in 20 years before I was in her life, what could I do help and that was only support I feel she knew it but it sounded good to me so she told me the BS....so codie at times...Do yourself a big favor...don't marry the guy and dont let him get you pregnant...there are many women here fighting dead beat fathers and having to be forever tied to someone that you may someday despise.

cinderellawkids

I agree dont marry him (especially in a community property state).

The only thing you can do is lock up you valuables, keep separate accounts and listen to him. Do enough research on addiction to know when he's bsing you.

When I met my husband I knew he had a problem, he asked for me help. I though I helped so and so (a not addict) get through withdrawals, if he can go 5 to 7 days its over. I got pregnant, we married and its been an awful nasty ride. Sure he has gone 5 to 7 days, he's gone 5.75 months, but now I willnot let him in my home, he's squatting at my investment property and Im emotionally scarred forever.

marle

Maybe he told you so that he could then start blaming you if he can't quit. So many addicts try to blame the people who love them. Then we start thinking that if we were prettier, nicer, more supportive, the list goes on and on. Whatever happens do not take on the responsibility for his addiction and don't let him use the excuse that he has stress on the job. Hell we all do and we don't use drugs. Only an addict would use that as an excuse. Be very very careful with trying to fix him. It can't be done. Sending some hugs, Marle

teke

i agree with the others, the addict in my life is my husband and i've been in and out of his addictive behavior and promise making for 21 yrs. i've tried everything i could think of to help him. i came here just like you, looking for something that i could do to help him and all i got was the suggestion to take care of myself. i'm sorry but there is nothing you can do to stop him, even though he may tell you, youre the only one who can help he. its not the truth. he has to help himself. keeping you and yours in my prayers

Jewelz

Ym, I agree with what everyone said before me. It's not that we are saying you cant be there of course you can but you cant make him stop. You have no control of his using or his stopping. My boyfriend uses crack cocaine it has been a long rollercoaster ride. I thought if I cared enough, be there for him enough, clean up more, made his favorite foods that it could help. I finally learned with the grace of my higher power there is nothing I could do for him. Finally accepting that hurts, hurts more than I can say because we have a year old baby boy together. We are still together but I have detached from him. I dont rely on his money.. I make sure my home is provided for even if he gives no money. I do not depend on him financially because I finally learned from one day to the next everything could be gone.

Hugs and prayers to you!!

Jewel

laketime

Im Certainly Not Telling You Or Anyone Else How To Live Their Lives. However , I Can Tell You How (i) Feel. My As Is 20. Hes Been An Addict Since 15. His Using Buddy Currently Is A 15 Year Old Addict. (girlfriend) Illegal And Immoral, Anyway, We Havent Let Him Come Home For A Month Because Of Using. His Initial Doc Was Cocaine Now It Appears To Be Crack Because Thats What The Cops Picked Him Up With Thursday Night. I Guess With No Job And No Money You Use What You Can Afford, Or Steal. As Any Parent On This Board Will Tell You, When We First Learned Of This Addiction We Were Just Going To Pick Him Up Dust Him Off And Just Fix This Thing. You Know Send Him To Rehab, Counseling, Etc Five Years Later, Hes Still Not Fxed. Weve Slowly Discovered We Cant, Only He Can. And I Mean Can Cope , He Cannot Cure This Disease That Consumes His Every Waking Minute. He Will, And We Will Live With This For The Rest Of Our Lives. The Thing I Want To Stress To You Is This. He Is Our Son And We Love Him. We Also Do Not Have A Choice But To Be Tormented Over His Sickness And Welfare. If He Were Not Our Son. I Would Move Heaven And Earth To Get Me And My Family As Far Away From Him As Humanly Possible. This Disease Usually Gets A Lot Worse Before It Gets Better, Then Sadly Most Of The Time It Gets Worse Again, And Better And Worse Again. The Old Saying Relapse Is Part Of Recovery. You Can Not Help Control Or Cure Him. Its Your Choice To Take This "ride" As A Helpless Passenger.

hope213

welcome to S.R. i am glad you found us when you did. my son is the addict in my life.i wish i had found this site & recovery when i first found out about him.it has been an on & off thing for about 15 yrs. with crack.not good!! there is nothing you can do to keep him clean.it sounds like maybe he realizes he has a problem for him to be telling you about it but you can not fix it. not many get clean by themselves.there are meeting you both can go to,N.A. for him & naranon for you.you both can get into recovery & work it.it works if you work it.it will be a hard long road for him.read all the stickys at the top of the forum.read the post by other g.f's & wifes & mothers too. it is not an easy ride. i will say a prayer for you both.keep yourself & your kids safe.without recovery it only gets worse.prayers,

HKAngel24

Oh my friend- months ago I was EXACTLY where you are right now.

A few months into this whirlwind I wrote in my journal in large block letters: I will not, under any circumstances marry an addict.

Learn all that you can about addiction. The more you know- the more power you will have and perspective in terms of understanding that this is an illness that defies all reason. My abf and I had an amazing year and a half together until he relapsed- and I found out he had a drug problem. In the beginning I thought he could get over it- I never realized how incredibly difficult this thing is to kick OR how incredibly powerless we, the loved ones are, over it.

No matter what you do you cannot love him clean. I am STILL trying to do this. STILL believing that my love and "our future" will be enough to steer him into recovery. It won't.
Addiction is a selfish disease.
Please stay here and read and read and read. Print out the "What Addicts Do" and everytime you think he is a normal person -- read it.

ymf15061

So, do I just give up and run as far away from him as I can? Is there no hope for him to get better?

an'ka

Honestly, knowing what I know now, YES. Run. Save yourself the heartache, save the innocence, remember your relationship like it used to be, not how ugly it's going to become if addiction continues.

Noah812

Depends...is running away as far from him as you can a option? If it is, take it and get out of this addiction crap before you have to go through the BS. If your not willing to leave now then you have made up your mind to stay and talking about leaving someone you KNOW you will never leave accomplishes nothing. If your staying, arm yourself with knowledge and tools to keep you aware, strong, detached and to make good choices for YOU.

patchoulli

The only way you can help is help yourself. I know what I'm talking about. Read the stickies, get to a meeting, keep reading here. If we sound cold or unhelpful to you its because we all heard the same things from our sons, daughters, lovers, even parents...Keep yourself out of the chaos that may come, financial affairs separate, make sure he has no access to any of your accounts or credit cards. I'm sorry, thats the way it is....