MidnightBlue

Allrighty then. We'll celebrate tomorrow)

Yesterday I looked into self-pity.

Today is turn for another AV's "partner in crime" - procrastination.

Procrastination is not some "chicken thief". It's a dangerous hard-core criminal.

It steals time, hopes, and, eventually life.

It places traps of doubts, fear, and self-distrust. And finally the victim is totally bewildered, washed out, and beaten.

And when procrastination has done its work, here shows up AV and offers a "solution" - "Come with me. I know a way out. You'll be relaxed and you'll find joy of life again".

We all know how the story ends.

Just yesterday I came across an interesting definition of fear - "Cocktail of instinct and imagination". Well, while there's no use to switch off instincts, I can definitely cut off my imagination, and then one element will be missed. There will be no spark to ignite fear that paralyzes my actions and leads to procrastination.

I've been dwelling on procrastination on one of my threads. Well, I think this thief has robbed me enough.

How to fight it? I think I'll start with cliche - Just do it. Just make the first step, then go on. I'll use this quote:

"Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." - Martin Luther King


Procrastination? Not for Badass Midnight!

Jeni26

Excellent post..procrastination is also a fault of mine.

But fear...that's the big one for me. It has kept me trapped in unhealthy thought patterns for most of my life and my addictions have thrived on it. I was given a very good piece of advice by someone much cleverer than me here on SR. She told me 'Jen, so you're scared..so what? Are you going to spend the rest of your life avoiding it? That will keep you stuck in this place of fear forever. You just need to get up and just walk right through it. That way you'll get to the other side'. It's hard but true, and badasses don't shy away from hard emotional stuff. Do we...!!

Anyway, I know I'm half a dozen paces behind you but I'm having a spot of bother writing about badass Jen and really believing it. You see...I'm a bit of a wimp, and while I totally love the idea of being a badass, it is quite a long way from how I really see myself. I'm going to write a list of my achievements I think. The positives about me that I think might actually be true. Good stuff, for example the fact I HAVE walked through fear MANY times....

I will give it some thought. Aha..procrastinate even...!!

My AV has been mostly quiet again today so far...do you think I scared it with my tantrum yesterday?!x

MidnightBlue

Jeni, I can absolutely relate to fear. It's been holding me in its deadly grip almost all my life. I hate. I'm still fiercely fighting against it. Every day.

Love that other SR member said to you. So true. And it seems that my Badass Midnight is having real test. I got to know today that I finally have to face my real estate issues with my relatives (my brother, actually). Otherwise I will have no place to live soon.. Damn, it's going to be a long, life-sucking story. And to go through I will have to be some big-time hardcore Badass.

Just a thought about it makes me sick. I hope the Badass Midnight will cope with it...

As for "wimp" - I usually procrastinate a lot about things like this. But this time just set a timer and really dragged myself to the laptop.

I think that Badass Jeni is just so awesome that you are a lit bit... afraid of it. Me? So stunning? No... (That's AV part here). Find a quiet place, close your eyes, imagine, go wild, no limits...

And I think you hell scared your AV with the tantrum. It never saw the Badass Jeni - she's no joke and will surely make this AV run for its money... So it just sits tight, looking through ads to find it another place to move to - it's too dangerous at Jen's place now)

Have a great evening)

Jeni26

Hey, I understand the fear so strong it makes you sick...do you know when I first started going to therapy I would actually throw up before going... I would wake with chest pains and in the grip of anxiety and I honestly don't know how I got myself to those first few appointments...but I HAD to do it, I HAD to sort my head out with someone who could help me get through my issues.

Now, I don't know anything about your situation with your brother, but you DO need a place to live. So you will stand up tall, you will organise whatever needs to be put in place, and you will do it fairly and maturely...because you are deserving of what's right and fair in your life. I have no idea of the circumstances so I can't really comment on the process involved, but I know you CAN do whatever it takes, and you can keep the AV at bay while you do it...

Badass remember....no-one messes with you?!

MidnightBlue

Thanks, Jeni.

It's a long story about all this.

Anyway, I missed the important thing about all this. I didn't turn to my binge eating today to comfort myself. Usually all this situation was am immediate trigger for wine, or later for binge eating.

Besides, Chinese hieroglyph that means 'crisis", stands for "opportunity" as well. So, I'll look for opportunities.

So, Badass in progress)

Jeni26

Of course you didn't turn to binge eating.....you don't do that any more!!xx

Jeni26

Weird....my AV is in FULL FORCE today, it was quiet all day yesterday. Not sure what's going on here.. I'm off to see my Dad later, smoking has left him seriously ill. Now there are lots of emotional issues surrounding me visiting him anyway...I'm ok with tucking away my feelings for the time being and I don't feel in as much turmoil as I thought I would... So why is the AV choosing today to try and get me??

Even when I've made that commitment to never smoking again, I was almost out the door and on my way to buy a pack this morning. It still tries to scare and bully me...'you won't cope with today Jen...' That is NOT FACT!!!!

Am I supposed to be reasonable and in control during these AV attacks? Well, I'm not. They make me so bloody angry!! And I hate anger, so then my AV tells me I shouldn't have to deal with such a destructive emotion...so why upset myself when there's no need....

This is total madness.

mecanix

Sorry to parachute into the thread but i just spotted this, Jeni .

To badly paraphrase buddha he said " anger and hatred only begets more anger and hatred , only through non anger and hatred does it end" .

Sometimes i detach from whats causing the emotion and sit inside myself and watch what the emotion does to me , hot head , sweats , clenched fists , tense muscles .

By excersising that detachment for a moment and dealing with the uncomfortable physical side , my bodies' automatic reaction . I'm better able to deal with the issues , either engaging with it or by accepting it and leaving it behind me .

Bestwishes, M

MidnightBlue

Hi, Jeni.

First, my congrats on one-year sobriety. That's just awesome!

As for AV in full force today - mine is too. It's devious - sometimes it lays low, and then when your attention is not so sharp it attacks you in every possible way.

I was hit my fierce depression today related to all these issues I'm facing now. So, AV started to use his partners in crime - self-pity, procrastination, lack of hope, etc.

And...

You've said that you hate anger. I do too. But I''ve read somewhere that sometimes anger helps us to get to what we really want. Because it's like SOS signal that we neglect our needs and true wishes, suppress our pain to stick within some social boundaries, or whatever. But anger breaks through and sends signals that our operating system is to be ruined soon if we don't take immediate action to improve the situation.

And it was anger that pushed me out of this depression-sef-pity now. I felt an urge of anger. I thought - "WTF!!!!!!" I am not going to surrender, I am not going to neglect my pain any longer ant pretend that "everything is all right". Everything is not f*****g all right! It's hight time for me to stand my ground here".

And I am not "eating over eat". As you've said before - "I don't do it any more".

You know, sometimes anger can serve as fuel for a rocket to shift to another level, if you use it properly, not in a self-destructive way.

Have a great day! You have one year sober! Don't let AV or anyone P**s on your great parade!!!!!

I'll see you later, hopefully with better mood)

Leave you with this encouraging song, take care.

Stand Up - Piece of my soul - Garou - YouTube

Jeni26

Yes, you are both right I think...anger can be self-destructive but it can also be a bit of a warning signal that things aren't quite as they should be. I'm never sure how to best handle it. I avoid it most usually...so to avoid it I need to smoke?? Hmm.. I think I will try and sit with these feelings for a bit, and know they will pass. It doesn't feel comfortable at all though....

Whatever happens today, I WILL NOT SMOKE!!

MidnightBlue-I'm sorry you're having a tough day. Remember. Walk through the fear... I'm right by your side my badass pal xxx

MidnightBlue

That's the spirit, Jeni!

And thanks a lot for your support!

MidnightBlue

Well, my AV tried every trick today. BUT...

I passed by six or seven supermarkets on my cakes/cookies/other junk food route, and I didn't buy anything!!! I got home, made myself some healthy dinner and feel great about that!

Jeni, I think it's high time for me to give you some proper congrats on your grate milestone:

One year sober, Badass pal!
What an achievement! That's the spirit!
You're strong, resilient, awesome gal.
For whom the sky is not the limit.


You should be proud of yourself
For such consistent self-improvement.
AV dies hard, but it' just trash.
It won't stop you from further movement.

Jeni26

Thankyou! Wow....proper words that rhyme and everything...how clever are you?!xx

I've just got home after visiting my family. Too much history there to even begin to explain, but my Dad...oh I just don't know what to think or how to feel about him. Anyway... Lots of dysfunctional relationships and heavy drinking/smoking throughout. But some lovely moments too with my nieces and nephews. No temptations at all to join in with the alcohol/nicotine intake whilst I was there.

But on the way home...AV was there, cajoling, telling me I really deserved one for getting through the day. Whining, pleading. But no. I didn't give in although today has weirdly been harder than the whole of the past stressful work week!

You did well too, passing all those supermarkets!! Cool!x

MidnightBlue

Jeni, glad you didn't listen to AV despite of a stressful day and a stressful week.

I've just noticed that it's been a week since I posted my Big Plan. I don't count actually.

Hope next week will bring you less stress and more positive emotions, my badass pal.

So great that I'm not alone on this way.

Thank you and take care.

MidnightBlue

Well, I've lost one round to my AV.

I've never been someone who hits the fridge at night. But tonight I was so sick of anxiety that couldn't fall asleep. Got up and went to the fridge.

It wasn't technically binge - 2 glasses of milk and a slice of bread. But still it was the same way to cope with anxiety. And I want to be honest about that.

Darn. It took me about 4 months to fight insomnia and sort out sleeping. And with this f***ing family-estate issues I'm about to lose my sanity again.

Ok, I've confessed.

I will take one day at a time. I will cut my imagination and kill fear in the bud. I won't let anyone make my life hell any longer.

I am badass, after all. I'm just wiped out with anxiety badass right now.

Jeni26

Hey my badass pal.....no need to beat yourself up, your AV will love that!! If its anything like mine, it will use it as an opportunity for self-doubt to creep in...'ha! Told you you couldn't do this thing, might as well give up now...'etc
It wasn't technically a binge you said, so you haven't broken your big plan have you? You're just aware that dangerous thought processes were at work...that's a positive as far as I can see it...an opportunity to re-commit.

As a chronic insomniac myself, I can relate to that early morning misery, but hey you had a bad night...everyone does especially when they're under pressure, its not necessarily a start to another bad pattern of not sleeping. What can you do instead if you wake up? I used to walk round the garden at 2 a.m smoking, not an option any more, so I write stuff down instead...you're a writer, perhaps try and release some anxiety that way?

"I'm about to lose my sanity again"....says who??? Re-read your description of yourself....you are stronger than you think, have you forgotten? People who are generally losing their sanity do not show such self-awareness and clarity of thought.

I know you're going through a tough time. I wish I could help. But don't ever doubt there will be an end to it in time. Hold your head up high, walk through the fear. Remember...you're a badass. You can do this. And bingeing is...simply...not...an...option..x

MidnightBlue

Thank you so much, Jeni, for this awesome post!

It was great to wake up and read it as a start of the day. You are so right!

Have a good day, my Badass pal)

MidnightBlue

“This is a fact. And a fact is the most stubborn thing in the world.”

― Mikhail Bulgakov, The Master and Margarita

Thank you again, Jeni, I've re-red your post - it's so inspiring. It allows me to see what I can't see.

It's ridiculous how this AV can misinterpret and pervert all my past experience.

I've cited "Master and Margarita" at the beginning of my post.

Facts, they are material, they can prove a lot.

Why is that AV is so fact-proof and pretends that facts are worthless?

It keeps convincing me that I am weak, gonna lose my sanity, that I well hide in my comfort zone to avoid facing fears.

But what about the facts, jerk?

Let's begin with one fact.

I am a big fan of horse-riding. A couple of years ago during my riding lesson the horse freaked out, reared back, bounced back its head, and hit me right in the face. The whop was so humming I was pretty sure my nose and some facial bones were broken. Pain was unbearable. I screamed bloody murder, the horse reared back again, and gave me another stroke. I finally jumped off, unfortunately right under its legs. I remember the horse's legs in front of my face, and me covering face with hands to protect it.

My head was bursting with pain.

I was extremely lucky. By combined mercy of my helmet and some miracle none of my bones were broken.

Half an hour later I got myself together and drove back home. Next day I woke up and had high temperature. I was sure I got concussion of the brain after such a stroke. I went to the doc, x-ray didn't show anything. I just got a huge bruise on my face. That's it.

I spent a week on a sick leave. Two weeks later I was back in the saddle. I was hell scared but I realized that if I'm going to go on with horse-riding I had to overcome the fear, and the sooner the better.

I was almost dying of fear. My mind generated vivid memories of the horse rearing back and hitting me. I almost felt the pain. I clinched my teeth.

It took me a month to recover emotionally. Though I still feel somewhat uncomfortable when a horse makes some upward movement with its head, I got back to my regular workouts.

Also, when I was learning to jump I did it on a horse that had quite a temper. It refused to jump - gained full speed and then all of sudden stopped right in front of a hurdle. I surely got my share of adrenaline back then, but every time I made it turn back and finally it jumped. I just played it cool, held reins tight, and stuck on the horse.

Why in the hell, AV is not convinced by these facts?

Or, maybe I just should follow the same pattern here - even though AV refuses to back off my best strategy is to play it cool, hold reins tight, and stick on the horse. And eventually I will make it over a hurdle.

Jeni26

I've spent the morning reading up on AVRT. I know I should probably have done this before I started really, but there you go, that's me....!!

I made a statement that I had quit smoking and I would never pick it up again. That was as far as my big plan went, and yeah it is working. I haven't smoked...But I had a real reluctance to write out my big plan like you did MidnightBlue. I recoiled from writing a description of myself as a non-smoker. I like being a badass but i just don't feel it most of the time. Not unless i start getting angry at the lies my AV whispers to me!...I couldn't even write myself a list of the benefits from stopping.... This MUST be my AV trying to stop me doing this properly and for good. It feels too uncomfortable. And the reluctance to say forever?? There's no one day at a time for my smoking. NEVER NEVER NEVER am I smoking again!!

So I've written out my big plan, I won't post it because its similar to yours, and that's me talking and not my AV!!! But I will write a description of myself as a non-smoker, and all my reasons for quitting, no matter how uncomfortable that feels.
In a rush now, but will do it later....x

And coincidentally since I posted this my beast is now in full attack mode. Really trying lots of tricks at the moment...'there's only you in the house, no-one will know....!!' I am not playing this game with you today, stop right there...

Jeni26

Our posts crossed MB...great post.

Not only are you on that horse, and holding on tight....you are in control of it and guiding it. You are not at its mercy. You are afraid, but are sitting tall and proud. The horse doesn't know you're scared, it's taking its lead from you...x