AVRT to cope with emotional binge eating
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I've got a few family issues at the moment and am trying to think my way out when I'm not sure there is a solution.
Sorry that sounds a bit cryptic but it is weighing me down...and hey the beast LOVES it!! It's my sons birthday and I had some chocolate and I don't care... I'm not sure if I should. I made my Big Plan for no junk food and I don't think that was specific enough really. Does that mean no cake, cookies, sweets, crisps, burgers, pizza etc etc?? I'm going to have to re-think it because it is so open to interpretation and I've struggled today emotionally. Up popped the AV...'hey it's a tough time, you treat yourself, just have choc on Fridays, you're not smoking...you need something nice..go for it' and I did. Quite deliberately. Hmm...
Anyway it's done. Not much damage. But I didn't want to eat sweets and I've done it.
The AV again...'ha! Told you AVRT wouldn't work for you...only STRONG people can work it, badasses, and YOU WILL NEVER BE ONE!!!!'
I'm off to the gym shortly, throw myself into some exercise and tomorrow will be the day to re-think my Big Plan on eating.
But F.U beast..I didn't smoke did I??? Ha!
Sorry that sounds a bit cryptic but it is weighing me down...and hey the beast LOVES it!! It's my sons birthday and I had some chocolate and I don't care... I'm not sure if I should. I made my Big Plan for no junk food and I don't think that was specific enough really. Does that mean no cake, cookies, sweets, crisps, burgers, pizza etc etc?? I'm going to have to re-think it because it is so open to interpretation and I've struggled today emotionally. Up popped the AV...'hey it's a tough time, you treat yourself, just have choc on Fridays, you're not smoking...you need something nice..go for it' and I did. Quite deliberately. Hmm...
Anyway it's done. Not much damage. But I didn't want to eat sweets and I've done it.
The AV again...'ha! Told you AVRT wouldn't work for you...only STRONG people can work it, badasses, and YOU WILL NEVER BE ONE!!!!'
I'm off to the gym shortly, throw myself into some exercise and tomorrow will be the day to re-think my Big Plan on eating.
But F.U beast..I didn't smoke did I??? Ha!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 3,360
Well I did a bit better last night, did eat chocolate, but less. So I'm going to say progress is good, Ill never manage perfection. See what tonight brings!
Have a great evening/night and I hope sleep is easy and lasting.
Have a great evening/night and I hope sleep is easy and lasting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
That's good to hear Bloss. Keep checking in with us.
I went a bit overboard at the gym...my new budding addiction?? But it does help that's for sure. I'm going to overlook the chocolate otherwise I will just get too negative to deal with anything else, and it is the smoking that's the main one...that's the one I made my commitment to. That's the one that will kill me. That's the one I'm doing FOR MY CHILDREN!!!
I am feeling a lot more positive. I'm going to do my description of the non-smoking badass Jeni tomorrow...no more delaying this, no more feeling a little worried about doing it. I can and will deal with whatever comes my way. I am strong. And there is nothing and nobody that can make me smoke again. Not ever.
How are you doing MidnightBlue?x
I went a bit overboard at the gym...my new budding addiction?? But it does help that's for sure. I'm going to overlook the chocolate otherwise I will just get too negative to deal with anything else, and it is the smoking that's the main one...that's the one I made my commitment to. That's the one that will kill me. That's the one I'm doing FOR MY CHILDREN!!!
I am feeling a lot more positive. I'm going to do my description of the non-smoking badass Jeni tomorrow...no more delaying this, no more feeling a little worried about doing it. I can and will deal with whatever comes my way. I am strong. And there is nothing and nobody that can make me smoke again. Not ever.
How are you doing MidnightBlue?x
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, all. It's morning and I woke up more settled and free of anxiety. Not an easy day ahead, but... I am badass, for crying outloud!
Jeni - Surely it's more difficult to stick to the Big Plan when it comes to food. If in case of alcohol and cigarettes it's crystal clear - there's no "good" or "bad" alcohol or cigarettes. You just take them out of your life.
But when it come to food it can be tricky to draw a demarcation line between unhealthy/healthy.
For me borderline is quite obvious - If I am eating just out of anxiety, boredom, procrastination, depression, etc. - then I surrender to my beast. Though sometimes it can be not so obvious either.
I opt for dark good-quality chocolate with high content of cacao beans and no artificial additives. It is not a junk food, it's even fine (in moderation, of course). But a lot of chocolate bars that have just tiny content of cacao and a lot of artificial crap - it's real junk that litters your body.
Homemade pizza, with thin layer of dough, a lot of vegetables, can be ok once in a while, IMHO. For me the problem is that once I start it, I can't stop (sounds familiar, doesn't it)))).
With these food issues AV can really let itself go - sometimes it whispers to me that I have kind of "fixation" on it. Oh, screw you.
The problem with junk food and overeating is also that its harmful effect is not so obvious compared to alcohol and smoking. But if you are interested, google some related questions - it can be quite scary.
E.g. nobody died yet eating potato chips. But, please, it's nothing but transfat, salt, and the entire periodic table in it. Why is it considered to be "normal" to stuff myself with this?
BTW I red an article that excessive salt consumption stimulates the reward center in our brain, so it can be a kind of addiction as well.
I think that idea to make you Big Plan more specific will work)
And I am looking forward to see the description of the true authentic Badass Jeni).
And don't worry about gym-addiction. I am a hardcore addict here).
Bloss - glad you keep posting here, my friend)
Wait, wait!
First, what is perfection? It's a kind of myth. Something that nobody's seen by far but everyone is talking about it. I have no idea what it is.
Progress is a great thing.
But if by "perfection" you mean that you will always be listening to you AV here, who said that? AV?
I bet the same AV told you more than a year ago that you couldn't quit drinking. Now it comes up with another idiotic idea.
You deserve everything that makes you feel better and happy. Listen to yourself. Not to "what you should, shouldnt. what is normal or not". Listen to yourself, and the answer will come.
Ok, badass pals, time for me to go and face my other beasts (i mean issues I am dealing with now).
Wish me luck.
See you later)
Jeni - Surely it's more difficult to stick to the Big Plan when it comes to food. If in case of alcohol and cigarettes it's crystal clear - there's no "good" or "bad" alcohol or cigarettes. You just take them out of your life.
But when it come to food it can be tricky to draw a demarcation line between unhealthy/healthy.
For me borderline is quite obvious - If I am eating just out of anxiety, boredom, procrastination, depression, etc. - then I surrender to my beast. Though sometimes it can be not so obvious either.
I opt for dark good-quality chocolate with high content of cacao beans and no artificial additives. It is not a junk food, it's even fine (in moderation, of course). But a lot of chocolate bars that have just tiny content of cacao and a lot of artificial crap - it's real junk that litters your body.
Homemade pizza, with thin layer of dough, a lot of vegetables, can be ok once in a while, IMHO. For me the problem is that once I start it, I can't stop (sounds familiar, doesn't it)))).
With these food issues AV can really let itself go - sometimes it whispers to me that I have kind of "fixation" on it. Oh, screw you.
The problem with junk food and overeating is also that its harmful effect is not so obvious compared to alcohol and smoking. But if you are interested, google some related questions - it can be quite scary.
E.g. nobody died yet eating potato chips. But, please, it's nothing but transfat, salt, and the entire periodic table in it. Why is it considered to be "normal" to stuff myself with this?
BTW I red an article that excessive salt consumption stimulates the reward center in our brain, so it can be a kind of addiction as well.
I think that idea to make you Big Plan more specific will work)
And I am looking forward to see the description of the true authentic Badass Jeni).
And don't worry about gym-addiction. I am a hardcore addict here).
Bloss - glad you keep posting here, my friend)
Originally Posted by bloss 
Ill never manage perfection.
First, what is perfection? It's a kind of myth. Something that nobody's seen by far but everyone is talking about it. I have no idea what it is.
Progress is a great thing.
But if by "perfection" you mean that you will always be listening to you AV here, who said that? AV?
I bet the same AV told you more than a year ago that you couldn't quit drinking. Now it comes up with another idiotic idea.
You deserve everything that makes you feel better and happy. Listen to yourself. Not to "what you should, shouldnt. what is normal or not". Listen to yourself, and the answer will come.
Ok, badass pals, time for me to go and face my other beasts (i mean issues I am dealing with now).
Wish me luck.
See you later)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I discussed my eating habits with my therapist this morning, and she said they were abnormal and amounted to 'sophisticated self-harm!' It's how I've always eaten and although I've known it wasn't good for me, to have it put in that way sort of brought it home. Anyway... I'm not going to go back to the Big Plan for that. I'm going to eat healthily in conjunction with my new exercise routine and put it in the 'taking care of myself' project I'm working on. To give it too much emphasis on its own will be counter productive for me and I will find myself calorie counting or becoming obsessive about it, which is NOT GOOD. I don't have a weight issue, it really is ok for me to have chocolate when I fancy it, and I have to let this one go a bit.
But the smoking, that's the one. I didn't keep track of the day I quit but it must be nearly 3 weeks or so ago? That's fantastic for me...and what's better is that I have whole chunks of time during the day now when I don't think of it at all. I much prefer being a non-smoker. I am saving money, I smell better, I look better (apparently, both my H and my therapist have commented on that), I have more time to do things when I'm not constantly disappearing into the garden to smoke, I've got more energy and I'm less anxious (and to think I thought smoking actually helped with anxiety!!)
The real me , the authentic me.. Now this has caused me some difficulties to write, and I'm still not absolutely sure why. So I'm just going to type it and press the submit button....
The real Jen...she BELIEVES IN HERSELF. She is strong enough to face whatever comes her way with compassion and empathy for others. She has self-worth, she recognises her achievements and is proud of them. She is kind to herself, she acknowledges that's its more than ok to put herself first sometimes. She is able to take both criticism and praise when it's due and is sure enough in herself that neither will produce any emotional over-reaction. She is a good friend, a good wife and a good Mother. She is a fair and competent leader of others in the workplace. She is an advocate for the children she works with and is strong enough to champion their rights when all others appear to disagree. She takes chances, even when there is a risk of failing. She is fit and healthy, she looks after herself physically and mentally. She is able to listen and respond to others with love and compassion yet not be swayed in what she believes to be true.
She doesn't drink. She doesn't smoke. She is worth more than that....
Ok, deep breaths...submit!
But the smoking, that's the one. I didn't keep track of the day I quit but it must be nearly 3 weeks or so ago? That's fantastic for me...and what's better is that I have whole chunks of time during the day now when I don't think of it at all. I much prefer being a non-smoker. I am saving money, I smell better, I look better (apparently, both my H and my therapist have commented on that), I have more time to do things when I'm not constantly disappearing into the garden to smoke, I've got more energy and I'm less anxious (and to think I thought smoking actually helped with anxiety!!)
The real me , the authentic me.. Now this has caused me some difficulties to write, and I'm still not absolutely sure why. So I'm just going to type it and press the submit button....
The real Jen...she BELIEVES IN HERSELF. She is strong enough to face whatever comes her way with compassion and empathy for others. She has self-worth, she recognises her achievements and is proud of them. She is kind to herself, she acknowledges that's its more than ok to put herself first sometimes. She is able to take both criticism and praise when it's due and is sure enough in herself that neither will produce any emotional over-reaction. She is a good friend, a good wife and a good Mother. She is a fair and competent leader of others in the workplace. She is an advocate for the children she works with and is strong enough to champion their rights when all others appear to disagree. She takes chances, even when there is a risk of failing. She is fit and healthy, she looks after herself physically and mentally. She is able to listen and respond to others with love and compassion yet not be swayed in what she believes to be true.
She doesn't drink. She doesn't smoke. She is worth more than that....
Ok, deep breaths...submit!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Originally Posted by freshstart57
Who is cutting onions? Somebody, I can tell.
I tell you, it got my beast truly rumbled... I just had THE biggest craving for a cigarette I've felt since the first few days of quitting. I had to walk it off and go back to the urge surfing routine again. It surely wants me dead...
Anyway, I forgot to mention in my earlier post...the real Jen gets scared, that's ok, but she doesn't hide from it. No, she holds her head up high and walks straight through the middle of it. She's badass. That's for sure.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 3,360
You're right M.B. I do doubt myself about the overeating. Why give power to the doubt? Wise words. Not in greatest mood this morning had a very unpleasant drinking dream. Like the info about high quality foods. Glad you walked off the cigarette urge, Jeni. 
Take care this weekend
Bloss
Take care this weekend
Bloss
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, all.
I'm a little bit wiped out emotionally, but overall Ok. I was at the property in question. Usually I'm just freaking out before going there - it evokes a lot of emotions and hurtful memories. My Mom passed away there. It's like rotating a knife in the wound. But today it was different. I got myself together. It was just a first step, but a long journey begins with nothing but a first step.
And still no 'rewarding" myself after. My mind still laps behind the body - while my body is definitely more than happy with all that, mind wants all this "rewarding' stuff. Or, to be more precise, it's the beast.
Anyway, it's been almost two weeks since I made my big plan and I can tell - It does help me. During these two weeks I've never been on binge eating, though this time's been quite stressful to me.
Jeni - kudos to you for turning down this urge. You act like a real badass.
And what a great description you've made! I love this Jeni - true authentic Jeni.
I am with you about BELIEVE IN MYSELF.
'Sophisticated self-harm!' - Wow. What a term! I thinks that's what I've been doing for a long time fore myself too.
I think if you just add more veggies, fruit, lean meat and other healthy food, it would be just great. One step at a time - you are dealing with smoking now, and there's surely now use to overwhelm yourself with calories counting, etc.
"the real Jen gets scared, that's ok, but she doesn't hide from it. No, she holds her head up high and walks straight through the middle of it. She's badass. That's for sure." - I love it!!!!
You are doing great, my Badass Pal. So glad for you)
Oh, I didn't get this "cutting onions" either first.))))
Bloss - there's absolutely no use to give power to doubt. It has no power of its own, so it sucks ours. Once we stop feeding it, it dies. Hope your mood will be better soon.
Best wishes to all)
I'm a little bit wiped out emotionally, but overall Ok. I was at the property in question. Usually I'm just freaking out before going there - it evokes a lot of emotions and hurtful memories. My Mom passed away there. It's like rotating a knife in the wound. But today it was different. I got myself together. It was just a first step, but a long journey begins with nothing but a first step.
And still no 'rewarding" myself after. My mind still laps behind the body - while my body is definitely more than happy with all that, mind wants all this "rewarding' stuff. Or, to be more precise, it's the beast.
Anyway, it's been almost two weeks since I made my big plan and I can tell - It does help me. During these two weeks I've never been on binge eating, though this time's been quite stressful to me.
Jeni - kudos to you for turning down this urge. You act like a real badass.
And what a great description you've made! I love this Jeni - true authentic Jeni.
I am with you about BELIEVE IN MYSELF.
'Sophisticated self-harm!' - Wow. What a term! I thinks that's what I've been doing for a long time fore myself too.
I think if you just add more veggies, fruit, lean meat and other healthy food, it would be just great. One step at a time - you are dealing with smoking now, and there's surely now use to overwhelm yourself with calories counting, etc.
"the real Jen gets scared, that's ok, but she doesn't hide from it. No, she holds her head up high and walks straight through the middle of it. She's badass. That's for sure." - I love it!!!!
You are doing great, my Badass Pal. So glad for you)
Oh, I didn't get this "cutting onions" either first.))))
Bloss - there's absolutely no use to give power to doubt. It has no power of its own, so it sucks ours. Once we stop feeding it, it dies. Hope your mood will be better soon.
Best wishes to all)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Well done MB. It sounds a stressful and potentially emotional day for you, but you walked through it. Yes, it was just one day, but it is very often the first step that's the hardest to take. And you just strode right on through it like the badass you are...proud of you girl.
Yes, I'm going to relax a bit with the eating. I was anorexic in my teens and although I eat badly now it is just part of a wider problem of not taking care of myself. Ok I will put that in the past tense...it WAS part of when I USED NOT to take care of myself. I have been eating much better during the past week and exercising every day. I'm playing badminton with the kids tomorrow, and I'm really looking forward to doing something healthy as a family. My son is super sporty, he's out at least 3 nights a week doing training of some sort and playing football, and he's so supportive of my new endeavours. I'm not sure I will last 5 minutes on a court playing him, but what a gift it is to have us all together doing something healthy and wholesome. And I won't be diving outside to have a crafty cigarette, that thought makes me shudder.
I think healthy eating will just come along naturally with my improved health. At least that's what I'm hoping. No, not hoping....that IS what will happen.
And MB..2 weeks...no bingeing?? That is awesome.
So glad I've got you as my badass pal. Take care xx
Yes, I'm going to relax a bit with the eating. I was anorexic in my teens and although I eat badly now it is just part of a wider problem of not taking care of myself. Ok I will put that in the past tense...it WAS part of when I USED NOT to take care of myself. I have been eating much better during the past week and exercising every day. I'm playing badminton with the kids tomorrow, and I'm really looking forward to doing something healthy as a family. My son is super sporty, he's out at least 3 nights a week doing training of some sort and playing football, and he's so supportive of my new endeavours. I'm not sure I will last 5 minutes on a court playing him, but what a gift it is to have us all together doing something healthy and wholesome. And I won't be diving outside to have a crafty cigarette, that thought makes me shudder.
I think healthy eating will just come along naturally with my improved health. At least that's what I'm hoping. No, not hoping....that IS what will happen.
And MB..2 weeks...no bingeing?? That is awesome.
So glad I've got you as my badass pal. Take care xx
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, all.
My morning check-in. I feel ok, though, now, when I don't turn to food for comforting I can see distinctly all these procrastination and lack of self-belief issues that hold me back and stand in my way.
I'm afraid to make a mistake and "not to act perfect".
I think it's high time to tackle this issues.
I'll be back later.
Jeni, have a great Sunday!
My morning check-in. I feel ok, though, now, when I don't turn to food for comforting I can see distinctly all these procrastination and lack of self-belief issues that hold me back and stand in my way.
I'm afraid to make a mistake and "not to act perfect".
I think it's high time to tackle this issues.
I'll be back later.
Jeni, have a great Sunday!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Morning fellow badasses...
MB-I can totally relate to the lack of self belief and the need for perfection my friend...but for me there is that bit of me that likes to self-sabotage when things are going well. The voice that tells me not to believe, not to trust, not to allow myself any reprieve from the darkness that is inside me somewhere.
Lets face it, life wasn't ever going to miraculously transform when we stopped drinking, smoking, over-eating etc was it. We still have those issues that led us into addiction and there they are, laid out bare before us. But, unless we face them, we are stuck.
And we are facing them aren't we, step by step. No more hiding my badass pal. We are strong. Things hurt, things are confusing, things are scary. But moving forward is THE ONLY DIRECTION for us now.
Jen x
And was binge eating ever a comfort? Really? Did it actually make you feel better, solve any problems? X
MB-I can totally relate to the lack of self belief and the need for perfection my friend...but for me there is that bit of me that likes to self-sabotage when things are going well. The voice that tells me not to believe, not to trust, not to allow myself any reprieve from the darkness that is inside me somewhere.
Lets face it, life wasn't ever going to miraculously transform when we stopped drinking, smoking, over-eating etc was it. We still have those issues that led us into addiction and there they are, laid out bare before us. But, unless we face them, we are stuck.
And we are facing them aren't we, step by step. No more hiding my badass pal. We are strong. Things hurt, things are confusing, things are scary. But moving forward is THE ONLY DIRECTION for us now.
Jen x
And was binge eating ever a comfort? Really? Did it actually make you feel better, solve any problems? X
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Originally Posted by Jeni26
but for me there is that bit of me that likes to self-sabotage when things are going well. The voice that tells me not to believe, not to trust, not to allow myself any reprieve from the darkness that is inside me somewhere.
But moving forward is THE ONLY DIRECTION for us now.
And was binge eating ever a comfort? Really? Did it actually make you feel better, solve any problems? X
But moving forward is THE ONLY DIRECTION for us now.
And was binge eating ever a comfort? Really? Did it actually make you feel better, solve any problems? X
Hi, Jeni. Awesome post. You are one hell of a badass pal, I should say.
Self-sabotage - that's what I'm constantly doing to myself.
Binge eating was never a comfort, it made problems worse. I was escaping from solving issues, and it hid my real me. It made me think that I was really weak so I couldn't deal with problems and to numb my pain I drank/went on binge eating.
But it's not true! I am strong, I just got the opposite idea somewhere along the line. And I am learning to act up to the real person I am - strong, confident, and brave.
I can see so much change in your posts, Jeni - with every post there's more real Jeni, less AV!
See you later)
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Ok, now when I am not bingeing over anxiety and other issues, I can see how much crap I have on my mind.
I actually have noticed now how much room in my mind was consumed by thoughts about eating, how obsessive it was. All day long I’ve been looking for this "food reward", and it was the only reward I could get.
I’ve already mentioned in my earlier posts some things I am going to write about now. And, mind you, I am sick and tired of them myself because they look like a pity-party, and as if I blame my past and other people for that. I just want to put it on paper now, once more, and leave behind.
Like “reverse event horizon” - once I cross this line there will be no way back. Why reverse? Because I am not going to be swallowed by the black hole that’s been sucking energy, power and my life out of me. It will be my beast whom I force beyond this event horizon, and there it will stay.
So, I asked myself: “WHY did I start binge eating in the first place?
Because I didn’t know what to do. I mean I knew what to do, but didn’t know HOW to do.
Because I always felt like whatever I did it was doomed for failure. And it didn’t matter, if I actually succeeded or not. As if there was always something that rained of my parade. Or someone always to tell me: “Yes, you did it, but….”
It can be called destructive perfectionism, fear of failure, self-harm, self- sabotage - all these are links of the same chain that hindered my movements. Like I’ve spent most of my life in a straight jacket of mental BS.
Why do I think I don’t know how to do anything? Am I stupid? NO!
And when I start doing something, I do it right.
What are the reasons, then? I see them as follows:
1. I don’t believe in myself.
I am always waiting for someone “to approve” my decision, my plan, my actions. I blindly believe that almost EVERYONE knows better than me how to do anything, and will do it better.
And it’s a vicious circle.
2. I am hell afraid to make a mistake and to be not perfect. Yeah, old song, I know. I am always afraid, once some great opportunity is granted to me, I will not use "properly". And this opportunity will be the last one I will ever get. As “handout of destiny” which I don’t deserve. And once I screwed up with this chance, there will be no forgiveness for me.
3. I really hate myself. Yes, I do. For a long time the first thought that came to my mind when I woke up was: “You are a fool. You are a coward who is afraid to face reality”. And so on. I took it like “I deserved that. It was “normal”. You know, kind of “pep-talk” to shake me up and force to action. Really?
I hate myself. I hate to go outside because I hate the way I look. Only when I get back home, to my “comfort zone”, I can breathe a sigh of relief. I am not “exposed” any more. No one sees me. No one will criticize me.
4. I’ve been criticized all my life - for not being perfect enough, beautiful enough, successful enough, for not making enough money. For not getting married when it was “high time to get married”.
And, I believe it’s high time to say now “ENOUGH”. That’s enough. Why don’t you people, who’s been so eager to criticize me, go and achieve all this yourselves, instead of criticizing me?
For a long time I’ve been treated like an asset. And an asset is considered to be good only when it generates fair profit on investments made. And what if not? Then it doesn’t deserve love. Unconditional love? Really? Maybe, it’s time for me to give some of this to myself?
It was like “lose-lose” situation. And why to bother at all and do anything, if profit generated is never high enough?
On the other side, I wish I looked at the situation back then another way: “If I am losing anyway, why just don’t have a ball and enjoy the game?” Well, at least, I can do it now.
It’s ridiculous how twisted, perverted, and deformed my perception of reality and myself has been all this time.
Constant people-pleasing.
Combined fear of being “not perfect” and “too good” at the same time.
It’s enough.
Bottomline, I procrastinate to take actions because:
- I am waiting for “approval”
- I am waiting for “better times” because I thought I wasn’t strong/smart/experienced enough, and to succeed in something I needed some “magical circumstances” to help me.
That’s enough.
How can I deal with it.
- Act. There’s nothing like action. More actions you take, more experienced you are. It’s like being afraid to go to a gym because you can’t do squats with 50 kg barbell. You can go on binge eating, drink, procrastinate, picture it in mind, gather your courage - none of this will help. Until you actually go to the gym and start doing squats. Then eventually you will do it with 50 kg barbell.
I’ve also realized that food was the only reward I knew and I could give to myself. Because if was the SAFEST REWARD. Really, it’s so “safe” to be stuck inside with a full plate of sweets.
All other rewards involve stepping out the comfort zone.
I think I have to make a list of other rewards, because right now it’s hard for me to come up with anything available. Everything that crosses my mind is either too expensive, or too… Long story short - I an not good enough for other rewards. Crap.
Ok, one more thing. I know it’s a very long post again.
The beast is so scared of real Badass Midnight.
It’s been using all sorts of lie to hide the real me from myself. It’s not new tactics to build up a myth to frighten and intimidate someone.
My beast made up a myth that I am weak and “not good enough”. It built a wall of BS so I couldn’t see who I am. Because once I saw I would never listen to it again. Like ancient-time swindlers used to hide caves with treasures, telling ****-and-bull stories that dragons and monsters live there. Aha.
It bluffs, throws dust into my eyes, uses screening smoke, and scared me with a gun charged with blanks.
You are pathetic, because blanks and dust - it’s all you have.
I’d like to wrap up this post with something positive. Here are my goals by far:
1. Enjoy life TODAY, RIGHT NOW. No more this BS - “When I pass exams, I will enjoy life. When I get a job and earn enough money. When I please everyone. When I am perfect. When I resolve my current issues.” Screw it. NOW.
2. I need a challenge. Something that is fun. I’ve always hated the way I turn on pictures. So, my challenge is to go for a professional photo shooting not later than July 15 (this year, I mean). I’ve been thinking about it, but was afraid to say it aloud. Ok, now I’m” writing it aloud”.
3. I will care for myself. Really care.
Best wishes to all)
I actually have noticed now how much room in my mind was consumed by thoughts about eating, how obsessive it was. All day long I’ve been looking for this "food reward", and it was the only reward I could get.
I’ve already mentioned in my earlier posts some things I am going to write about now. And, mind you, I am sick and tired of them myself because they look like a pity-party, and as if I blame my past and other people for that. I just want to put it on paper now, once more, and leave behind.
Like “reverse event horizon” - once I cross this line there will be no way back. Why reverse? Because I am not going to be swallowed by the black hole that’s been sucking energy, power and my life out of me. It will be my beast whom I force beyond this event horizon, and there it will stay.
So, I asked myself: “WHY did I start binge eating in the first place?
Because I didn’t know what to do. I mean I knew what to do, but didn’t know HOW to do.
Because I always felt like whatever I did it was doomed for failure. And it didn’t matter, if I actually succeeded or not. As if there was always something that rained of my parade. Or someone always to tell me: “Yes, you did it, but….”
It can be called destructive perfectionism, fear of failure, self-harm, self- sabotage - all these are links of the same chain that hindered my movements. Like I’ve spent most of my life in a straight jacket of mental BS.
Why do I think I don’t know how to do anything? Am I stupid? NO!
And when I start doing something, I do it right.
What are the reasons, then? I see them as follows:
1. I don’t believe in myself.
I am always waiting for someone “to approve” my decision, my plan, my actions. I blindly believe that almost EVERYONE knows better than me how to do anything, and will do it better.
And it’s a vicious circle.
2. I am hell afraid to make a mistake and to be not perfect. Yeah, old song, I know. I am always afraid, once some great opportunity is granted to me, I will not use "properly". And this opportunity will be the last one I will ever get. As “handout of destiny” which I don’t deserve. And once I screwed up with this chance, there will be no forgiveness for me.
3. I really hate myself. Yes, I do. For a long time the first thought that came to my mind when I woke up was: “You are a fool. You are a coward who is afraid to face reality”. And so on. I took it like “I deserved that. It was “normal”. You know, kind of “pep-talk” to shake me up and force to action. Really?
I hate myself. I hate to go outside because I hate the way I look. Only when I get back home, to my “comfort zone”, I can breathe a sigh of relief. I am not “exposed” any more. No one sees me. No one will criticize me.
4. I’ve been criticized all my life - for not being perfect enough, beautiful enough, successful enough, for not making enough money. For not getting married when it was “high time to get married”.
And, I believe it’s high time to say now “ENOUGH”. That’s enough. Why don’t you people, who’s been so eager to criticize me, go and achieve all this yourselves, instead of criticizing me?
For a long time I’ve been treated like an asset. And an asset is considered to be good only when it generates fair profit on investments made. And what if not? Then it doesn’t deserve love. Unconditional love? Really? Maybe, it’s time for me to give some of this to myself?
It was like “lose-lose” situation. And why to bother at all and do anything, if profit generated is never high enough?
On the other side, I wish I looked at the situation back then another way: “If I am losing anyway, why just don’t have a ball and enjoy the game?” Well, at least, I can do it now.
It’s ridiculous how twisted, perverted, and deformed my perception of reality and myself has been all this time.
Constant people-pleasing.
Combined fear of being “not perfect” and “too good” at the same time.
It’s enough.
Bottomline, I procrastinate to take actions because:
- I am waiting for “approval”
- I am waiting for “better times” because I thought I wasn’t strong/smart/experienced enough, and to succeed in something I needed some “magical circumstances” to help me.
That’s enough.
How can I deal with it.
- Act. There’s nothing like action. More actions you take, more experienced you are. It’s like being afraid to go to a gym because you can’t do squats with 50 kg barbell. You can go on binge eating, drink, procrastinate, picture it in mind, gather your courage - none of this will help. Until you actually go to the gym and start doing squats. Then eventually you will do it with 50 kg barbell.
I’ve also realized that food was the only reward I knew and I could give to myself. Because if was the SAFEST REWARD. Really, it’s so “safe” to be stuck inside with a full plate of sweets.
All other rewards involve stepping out the comfort zone.
I think I have to make a list of other rewards, because right now it’s hard for me to come up with anything available. Everything that crosses my mind is either too expensive, or too… Long story short - I an not good enough for other rewards. Crap.
Ok, one more thing. I know it’s a very long post again.
The beast is so scared of real Badass Midnight.
It’s been using all sorts of lie to hide the real me from myself. It’s not new tactics to build up a myth to frighten and intimidate someone.
My beast made up a myth that I am weak and “not good enough”. It built a wall of BS so I couldn’t see who I am. Because once I saw I would never listen to it again. Like ancient-time swindlers used to hide caves with treasures, telling ****-and-bull stories that dragons and monsters live there. Aha.
It bluffs, throws dust into my eyes, uses screening smoke, and scared me with a gun charged with blanks.
You are pathetic, because blanks and dust - it’s all you have.
I’d like to wrap up this post with something positive. Here are my goals by far:
1. Enjoy life TODAY, RIGHT NOW. No more this BS - “When I pass exams, I will enjoy life. When I get a job and earn enough money. When I please everyone. When I am perfect. When I resolve my current issues.” Screw it. NOW.
2. I need a challenge. Something that is fun. I’ve always hated the way I turn on pictures. So, my challenge is to go for a professional photo shooting not later than July 15 (this year, I mean). I’ve been thinking about it, but was afraid to say it aloud. Ok, now I’m” writing it aloud”.
3. I will care for myself. Really care.
Best wishes to all)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 3,360
Hey everyone, I am going to retread all these posts a few times to absorb all the sharing. Even though we are all from such different parts of the world, we have so much in common...deep down, hidden from the daily face we wear in our lives.
I know I'm older than most of you, but I've felt most of the feelings being shared, I just couldn't get them out there. So deep down, hidden, behind all the eating, drinking, whatever I was doing at the time to avoid...I feel exposed, going to take awhile to adjust.
I know I'm older than most of you, but I've felt most of the feelings being shared, I just couldn't get them out there. So deep down, hidden, behind all the eating, drinking, whatever I was doing at the time to avoid...I feel exposed, going to take awhile to adjust.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
