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AVRT to cope with emotional binge eating

Old 07-12-2013, 12:47 PM
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Hi, pals.

I've just suddenly realized today how tired I actually am from the Beast. With its tricks, wicked logic, messing up with my thoughts, pretending to be me, and having one and ultimate goal - to divert me from my goals in life and to make my mind and body a comfortable place for itself.

I needed extra medical examination, but I had to find the hospital where they do it, and then sort out this red tape issues about it.

I found a couple of hospitals in my area, called them. One seemed to be a good option, and they don't need an appointment - you just go there during working hours, go to the specialist and do "first come first served". Ok, their working hours are 10 a.m. - 4 p.m. It was about 2 p.m today when I called.

Surely, my immediate reaction was: "Ok, I'll do it next week". And AV started to whisper: "You are not ready. What if news are bad? You'll spoil your weekend. You need some time to gather up courage". And so on, and so far.

But.. Walk through the fear, right? So, I've decided - what the heck? The hospital is about 15 min drive, I still have time TODAY. NOW. And this issue's been really bugging me. And even if news are not good, the earlier I'll take care about it, the better.

So, I grabbed my purse, popped in the car, and headed there.

I was there by 3 p.m. I was through the examination by 3.30. I have an appointment with a doctor next week, but from what I see on the note of the X-ray specialist, news are not bad.

By 4 p.m I was back home.

By 6 p.m I've finished the article I had to write.

Then I had a great boxing workout - they even let me in the ring today to practice punches with a trainer!

I got back from workout and got to my writing.

I don't listen to AV. It sucks. It's powerless.

Have a great weekend, pals)
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Old 07-12-2013, 01:03 PM
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Ha! That's more like it!!!!

MB is back. I wondered where you had gone, that AV sure tried to impersonate you for a while!

Have a good weekend my friend xxx
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Old 07-13-2013, 02:36 AM
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Thanks, Jeni.

I feel more like myself too)

And I've just got my boxing gloves.

Look out, Beast.
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Old 07-13-2013, 03:46 AM
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Excellent! I'm loving the gloves

I've just got home from my therapy session. It seems the further I go, the more craziness is being uncovered. I asked if I was getting worse rather than better. I guess I'm worried I will slip into some form of total insanity, but she reassured me that I'm getting better and just recognising and understanding the way my mind processes stuff. I can cope with flashbacks, anxiety and dissociating, but it seems I'm a little loopier than at first thought.....hmm. A little disappointing. She said it may take years to work through my sh*t. I want to be fixed immediately of course but that won't happen apparently.

Well, I'm not smoking or drinking, and it's a beautiful sunny day here so crazy or not, I'm going to relax and enjoy.

Have a good day everyone xxx
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Old 07-13-2013, 12:42 PM
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Oh, Jeni. I can totally relate to this more craziness discovered. It's like digging and digging, and taking out all the mud and trash, and you still can't see where's this precious reservoir with oil which will finally fountain and you can take a break.

I was quite impatient as well. I wanted to be fixed ASAP. But it turned out to be a long process. It's been about ten years since my first session with my therapist. Sometimes I attended sessions for a few months, and the current issues were somewhat resolved. Than was a break for a year, or few months, and another issue popped up. Don't rush and push yourself. You are making progress - there's no doubt.

And, I should say - you are making awesome progress. Your posts speak volumes.

Have a great sunny weekend, my pal)



Beast is waiting for me to give in.
Always here to catch me flatfooted.
I don't care, I know - I'll win.
Though issues are so deep-rooted.

It's my life that is here at stake.
It's my future I'm fighting about.
And the Beast - it's just nothing but fake.
I'll destroy it by killing my doubt.
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Old 07-13-2013, 01:41 PM
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You're so cool, do you know that?x

I can't quite get my head round today's therapy. I'm wanting to just stop going at this point because its all getting so intense and it's scaring me.

I'm sober, I don't smoke. I have just managed to stop waking in the night in terror and I am really starting to enjoy my life now. So, I don't want to go any further with this. She diagnosed me with a psychiatric disorder today and I don't want this label. At the risk of sounding like a kid...it's not fair.

If I walked away from it now, I reckon I would be just fine. Some things are just better left alone. That's the truth.

My head is spinning a bit from this. I need time to work out where to go from here.
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Old 07-14-2013, 01:20 AM
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Hi, all)

Feeling good today, not dwelling on things, giving myself a break from "heavy thoughts". And, I think, apart from Sunday I have another reason to indulge myself in "no-hard-thinking-no-worries-about -future" state. I'm hitting 9 months sobriety milestone today!

Jeni - if you keep telling me that I'm cool, I'm kind of gonna believe it)))) Thank you.

And I understand you completely about wanting to stop therapy at the point where you start feeling good and at peace with yourself. I've been at these stages a couple of times. I was afraid that any step further would ruin this subtle and newborn state of enjoying life. When scales of life finally seems to lean to happiness, and it's really scary to unsettle this fragile balance.

Have you shared your concerns with your therapist? What does she think about it? I was honest about this with mine, and said openly that I didn't want to go further. And it was ok with the therapy - not good or bad. I just had to become more emotionally mature and stable to deal with it. Like you plant a seed and wait for a flower to grow and bloom, and you can't fasten the process - it happens naturally at its proper time.

As for being labelled with a disorder... Doctors have their terminology that may sound pretty terrifying even though it's not that scary. They call near-sightedness myopia, call some frightening names problems with my thyroid, and even when they removed my big mole it was something like "benign nevus" in their books. How about that?

I googled psychiatric disorder and that's what WiKi says: "According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), over a third of people in most countries report problems at some time in their life which meet criteria for diagnosis of one or more of the common types of mental disorder". Meaning that a third dared to report it. And I think another two thirds just didn't report))

It's damn hard to find a person to behave and react "normally". So, don't take this label too close to your heart, my friend). It means there's some area to be taken care of. But again - who of us doesn't have it? Talk to your therapist. I'm sure you'll work out the best way how to deal with issues that have to be fixed and not to ruin your so wanted joy in life.


And, I've learned how to wrap my hands for boxing)) Never been "a pink girl", but decided to stop being so serious and instead of buying black wrapping ribbons, ordered pink ones) My trainer would defly got a kick - poor thing, he's just started to get used to this badass blond hanging with his team of 7 males).

Have a great Sunday, my pal. Enjoy your life today)
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Old 07-14-2013, 01:46 AM
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Congratulations on your 9 months!!! Blimey, that last month flew past didn't it??!!

Good advice not to get lost in heavy thoughts today. The particular psychiatric disorder I was diagnosed with is 'dissociative identity disorder' and I've spent hours researching it on the Internet. It explains so much for me. I've been under so much stress recently with my job and losing my friend, that old coping mechanisms that I used in childhood have re-emerged. Or maybe they've always been there, it's just now I'm recognising them. Don't know.

I need a break though from work, from stress, and from analysing everything.

I've let the exercise slip a bit in the past couple of weeks. It's so hot here and I've been working such long hours. God...what a sh*tload of excuses.....

Today I'm on my own. I'm going to get out of my head and go for a swim later.

I'm a badass. I almost forgot! I might be a loopy one, but a badass nonetheless...

Have a good day. The pink gloves made me smile by the way....and yeah, you're very very cool xxx
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Old 07-14-2013, 07:06 AM
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love your thread! Very timely to read it as after quitting alcohol 6 months ago, smoking 2 months ago - I'm gearing up to focus on eating next. It's all connected - it's all anxiety as you said.
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Old 07-14-2013, 11:39 AM
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Hi, pals.

Jeni - thanks for congrats! I hope you'll spend this day out of thinking, and analyzing, and just enjoying. You deserve it so much! And you are real badass, because you stick to you goal whatever happens. You don't give in and constantly move forward. Take care of yourself, treat yourself to something nice)

SereneEdition - glad to see you here! Welcome to our thread! Anxiety causes a lot of problems and it's often masked with addiction of any type. I find AVRT quite helpful in fighting it. Keep posting!

Bloss - hope your Sunday is going fine and AV is not bothering you.

I had a nice workout in the gym (weightlifting today), then treated myself to nice bracelets to remind myself about sobriety achievements. They are not expensive but really nice. One has links in the form of hearts - to remind me to give more love to myself. And another - in the form of wings - I will need wings to achieve next heights in life and AVRT))

My big hugs to you, pals.

Have a great day/night.
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Old 07-15-2013, 10:58 AM
  # 251 (permalink)  
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Hi, Pals.

Feeling somewhat low today. Feel stuck, like I am at the dead end, and instead of hurrying up and getting out there, just keep staring at the wall waiting for it to fly, disappear, whatever.

But.. On the bright side - I am not eating over it. The Beast tried to talk me into getting something "delicious" but I suggested it could go kick some stones, because there's nothing for it here. And if it persists, I have boxing gloves now)

I know it's time to bite the bullet and take actions in life. But I am so afraid to be "missed in action" again, and betray my dreams and goals, if it makes sense.

Anyway..

I hope everyone has a non-stressful Monday.

See you, pals.

And, BTW, I am writing Badass Code.

Coming soon)
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Old 07-15-2013, 10:57 PM
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Hey there...life isn't easy sometimes that's for sure. But I know you've got every bit of the strength you need to knock down those walls. And if you can't knock them down, you can bloody well climb over them.

I believe in you, my cool badass friend. That beast is no match for you. You don't even need those boxing gloves, you can just turn away from it.

Stay strong xxx
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Old 07-16-2013, 12:30 PM
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Hi, pals.

A quick check-in from me.


Jeni, thanks for encouraging words) I like what you said about walls!

I had a very good session with my therapist today. Felt really great after. And guess what? AV showed up: "You are feeling so great. Let's make it even better with some sweets and cookies and ice-cream. You don't have a lot days like this, so you should use it 'to the full extent".

Really? Oh, shut up. I feel great but you have nothing to do with it, idiot. I don't listen to you.

See you, pals)
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Old 07-16-2013, 01:08 PM
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Doing better regarding my (beast) overeating...love the pink gloves
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Old 07-17-2013, 05:13 AM
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Hi, pals)

I saw the Doc today, and I'm ok) Nothing new, the same old issues. The Doc was really nice. Have an appointment with another specialist tomorrow.

Bloss - glad you are doing better! Remember - the Beast is powerless.

Jeni - how are you doing? How's your sessions with the therapist? Hope you are ok, my badass pal.

I've come across a great quote today which I'd like to share. I think it is just exactly badass style.


He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life. - Muhammad Ali

See you soon)
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Old 07-17-2013, 10:58 AM
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Hi. Glad your doc appt went ok, and good luck with the specialist.

I don't know how to describe where I am in my head....a bit muddled to say the least. But I will be ok once I come to terms with things a bit. It feels like someone has moved the goalposts and I'm not sure what to aim for any more.

My beast has been whispering every night after work, but I really am not interested in anything it's got to say. I don't smoke and that's the end of it.

I've started making a tentative start on the eating. I've lost my appetite so it's seems a good time to cut out the crap. I haven't spoken much about my weird eating habits, and I will save it for another time. But yeah, they are weird.

Much love to you badass pals. Keep the faith even when it seems the odds are against you xxx
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Old 07-18-2013, 12:33 PM
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Hi, all.

My beast has been whimpering and whining all day. But I don't listen. End of story.

Jeni - I hear you about moved goalposts, been there so many times. I think we are changing on our addiction free road, and see a lot of things in a new light, rediscovering life. And what's been important for a long time is not so any longer... And it takes quite a time to get rid of old baggage and depict new goals and start moving to them.

You are not drinking, not smoking, working on making your life better - sounds like a goal, goal in making this journey.

Great that you are thinking about making some improvements to eating habits) Good food gives more energy and makes feel much better. If you need some info what to start with - feel free to ask)

Bloss - Stay cool in that hot weather)

Best wishes to you pals)

See you tomorrow.
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Old 07-18-2013, 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Jeni26 View Post
Hi. Glad your doc appt went ok, and good luck with the specialist.

I don't know how to describe where I am in my head....a bit muddled to say the least. But I will be ok once I come to terms with things a bit. It feels like someone has moved the goalposts and I'm not sure what to aim for any more.

My beast has been whispering every night after work, but I really am not interested in anything it's got to say. I don't smoke and that's the end of it.

I've started making a tentative start on the eating. I've lost my appetite so it's seems a good time to cut out the crap. I haven't spoken much about my weird eating habits, and I will save it for another time. But yeah, they are weird.

Much love to you badass pals. Keep the faith even when it seems the odds are against you xxx
Hi Jeni,

Understanding your eating habits, and particularly that there is something "weird" about them, sounds like the perfect opportunity to segue into composing and instituting your version of TAPS for your Feast Beast.

Congrats on the nicotine abstention.

GT
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Old 07-18-2013, 10:31 PM
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Thanks GT. yes, I'm proud of myself over the smoking. For years I've been in that quit, relapse, quit, relapse cycle and it feels unbelievably good to have shut the door on that one. I really didn't think it was possible to survive without a cigarette, my AV had me totally convinced of that!

It's strange but I view my addictions as totally separate and so the way I tackle them requires a different approach. My drinking was an attempt for me to numb difficult feelings and emotions and became a very damaging coping mechanism. My smoking was a pure addiction. My AV tried to convince me that I needed it but it was much easier for me to recognise that lie because nicotine couldn't help me 'escape' in the way alcohol did.

Now the eating...well I've always recognised there are issues here, but with an eating disorder in my past I've always stepped very carefully with this. Do I really need to look at this? I'm not overweight, I'm not anorexic or bulimic, I don't calorie count excessively...should I just leave this well alone and give myself a break?

The thing that is convincing me that I need to is that the thought of doing so is enough to produce HUGE beast activity. I've been thinking excessively of crap foods and yesterday spent the evening eating enough rubbish to make me feel sick. Hmm...I was very interested in the TAPS method. I will give that to my beast to kick off about for the next few days but I have a plan to make.

Have a good day everyone x
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Old 07-22-2013, 08:52 AM
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Hi, pals)

Messed up yesterday. Not much, but still.

Failed to recognize my AV again. Or, maybe I recognized it, but...

Some time ago Jeni have me a homework - to spend some time, just an hour being silly, no self-improvement... I'm still trying to to it...

My biggest problem is not even issues I have to deal with. It is when I get sick of myself doing everything right...

And I just have not way to let it out... At some moment my whole soul rebels against it. I don't know how to relax. I feel like I have to do something wrong, if it makes sense.

So I've been following this circle recently - all week I am exercising, eating well, educating myself, working, writing, working on my projects. Then on Sunday when I am supposed to relax I feel like I don't know what to do with it, but I have to do anything but self-improving. And I dont' know other thing. And I turn to this...

Jeni - I agree that dealing with eating habits may provoke huge beast activity. Maybe, just baby steps, introducing new habits little by little. Building a new pattern bit by bit until it is solid and big enough?

Glad to see you pals.

Any ideas for me to relax and stop self-improvement without self-destruction?

See you all later)
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