Jeni26

MB-I'm in awe!! How courageous to write as honestly and openly as that. You have such perception and clarity of thought.

You have such a good understanding of who you are and what led you to those self-destructive behaviours.

I believe you when you say it is time to draw the line...time for you to take action, and I loved your plans to take care of yourself and to enjoy life right now, right this minute. No more putting things off, you've done that for far too long. And the photo shoot....how badass is that?!! Saying in one breath that you hate the way you look, then..arranging to stand in front of a camera...that is TOTAL AND UTTER IN YOUR FACE BADASS BEHAVIOUR!!!

Love it girl. I'm knocked out by you.

Bloss-yeah I reckon we're all experts in hiding...and it's scary to let anyone in. Hell, the people on SR know me better than my own family and most of my friends come to think of it!

This thread is awesome, and helping me so much. Thanks guys x

I've just had a great afternoon playing badminton with my son and his girlfriend and my daughter. Just so much fun and laughter. We mustn't forget to do that. That's what we got sober for, after all x

MidnightBlue

Hi, Jeni)

Thank you))

Glad to hear you've had a great day and fun today. I agree - sobriety is such a gift!

And I absolutely agree also that my friends here, on SR, know me better than my friends in "reality". I can be my true self here.

Bloss - you are so right - we are from different parts of the world but have so much in common. And it takes quite a time to "be exposed". I think sometimes we are afraid to expose our inner light. But your light is exposing itself in your posts, I can feel it)

So grateful to you, my pals, that you are with me on this journey!

Enjoy your day)

MidnightBlue

Hi, all.

I'm ok, though Mondays are always somewhat like an 'air-hole" for me - I find myself at a loss.

It turned out that this habit "First I will do this, and then I will enjoy life and get to my goals and dreams" dies very hard. But, I think it's a matter of habit - practice it every day, stick to the goal, and one day it will die.

See you later.

Have a great day.

MidnightBlue

I'm just back from the gym. I've lost about 5 lbs since I made my big plan. Wow.

But, surely, lost weight is just "by-product" of other changes - I feel more settled and calm, I don't feel so dependent of food any more. Sweets and cookies don't manipulate my mood.

Who knew! I wish I had made it earlier, but, I am so happy I decided to make it two weeks ago.

Best wishes to all.

Jeni26

Hi fellow badasses, just a quick check-in...I've had a long day at work and gotta do a quick turnaround and head straight back out the door for a meeting.

Just wanted to congratulate you on the weight loss MB..and to remind you that you're beautiful anyway...whatever...

Pleased you're calmer, me too. Although theres no time to eat tonight so I'm not as healthy as you!!

Xx

MidnightBlue

Hi, Jeni)

Thanks for congrats and nice words)

Have a good meeting!

bloss

Hello friends
Wow, sort of glad the weekend is over, we had a heat wave. I think it made my hubby and I sort of "testy" all weekend. I've got my positive plan for today and I'm sticking to it. Sometimes, my mind wanders to unhelpful feelings and images. Just now I decided no, I'm not going there today.

M.B. losing 5 pounds is empowering. I'm happy you are feeling calmer and more serene. Totally agree about always thinking first I have to do this, then enjoy life. I'm going to practice enjoying the moment rather than some distant, "maybe" future.

Jeni: Enjoy the meeting, badminton sounds such fun, haven't played in years!
Take care today and everyday
Bloss

Jeni26

I'm finding the things I HAVE to do and the things I WANT to do are littered around my day and quite hard to separate. Some parts of every day are great, some not so. I can't always predict which way it'll go, so I'm learning to take the rough with the smooth.

I had a great morning at work, then all hell let loose at 1 o'clock and the afternoon was really stressful. I decided instead of carrying the stress home and giving the beast a chance to pipe up, I would try and be a grown-up about it and DEAL with it...!! So I took the sh*t and all the accompanying feelings of inadequacy that I felt as a result and off-loaded at a management meeting after work.. Do you know, that's what people do with work issues?? They share them with the appropriate support network, they DON'T feel like they have to cope with everything themselves and then go home feeling useless and smoke themselves to death and lay awake all night fretting.... Well I never!!

I left the crap at work, I've had a cople of texts from my boss this evening who is working hard at resolving some of the issues I encountered because...guess what? They aren't ALL MINE to solve. I'm not a complete loser, I'm a competent member of staff who knows how to problem solve and delegate!

Now I'm exhausted and ready to crash out...I may sleep a little better tonight, and I didn't give my beast a single reason to bug me. He's already asleep and has been all day. Ha!

bloss

Yes, yes and more yes...left the crap at work...not a loser, great positive share!

MidnightBlue

Hi, badass gang)

My beast is having fun today. It creeps in my mind and I am kind of stuck in procrastination.

I am not bingeing, though had some extra chocolate. But still things are under control, but I am freaking out that I don't move forward. I am wasting time as I am going to live forever. Come on, badass Midnight, wake up!

Jeni - great job on leaving your worries at work! It's been always my great issue that I used to drag all the crap at home and kept turning it over and over in my head. Thanks for reminding about that!

Bloss - glad you sticked to your positive plan on the weekend)

You are such inspiration to me, my friends!

Thank you!

MidnightBlue

Well...

I have to admit I've slipped...

It was like obsession.

My day didn't go well, I was not perfect.. And one tiny unimportant mistake I made was enough to act like a safety pin removed from a grenade.

So, I punished myself.

Disappointed.

Off to the gym to burn some calories and restore my self-esteem.

I think I have to keep my Big Plan in plain view.

Beast is so devious.

Jeni26

Hey my badass pal...there was nothing devious about that beast...re-read your last few posts.

First there was that 'I don't like Mondays', then 'I'm stuck in procrastinating, I'm not moving forward, I've had extra chocolate but its ok'...then today 'I've slipped, I'm not perfect, I've made a mistake'.

I reckon that ugly beast was showing itself very clearly, it was running scared of the new you. It wanted to knock you back into that space where it was able to thrive. So it worked a bit every day til it wore you down.

You are stronger than the beast. Listen to those whispers and recognise them for the lies they are. It sounds like it plays the long game with you..chipping away at your confidence until you forget the truth. Listen and recognise those whispers, that nagging. It isn't you. Not the badass Midnight I've come to know over the past couple of weeks. Not even close.

Make that promise to treat yourself with the kindness and compassion you deserve. You don't need to feel guilt or disappointment. You can move on from this. Onward and upward my badass pal.

You are worth so much more xx

MidnightBlue

Thank you for this great post, Jeni.

I couldn't say it better.

You've seen in my posts what I really missed. You are so right.

Tomorrow will be a new day.

Thank you!

I hope your day's been much better. How are you doing?

Jeni26

I'm doing ok. Work continues to be very full-on but I did an hour at the gym on the way home and it really helped.

My beast is far less subtle than yours...it stays silent for much of the day then starts screaming 'youneedacigarettegoandgetapackNOW!!!!' with such force I'm almost out the door and on my way to the shop before I come to my senses.

My rational brain takes a few minutes to process the lies and I am able to stop each time. But I need to remain very vigilant. The urges are happening far less often but when they hit, they almost have me convinced!!

But I'm feeling so much calmer and less anxious without smoking, and the eating better/exercising project is already impacting significantly on my health.

I'm feeling a little sad, but that's ok, I've got a lot of stuff to work my way through at the moment. But I will get there xx

bloss

Feeling tired today and a little strange. These were the types of days I'd go get a few things for dinner including my secret stash of alcohol. Guess we have to be kind, treat ourselves as we would treat another. On a day like this I give myself a break, remember how much better it is than last year at this time.

Jeni: your post helped me to remember how necessary to remain vigilant and to just be ok with today

M.B. your honest sharing is so uplifting to read, Jeni is right. You are strong and so worthy of happiness.
Going to push reset to my day, right now
Bloss

MidnightBlue

Hi, all.

My Beast has been nasty today. It's been trying its best weapon against me - negative self-talk.

It took me some time to recover. I've been in blue mood all day long.

My beast fights against my dreams and goals.

I wasn't perfect today. But still I didn't go on binge, I curbed my cravings and stopped. Actually, I re-red my big plan and stopped. It's been always extremely hard for me - I either completely stay away from cookies or eat them up to the last crumb. But today I just had some, and stopped.


My yesterday's binge is hanging right on my belly. Damn.

It's still hard to focus on one day at a time. I have to set strict borderlines so negative thinking doesn't contaminate the entire day, at least.

Focus on positive. Ok, why don't encourage myself the way I often do if someone slips on the recovery road.

I've had 16 binge-free days vs. just one yesterday. If it was 17-round boxing fight I would still be a winner.

Yes, I kind of relaxed. I've been doing well - light on feet, defense is not bad, I know most of the tricks which my adversary uses. I forgot that I should be vigilant all the time.

And I missed a punch.

All of sudden I was on the ropes.

What in the world was that? How could I miss it? I feel so frustrated I am ready to cry.

The referee is approaching.

- Can you get up?
- Absolutely.
- I am counting. One.

I am angry.

Two.

I am on my feet.

Three.

It hurts.

Four.

My vision is still blurred with anger and tears.

Five.

My vision is getting clear again.

Six.

I need some ice to put against my bruise.

Seven.

I am taking a deep breath.

Eight.

Another deep breath.

Nine.

I am ready to fight again.

Gong!

Jeni - you beast sounds just like mine some time ago. Kudos to you on curbing it! I am glad you are calmer now. And I can tell you sound so confident in your posts! You seem to like exercising as well. Real badass!

Bloss - you are so right that we should treat ourselves as we would treat another. I think I would never say anything even close to that I am telling myself. Thank you for reminding this!

Have a great day, pals)

See you later.

Jeni26

Nice posts Bloss and MB xx

I'm happy that you've got straight back up and are ready to get going again. Remember that beast can play as nasty as it likes, it can't make you do ANYTHING, you're always gonna be stronger xxx

What's helping me at the moment... I'm a dreadful sleeper, and particularly so since I got sober. I'm always a wee bit envious of people who say that after the first few weeks of sobriety they sleep better than ever, because for me it's been the complete opposite. I wake every morning in the early hours often in a complete panic. I used to go and walk round the garden and smoke until I'd calmed down. The anxiety has lessened in the past two weeks no doubt in part due to therapy and the healthier all-round lifestyle I've been living. But I've also been investing in some early morning positive thinking, and this has become part of my routine now.

I re-read that post I wrote about the real Jen. The one I hesitated over writing and the one I REALLY want to believe. It is how I want to be, an ideal, a snapshot of what could be...

I spend time sitting in the dark gradually replacing all those negative thoughts and memories with new ones.

A positive, mature, confident adult replaces the lost child.

It is hard to do, and I'm not good at it yet. But every day for me starts with a step forward now and not a look back over my shoulder xxx

MidnightBlue

What a beautiful post, Jeni.

I like the way you are replacing your negative thoughts with positive thinking and images. I think I should start doing the same routine because my morning-thinking is still far from being positive.

A positive, mature, confident adult replaces the lost child. - can I borrow this phrase?))

I had sleeping issues too when I quit. I suffered from terrible insomnia for about 4 months. It was real torture.

I hope you'll get some good sleep tonight with relaxing sweet dreams where you'll see the real badass jeni)

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals.

Just a quick check-in for me.

I was really tempted to eat up all the sweets with my morning coffee. But I took a deep breath and... tossed them. Out of sight, out of mind)

Have a great day.

bloss

Hey guys, sounding positive and forward moving, treating yourself with kindness and grace. As for myself, trying to practice what I "preach" is not always easy. I'll keep reading and becoming stronger daily. I have decided this, stronger, not weaker. No more looking at myself and saying mean, nasty things about my appearance or whatever. It just doesn't help and "feeds" the beast.