AVRT to cope with emotional binge eating
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
I've been binge eating for quite a while now. Occasionally have been able to interrupt the cycle and eat healthy for a few days, enough that I know I feel so much better when doing so. Watching myself go back to it, a lot of emotional eating of sweets - salty, is what let's me know it's an addiction, along with the craving monster.
I read up about AVRT a while ago and it did help for a short while. I hope to build mental attitude and strength to do the right thing. Often feel hopeless about it. I often wish I new how to do the purge part of it, but haven't got that half of bulimia.
I have a lot of awareness about my eating, but awareness isn't enough. The habit has me in an iron grip, the quick gratification, the initial sense of control. I don't know how to replace it.
I have a friend who is so self-disciplined she stops her binge and goes into rigid self-control avoiding food and fasting instead. Thus, her relationship with food doesn't show; she looks fit and strong. I'm a different personality (a Nine in enneagram personality theory if you happen to be familiar with that, it explains a lot, lol) from her, I'm artistic in nature, a musician, a writer, a crafts person, a teacher. I've been unsuccessful in using will power.
I've diligently learned all about co-dependency, am very active in our local Al-Anon group, a very healthy one that sustains me and gives me quality of life in a difficult life situation I've chosen not to leave. All of this helps. Now if I could just get the bit (BIG bit/big bite) about loving myself, feeling, self-worth emough to really care for myself in a healthy way, find the energy to stay with it instead of succumbing to depression... well....
I hate to mar your wonderful thread with my post. Thanks for your kind invite Midnight. I guess I'm in a place of observation for now and will watch your inspirational efforts. Keep up the great work!
I read up about AVRT a while ago and it did help for a short while. I hope to build mental attitude and strength to do the right thing. Often feel hopeless about it. I often wish I new how to do the purge part of it, but haven't got that half of bulimia.
I have a lot of awareness about my eating, but awareness isn't enough. The habit has me in an iron grip, the quick gratification, the initial sense of control. I don't know how to replace it.
I have a friend who is so self-disciplined she stops her binge and goes into rigid self-control avoiding food and fasting instead. Thus, her relationship with food doesn't show; she looks fit and strong. I'm a different personality (a Nine in enneagram personality theory if you happen to be familiar with that, it explains a lot, lol) from her, I'm artistic in nature, a musician, a writer, a crafts person, a teacher. I've been unsuccessful in using will power.
I've diligently learned all about co-dependency, am very active in our local Al-Anon group, a very healthy one that sustains me and gives me quality of life in a difficult life situation I've chosen not to leave. All of this helps. Now if I could just get the bit (BIG bit/big bite) about loving myself, feeling, self-worth emough to really care for myself in a healthy way, find the energy to stay with it instead of succumbing to depression... well....
I hate to mar your wonderful thread with my post. Thanks for your kind invite Midnight. I guess I'm in a place of observation for now and will watch your inspirational efforts. Keep up the great work!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Great to have you with us neagrm x.
Not sure I have any great words of advice, but I can certainly relate to the need to care for ourselves in healthy ways. My drinking was always a form of self-harm, well certainly towards the end of my drinking career anyway. I had reached the point of hating the stuff, and only using it when I was so full of self-loathing that I would deliberately set out to get drunk and not care what happened as a result. It is during the times that I feel great frustration or inadequacy in myself that I've been most at risk of relapsing. No fantasies about wanting a glass of wine with dinner for me or trying to convince myself that I could probably moderate this time...no, I get angry and cross with myself for whatever reason and want to get totally plastered and not give a F about the consequences.
I think I realised that my issues ran a whole lot deeper than just abusing alcohol and I've been in therapy for a few months now. That was by far the scariest thing I've ever undertaken because my need to drink to blot stuff out has been turned on its head a bit by confronting my demons. Anyway, although I will admit to thinking about it still in stressful times now, I'm a long way from actually doing it any more.
The smoking seems a whole different ball game to me. I'm not punishing myself by doing that in the same way I did drinking. It's just an addiction. Pure and simple. And I want to be a non-smoker and a generally healthier person for me and for my kids. It still seems so hard at the moment though. My AV is forever changing tactics...today I had the 'you will never be able to relax without a cigarette' and I'm half-believing that one because that's what I relaxed with all the time. I'm going to have to make some really big lifestyle changes, and I'm not sure I have the commitment to do all that at the moment. I need to find motivation from somewhere!!
Not sure I have any great words of advice, but I can certainly relate to the need to care for ourselves in healthy ways. My drinking was always a form of self-harm, well certainly towards the end of my drinking career anyway. I had reached the point of hating the stuff, and only using it when I was so full of self-loathing that I would deliberately set out to get drunk and not care what happened as a result. It is during the times that I feel great frustration or inadequacy in myself that I've been most at risk of relapsing. No fantasies about wanting a glass of wine with dinner for me or trying to convince myself that I could probably moderate this time...no, I get angry and cross with myself for whatever reason and want to get totally plastered and not give a F about the consequences.
I think I realised that my issues ran a whole lot deeper than just abusing alcohol and I've been in therapy for a few months now. That was by far the scariest thing I've ever undertaken because my need to drink to blot stuff out has been turned on its head a bit by confronting my demons. Anyway, although I will admit to thinking about it still in stressful times now, I'm a long way from actually doing it any more.
The smoking seems a whole different ball game to me. I'm not punishing myself by doing that in the same way I did drinking. It's just an addiction. Pure and simple. And I want to be a non-smoker and a generally healthier person for me and for my kids. It still seems so hard at the moment though. My AV is forever changing tactics...today I had the 'you will never be able to relax without a cigarette' and I'm half-believing that one because that's what I relaxed with all the time. I'm going to have to make some really big lifestyle changes, and I'm not sure I have the commitment to do all that at the moment. I need to find motivation from somewhere!!
Sober since October
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, Badass Gang)
Soberlicious - thank you for the info, I'll explore around)
Neagrm - you don't mar the thread) Please, keep posting. I can relate to lack of love for myself. It's quite hard work to learn how to love, respect and be kind to yourself. One step at at time - just make one step. You are artistic nature - that's great! You have so many talents - writing, music, crafting! Wow! There's no use to compare yourself to your friend. You are different and you need a different approach rather than just self-discipline.
I am artistic myself (I am a writer too), and I think I know quite well what you are talking about.
Next time AV shows up dragging you to the fridge and starting the same old song, tell him: "F***k of, I am great. I don't need this. I am hell talented and I can invent other way to cope with my anxiety, depression,etc". I am sure you can.
Hang in here)
Jeni - I agree, smoking and binge eating are just addictions. Though our AVs seem to be hell creative and fight furiously to stay with us. No way, dudes. Don't mess with Badasses)
I hope your stress will ease soon.
I am quite fine today. AV was pushing me again, but I stopped when I had to stop. And just back from the gym, had a great workout.
Best wishes to all)
See you later.
Soberlicious - thank you for the info, I'll explore around)
Neagrm - you don't mar the thread) Please, keep posting. I can relate to lack of love for myself. It's quite hard work to learn how to love, respect and be kind to yourself. One step at at time - just make one step. You are artistic nature - that's great! You have so many talents - writing, music, crafting! Wow! There's no use to compare yourself to your friend. You are different and you need a different approach rather than just self-discipline.
I am artistic myself (I am a writer too), and I think I know quite well what you are talking about.
Next time AV shows up dragging you to the fridge and starting the same old song, tell him: "F***k of, I am great. I don't need this. I am hell talented and I can invent other way to cope with my anxiety, depression,etc". I am sure you can.
Hang in here)
Jeni - I agree, smoking and binge eating are just addictions. Though our AVs seem to be hell creative and fight furiously to stay with us. No way, dudes. Don't mess with Badasses)
I hope your stress will ease soon.
I am quite fine today. AV was pushing me again, but I stopped when I had to stop. And just back from the gym, had a great workout.
Best wishes to all)
See you later.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Step 2 of my Big Plan. Who’s This No-Binge-Eating Midnight - what is she like?
Ok, I think it's high time to picture and visualize the Badass Version of MidnightBlue.
I have to remind that Addictive Voice - IT IS NOT ME, it's just a voice.
It is voice that manipulates me to get what it wants. Like a cardsharper it pulls fake trump cards out of its sleeve and uses them as a way to threaten me, diminish, devaluate my life and convince that I don't deserve to reach my goals and make dreams come true.
First, let’s list what she leaves behind, what she leaves to her AV and her addiction. Things for which there's no place at the New Version since these are trump cards of my AV:
- Sense of guilt;
BTW, why is that sense of guilt is often considered to be kind of "redemption" for doing something wrong.
Working to be a better person, avoiding making mistakes again, making this world better place STARTING WITH MYSELF AND BEING A GOOD EXAMPLE THAT LIFE CAN BE GREAT WITHOUT BOOZE AND JUNK FOOD - that is really making this world better place. I believe so. How can I make this world better place by constant self-punishing and feeling guilty?
If someone wants me to feel that way, then that someone just tries to manipulate me.
- Regrets;
- Self-doubt, lack of self-trust;
- Fears and wounds that originate from the past and block future development;
- "I don't deserve" and "I am not good enough" BS;
- Blinders that my AV puts on me and makes follow the same addictive pattern day in and day out and think it's "normal".
- Humbleness - I am too worried about other people would think if do it my own way and disapprove of it- and that stands between me and my goals, that makes me seek and nervous, and AV is hell glad to use it;
- Constant comparison with other people - my AV always finds a way to put other people in more favorable light. They have happy families, succeed in business, etc. And if compared to literally everyone, I am just a big time loser.
AV has a lot of tricks to lead me away from my goal and dreams. Like
“You will never be THAT awesome beautiful as supermodels, so what's the use sweating in the gym and depriving yourself of "little sweets of life"?
“Your future is so vague and uncertain, so go grab an opportunity to indulge yourself in these cookies or chocolate while it is granted to you;
“You shouldn't dare and challenge yourself. You are just a little girl from a poor family and should know “your place” and not to aim too high”
But, Badass Version is not fooled by all these tricks.
Badass Midnight is aware it's just tricks used by AV to get what it wants.
It's just dirty tricks to create such an environment inside my mind that makes me believe all this.
So, who's No-Binge-Eating Midnight (and again, I will borrow some words that Freshstart said to Jeni):
- Smart;
- Stunning and gorgeous;
- Self-possessed, graceful,
- Classy, well-mannered;
- She looks fresh, pleasant company;
- Someone deserving of respect.
- She knows she deserves good life and reaching her goals and dreams;
- She accepts herself just as she is not comparing to others;
- She is free from blinders and explores new opportunities and new horizons. She can challenge herself out of the comfort zone every day because she strong enough. She is titanium. She is BADASS.
- She doesn’t care what other people say and think about her. It's not her business. She has every right to live her own life in her own way;
- She trusts myself, respects herself, and believes in herself.
And of course, this New Midnight - “She is BADASS. Don't mess with her, she is just that good. Out of her way, onyer bike, mate”.
So, here’s my step two. Let's get started)
Ok, I think it's high time to picture and visualize the Badass Version of MidnightBlue.
I have to remind that Addictive Voice - IT IS NOT ME, it's just a voice.
It is voice that manipulates me to get what it wants. Like a cardsharper it pulls fake trump cards out of its sleeve and uses them as a way to threaten me, diminish, devaluate my life and convince that I don't deserve to reach my goals and make dreams come true.
First, let’s list what she leaves behind, what she leaves to her AV and her addiction. Things for which there's no place at the New Version since these are trump cards of my AV:
- Sense of guilt;
BTW, why is that sense of guilt is often considered to be kind of "redemption" for doing something wrong.
Working to be a better person, avoiding making mistakes again, making this world better place STARTING WITH MYSELF AND BEING A GOOD EXAMPLE THAT LIFE CAN BE GREAT WITHOUT BOOZE AND JUNK FOOD - that is really making this world better place. I believe so. How can I make this world better place by constant self-punishing and feeling guilty?
If someone wants me to feel that way, then that someone just tries to manipulate me.
- Regrets;
- Self-doubt, lack of self-trust;
- Fears and wounds that originate from the past and block future development;
- "I don't deserve" and "I am not good enough" BS;
- Blinders that my AV puts on me and makes follow the same addictive pattern day in and day out and think it's "normal".
- Humbleness - I am too worried about other people would think if do it my own way and disapprove of it- and that stands between me and my goals, that makes me seek and nervous, and AV is hell glad to use it;
- Constant comparison with other people - my AV always finds a way to put other people in more favorable light. They have happy families, succeed in business, etc. And if compared to literally everyone, I am just a big time loser.
AV has a lot of tricks to lead me away from my goal and dreams. Like
“You will never be THAT awesome beautiful as supermodels, so what's the use sweating in the gym and depriving yourself of "little sweets of life"?
“Your future is so vague and uncertain, so go grab an opportunity to indulge yourself in these cookies or chocolate while it is granted to you;
“You shouldn't dare and challenge yourself. You are just a little girl from a poor family and should know “your place” and not to aim too high”
But, Badass Version is not fooled by all these tricks.
Badass Midnight is aware it's just tricks used by AV to get what it wants.
It's just dirty tricks to create such an environment inside my mind that makes me believe all this.
So, who's No-Binge-Eating Midnight (and again, I will borrow some words that Freshstart said to Jeni):
- Smart;
- Stunning and gorgeous;
- Self-possessed, graceful,
- Classy, well-mannered;
- She looks fresh, pleasant company;
- Someone deserving of respect.
- She knows she deserves good life and reaching her goals and dreams;
- She accepts herself just as she is not comparing to others;
- She is free from blinders and explores new opportunities and new horizons. She can challenge herself out of the comfort zone every day because she strong enough. She is titanium. She is BADASS.
- She doesn’t care what other people say and think about her. It's not her business. She has every right to live her own life in her own way;
- She trusts myself, respects herself, and believes in herself.
And of course, this New Midnight - “She is BADASS. Don't mess with her, she is just that good. Out of her way, onyer bike, mate”.
So, here’s my step two. Let's get started)
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Originally Posted by soberlicious 
Badass Midnight Blue is not a version...she is the real true authentic you!
Thank you!
.gif)
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, all)
Cleo - you are welcome to "butt in" anytime) Keep posting and join our "badass AV-free gang".
Jeni - waiting for you to describe true real authentic Badass Jeni)
You know, friends, I should say I like this Badass Midnight - she's self-possessed, definitely less melodramatic, and knows how to listen to herself. I was shopping for groceries today. Usually it's the hardest part for me because I stand in front of cookies-sweets-ice cream, etc. aisles and can't decide whether I should buy it. Usually my AV whispers me: "Come, how are you going to spend this evening, or tomorrow's morning without comforting yourself with your fav cakes?".
Today my AV kept silent. My kitchen is free from all this AV-food. It's strawberry season now, so with all this money I could spend on cookies, etc., I bought fresh strawberries. Delicious!
Had a great swimming workout, got my nails done (at last!), and lost two pounds by far!
See you all later)
Cleo - you are welcome to "butt in" anytime) Keep posting and join our "badass AV-free gang".
Jeni - waiting for you to describe true real authentic Badass Jeni)
You know, friends, I should say I like this Badass Midnight - she's self-possessed, definitely less melodramatic, and knows how to listen to herself. I was shopping for groceries today. Usually it's the hardest part for me because I stand in front of cookies-sweets-ice cream, etc. aisles and can't decide whether I should buy it. Usually my AV whispers me: "Come, how are you going to spend this evening, or tomorrow's morning without comforting yourself with your fav cakes?".
Today my AV kept silent. My kitchen is free from all this AV-food. It's strawberry season now, so with all this money I could spend on cookies, etc., I bought fresh strawberries. Delicious!
Had a great swimming workout, got my nails done (at last!), and lost two pounds by far!
See you all later)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Well I've had a long and draining day at work and am a bit too exhausted to post my description of the REAL Jen tonight...but I will give it some thought over the weekend....
But, tonight driving home my AV was yapping in my ear the whole way...'you've done so well this week Jen, that was tough going...just for tonight treat yourself to a pack' 'no-one knows you've given up, you could easily just carry on, you will disappoint no-one but yourself'.... Then I realised that was true, I haven't told anyone I've quit...not my H nor the kids... I've done this so many times I couldn't bear to see the look of disappointment on their faces when I caved again. Lightbulb moment....my AV has been in control. Not telling anyone meant I was always allowing myself the opportunity to give in to this addiction. I never was totally and completely convinced I could do it.
I felt so angry with myself at that moment...I mean I'm not bloody playing at this.. This addiction could well kill me. I've watched others in my family die from cancer and I AM NOT GOING TO PUT MY KIDS THROUGH THAT.
My AV shut up at that point. I went and did some shopping, passed the cigarette kiosk and glared at it. I mean I would have made an obscene gesture at it had the queue not been long and people might have been a bit weirded out...!
I came home, told the whole family I've quit FOR GOOD. Even then I felt a lump in my throat. I cannot let them down again. I WILL NOT let them down again. I went out in the garden and found the plant pot I used as an ashtray and I stamped on it and crushed it. I threw all my lighters in the bin. Yes, this was a proper tantrum...
And now...I feel sort of empowered. And it feels good I tell you. Badass Jen is here for good.
But, tonight driving home my AV was yapping in my ear the whole way...'you've done so well this week Jen, that was tough going...just for tonight treat yourself to a pack' 'no-one knows you've given up, you could easily just carry on, you will disappoint no-one but yourself'.... Then I realised that was true, I haven't told anyone I've quit...not my H nor the kids... I've done this so many times I couldn't bear to see the look of disappointment on their faces when I caved again. Lightbulb moment....my AV has been in control. Not telling anyone meant I was always allowing myself the opportunity to give in to this addiction. I never was totally and completely convinced I could do it.
I felt so angry with myself at that moment...I mean I'm not bloody playing at this.. This addiction could well kill me. I've watched others in my family die from cancer and I AM NOT GOING TO PUT MY KIDS THROUGH THAT.
My AV shut up at that point. I went and did some shopping, passed the cigarette kiosk and glared at it. I mean I would have made an obscene gesture at it had the queue not been long and people might have been a bit weirded out...!
I came home, told the whole family I've quit FOR GOOD. Even then I felt a lump in my throat. I cannot let them down again. I WILL NOT let them down again. I went out in the garden and found the plant pot I used as an ashtray and I stamped on it and crushed it. I threw all my lighters in the bin. Yes, this was a proper tantrum...
And now...I feel sort of empowered. And it feels good I tell you. Badass Jen is here for good.
Sober since October
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Wow, Jeni, you sound really Badass.
Great post. I like your lightbulb moment that AV was in control. I can totally relate.
You are doing great. Keep it up.
Hope you'll have a great weekend)
Great post. I like your lightbulb moment that AV was in control. I can totally relate.
You are doing great. Keep it up.
Hope you'll have a great weekend)
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by jeni26
I mean I would have made an obscene gesture at it had the queue not been long and people might have been a bit weirded out...!
Sober since October
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Oh, and I forgot one more important thing.
I forgot about self-pity that goes hand in hand with addiction and AV.
I remember back in my wining days it all often started with "ole poor me I deserve a glass of wine".
Then it was "ole poor me I deserve cakes/cookies.
Self-pity is AV's best friend. It often puts a mask of love and care, but it has nothing to do with it.
Love to myself, care for myself, accepting my trues wishes has nothing to do with it.
Self-pity is destructive, leads nowhere, makes me weak and convinces I am helpless and hopeless. And all this is just total BS.
Bottomline - Badass Midnight doesn't need this pathetic self-pity. Let's leave it to AV.
I forgot about self-pity that goes hand in hand with addiction and AV.
I remember back in my wining days it all often started with "ole poor me I deserve a glass of wine".
Then it was "ole poor me I deserve cakes/cookies.
Self-pity is AV's best friend. It often puts a mask of love and care, but it has nothing to do with it.
Love to myself, care for myself, accepting my trues wishes has nothing to do with it.
Self-pity is destructive, leads nowhere, makes me weak and convinces I am helpless and hopeless. And all this is just total BS.
Bottomline - Badass Midnight doesn't need this pathetic self-pity. Let's leave it to AV.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Thank you so much, Jeni. Your words just made my day)
You know, I think I have another reason to re-read my posts - to constantly remind me about the commitment I've made and my Big Plan I have to follow and stick to.
Have a great day)
You know, I think I have another reason to re-read my posts - to constantly remind me about the commitment I've made and my Big Plan I have to follow and stick to.
Have a great day)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Well it's a beautiful bright sunny morning here in my part of the world. I've woken up full of resolve today. My AV is quiet, I've a lot of lovely things planned to do and I'm feeling really happy....
Commitment is a good word MidnightBlue, I am still getting my head around the 'forever' bit of the big plan, I suppose mainly because that wasn't the way I did it with my drinking. I'm looking at it as a commitment to my kids, and that is a lifelong one.
Commitment is a good word MidnightBlue, I am still getting my head around the 'forever' bit of the big plan, I suppose mainly because that wasn't the way I did it with my drinking. I'm looking at it as a commitment to my kids, and that is a lifelong one.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, Jeni.
"Never forever" also is quite unusual to me, because I didn't quit wine that way either.
I suppose for me it's "never forever", but focus on one day at a time. Because, what is forever, what is eternity, after all? We have such a short period of time, here, on Earth, if compared to Universe and "till the last star dies". And this short period of time is built by days. So, each day is a peace of eternity, maybe?
Ok, I think I should stop my philosophical discourse here) I will come up with it when I develop some more well-thought theory about that)))
Anyway, all this not so important if compared to your signature. Do I get it right that you have ONE YEAR today?
If so, my hugest, warmest and all the super congratulations to you!!!! That's just awesome.
Keep it up!
See you later)
"Never forever" also is quite unusual to me, because I didn't quit wine that way either.
I suppose for me it's "never forever", but focus on one day at a time. Because, what is forever, what is eternity, after all? We have such a short period of time, here, on Earth, if compared to Universe and "till the last star dies". And this short period of time is built by days. So, each day is a peace of eternity, maybe?
Ok, I think I should stop my philosophical discourse here) I will come up with it when I develop some more well-thought theory about that)))
Anyway, all this not so important if compared to your signature. Do I get it right that you have ONE YEAR today?
If so, my hugest, warmest and all the super congratulations to you!!!! That's just awesome.
Keep it up!
See you later)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Originally Posted by MidnightBlue
Anyway, all this not so important if compared to your signature. Do I get it right that you have ONE YEAR today?
If so, my hugest, warmest and all the super congratulations to you!!!! That's just awesome.
Keep it up!
See you later)
Have a good day, just heading out for lunch.
Stay strong Badass...xx
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