vinnietoo

LW,

Welcome!!! Hey on the meds, maybe I didn't read
enough of your posts, but please don't play doctor
and stop or start without talking to the doctor.
Just my two cents worth. Do hope that you can find
some serinity someplace.

Blessings,
Vince

Morning Glory

Hello liveweyerd,

Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry for all the trauma you've experienced. It really does change our outlook on life and changes the way we react to life.

I am truely sorry about your son. I know how those aniversarys are. It gets easier every year. The first few years are the hardest.

The medication can make you feel so much better that you think you can go off of it and then anxiety will hit you as bad as it was before the medication. If you are feeling anxious call the doctor and get back on the meds. There is no reason to suffer more than you have to.

I am like you and can't stand noise. It's like the nerves are raw. All the other symptoms for me have gotten much better. It just took a lot of time.

I hope you are in a safe situation now and away from abuse. Please feel free to start a new thread and post anytime you want to share anything that's on your mind. You are not alone and can speak freely here.

Hugs,
MG

Live

Thank you for your replies.
I do need to see the dr., but I have been laid off and can't afford the office visit required...yet. I hope to be back at work in the next couple of days, but that means being on the road and I won't have ready access to a computer, so if I just seem to disappear, that is what happened.
I woke up shaking this morning. If I were able to let my feelings just be there would be alot of tears. I am addicted to my abuser. The books call it a trauma bond and verify that it is very powerful and intense. I humiliate myself in that even after all the lies, pain, uncerainty, grief and sadness, the betrayals of anyghing and everything a relationship is about, I wake up shaking because I can't call him and knowing that after all we've been through why he just replaced me in a mere 4 days. And here I am 5 years of not even being able to think of being with anyone else. I know it's not rational. But when I want held and comforted my thoughts go directly and only to him.
I woke up every two hours last night, all night.
And I shame myself as in "where is my self respect" that even after he flaunted his new LOVE to me and they are laying where I lived with him, where we were, with my books still beside the bed and all that I would want to callhim!
Then I get defensive and swing over into a mental RAGE.
And I want to take it out on him too. Sail off in the sunset my ASS!!!
Okay I know that in part this is sickness talking.
And what can I say? Thanks for letting me get it out. There are real live people who will listen and talk to me through this. Even if I can't see you I know you are there because while I slept you answered me.
My head understands things way too well. But my heart just can't get it.
I guess he's the only person I talked to. And I would be locked up in my head entirely if not for this forum.

zoomer

Hi LW, gosh, you hit on some very important subjects. I honestly know what you mean by too much knolage and an imprisoned heart. Ha, How Ido wish to get into it, but my oldest wants to get on my computer. I hate sharing!:p
Zomer

Live

I'm getting alot of help hear. Thank you. The al-anon board has some women going thro' similar situations, at least the relationship part, I learned a new term today which is quacking, it struck me as terribly, sadly funny. I laughed and cried at the same time. But at the very least it put a perspective on the verbiage. Cause, of course, I want the things I don't want to hear to be quacks and the ones I like to be real.

DolphinBlue

I have just found this thread and although some of the stories here are just so sad, it has really helped me realise that maybe this is what I suffer from. My story is nowhere near as traumatic as some here, I know that.

My mother left my father for another man when I was around 3 and although I don't remember anything consciously, I feel sure this affected me deeply. At five I was incredibly sensitive to the opinions of others at school and so had no friends, was constantly taunted. Every relationship she had afterwards was abusive. My brother would hide away. I would try to stop the drunken fights, stop these men hurting my mother and got my jaw dislocated at age 8 by one of these men.

Looking back on it, I never had any lunch to take to school. I was 'old enough to make my own'. My brother and I spent our nights alone (he seemed to hate me at the time) as my mother worked at nights. I actually think she took a night job to get away from us kids. I would ring her at work every night asking when she would be home and sit out on the driveway waiting for her to arrive, but often she would 'party' after work. I once rang the cops. They found her because I knew her car and plate number. She was at a party. One of the men there pulled me aside and threatened me because they had pot there. Another time I was taken away by a man while my mother was at work 'your mother asked me to pick you up' who choked me and accused me of something i did not do. Thank god it wasn't worse.

I was moved to a new school and soon excelled at most things and made lots of friends. HAPPY! I was then moved to Australia (from NZ, with my brother) to live with my father. I later learned my mother wanted to be alone with her (abusive) boyfriend. Tiny country town to huge city with a broad accent, fragile ego and a black eye on my first day of new school! I soon disrupted my father's new family (daughter from new marriage) and was moved back to my mother's within 3 months. More drunken fights. Shielding my mother. Being her shoulder to cry on. He didn't want me there and made sure I knew it. New school. Picked on again. Lost virginity at 13. Ran away same age. Street kid for a year. ALCOHOL! RELIEF! Back home. Expelled from 3 high schools. Hate, hate, hate. Stealing, lying, tantrums, sex. Drugs. Whatever you've got, bring it on!

Blur for next few years. New relationship for mother. More fights. More shielding. Now she would come to me and use me as a shield. Guy hung himself. Both drunk. Me - valium. Cut him down and rescusitated him. He didn't remember. Back to the booze. Drunken fights. All been a blur from then on. Drugs, sex, ANYTHING that made me escape.

I feel sure I was sexually abused as a child. I don't know how.

That felt so good, I really don't care if anyone reads this. This has been a breakthrough for me. Getting it out was good. I remembered things as I went, I want to remember more.

Thanks

DolphinBlue

zoomer

Hey D-blue! I had to try and get everything out too! I'm like you and want to remember so I can tell it to the world because it sucked being me as a kid! Sure it made me stronger I guess,but dam it, I wanted more from life as a kid! Write away and let it all out! I'll read it and cry and be angry with you!
Zoomer

DolphinBlue

Hello zoomer!

Thanks so much for replying, it's such a relief to get all of that out. Just typing the words is enough for me, to know you are listening is a bonus! Yes it did suck, it's why I'm so scared to have children, though I would dearly love to one day. But I don't want it to happen to any child. And my story isn't even that bad!

The memories during and since that purge have just come flooding in, some are very hazy though and I am not sure if they are just my imagination. Maybe they are things I am just not quite ready for yet.

I remember so clearly my very first memory. Watching my mother having sex with a man. I was three. I walked in there with a can of creamed corn and an opener so someone could open it for me. His big hairy arse was sticking out the bottom of the bed (he was on his knees under the sheets) and, you won't believe this, but I propped that can of corn right on top of it! How weird is that? They didn't even seem to notice! I was watching her face, had never seen her like that before. "Mum? MUM?" He was doing 'something' under the sheets, she was leaning back on the bedhead. I KNOW she heard me. I was fascinated, elbows on the edge of the bed, chin in hands but impatient cause I was hungry lol. I guess she thought I wouldn't remember.

I still remember her eyes to this day, the same "forced shut" look she gave whenever I wanted her for some reason while she was in bed...now I know she was usually hungover.

She was so cold. I soon learned not to bother her if I had an injury "You know where the band-aids are" yes, but not what to do with them. Disinfectant? Nope, covered in scars still today (active child). Or any sort of emotional problem "Don't be so pathetic". "Mum, Melody's sister says I am the devil" (this CRUSHED me, didn't she know?) "Well, just don't go there anymore". I needed to know I wasn't evil. The morning of my birthday "Mum! It's my 10th birthday today! That means I am 2 numbers now!". "Not now" she just stared out of her window.

"I really don't want to talk to a child right now" she would say when she was drunk. Child. She said it with such contempt. It was nice in front of people she had to impress. She would cuddle me and speak so nicely to me.

I was introduced to sexual exploration at about age 8 with a friend of the family. Not much older than my brother so not sure if that's really abuse. But he was a teenager, maybe he should've known better. That's something I'll have to think about.

Oh, I could go on and on forever! I think I am getting carried away though. But man oh man that felt good!

zoomer

Hey Blue D, my earliest memories is about people wanting to do sex stuff with me. It's all so horried! All's as I can say is when you have a child of your own you can treat them the way you wanted to be treated! I have healed so much from being a mom to my kids and my child with in. I will have lots to remember and sort out,but my memories do not lie! It all happened and then some! Keep telling your story until it hurts you no more!
Zoomer

DolphinBlue

Hi zoomer,

It makes me so sad that some have memories of sexual abuse, I feel a little silly as my childhood was really only a case of neglect. Yes I do believe you can give the love you always wanted for yourself to your children! It gives me so much hope.

Well, I found me a pen and paper lol because I don't think I should be posting relatively trivial stuff here, but much more purging to come! I, like you, am looking forward so much to remembering more.

Thanks so much for your understanding. A very loving person you are!

Love

DolphinBlue

zoomer

Hey Blue D, ha I just had to laugh about you putting a can of cream corn on the guy's arse! Something's are tramadic, but somethings are just so unreal you have to laugh! I'm glad I'm to the point where I can laugh a little! Ha, I remember trying to clean up after thanksgiving. My Mom's boyfriend who was a bartender came home late and was eating. Well, I was always yelled at for empting out half cans of beer, so I put the unfinished ones in the refredgerater. Well, someone used one as an ashtray and he drank it down and threw up his whole meal! Ofcourse I got blamed for doing it on purpose, but I did't! I did't mind however that the SOB puked his guts out after all the things he did to me! Someone was there for me getting the arse hole back!

DolphinBlue

lol hahaha sweet justice! At least a little of it anyway. Must have been the most satisfying vomit experience ever. Yes, some memories are just plain funny. I can't imagine what it would be like to have none as they really do put a nice light touch to the memories.

I find it amazing that child's mind can remember things so clearly. We must all be even more aware as a child than we are as adults, maybe because the conditioning process was in early days and we were 'light' and saw things as they really were. Without even trying. I want that back. I want everyone to have that back. We deserve it!

Love

DolphinBlue

Victortaz

MG, I'm going to use this forum as an opportunity to share my story as a Complex PTSD survivor. Like you I suffered CSA, and a lot of it, so that is the focus. It's lengthy but its here for those who want to read it, and it helps me to write it down. So thank you.

*******NOT GRAPHIC BUT MAY TRIGGER FOR INCEST*******

My 1st time being sexually abused, not unlike the other incidents, took a long time to remember coming in bits & pieces, body & feeling memories, until the flashbacks started following T, about 18 months ago.

For years I remembered being in bed, being scared to death. I also remembered seeing a shadow of the silhouette of Alfred Hitchcock reflect from the TV onto the wall I could see thru my bedroom door, & being scared. For years I connected these 2 memories.

Then the memory came to me in flashback year before last that I was in not my bed but my parents', still scared to death.

Well, Hitchcock may have been on TV that night, but he's not the one that scared me or drove me to my parents' bed.

I don't know how I got there. What I do know is that I was not scared of who & what was outside of the bed. I was scared of who was in the bed & what was going on. Of that my memories are still vague as far as details (thankfully), but what happened is all too clear.



My mother & father incested me that night. I was no more than three, becuz by the time I was four my father was gone never to be heard from again (I think the two are connected). From then on, with occassional & partial interruptions by a few boyfriends & a stepfather (none of whom lasted very long), I became my mothers' surrogate husband--in every way--until she put me in a children's home when I was 12, tho the last incident of overt sexual incest occured when I was nine or ten.

She put me in the home soon after I was raped by friends of hers, a gay couple, in their apartment. She said it was becuz I was getting too hard to handle and was gonna get put in juvenile detention. Yeah, I was getting to hard for her to handle--read: control.

In the home, I continued to have a recurring nightmare I'd had for years, later I realized, it was since the time of the above incident.

In this night terror, I am falling down what looks like an endless hole. As years go by I sense its not endless & start getting closer to the bottom. The times I have the nightmare & the timing in it accelerates. I begin to be able to see the bottom of the pit speeding toward me as I'm falling. Then one night I am there, actually feeling myself hit bottom...and then I wake up. After about five years, I never have this nightmare again.

My first clear & extended abuse flashback came about 18 months ago, right after a therapy session for issues I thot were unrelated. It was the memory of the homosexual couple raping me, so vivid I more than once had to pull the car over, stop, and bawl and pray during the hour plus trip home. :greencry:

As I began working on my recovery, I 1st thot the nightmare had stopped becuz it was right after this gay couple, whom I had not seen in years, stopped at the home to try to take me out with them, but I refused to go & never heard from them again. Now I know different, or at least more.

In the course of recovery last spring I went to a retreat. Flashbacks of incest by mother had justed started. I was processing among other things why I was so angry at my mother for what the gay couple did to me. I just thot, becuz they were her friends & she should have know, should have helped me. But I had such rage at her, far more than at them.

After the retreat talking to my wife, it all came together & hit me like a ton of bricks. My wife asked me, "Did your mother sell you to them?"

I remembered again an exchange of something between them; this had been a recurring memory for years, but never connected to anything else so I couldn't make sense out of it. I thot maybe she was giving them money for babysitting me & she didn't know what was going on. But no, they gave her the money!

That nightmare didn't stop when her friends left--it stopped right about the time she left to go out west and didn't see me anymore--for years, except briefly for my brothers funeral a year or so later.

Now the flashback became my nightmare in broad daylight. As I mumbled the answer "yes" to my wife, I was staring at a favorite calming picture on our bedroom wall. In that picture I started to see in detail everything that had happened & how it all came together.

My mother had sold me to these rapists for drugs or shoes (she had a closet full; I remember complaining about more new pairs she had gotten soon after the incident) or something.

I laid on the floor & cried for hours, feeling like my body & my soul were being ripped apart and to pieces. :cry3:

Since then I've recovered & put together flashback, visual, body & feeling memories of several other incidents, most perpetrated or encouraged by my mother. A couple of babysitters & a babysitters' younger sister (about my age at the time). A young aunt who stayed with us a while & also seduced me. At least one incident of incest by my mother & a boyfriend; I was nine or ten. And around that same time, the one incident of incest with just me & her that I clearly remember, tho I know it wasn't the only one.

This sexual & emotional incest, as well as verbal, physical, emotional & sexual abuses of other kinds by multiple persons, went on from at least age three to age twelve. There have also been in my life 4 major auto accidents; thankfully the 4th, in 1993, was the only one involving my family. I have also suffered trauma from work & frequent moves. But the sexual abuse was the worst.

The results have been Complex PTSD, various sexual dysfunctions, difficulty relating to men or women or anybody, hatred of women & of men in general, self-hatred, stunted inner growth, the loss of my childhood, severe depression, severe allergies, fibromyalgia, sleep apnea, acid reflux, irritable bowel syndrome, OCD, etc etc ad nauseum.

It took a long time to put it all together. It took a while to know what to do or even want to do anything. The diagnosis much less proper treatment of & healing from all this has mostly started only within the last few years, especially the last year. It took a while to find the right T, a pdoc who is also a chronic pain (and OCD!) specialist, a good massage T, a good chiropractor, and good online support, tho live support is scarce around here.

Last fall I did a couple of sessions of two-chair therapy and a couple of processing sessions. In 2-chair, my T invited my mother into a chair (no not physically, but very real!) with me & the other, and him there as a guide & guardian who could alter or halt the proceedings at any time, even kick her out!

Thru all of this & since this 2-chair therapy, I have been able to begin to forgive, really let go of the past, & start really living in the present with joy & some optimism for the future. I still have chronic pain, compulsion & other things to deal with. I may still have flashbacks, & have had one since--an ugly & unwanted detail of an already remembered incident--but I can deal with it much better now.

Another recent big step I took was going to Manhattan a couple days over Christmas vacation with my family. I was born in Manhattan and lived there till I was 4; my abuse began there. So 9-11 was a huge trigger for me; setting off, soon after I’d begun recovery, a flood of flashbacks & flaring symptoms that only subsided in the late spring of last year, with a brief flareup around the 9-11 anniversary.

I did not go to my birthplace, just a mile or so from Ground Zero, but I did go to Ground Zero. Moving; helped me remember there are people far worse off than I; a little perspective.

The other main thing we did was go to Central Park, some of which I actually remembered, including the old (still) $1 carousel that held my best clear memory of Manhattan. Riding that carousel, much to the embarrassment of my wife and daughters, and the astonishment of other riders, I finally released my inner child freely on Dec 27, a slightly late Christmas present for myself, Big Victor & Little Victor.

A bonus was in returning home to realize how well I’d handled the traveling, crowds, traffic, changes & everything else. Gives me, and my family, hope for my recovery!

I know I continue to need, and will continue to get & to use, ongoing therapy, counsel, support, massage, diet, exercise, meditation, prayer, music, humor, writing, reading, and whatever will help me in my own recovering of my true self, and in my relationships with my family, friends, and the rest of the world.

I am learning to rejoice that at least in my family, this destructive vicious cycle has been broken! My wife & I have not abused our children, they are out on their own doing very well, and I am confident they will not be abusive to their children or to anyone else. I also know they will be & are cautious & capable of taking care of themselves. One is studying to be a nurse. One is in communications, and has been volunteering with a rape/violence/abuse crisis center.

I am learning to really love & appreciate my wife, the most loving, lovable woman in the world. After 20 plus years its about time!

At last I'm beginning to not just survive but to thrive. I've only just begun, its only the beginning, but it is a beginning--and I'm glad its not over yet!

Morning Glory

Victortaz,

Welcome and thank you so much for sharing your life. I consider it a gift. You are amazing to have survived all that you have and be here to tell of your victories.

I know the severe pain and terror of those flashbacks. No one should have to go through that, but there is a purpose somehow in all of this.

I'm doing pretty well myself except for shame memories that overwhelm me now and then and my inner child is not free yet. Maybe I should go ride a Merry-go-round or play hide and seek or kick the can.

I don't know why, but when someone shares a story like you just did I see beauty. I hate that we had to go through what we did, but we gained something that can't be replaced. I'm not sure even how to label it. It's something that comes deep from within us. Don't you feel like you've been somewhere that most people will never go?

It's crazy to say, but I wouldn't trade the experience of recovery and self discovery and the relationship I have with God because of all of this.

You have given your children a gift by breaking the cycle.

Please stay with us and offer your experience, strength and hope to others. We're here if you have a bad day too. I have those days for sure.

Many hugs to you and your family,

MG

Victortaz

Thanks MG.

I think I understand what you're saying. I'm learning more gratitude for what I have becuz of all I've been thru, more compassion for others--slowly, I'm learning. Would I even care, would I have what I have, had I not gone thru all this crap?

In a conference about a year ago, we were asked to answer a question about what one thing in our past we would change if we could. I immediately thot of the abuses I'd been thru but then I thot: would I then have ever met my wife? Had my daughters? Would I be a better or a worse person? Would I believe in God? I answered that I would change nothing. Sounds crazy, but I wasn't the only one.

MG, the best to you & yours. Take care.

Taz

lavendae

Off and on, I have browsed this site, but never been brave enough to post anything. I know I suffer from PTSD, have for most of my life (I'm 22), and am in a position where I think i want to do something about it, but am so scared.
My boyfriend and therapist have both suggested that it might help if i realize i'm not the only one, and if i can find a support group that i can identify with.
I am a member of CA and AA, don't go to meetings as often as I should, though. Beacuse of my sobreity experience, I know groups help, but i have been unwilling to bring this up in any meeting so far.
Last summer I went to 2 domestic abuse survivors meetings, but left. I had yelled at them, probably beacuse i was scared and didn't know what to do. I then wound up at my boyfriend's apt. and almost drank his scotch. Obviuosly, I can't deal with this myself. I would appreciate some encouragement, if anyone out there can give any to me.
I've always hated online forums, etc. b/c I had a (now Ex-) boyfriend whom was a computer addict (I say this beacuse he exemplified addict behavior, only mine was with cocaine, his with EverQuest and other computer games), and I still attribute the computer and certain games to the pain I felt at losing him.
However, I'm too afraid to deal with these issues in person as of yet, so I figured this might be a good place to start (and overcome my irrational hate.)

Morning Glory

Hello lavendae,

I've had PTSD most of my life too and didn't know they had a name for it until about a year ago. It sounds like you handle yours a bit like I do. I keep a wall of protection around me and don't like to discuss it much. It usually causes more stress for me when I talk about it. It is so much easier to type it out then actually talk about it face to face.

When I first came to the message board I had held so much in that I think I actually forgot how to talk about anything. It took me awhile and still have a hard time sharing about myself.

Please read through some of the posts and make yourself at home here. Start a new thread anytime you want to. You read my story above and know I've been through it.

Domestic abuse can cause a lot of damage. Especially at a young age. I went through the worst of mine from age 17 to 22. There wasn't much help for it back then and PTSD was unknown too. You have a lot available to you now. No need to rush things. Take it at your own pace.

It's safe to talk about it here when your ready.

Hugs,
MG

Stardust

I also suffer from PTSD. The doctors I've seen haven't helped me. The kept prescribing medications that didn't work, and made me feel worse. So when I have a panic attack I have to buy Xanax from a friend. Why won't doctors just give us what works?

Morning Glory

Hi Stardust,

Welcome. Xanax is addictive so doctors are careful about giving it out, but they do give it and closely monitor it. My daughter is on zoloft and uses xanax as a backup in extreme situations. It has to be used with caution so one doesn't become addicted to it.

There are numerous medications for anxiety. It takes time to get the right combination that works. It takes a lot of suffering through side effects too.

Keep talking to your doctor. If he doesn't help you, go somewhere else if you can. Psychaitrists are the best bet for medication issues.

Hugs,
MG

lavendae

MG, thanks for your post. I read it this morning at work and it really started my day off well, knowing that someone else out there understood and cared enough to post a reply. I told my therapist today that I had finally written something on a PTSD-fellowship website, and she confirmed that its progress, and a new door opening in my life. I feel welcome here. Hopefully it will continue to help me open up a bit more. For years I denied that the domestic abuse and incest that I experienced had anything to do with anything. Now I know that it was just the denial, and fear talking, and that there are others like me. Thank you for that.

Stardust,
I too was on Xanex for about 4 years, for panic attacks. When I got sober I realized exactly how much I had depended on it, beacuse it worked for me, and at that time it was the only thing that worked. Unfortunatly, there is no one good solution-- I think each of has to try alot of things to see what works. I still have not yet addressed the idea of going back on medication for my panic attacks, but thankfully they've gotten 75% better over the last 2 1/2 years.
Just know that though medication helps, it isn't the only solution-- its just one of many tools that help us through things.
Also, its good to know I'm not the only "newbie"! Welcome!

Laven