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Old 08-27-2003, 05:54 PM
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Morning Glory
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That is what we're here for Laven.

Start a new thread if you want to.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 08-29-2003, 05:47 AM
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me, too

Just a little time now - I have company coming today. Just wanted to say I am with you on this one.

I didn't remember my childhood but I knew I was really messed up and sought answers. When I did remember, boy was I mad. But is was the start of a very long road to recovery. I have worked at it for years. I will always work at it but today I have half an understanding of the mechanisms and a full appreciation for the person I have become. I am much better now and can cope adequately.

My mother was a very unhappy person, almost certainly mentally ill, almost certainly a closet drinker. She would have rages and act out violently. She hated my father and wasn't that happy about us. Two of us were especially attacked when she was unhappy, nothing we did, just she was angry. There were beatings, of course, some in the closet time, breaking our toys, throwing them against the wall, but worst of all were the cruel cruel words. "Ugly, stupid, crazy. I wish I had killed you when you were a baby, smothered you with a pillow." And I know she meant every word. When I approached 12, she added "*****" to the list. AND we moved around all the time, state to state, so there was no outside support system for any of us. So much more, no time to list them all, no wanting to remember them all and ruin my day today. Well, I was a mess when I finally left home (eloped) at 18.

I will inject here, when I had children I made it a point to treat them with kindness, respect and love. I did do that one right. I would have sooner cut out my tongue that say cruel things to them. Life wasn't perfect for them but at least they knew their mother loved them and they always had a strong core.

One thing that really helped when I was a kid, a light bulb moment. When I was 11 and mother was raging out of control, my father and siblings stood watching. And I said, "Why is she doing this?" And my father said, "Don't you know she is crazy?" That REALLY helped. Before that, I thought it was me causing all this. From that time on, I recognized it was not me, it was the situation, nonetheless, I was the one with the problem and I needed to work on being more normal, at least more normal looking.

Dad wasn't a big help either. He was mean to Mom, which made Mom mad, then she was mean to us. As far as we went, he was deeply disappointed in his life so stayed away at work a lot. Just left us with a crazy woman, good luck kids. Later he condemned us because we made bad decisions, kept disowning us. I was disowned about 4 times and my parents always were ashamed of me because I kept messing up. They would even lie to the relatives, not tell them I got divorced again, or things like that. Brag on me about things that never happened, just so the relatives wouldn't know what a bad daughter they had.

Then followed years of abusive and/or addictive relationships. Finally depression and anxiety. Short term therapy at times of crisis would help me understand what I was doing to myself, one insight or another, move me forward a little more.

I do have a deep well of anger within me. I seldom access it but when it comes I recognize what it is, let it be, don't speak or act on it. I still feel life is unfair that I have to walk around with that inside. I feel shame, too, I need to do more reading here. I really really do not have a handle on it yet.

Jobs. Mostly underemployed. I invariably started low but then got promoted, higher and higher, as it turned out I was not "stupid" after all. One of the jobs was in a MR state institution, to make a long story short, the place was investigated by the law, a lot of people removed, and the ones still there, including me, had to deal with riots from the patients, as the heavy handed "controls" were lifted from them. I was hurt several times, plus as a supervisor I had to go out into the fray and "rescue" people, I mean literally go haul a violent patient off of a staff member. And write it all up. And deal with the bureucrocy. (Spelling, I know) People might not believe that but I really was a supervisor in a violent ward during riots. (How stupid was that, for me to stay?) I bore up for a good while. Then I had a breakdown. Not screaming crazy running down the street but disabling depression, panic attacks, I had learned my limits. That was the first time I took medication. I took a stress leave. And then I quit.

I am not a shining example of health today but I manage. I am mostly okay. I could get medication now but I choose not to use it as I can manage adequately without it. If I needed it, I would use it. Prefer not to.

Today is not so bad compared to the past but not heaven on earth either. I have an alcoholic husband, so obviously all is not well. But I have a peaceful home in the country, too, and mostly I am calm. I do a lot of things that I want to do. Live life mostly in a way that is beneficial to me. As far as I understand it today. At least no one is hitting me or calling me names. If they did, I would cut them out in a New York second, no matter who they are. Life is easier since I made that rule.

I have been told I have PTSD and no wonder if I do. I still don't understand the childhood thing. They are dead now, so easier to try to deal with, easier to "forgive." I guess. I am still very conflicted in how to see all that. I want to accept them as they were, but. You know. I guess the best thing is, most of the time I am peaceful. My life is not over. I am still learning and may yet achieve more good things.
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Old 08-29-2003, 08:43 AM
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New Thread

Hey ladies, I've started a new thread "Its good yto talk about it" if we want to chat more about the stuff that happened to us, and how we've reacted and recovered (or recovering)... please come and join

Thanks,

Laven
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Old 08-30-2003, 08:40 AM
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countrygirl,

Thank you for sharing with us. You are doing so well with all that you've been through. I often wonder what it would have been like to grow up in an environment where you are valued. I wonder what it would be like to not feel shame when complimented. Developing our own self worth is difficult to do after years of feeling worthless. We work years at something that should have been given to us as a child. I think I believe our parents did the best they could. I know I did my best and made mistakes. I have a hard time with the acts of cruelty with no compassion. I think that some people hide from their own pain so much that they can''t see pain in anyone else.

Hugs to all,
MG
 
Old 09-19-2003, 01:43 AM
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hello...

i dont know even where to begin... my journey has been long and very difficult. up to the point where i felt insanity would be more safer than what i have walked through.

i am 34.. and started self healing at 23. 11 yrs in october. did it without meds and some treatment centres.

i didnt know what ptsd was till a year ago. a freind said look into it. so i did. i was like damn that explians 90% of my life.


i was born to a drunk teen mother in 1969. she didnt even know i was born till the next day. this info from my auntie. i was raised in a tennis lifestyle. grandparents, parent, relatives.. foster care till i was 4.

then my mom got married... she came and got me from my aunties place and we moved to a whole new world.

the man she married at first was what you would call a nice guy. but as time progressed and the alcohol and drugs grew, so did the violence as well as a sexual plagued enviroment.

my mother would have visits from men on a daily basis, she would lock us in a room or the basment. while my step father worked and when my step father was out he was cheating as well...

this is what most of there fights were about. the fights were verbal then escalated to violence. i watched my mother stab my stepfather on a few occasions, watched my stepfather beat my mom till she was twitching and unaware of the blows... this was a normal occurance to us, why, cause everyone they knew was the same way. fights on the lawn... bathroom.. someone was always covered in blood before the night was over.

when i was 13 she left for the 100th time... but she allowed him back into our lives again. this was the darkest time of my life... about 3 monthes after he moved in, they were having the usual house party andthings got ugly... very ugly.

the fight was on and my auntie was there as well as my uncle. my stepfather went to their room and came out with a gun, a shotgun, loaded it. and lined us up against the wall. me my 2 brother and auntie and uncle.. my mom was slammed up against the wall and hit her head was knocked unconcious.

he made my aunt drag her to theline up and paced back and forth. every so often point at our heads and say bang... i was numb and was was like ok do it. he came to me and said your a bastard. i should do you first.

i looked at the gun and for some reason smiled. i closed my eyes and said in my mind "God, whatever you want of me. do it.." i then felt cold.. really cold.. i thought, he did it and i am dead.. so i opened my eyes and look around and saw i was outside.

i seen a cab driver there, a cab they called for the bar.. so i walked to his cab and sat in the back ... he looked ta me and said what are you doing outhere no jacket or shoes... it cold out there...

all i could say was call the police, he has a gun and is threatening us... which he did.. i then asked for a cigarette. he gave me that and a jacket... i said thank you, i have to go back now.

he grabbed me said whoa kid you aint going back in there. i said if he doesnt see me he will get mad, but he held on tight..

next thing i knew was swat and police were there... they managed to get him alive and no one was hurt. the gun jammed and the hammer would not fire. my brother said when i closed my eyes he clicked the trigger.. but nothing... so he so he cocked the other hammer of the gun, and my auntie starting being noisy and *?#!*?#!*?#!*?#!. he turned to her andmy brothers aid i just stood up and they looked at my auntie, then back to me and i was gone...

he said it was weird... due to where my stepdad was i should not of been able to go anywhere..

after the trial and him being in jail for 2 monthes... my mom allowed him back into our lives.. and with that out of theirs i went.. so began my homeless drinking and drugged out teen years.

what brought me out of hell.... my daughter... i seen her face and eyes... and swore to quit drinking, because i did not want to repeat history... i was 20.. and it took 4 years to do it... 4 years of pain and sorrow... and then 10 more years of growing...

i have done 2 trips to a treatment centre and a lifeskills work shop...

my life is far from perfect, but with the love of God, and His strength i am able to walk this road... whether the sunshines or the rain falls..
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Old 09-19-2003, 01:58 AM
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Raven,

I am sorry you went through so much and glad you survived to tell us about it. We do what we have to do to survive and then we find a better way. It sounds like you found a better way and the journey continues. It's tough coping with PTSD. It's not something that just goes away. It does get better in time though. It's hard enough trying to cope without having our needs met as children. Add abuse and trauma to that and it's a hard, hard road.

I'm glad you're here.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 09-19-2003, 02:12 AM
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Originally posted by Morning Glory
Raven,

I am sorry you went through so much and glad you survived to tell us about it. We do what we have to do to survive and then we find a better way. It sounds like you found a better way and the journey continues. It's tough coping with PTSD. It's not something that just goes away. It does get better in time though. It's hard enough trying to cope without having our needs met as children. Add abuse and trauma to that and it's a hard, hard road.

I'm glad you're here.

Hugs,
MG
survived is term i dont use.. i prefer to say...victorious...or in my own personal saying.

Though the walls of hell collapse around me, i seek refuge in you Father, for in you i find victory and sanctuary.
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Old 09-19-2003, 02:22 AM
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:thumb Victorious is a much better way to put it.
 
Old 09-20-2003, 04:31 AM
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To Raven

Dear Raven,

You are truly a survivor and you are a light. I am so glad you are ok now and that you are changing your life and making it better. I know what you mean about looking in your daughter's eyes. I don't think I could have left my ex or prosecuted him without the motivation of how my kids would feel if he killed me or how they would feel if he walked free after almost killing me. I am so thankful you were brave enough to share. I appreciate knowing none of us here are alone. And being shown the reality of how the violence continues if we go right back to it. Thanks for sharing, and I love you and wish you the best each day in recovery.

Nancy
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Old 11-03-2003, 10:19 PM
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I was directed here from another forum and am completely overwhelmed by reading the stories here. I can so relate to what Raven had to say. I can remember my father coming home drunk and pulling a gun on my mother. I was 5. It was the grace of God that caused the gun to jam. From there it was more drinking and more beatings. I am the middle of 5 children. We endured sexual, mental, emotional, and physical abuse in some form on a daily basis. My father was an evil man. I am beginning my 4th step. My heart pounds I became over anxious, cry to the point of hysteria. It scares me to be having to face these issues because it's like I am right back there. The first person on my resentment list is my higher power I call him GOD. I am very angry at the deaths of my brother and mother. I did not get to say goodbye to either of them before they died. After the funerals I through myself back into work. My brother was taken in 1994 after he feel down a man hole an my mother went in 1998 after open heart surgery. I am afraid if I grieve now my family will not understand. But I need to heal. As well as many other issues. Through some of this I really thought I am worthless and would be and my family would be better off if I were no longer alive. ( I have now been relieved of my suicidal ideations by the grace of God). I know to full recover I have to fully heal but it is hard. Please help???????
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Old 11-04-2003, 03:09 AM
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Dear TIP's Angel,

Dear TIP's Angel,

We support you here and accept and love you. We wish you well on your healing journey. Think of all the progress you have made -- what a survivor you already are. And allow your healing time. Time is what comes to mind when I remember the first days and months of healing. It took lots of time. And meanwhile, the recovery and the meetings helped. It will always take time, still. Since I always have growth work to do and am never perfect, I always have to live in the moment and accept myself right where I am on my healing and growth journey and know that I am ok right now, I am going to make it moment by moment, one day at a time, and that in time I will heal more and grow more. Hope helps. Patience helps. But mostly, trusting my Higher Power helps. My Higher Power is definitelly the only one who can completely understand my anger, since my Higher Power is the only one who really went through every experience in my life right there with me. Others try to understand, but can't as completely. And not only does my Higher Power understand, but he loves me and accepts me and forgives me of whatever imperfections I perceive in myself, which helps me release the anger and forgive, and forgive myself and frees me to love again. Love is the key. I had to get out of an abusive relationship, but there is plenty of love out there for me to give that isn't related to couples love, although I think couples love is wonderful -- it just may not always be available. Life is a rich experience with healing and love. The twelve steps are so helpful. Keep working them. I am so proud of you, and we support you and are behind you all the way!

P.S. I understand about deaths and healing from that. I have lost my sister, brother and father. Please let me know if you need to talk. Anger is a natural part of the healing process. Accept it and feel it and you will work through it as a stage.
Anger is just a feeling. It is not destructive of itself. As long as your behavior hurts no one and nothing, anger is ok. It can even lead to some constructive behavior sometimes, as it can motivate to action. Once a counselor said that feelings are always ok. It is behavior that can be inappropriate and sometimes needs to be changed. I have always thought that was helpful about acceptance of feelings.



Love and prayers,
Nancy
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Old 11-04-2003, 10:05 AM
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Welcome Tip's Angel,

I'm sorry that you had to expereince so much trauma.

There is hope and healing for us. The emotional pain through that healing can be intense, but it will end and you will come out on the other side.

You're safe here sharing with us. We've all been through it too. Please feel free to start a new thread for anything at all that you want to talk about.

Many hugs,
MG
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Old 11-09-2003, 06:44 AM
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Hi,

I'm currently in therapy regarding an incestuous relationship that went on for years-- believe it or not I didn't start getting flash backs until I was almost 30, 15+ years after the fact. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and chemical dependance (alcoholism) and am currently recovering.

I'm wondering if anyone out there has had any experience with anti-depressants. I had Effexor prescribed to me to curtail panic attacks and flash backs, and this is my third day taking 37 mg. So far, I've been jittery and nauseous, but that's about all. Specifically, I'm terrified of experiencing weight gain (I'm also border-line eating disordered), and I've heard horrror stories on other sites. Does anyone have any insights?

Thanks,

Jenny
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Old 11-09-2003, 10:07 AM
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Welcome Jenny,

I also started my flashbacks in my 30s. I think that's common. The anitdepressants will make you jittery and nauseous for a short time. When I started prozac it only lasted for a few days. I know that weight gain and sexual side effects is a problem with the medication. I haven't seen too much of a problem with weight gain. I've stayed the same. My daughter takes zoloft and she has stayed the same weight. A proper diet and regular excercise should help.

Feel free to start a new thread and talk about anything that's on your mind. The more support the better.

Hugs,
MG
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Old 11-09-2003, 10:45 AM
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Dear Jenny43

Dear Jenny43,

I guess I state the obvious, but talking to your doctor will help your medication side effects. There are so many different meds out there, and everyone's chemistry reacting different, if you just tell the doc what your symptoms are, if they are a problem, the doc can usually find something that will work without the problem side effects. They have to do some trial and error sometimes to find out what works, since that's the only way they will know your personal reactions to the meds. Good luck!

Love,
Nancy
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Old 12-23-2003, 01:40 PM
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At 15 I was severely raped. I have to live with that. From the rape I found out I'd become pregenet, well at 15 I felt no way ready to have a child, so I had an abortion. Plus I was pyhsically & mentally abused by my dad, and grandparents. I still suffer greatly from Panic attacks & Low Self Essteem. It's hard to forget about sometimes. In fact I sat down & wrote a poem:

"November Sky"

Many years ago
On a cold November Day
My life was changed forever

The day was like any other
Another day at school
Another day of pain

As the day went by
I felt overwhelmed
By the day

I just wanted to go home
To get through the day
Little did I know my day had just begun

The bus ride home gave me some peace
A quiet time to reflect
But my peace was ready to be shattered

As I stepped off the bus
I saw no one around
So I made my way home

As I made my way down the hill
I didn't hear a thing
I didn't see a soul

But suddenly my life was shaken
As he grabbed me from behind
I felt myself falling hard to the ground

I felt my breath leave me
I couldn't find my voice
All I could feel was fear

I tried to block it out
To make myself empty inside
My thoughts held me prisoner

When the act was over
I was silent as a leaf blowing in the wind
I never saw the face of the shadow

As I sat shakeing against
That November sky
My voice came back

As I started to cry
It started to rain
That November sky cried with me

So everyday in November
I look to the sky
And think about the day we both cried

My life will always be filled with fear
And with pain
And that dark November Sky

(c) Crystal Goens Nov 11 2003
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Old 12-23-2003, 01:45 PM
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(((Crystal))) **hugs** Your poem really touched my heart. I am so sorry for the pain in your life, please know there IS help...keep posting, keep reaching out...we are here for you.
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Old 12-23-2003, 02:18 PM
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Crystal,

I was also raped when I was about 11 or so. I got past it and you will too. We just have to endure and go through until we come out on the other side. There is so much hope for you. Sometimes it hard to see how of the darkness when we are stuck in it. I found my way out ans so will you.

Keep talking and come here for support.

We all care.

Hugs,
MG
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Old 04-18-2004, 09:11 PM
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Re: If you're new to this site

I understand. Been there, done that so to speak. It is very difficult to talk about and I admire your open session of sharing your pain. Time helped me to get over the flash backs. I hope that is somewhat of an encouragement to those going through them now. Everyone heals differently and it takes some longer than others. In my situation, I had four children that suffered along with me. I watched each one cope in a different way. It was so hard for me to relate at the time, because I didn't understand this illness. Now I have a great deal of guilt for not giving the help that was needed at the time. We were all five subjected to an attempted murder of my oldest child and in the end it was my second child that was instrumental in saving his life. The memory will never leave, but the uncontrolled flashbacks of that horrible sceene no longer haunt us with terror. We have moved on with our lives and love each other very much. There is life after terror and I am thankful that God has strengthened us. He will you too!
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Old 04-19-2004, 05:40 PM
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Re: If you're new to this site

Wow, y'all. There is some very powerful healing going on here. I was very moved by what I read here tonight. THe poem touched me, and the words of hope about moving on. Morning Glory, I like the little guys on the bottom of your posts talking about control and the rocking horse. Very good reminders. Poetry is such a release of emotion. I think the definition of it is verse that expresses an emotion or feeling. I think the feeling can be completely sensual, as of a beautiful visual sight or sound or another perception of the senses, or it can be a feeling like fear or pain or love, etc. I have been working with poetry at the library this month, since this is National Poetry Month. What a wonderful catalyst for healing. I appreciate the sharing here of all kinds. I hope I get a chance to hear some poetry readings at the library or a cafe or somewhere for poetry month, and then this gift is in my mailbox. Thank you.

Love,
Nancy
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