Morning Glory

Hi Dwell,

Welcome to the forum.

I can't give you a diagnosis, but we are here to offer support. You've recently lost your basic family support. That's like having your foundation pulled out from underneath you. That would cause anxiety for anyone. I'm not sure what trauma you experienced as a child. If you would like to share it feel free to do so. We've all been through it here. This is a safe place to share.

Talking about your flashbacks is helpful. They don't seem so big when you share them.

Keep posting,

Hugs,
MG

riverside

hi all: I've been reading posts on this forum for about two hours and feel like I've found a way through in handling simple human contact! A family member keeps harping I should go to naranon for support in dealing with my heroin addicted son (homeless, multiple detoxs to no avail, etc.)

I keep telling him that to do so is very intrusive for me as one of the full blown diagnosed PTSD/Dissociative Disorder folk (unmedicated/but lots of counselling/hotline calls if I need them, etc.) Not enough boundry, too many strangers. I've gone before and come out totally dissociated, reeling with feelings of having lost my skin. (I especially enjoyed your essay/post on boundaries over in the alanon thread, I think it was, Morning glory. Lots there to think about.)

I am also enjoying the other posts enormously and feel not-so-alone in the addict son department. You've all given me much to think about. Thanks.

This is a good site for understanding PTSD, one of my steadfast supports

http://www.trauma-pages.com/pg2.htm#SYMP

So, I hope no one minds if I keep my shades on!
:shades:

Morning Glory

Welcome to the forum Riverside,

You can keep your shades on for as long as you like.

There is a lot of support over on the alanon and naranon boards. Please don't try to do this alone. There are a lot of moms here struggling with their children's addictions.

And as far as the PTSD goes, nothing shocks me. I've heard it all or been through it myself. Feel free to let it all out.

So glad you joined us. Thanks for the link. I'll check it out when I have more time.

Hugs,
MG

Kelly K

Hello MG and anyone else reading this,
I'm new to this group, just signed on this afternoon. I'm writing from Vancouver, BC Canada and it's 12:50 in the afternoon. PTSD is definitely very real. I'm so glad that there is an actual site to visit and share.
I'm 29 years old and had my symptoms dianosed two years ago. I was feeling that my life was unmanagable, that I was going crazy and that I didn't want to live anymore.
The background is that I came from a highly dysfunctional family (who hasn't?), have been "touched" by a babysitter at age 5 (gut feeling tells me that there are other times, other places but luckily I don't have the flashback memories, yet), witnessed parental abuse emotion, physical and sexual, was raised by a bi-polar, borderline personality disorder mother, became an alcoholic (am currently 6 months into recovery) and am married to an alcoholic husband (not in recovery)
Two weeks ago, my sister was attacked, nearly killed and the ex-boyfriend killed himself. I looked after my 17 year old sister and 9 month old niece by myself for 2 weeks. I had to deal with my biological father whom I've not spoken to for 12 years during that time which has triggered all sorts of things.
There is tons more but I think that about covers the major stuff.
Hope to be an ongoing part of this site.
Kelly K
Canada

Morning Glory

Kelly,

I'm sorry for your recent trauma. It really does trigger all the old stuff. I hope your sister is recovering. She has a tough go ahead of her dealing with all of this.

Congratulations on your 6 months of recovery from alcohol. We also have an alanon board here so please feel free to read and post there too with the issues of your husbands alcoholism.

I find that talking about the way I feel helps more than anything else. Please feel free to start a new thread at any time to share what's on your mind.

Hugs,
MG

zoomer

Has anyone ever asked god with a sincere heart "why did all the bad stuff happen t me"? Well, I did tell my shrink once that God did answer me, not by a voice, but just thoughts in my head. That I was to help other children like mysef. My shrink listioned to me as I said maybe that was just me justifying and trying to make sence to what has happend to me. Who knows? My bet is on a higher power. I was born a twin, spent 2 weeks in a hospital beause I needed to be in an incubater. There for I did not bond wth my mother, nor did she bond with me in that respect. I was always told that I was firt put in a drawer because they had no crib and both my Mom and Dad woke up to this horrible noise and it was me screaming and I have not stopped bitching sence! Anyway,I stopped breathing for how log I do not know, but my grandma found me blue and brought me back. I also exsperianced a fire that bured me when I was a baby. I went to many peoples homes because my mother could not take care of me and was molested from probibly age two by different people. Now freaky part here is that my mom and her friends dabbled in witch craft and all the stuff that went with it. We also had at the time I was 4 a whole tribe of indians who lived in the apartments too. They use to have war dances and stuff. so here I was just a kid and sure as anything I saw and felt magic in the air. I got raped by an indian who wanted revenge on white people. Funny thing is is that he did't even know I was part indian, my great, great grandmother was full blood Cheerikee(sp). To make a long storyshorts molested by many people. i guess because (I hate to say) a very beutiful child and innocent and had no defenes to protect me from pretitors. I lived most of my life in fear and had to protect my self by trying to be invisibe in my own house. As I grew older a teen if a guy had sexual desiers "who was i to say no"! Then the guilt of being a ****. I just wanted to be protected and loved, but guys know an easy target when they see it. Even when I did say no, I was forced and thought it was my fault. Gosh, I still had my spirit or other wise i would not have servived. I think sometimes thatI am so intuned to everything that my wires get crossed and I do not know what was behind me, or in front of me. I'm like a key board on the computer sayng "hay world push a button and I will react"! I'm on medicaion,but I do not like it. I think it ishaving an effect on my body that I do not like. In my fear and hiding within myself and my own little world I have tapped into things most people have not. It scares me! I'm not readyto talk about it, but it is real,very real! Sometimes from the worst storms a rainbow will appear. some of our best and bravest people have gone though the worst and made a difference. My goal in life is to use what hashappened to me and bring good from it. I love to help people and give what I can. I think in that way I will stay well.

Morning Glory

zoomer,

I'm sorry you went through so much pain and trauma. I really do understand how you feel. I too tap into things that people don't understand. I do believe that my HP used everything for my growth. I can even be thankful for it now because I've seen a part of God's miracles when he shed light on my life. We are perfected through suffering. I don't know how you feel, but I feel like I have a six sense. I really am careful because I want to make sure everything I experience comes from my HP. I worry about it sometimes, but there is no way to make it stop. I can sense things just by watching the wind. I can tell you when an earthquake is coming within 2 to 3 weeks. I can walk into a building and know when things aren't right. Sometimes I have to leave because it feels so awful.

I don't know if this is the kind of things you are talking about, but I've heard it's common in survivors. I don't believe in psychics. I do believe in the gifts of the spirit, but to tell you the truth I don't know what all this is yet and I really don't ever talk about it.

I hope your therapy is going well. It's tough to face all those things and tough to battle the shame and guilt. Having sex a lot was just a way to take control of a possible threatening situation. Instead of someone attacking you, you initiate it first so that you are in control and don't become a victim. You were not a ****. You were surviving trauma with the best skills you had at the time.

There are other things too, but enough for now. Feel free to share.

Hugs,
MG

zoomer

I did post on this site, but maybe it was too graphic because I do not see it. Everyday though I'm feeling stronger and less confused. I'v been having fear of going out among people. Today however I'm going to help out at my daughter's school. I miss being around other people and helping with my children's school. A self imposed prison I think! I'm wierd, I know, but I swear everything I write has happened, I just do not know how to handle the memories sometimes. What I have been trying to do is use what ever has happened to me to do good and use the memories to my advantage! I'd say that I was a friken gosh darn walking mirical! I use to say I was a walking contradiction, and maybe I am, but for today i feel good! I was also born breach and I always say "that is why I do things ass backwards"! **********{Snicker}}}}}}}}} I'm cracking myself up today:p
Zoomer

zoomer

Wow, I just found what I wrote and thank you MG! Yes, i go through things that cannot possibly be exsplained by normal people and I swear I'm not pretending! When you try to exsplain to the shrinks they just give you more pills and say "it's dulusion or depression and last year it was the hot diagnosus of the year "post partum"! Ha, i had one of my attacks I called 911 and I had the fire department and police crawling all over thinking I was going to kill my kids like that lady did in drowning all her kids in the bath tub! Scard the crap out of me! I do however think my things are triggered by my hormons! I'm a walking nerve during PMS! Now I did find a site on the web that gives what we exsperiance a name. It's a spirituality net. I like reading it, but I honestly do not like classifing my self as a Medium, or what ever els people make money off of god's gifts. I just want to understand it and use it for good. One of my gifts is the ability to move things with my mind. If I concentrait I can move things that are exceptuly easy to move, but if I get scard or angry it's like an exsplosion! No kidding. My proof is my camera. I went to take some pictures like in november last year and got them developed, all pictures dated 9/11! My fear stopped the electronics in my camera! I will tell you more later. My pumkin baby boy is getting pissed that I'm not playing with him!
Zoomer

Morning Glory

Zoomer,

I started a new thread to talk about this.

Hugs,
MG

zoomer

:okay: Hey! just gotback from the shrinks office and they are cutting down on my intake! I'm also going in for a full nurilogical exam! Iv been doing research and some of my medication might actally be doing damage to my skelital frame and nerves endings! As you wrote before I do like what you had to say that abused people actally do exsperiance different things. maybe it's like something being taken away from us and we get something back. All my life I have gotten priminitions and it freaks me out when they come true! It adds to the fear if you do not understand what the heck is going on! I know what you mean by opening something and maybe all good might not come through that bad will find a way in the opening. that is one of my fears too. I honestly beieve now is the time to learn what was given to people who exsperiance some of this gift(s). I'm trying to learn not to be afraid because some of my gifts has actally saved my children's lives. I get goose bumps just remembering! I can also say that on the flip hand I'm just looking for a way to be specail and put those terrifing episodes in perspective so the truth will not mak me crazier! Who in the heck knows! I do know that what Iexperiance is real.
Zoomer

zoomer

Hey MG, I write too much! Ha, No I'm not "um that crazy". Truly I have no delusions about stuff. I sort of wish I was so I would not be so scard. Today however and yesterday I have felt happy! I still get flash backs, but just in memory, not in 3D! Know what I mean by 3D? Peace tonight!
Zoomer

Morning Glory

Hi Zoomer,

We are posting in two different places. I'm afraid I'll lose you down here and not see your posts so please post on the new thread. I am so glad you are feeling better. Yes I do know what you mean by 3D Don't we all wish that we didn't know.

Hugs,
MG

zoomer

Hey MG! I just have to find the new thead!
Zoomer

Morning Glory

It has your name on it, lol.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...?threadid=6954

zoomer

Ha, MG! I think some times I click on new thread instead of post! I'll go try and look for it!
Zoomer

Live

I have PTSD. It got so bad last year I had to take a 6 wk family leave of absence from work. I didn't break down that time over just one or two things.,...they were just little straws............laid on the camel's back. But I am excited to have found this site resource. A year ago when I asked him to change my diagnosis from depression to PTSD, he gave me that Who's the dr look and said it's a psycology condition. Well, yeah, I am depressed but that;s not all of it. He put me on meds, and frankly I think they were necessary for me to be able to even lift my head up enough to look around for ladders outta this foxhole. The Celexa was very effective. The xanax is great for the anxiey....but only sparing and when necessary. If you get like me, scared, hell even when things were going good I was still paniced..."coz the good things never last"..So, when I felt that shaky, I took too many of the xanax, not at first, but beware those critters are powerfully addicting.
Anyway, Monday is the anniversary of my son's suicide.It's the biggest incident but I truly believe it is the ongoing day in day out situations as in an abusive, unstable relationship, where your self gets pummeled and discouraged and makes me so JUMPY. add financial problems, they have alot of fear in them. What if my car breaks down? Anything? Can't afford it. What will I do? Last year I got punched in the back of the head a few times and then tied up. That was terror. Honey, I want to marry you....Two weeks and one argument later, he moves in next fiance. That's emotional hell and horror. Grandson born with heart defect.
A broken heart!
I used to be real laid back. Now all this and more has exacted a toll on my soul and the result is I still suffer from these traumas because it has changed who I am and effected my body chemistry

zoomer

Gee wiz I started hypervinilating just reading your post! I like what you wrote at the end LW that your body chemisty changed from the trama! It's like getting an electrical shock and kaboom goes the body, mind, and spirit. Now I can get into the dopamine factors and what not, but I'll keep it simple. Ha too much I have a cartoon on that is saying they are gong to put electircal shock into Jonny Bravo and fry his brain! Cawinkidink! That'swhat I'm talkin about MG ,signs like that that just make me think hey someone is trying to tell me something! It always happens to me "after" the fact! Iv tried all kinds of meds and fought every one. I just do not like meds! I also do not like being depressed and angry. Ho hum what to do! I'll never stop striving though to be happy,safe and "normal".
Zoomer

Live

Zoomer,
thanks for replying! Well, I don't like the meds either, dropped 'em all about 6 mos ago, but I think this being the stress of the Holidays and the suicide, I probably should have prepared myself and got back on the antidepressants for 3 mos...to get me thro the rough spots without losing too much ground..and, oh yeah, the recent betrayal and abandonment...I'm really obsessing about that one
There's the greatest book out about all of this called "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes.
Since I got so jumpy...you know...the exagerated startle response, when someone walks up behind you and lays a hand on your shoulder and you didn't know they were there and you JUMP out of your skin and it justquivers...well I've gotten to the point that I can't stand to have the tv (or videos) on and sometimes even the radio,,the elctronic noise just shatters my nerves. It feels like it's overstimulation. Has anyone else had that reaction?
I learned how to talk mysellf out of panic attacks. I'm still anxious but it's at a managble level.
Do you all kind of zone out, like make like a zombie sometimes? Nobody home?! Good God! I am so glad to have found a place where people talk about this.

zoomer

Hey LW, ya I zone, I have to! I have to block out or tune out. I live in my head at times. It's not too late to go get meds! If it helps you from going nuts do it! I'm feeling the effects of taking one less pill. Ha, I forgot all about it! Please do not however take more than you should! I try not to remember bad dates and I'm very good at it I might add because I forget the date every day! Speaking of meds,it's time for me to take mine! Don't suffer more than you have to!
zoomer