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Old 12-21-2002, 08:09 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
DolphinBlue
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Australia
Posts: 610
Hello zoomer!

Thanks so much for replying, it's such a relief to get all of that out. Just typing the words is enough for me, to know you are listening is a bonus! Yes it did suck, it's why I'm so scared to have children, though I would dearly love to one day. But I don't want it to happen to any child. And my story isn't even that bad!

The memories during and since that purge have just come flooding in, some are very hazy though and I am not sure if they are just my imagination. Maybe they are things I am just not quite ready for yet.

I remember so clearly my very first memory. Watching my mother having sex with a man. I was three. I walked in there with a can of creamed corn and an opener so someone could open it for me. His big hairy arse was sticking out the bottom of the bed (he was on his knees under the sheets) and, you won't believe this, but I propped that can of corn right on top of it! How weird is that? They didn't even seem to notice! I was watching her face, had never seen her like that before. "Mum? MUM?" He was doing 'something' under the sheets, she was leaning back on the bedhead. I KNOW she heard me. I was fascinated, elbows on the edge of the bed, chin in hands but impatient cause I was hungry lol. I guess she thought I wouldn't remember.

I still remember her eyes to this day, the same "forced shut" look she gave whenever I wanted her for some reason while she was in bed...now I know she was usually hungover.

She was so cold. I soon learned not to bother her if I had an injury "You know where the band-aids are" yes, but not what to do with them. Disinfectant? Nope, covered in scars still today (active child). Or any sort of emotional problem "Don't be so pathetic". "Mum, Melody's sister says I am the devil" (this CRUSHED me, didn't she know?) "Well, just don't go there anymore". I needed to know I wasn't evil. The morning of my birthday "Mum! It's my 10th birthday today! That means I am 2 numbers now!". "Not now" she just stared out of her window.

"I really don't want to talk to a child right now" she would say when she was drunk. Child. She said it with such contempt. It was nice in front of people she had to impress. She would cuddle me and speak so nicely to me.

I was introduced to sexual exploration at about age 8 with a friend of the family. Not much older than my brother so not sure if that's really abuse. But he was a teenager, maybe he should've known better. That's something I'll have to think about.

Oh, I could go on and on forever! I think I am getting carried away though. But man oh man that felt good!
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