I have just found this thread and although some of the stories here are just so sad, it has really helped me realise that maybe this is what I suffer from. My story is nowhere near as traumatic as some here, I know that.
My mother left my father for another man when I was around 3 and although I don't remember anything consciously, I feel sure this affected me deeply. At five I was incredibly sensitive to the opinions of others at school and so had no friends, was constantly taunted. Every relationship she had afterwards was abusive. My brother would hide away. I would try to stop the drunken fights, stop these men hurting my mother and got my jaw dislocated at age 8 by one of these men.
Looking back on it, I never had any lunch to take to school. I was 'old enough to make my own'. My brother and I spent our nights alone (he seemed to hate me at the time) as my mother worked at nights. I actually think she took a night job to get away from us kids. I would ring her at work every night asking when she would be home and sit out on the driveway waiting for her to arrive, but often she would 'party' after work. I once rang the cops. They found her because I knew her car and plate number. She was at a party. One of the men there pulled me aside and threatened me because they had pot there. Another time I was taken away by a man while my mother was at work 'your mother asked me to pick you up' who choked me and accused me of something i did not do. Thank god it wasn't worse.
I was moved to a new school and soon excelled at most things and made lots of friends. HAPPY! I was then moved to Australia (from NZ, with my brother) to live with my father. I later learned my mother wanted to be alone with her (abusive) boyfriend. Tiny country town to huge city with a broad accent, fragile ego and a black eye on my first day of new school! I soon disrupted my father's new family (daughter from new marriage) and was moved back to my mother's within 3 months. More drunken fights. Shielding my mother. Being her shoulder to cry on. He didn't want me there and made sure I knew it. New school. Picked on again. Lost virginity at 13. Ran away same age. Street kid for a year. ALCOHOL! RELIEF! Back home. Expelled from 3 high schools. Hate, hate, hate. Stealing, lying, tantrums, sex. Drugs. Whatever you've got, bring it on!
Blur for next few years. New relationship for mother. More fights. More shielding. Now she would come to me and use me as a shield. Guy hung himself. Both drunk. Me - valium. Cut him down and rescusitated him. He didn't remember. Back to the booze. Drunken fights. All been a blur from then on. Drugs, sex, ANYTHING that made me escape.
I feel sure I was sexually abused as a child. I don't know how.
That felt so good, I really don't care if anyone reads this. This has been a breakthrough for me. Getting it out was good. I remembered things as I went, I want to remember more.
Thanks
DolphinBlue