If you're new to this site
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: sarnia ontario
Posts: 128
Re: If you're new to this site
Am posting here rather than starting a new thread because I kind of want answers yet I want to stay hidden.
Am waiting for a therapist. Did the interview a few weeks ago and am waiting for them to find space for me. Things seem to go up for a few days and am okay and very happy, then I start on a down swing, hit bottom and then sort of go up again. Down parts are hardest and are getting increasingly dangerous since feelings are increasing in intensity and I am getting so very weary with fighting all the time just to stay afloat.
Dealing right now with things pertaining to a sexual nature. Issues surrounding feeling bad and condemned because now as an adult have finally met someone I actually like. Like, as in finding him attractive rather than feeling repulsed and shutting down.
Wish I could shut down. Really, really wish I could. Yet, I can't seem to. Am fighting at the momment to stay present in the day...to remember I am 38 years old and not the little girl I once was. Struggling with defeatest thoughts--my father telling me so clearly that there were those who did and those who didn't and panic and ultra-sensativity b/c am so certain, or part of me is so certain, that because I do and want will mean the guy in question is only using me.
Regret because I so heartily wish this wasn't my life, wish it was someone else and not me. Am so very tired of struggling and losing everything. Am frightened. Don't want to give up, yet don't want to continue right now. One counsellor tells me to turn the tapes off. I wish to hell I knew how to. Doesn't she realize that if I only knew how to they would be turned off by now? Does she think I WANT this?
Needing some hope, some answers and some places to go untill am heard.
Am waiting for a therapist. Did the interview a few weeks ago and am waiting for them to find space for me. Things seem to go up for a few days and am okay and very happy, then I start on a down swing, hit bottom and then sort of go up again. Down parts are hardest and are getting increasingly dangerous since feelings are increasing in intensity and I am getting so very weary with fighting all the time just to stay afloat.
Dealing right now with things pertaining to a sexual nature. Issues surrounding feeling bad and condemned because now as an adult have finally met someone I actually like. Like, as in finding him attractive rather than feeling repulsed and shutting down.
Wish I could shut down. Really, really wish I could. Yet, I can't seem to. Am fighting at the momment to stay present in the day...to remember I am 38 years old and not the little girl I once was. Struggling with defeatest thoughts--my father telling me so clearly that there were those who did and those who didn't and panic and ultra-sensativity b/c am so certain, or part of me is so certain, that because I do and want will mean the guy in question is only using me.
Regret because I so heartily wish this wasn't my life, wish it was someone else and not me. Am so very tired of struggling and losing everything. Am frightened. Don't want to give up, yet don't want to continue right now. One counsellor tells me to turn the tapes off. I wish to hell I knew how to. Doesn't she realize that if I only knew how to they would be turned off by now? Does she think I WANT this?
Needing some hope, some answers and some places to go untill am heard.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 261
Re: If you're new to this site
Tara,
I heard you this morning. I wrote you a long reply, and only tonight, as I cannot sleep did I remember to check this thread and find the reply was apparently lost during editing. I am too tired to be of much use right now, but I am here and listening, and I will talk to you some more later. I just want you to know that I think I understand and lend support.
Talk to you later. I will post as soon as I have the energy -- probably tomorrow after sleep and then after work...have recovery meeting I was telling you about in the post that was lost -- so it will be like evening...but I will post some hopefully helpful recovery literature...very soon...
Nancy
I heard you this morning. I wrote you a long reply, and only tonight, as I cannot sleep did I remember to check this thread and find the reply was apparently lost during editing. I am too tired to be of much use right now, but I am here and listening, and I will talk to you some more later. I just want you to know that I think I understand and lend support.
Talk to you later. I will post as soon as I have the energy -- probably tomorrow after sleep and then after work...have recovery meeting I was telling you about in the post that was lost -- so it will be like evening...but I will post some hopefully helpful recovery literature...very soon...
Nancy
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: If you're new to this site
Taira,
I can't turn the tapes off either, but I have been able to change them.
Recovery from abuse is like a puzzle. We have all the pieces and they can be put together. It's all so confusing and hard to deal with. We have all of the emotions and some of the memories and it feels like we are scattered all over the place.
The pieces will fall into place. It's a painful process and I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Hugs,
MG
I can't turn the tapes off either, but I have been able to change them.
Recovery from abuse is like a puzzle. We have all the pieces and they can be put together. It's all so confusing and hard to deal with. We have all of the emotions and some of the memories and it feels like we are scattered all over the place.
The pieces will fall into place. It's a painful process and I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Hugs,
MG
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 261
Thanks, MG!
Hi Tiara and Morning Glory!
Thank you MG for the insightful words. I think that is so true and helpful. When I was looking for Tiara's post, I accidentally went back to the beginning of the thread and read your first post on this thread...it is truly amazing what you have survived and you are an inspiration.
I was able to get back to this this morning, and what I wanted to say was that I understand that need to not have the permanency of the tapes and the severity of the tapes minimized (Thanks for affirming that they don't go away but change, MG).
What I wanted to say yesterday, when I first read your post, was that I understand the feeling. As a survivor (I am lstarting to use the word "survivor" instead of "victim" The legal process always used the term "victim," and I picked it up for a long time, but here I find myself saying "survivor" instead...so change can occur) I find that there is a part of me that does not want to forget because I was the only witness to the abuse. And there is a part of me that forgets parts because my mind does it as a defense mechanism naturally. I accept what my mind does because it seems to know best. If I ask my Higher Power to heal me, He seems to know best how to do it, and it seems to happen naturally in ways I don't understand. But there is a factor of readiness, and there is a factor of time. No matter how much we want healing, it takes time. It is natural and healthy to remember, that is part of our survival, and it is natural and healthy for the process to take so much time and be so gradual at times it may be hard to see the healing, but it is happening. I think of serious burns and stroke recovery as examples -- how gradual the healing process is -- how painful -- how one has to work at it -- how it is not always evident right away -- but is occurring. I just wanted to say don't give up hope because it isn't evident right away. MG said that well, too. And MG is a great example of miraculous healing.
I also wanted to say that I hear you saying that you need to be able to feel what you are feeling. I am sure your therapist understands that. Share that with them. They probably don't mean at all that they think you are deliberately holding onto the feelings, only that they want you to begin to start to change them, like MG is saying, to begin the process.
I try not to give advice, but share what has helped me from my experience. I have found the literature in the Adult Children of Alcoholics twelve step recovery program very helpful as a survivor, because the program is aimed at children of alcoholics, and abuse is certainly often a part of the alcoholic dynamic.
In recovery, we talk about the importance of having a safe place to feel your feelings and where we are accepted no matter what and so it is a safe place to feel. Feeling safe to share the feelings and express them I think is the first step to being able to release them and change them...and the old tapes and low self-esteem programming. In my group, I learned that one of the reasons the abuser programmed us with those tapes was to gain and maintain control over us. I discover, as I talk about the tapes and my experience, that these tapes are not the who I really am, but who my abuser falsely taught me to believe I was.
I also related, when I read your post, to your struggle for intimacy in the face of the after-math for abuse. There is a part of the literature that helps with that, also...
To share some of the literature that I find helpful in this situation:
From "The Problem:" (I relate and understand)
"We had come to feel isolated, uneasy with other people...we lived from the standpoint of victims...we learned to stuff our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults...The need to re-parent ourselves comes from our efforts to feel safe as children. The violent nature of alcoholism darkened our emotional world and left us woulnded, hurt and unable to feel. This extreme alienation from our own internal direction kept us helplessly dependent on those we mistrusted and feared...freedom begins with being open to love...[actually what we fear, love, is what we need, when we choose to surround ourselves with loving people because we are learning to love ourselves, as we learn to love ourselves and others, and not necessarily just sexual love, but all kinds of love and all kinds of relationships...friends, etc.]...the dilemma of abandonment is a choice between painful intimacy and hopeless isolation, but the consequence is the same -- we protect ourselves by rejecting the vulnerable inner child and are forced to live without warmth or love. Without love, intimacy and isolation are equally painful, empty and incomplete [you mentioned the pain of shutting down and then the pain of wishing you could shut down, or the pain of both conditions].
Love dissolves hate. We give ourselves the love we need [and we replace the hate our abuser gave us with the love we give ourselves] by releasing our self-hatred and embracing the child inside. With a child's sensitivity, we reach out to explore the world again and become aware of the need to trust and love others.
The warm affection we have for each other heals our inner hurt..."
And from "The Promises:" [It is ok not to forget and to have the tapes, yet we begin to find ourselves and live our lives in the present, one day at a time, as MG pointed out]...and miraculous healing does occur:
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development [work on our recovery], we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not forget the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace...We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves...
Are these extravagant Promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them..."
From Alcoholics Anonymous
(The "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymouse, pp. 83-84)
If you would like to read more literature for this program, Adult Children of Alcoholics, or if you would like to learn more about it, you can visit their website at http://www.adultchildren.org.
I hope that this has offered some hope and help. I thought that the ACA literature applies to anyone who has suffered abuse, even if the parents were not alcoholics, as that is how the program is designed. It is designed for the following people: "The only requirement for membership in ACA is a desire to recover from the effects of growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family."
Serenity and love,
Nancy
Thank you MG for the insightful words. I think that is so true and helpful. When I was looking for Tiara's post, I accidentally went back to the beginning of the thread and read your first post on this thread...it is truly amazing what you have survived and you are an inspiration.
I was able to get back to this this morning, and what I wanted to say was that I understand that need to not have the permanency of the tapes and the severity of the tapes minimized (Thanks for affirming that they don't go away but change, MG).
What I wanted to say yesterday, when I first read your post, was that I understand the feeling. As a survivor (I am lstarting to use the word "survivor" instead of "victim" The legal process always used the term "victim," and I picked it up for a long time, but here I find myself saying "survivor" instead...so change can occur) I find that there is a part of me that does not want to forget because I was the only witness to the abuse. And there is a part of me that forgets parts because my mind does it as a defense mechanism naturally. I accept what my mind does because it seems to know best. If I ask my Higher Power to heal me, He seems to know best how to do it, and it seems to happen naturally in ways I don't understand. But there is a factor of readiness, and there is a factor of time. No matter how much we want healing, it takes time. It is natural and healthy to remember, that is part of our survival, and it is natural and healthy for the process to take so much time and be so gradual at times it may be hard to see the healing, but it is happening. I think of serious burns and stroke recovery as examples -- how gradual the healing process is -- how painful -- how one has to work at it -- how it is not always evident right away -- but is occurring. I just wanted to say don't give up hope because it isn't evident right away. MG said that well, too. And MG is a great example of miraculous healing.
I also wanted to say that I hear you saying that you need to be able to feel what you are feeling. I am sure your therapist understands that. Share that with them. They probably don't mean at all that they think you are deliberately holding onto the feelings, only that they want you to begin to start to change them, like MG is saying, to begin the process.
I try not to give advice, but share what has helped me from my experience. I have found the literature in the Adult Children of Alcoholics twelve step recovery program very helpful as a survivor, because the program is aimed at children of alcoholics, and abuse is certainly often a part of the alcoholic dynamic.
In recovery, we talk about the importance of having a safe place to feel your feelings and where we are accepted no matter what and so it is a safe place to feel. Feeling safe to share the feelings and express them I think is the first step to being able to release them and change them...and the old tapes and low self-esteem programming. In my group, I learned that one of the reasons the abuser programmed us with those tapes was to gain and maintain control over us. I discover, as I talk about the tapes and my experience, that these tapes are not the who I really am, but who my abuser falsely taught me to believe I was.
I also related, when I read your post, to your struggle for intimacy in the face of the after-math for abuse. There is a part of the literature that helps with that, also...
To share some of the literature that I find helpful in this situation:
From "The Problem:" (I relate and understand)
"We had come to feel isolated, uneasy with other people...we lived from the standpoint of victims...we learned to stuff our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults...The need to re-parent ourselves comes from our efforts to feel safe as children. The violent nature of alcoholism darkened our emotional world and left us woulnded, hurt and unable to feel. This extreme alienation from our own internal direction kept us helplessly dependent on those we mistrusted and feared...freedom begins with being open to love...[actually what we fear, love, is what we need, when we choose to surround ourselves with loving people because we are learning to love ourselves, as we learn to love ourselves and others, and not necessarily just sexual love, but all kinds of love and all kinds of relationships...friends, etc.]...the dilemma of abandonment is a choice between painful intimacy and hopeless isolation, but the consequence is the same -- we protect ourselves by rejecting the vulnerable inner child and are forced to live without warmth or love. Without love, intimacy and isolation are equally painful, empty and incomplete [you mentioned the pain of shutting down and then the pain of wishing you could shut down, or the pain of both conditions].
Love dissolves hate. We give ourselves the love we need [and we replace the hate our abuser gave us with the love we give ourselves] by releasing our self-hatred and embracing the child inside. With a child's sensitivity, we reach out to explore the world again and become aware of the need to trust and love others.
The warm affection we have for each other heals our inner hurt..."
And from "The Promises:" [It is ok not to forget and to have the tapes, yet we begin to find ourselves and live our lives in the present, one day at a time, as MG pointed out]...and miraculous healing does occur:
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development [work on our recovery], we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not forget the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace...We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves...
Are these extravagant Promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them..."
From Alcoholics Anonymous
(The "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymouse, pp. 83-84)
If you would like to read more literature for this program, Adult Children of Alcoholics, or if you would like to learn more about it, you can visit their website at http://www.adultchildren.org.
I hope that this has offered some hope and help. I thought that the ACA literature applies to anyone who has suffered abuse, even if the parents were not alcoholics, as that is how the program is designed. It is designed for the following people: "The only requirement for membership in ACA is a desire to recover from the effects of growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family."
Serenity and love,
Nancy
I'm just cotton-candy garbage
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Ohio
Posts: 3
from a newbie.
Originally Posted by Morning Glory
I would love to have you share your experiences or just let me know you stopped by.
I see this thread has evolved a bit since it started but I'm using this as the basic who-i-am that it started as.
I'm 29 single mom with full custody, child support sporadically, a little gal named Jimi (she was 2 in Dec). We live in a very culturally void town in southern OH and I do have a lot of family support but I'm not open with them. In fact, I'm not really open with anyone. They always seem to tell me to just forget about it or dismiss it. So I hide.
I also suffer from PTSD from childhood sexual abuse by my father. Bob actually went to prison (only 8 months) for some of it back in 1996. I thought it would end then. I kept it hidden for so long. Even after they divorced, I still didn't tell. Not until college and I started having flashbacks and realized how severe it was.
I've also been told I'm bi-polar, manic-depress, even schizo back when I was in college. I suppose I'm borderline agoraphobic. Before I had Jimi, I moved away from my family and would spend weeks not going further than 2 blocks from my house. I would drive to work, call off from the parking lot, and drive home as fast as I could. I was off on FMLA for the longest time, almost 3 moths.
I can't do that anymore. I have Jimi. But I do. I place our finances in jeopardy because I have panic attacks at work.
I'm not in therapy anymore but always plan to find someone. It's been years since I've seen a shrink sucessfully. I just don't know where to start anymore.
Now I'm back to the town where the abuse happened and I'm suffering the nightmares again, the self-mutilation (mainly hair pulling, or burning myself), body memories of Bob. I'll find myself totally disoriented at work and not realize how long I've been "out" so I'm constantly looking at the clock. I'm about to lose my job.
I'm alienating my friends again because I think they're sick of hearing about it and just don't understand that I CAN'T FORGET ABOUT IT. BLOODY HELL!!!
I need to see someone but I'm scared. I dont' want to talk about Him anymore and they always do....always.
Sorry....I'm rambling. but that's who I am (to start with)
xo,
Pandy
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 261
reply to Pandy
Man, I just spent about thirty minutes replying and lost my reply. It happens everytime I reply since the forum was updated. I guess it is an exercise in not giving up and repeating attempts until success happens. I am also learning to copy my replies to my clipboard, so that when they are lost to the request that I login, and the invalid thread message comes up, and loses my reply, I will still have the reply.
Anyway, Pandy, what I wanted to say was that you have already taken a first step in finding help by coming here. I found that all kinds of help were needed. This is one kind. Another good place to go for information on treatment is your family or primary physician, social servies, or the medical society. See if they can recommend someone who will see you on a sliding scale, based on your income. This kind of help is usually available. Tell them about the problems at work, as that might help prioritize your appt.
I will stick to one thought here about my personal experience, after addressing your cry for help and treatement. I was not directly abused as a child, that I can remember. I witnessed my mother's abuse. She had potentially fatal wounds on at least one occasion. I was never severely abused enough to die until my first and last boyfriend after my divorce. He broke my nose, severed an artery, and I would have bled to death if I had not taken myself to a hospital in time. I felt exactly like your avatar: cotton candy garbage. I am amazed that anyone understands that feeling, as so many don't, and like you say, seem to think I am exagerrating, feeling sorry for myself, or should be done talking about it. Thank God I had a doctor and a nurse that morning who understood and let me talk. Talking as much as I have needed to has been my therapy. I believe I have made progress. I find that being patient with how long it takes is the greatest difficulty. But I just know I have gotten better, and that helps. I knew I needed all the help I could get, so I used a psychiatrist, medication, a counselor, online help, a twelve step program, and just anyone who understands and will listen for me to talk about it.
I still have an ironic combination of emotions regarding men: a mixture of overwhelming fear and addictive codependency. I am still not well, but I begin to see a more healthy perception of myself emerging, and an increasing ability to live in the present moment. These are my goals. Goal setting helps me alot. I felt like cotton candy garbage, too. Like if my abuser could kill me, I must be worthless, if I was able to be thrown away like that. Now I see that my abuser's perception of me (and of my mother) is not the truth. I and my mother (who by the way, we are the only survivors of my immediate family -- a testament, I think, to the fact that while we may seem weak because we do not hurt other people and are considered passive in a way, we are actually quite strong), I and my mother are more than our abusers perceive us and are more than the sum total of the way we are treated by abusive people. I think it is important for me to address my mother's abuse, as little girls form their self-concept based on their mother.
Everyday I hope to grow more aware of our worth than the day before. And the rest of the human race, too.
Love,
Nancy
Anyway, Pandy, what I wanted to say was that you have already taken a first step in finding help by coming here. I found that all kinds of help were needed. This is one kind. Another good place to go for information on treatment is your family or primary physician, social servies, or the medical society. See if they can recommend someone who will see you on a sliding scale, based on your income. This kind of help is usually available. Tell them about the problems at work, as that might help prioritize your appt.
I will stick to one thought here about my personal experience, after addressing your cry for help and treatement. I was not directly abused as a child, that I can remember. I witnessed my mother's abuse. She had potentially fatal wounds on at least one occasion. I was never severely abused enough to die until my first and last boyfriend after my divorce. He broke my nose, severed an artery, and I would have bled to death if I had not taken myself to a hospital in time. I felt exactly like your avatar: cotton candy garbage. I am amazed that anyone understands that feeling, as so many don't, and like you say, seem to think I am exagerrating, feeling sorry for myself, or should be done talking about it. Thank God I had a doctor and a nurse that morning who understood and let me talk. Talking as much as I have needed to has been my therapy. I believe I have made progress. I find that being patient with how long it takes is the greatest difficulty. But I just know I have gotten better, and that helps. I knew I needed all the help I could get, so I used a psychiatrist, medication, a counselor, online help, a twelve step program, and just anyone who understands and will listen for me to talk about it.
I still have an ironic combination of emotions regarding men: a mixture of overwhelming fear and addictive codependency. I am still not well, but I begin to see a more healthy perception of myself emerging, and an increasing ability to live in the present moment. These are my goals. Goal setting helps me alot. I felt like cotton candy garbage, too. Like if my abuser could kill me, I must be worthless, if I was able to be thrown away like that. Now I see that my abuser's perception of me (and of my mother) is not the truth. I and my mother (who by the way, we are the only survivors of my immediate family -- a testament, I think, to the fact that while we may seem weak because we do not hurt other people and are considered passive in a way, we are actually quite strong), I and my mother are more than our abusers perceive us and are more than the sum total of the way we are treated by abusive people. I think it is important for me to address my mother's abuse, as little girls form their self-concept based on their mother.
Everyday I hope to grow more aware of our worth than the day before. And the rest of the human race, too.
Love,
Nancy
I'm just cotton-candy garbage
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Ohio
Posts: 3
Thank you for all the encouragement, Nancy. I've made a step today, I called to make an appt with a counselor but it isn't until June 21st. I don't thnk me and Jimi can wait that long.
Sometimes I'm grateful that the primary, hardest-hitting abuse happened when I was small, when I didn't even know it was wrong until a video shown in my 6th grade reading class. But other times, it makes me absolutely enraged because I was so small. My dad raped me when I was 12. For years, I remembered the fondling and touching, the words he said to make me be quiet...that if Mommy found out what "we" were doing she would make Daddy leave, and well, how will you and your mommy and brother live, eat, etc. I was too little to know that wasn't true. I didin't remember the rape until I was in college.
On another note, I was called into my HR office yesterday because of my performance. I'm already on a final warning for attendance, 1 more absence in the next 3 months and I'm fired. Now, I'm on a final for my performance. I have to make sure I make my quota for the next 3 month or I'm fired. I totally broke down in the office. It took almost half an hour for me to calm down. I felt like a total idiot w/my supe and HR rep just sitting there helplessly looking at me. All they could do was get my purse from my desk so I could take my Xanax.
The clinic that I have an appt at in June does have walk in and if I can get work to OK vacation time,I'll go today. Since vac time must be approved 24 hours in advance, i don'tk now if they will let me take it. If not today, I'm taking tomorrow and going.
Actually, i just called and they can't approve my vacation time exception w/o my supe there and our shift doesn't start until noon. So I have to drive 20 miles to work and then possibly 20 miles back here to go to the clinic. If I can.
Thursday I have an ultrasound for a lump on my thyroid. We'll find out if it's a cyst, tumor, whatever. It's just too much this week.
Anyway, thank you for the words. I think if I stick around here, I'll think I may find the support I need.
I talked to a friend last night who lives away from here. And all he did was tell me what everyone does, just put your mind to it and let it go. I'm so sick of hearing that. I hope people here can understand that that isn't possible.
Sometimes I'm grateful that the primary, hardest-hitting abuse happened when I was small, when I didn't even know it was wrong until a video shown in my 6th grade reading class. But other times, it makes me absolutely enraged because I was so small. My dad raped me when I was 12. For years, I remembered the fondling and touching, the words he said to make me be quiet...that if Mommy found out what "we" were doing she would make Daddy leave, and well, how will you and your mommy and brother live, eat, etc. I was too little to know that wasn't true. I didin't remember the rape until I was in college.
On another note, I was called into my HR office yesterday because of my performance. I'm already on a final warning for attendance, 1 more absence in the next 3 months and I'm fired. Now, I'm on a final for my performance. I have to make sure I make my quota for the next 3 month or I'm fired. I totally broke down in the office. It took almost half an hour for me to calm down. I felt like a total idiot w/my supe and HR rep just sitting there helplessly looking at me. All they could do was get my purse from my desk so I could take my Xanax.
The clinic that I have an appt at in June does have walk in and if I can get work to OK vacation time,I'll go today. Since vac time must be approved 24 hours in advance, i don'tk now if they will let me take it. If not today, I'm taking tomorrow and going.
Actually, i just called and they can't approve my vacation time exception w/o my supe there and our shift doesn't start until noon. So I have to drive 20 miles to work and then possibly 20 miles back here to go to the clinic. If I can.
Thursday I have an ultrasound for a lump on my thyroid. We'll find out if it's a cyst, tumor, whatever. It's just too much this week.
Anyway, thank you for the words. I think if I stick around here, I'll think I may find the support I need.
I talked to a friend last night who lives away from here. And all he did was tell me what everyone does, just put your mind to it and let it go. I'm so sick of hearing that. I hope people here can understand that that isn't possible.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Pandy,
Your thyroid could be causing many of the problems you are having. Your thyroid can throw your whole system off. My suggestion would be to have a doctor put you on disability before you are fired. They can't fire you if you go out on medical leave. That would give you time to sort through some of these issues.
Hugs,
MG
Your thyroid could be causing many of the problems you are having. Your thyroid can throw your whole system off. My suggestion would be to have a doctor put you on disability before you are fired. They can't fire you if you go out on medical leave. That would give you time to sort through some of these issues.
Hugs,
MG
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 261
glad you have found support here
Hey Pandy and MG!
Hey, Pandy! Glad to here you have made the important step of making that appointment. MG has a very valid point. As you get the treatment you need for your thyroid, it should help very much, too.
I do understand that you can't just repress your thoughts and feelings, and don't really think that would be advisable.
Sometimes when we are working through the past, when we are actually healing and getting better, it is really rough feeling our feelings. But it is a temporary, necessary step. They do change as you work through them. Sometimes it seems like we are getting worse, when maybe we are going through a necessary, very difficult phase of healing. I talk alot about how hard it is to work through feelings in ACA.
Talk some more about your job, if you want. That is a huge stressor. If it helps, know that I have had career bumps in the road all my life. I have had to move around alot. My last boss was not good for me at all. So I found someone more emotionally healthy to work for. My current boss has firm expectations, but is not at all emotionally tough. She is not abusive and scary. Too bad so many employers think that fear is the best motivator. Well, just work on your performance the best you can, and face that worst fear -- what if I get fired? and know that if the worst happened, it would not be the end of the world. Try to just work on the performance and try not to be afraid. Fear is a freezer. Believe me, I know. Anxiety is the major symptom of this disease, as you know, and I suffered from it all my life. Just focus on taking care of yourself, doing your best, and as you get busy doing that, maybe it will help take your mind off some of your problems. Work itself -- productivity -- not the work environment, but the work itself, if you can get past the environment and the people around you enough to focus on the work itself,can be a release for some of the emotions. Also, there is the positive and the negative. Some folks will be supportive and try to build you up, while others will try to tear you down. Try to focus on the positive people. While I cannot completely control my thoughts, I do find that trying to change them and focus on more positive things does help.
Hope today is better.
Nancy
Hey, Pandy! Glad to here you have made the important step of making that appointment. MG has a very valid point. As you get the treatment you need for your thyroid, it should help very much, too.
I do understand that you can't just repress your thoughts and feelings, and don't really think that would be advisable.
Sometimes when we are working through the past, when we are actually healing and getting better, it is really rough feeling our feelings. But it is a temporary, necessary step. They do change as you work through them. Sometimes it seems like we are getting worse, when maybe we are going through a necessary, very difficult phase of healing. I talk alot about how hard it is to work through feelings in ACA.
Talk some more about your job, if you want. That is a huge stressor. If it helps, know that I have had career bumps in the road all my life. I have had to move around alot. My last boss was not good for me at all. So I found someone more emotionally healthy to work for. My current boss has firm expectations, but is not at all emotionally tough. She is not abusive and scary. Too bad so many employers think that fear is the best motivator. Well, just work on your performance the best you can, and face that worst fear -- what if I get fired? and know that if the worst happened, it would not be the end of the world. Try to just work on the performance and try not to be afraid. Fear is a freezer. Believe me, I know. Anxiety is the major symptom of this disease, as you know, and I suffered from it all my life. Just focus on taking care of yourself, doing your best, and as you get busy doing that, maybe it will help take your mind off some of your problems. Work itself -- productivity -- not the work environment, but the work itself, if you can get past the environment and the people around you enough to focus on the work itself,can be a release for some of the emotions. Also, there is the positive and the negative. Some folks will be supportive and try to build you up, while others will try to tear you down. Try to focus on the positive people. While I cannot completely control my thoughts, I do find that trying to change them and focus on more positive things does help.
Hope today is better.
Nancy
I'm just cotton-candy garbage
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Ohio
Posts: 3
Thanks guys...
Hi,
I'm still here. And I'm actually feeling well today.
Regarding the thyroid, I had the ultrasound but won't know anything until Thursday when I see my dr. I may call on Tuesday to find out the results though. I hadn't even thought of my thyroid causing (or at least playing a part in) this current relapse.
Last Tuesday, I did leave work and go to a walk in clinic. The lady I spoke to was okay, I guess. She was on call for kids and it was very apparent that she's not used to talking to adults. She just kept going over how I must have felt to be betrayed and that I still loved Bob and stuff like that. I was like, No, I absolutely hate the bastard. She calmed me down, or rather, she sat there as I calmed myself down.
But I do still have the appointment in a few weeks and I plan on keeping that one.
As far as work goes, I'm here now...it sucks. But I'm off tomorrow so that's okay. Hopefully we'll be dead and I can leave early today. I work for a leading internet retailier as a fraud detection associate. It's kinda stressful b/c well, we're talking Fraud here. People freak out. And it's my job to talk them down, to assure them that we'll take care of their credit bureau report, etc. It's just a little overwhelming sometimes. I'm on the team that calls people to verify charges so if it's not your charge, I'm here to start the process to dispute.
Okay, I do have to get back to work now but I'll try to update a little later.
I'm still here. And I'm actually feeling well today.
Regarding the thyroid, I had the ultrasound but won't know anything until Thursday when I see my dr. I may call on Tuesday to find out the results though. I hadn't even thought of my thyroid causing (or at least playing a part in) this current relapse.
Last Tuesday, I did leave work and go to a walk in clinic. The lady I spoke to was okay, I guess. She was on call for kids and it was very apparent that she's not used to talking to adults. She just kept going over how I must have felt to be betrayed and that I still loved Bob and stuff like that. I was like, No, I absolutely hate the bastard. She calmed me down, or rather, she sat there as I calmed myself down.
But I do still have the appointment in a few weeks and I plan on keeping that one.
As far as work goes, I'm here now...it sucks. But I'm off tomorrow so that's okay. Hopefully we'll be dead and I can leave early today. I work for a leading internet retailier as a fraud detection associate. It's kinda stressful b/c well, we're talking Fraud here. People freak out. And it's my job to talk them down, to assure them that we'll take care of their credit bureau report, etc. It's just a little overwhelming sometimes. I'm on the team that calls people to verify charges so if it's not your charge, I'm here to start the process to dispute.
Okay, I do have to get back to work now but I'll try to update a little later.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Welcome cleansloth.
Please feel free to start a new thread and talk about it.
We're glad you've joined us here.
Pandy,
Please also start a new thread and keep us posted on your progress. Sometimes posts in this thread are over looked because it's a sticky thread and gets covered by new posts.
I hope you are both doing well today.
Hugs,
MG
Please feel free to start a new thread and talk about it.
We're glad you've joined us here.
Pandy,
Please also start a new thread and keep us posted on your progress. Sometimes posts in this thread are over looked because it's a sticky thread and gets covered by new posts.
I hope you are both doing well today.
Hugs,
MG
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: waterbury,ct.
Posts: 1
this is my first time and i really don't know what i am doing yet. i woud really like to chat 
with people in recovery that also have ptsd. finding out about ptsd saved my life and helped me recognize my problems, pack them and send them out. i have no desire to get high, the only desire that i have is to live and to share my experences, strength and hope with others just like me. just in case i can't find my way back here or if anyone wants to do the e-mail thing (only because i can find my e-mail easier), my e-mail is ninaschain******.com. please reply. thanks.
with people in recovery that also have ptsd. finding out about ptsd saved my life and helped me recognize my problems, pack them and send them out. i have no desire to get high, the only desire that i have is to live and to share my experences, strength and hope with others just like me. just in case i can't find my way back here or if anyone wants to do the e-mail thing (only because i can find my e-mail easier), my e-mail is ninaschain******.com. please reply. thanks.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: toronto, ontario, canada
Posts: 224
Ptsd
Hello all,
Thanks Morning Glory for starting this thread. I am currently in psychotherapy for the treatment of chronic PTSD and major depression. For years I self medicated myself with alcohol and became alcohol dependant. I am in recovery for all my conditions. I work very hard to try and manage my symptoms with grounding exercises, relaxation exercises, journaling, self affirmations, meditation and attendance to a 12 step fellowship. It is just about a full time job trying to get healthy. Due to re-occurring major depression I have been unable to work for 3 years now. I miss my job from which I get great satisfaction. I am a registered nurse. I take antidepressants and use a non-addictive antipsychotic to help manage some of my anxiety symptoms. I currently battle with trying to not dissassociate and still experience occasional flashbacks. I am glad to talk with anyone who suffers from this condition because I find other people just cannot comprehend what we go through. I will check in at this thread periodically. Thanks for listening.
Thanks Morning Glory for starting this thread. I am currently in psychotherapy for the treatment of chronic PTSD and major depression. For years I self medicated myself with alcohol and became alcohol dependant. I am in recovery for all my conditions. I work very hard to try and manage my symptoms with grounding exercises, relaxation exercises, journaling, self affirmations, meditation and attendance to a 12 step fellowship. It is just about a full time job trying to get healthy. Due to re-occurring major depression I have been unable to work for 3 years now. I miss my job from which I get great satisfaction. I am a registered nurse. I take antidepressants and use a non-addictive antipsychotic to help manage some of my anxiety symptoms. I currently battle with trying to not dissassociate and still experience occasional flashbacks. I am glad to talk with anyone who suffers from this condition because I find other people just cannot comprehend what we go through. I will check in at this thread periodically. Thanks for listening.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Welcome junem,
It sounds like your well on your way with your recovery. I went through years of severe depression and panic attacks trying to figure all of this out on my own. I'm content now for the most part. I still struggle with mild depression, but I can live with that.
There is no way to explain this to someone who hasn't experienced it. It certainly tests our ability to endure.
Please feel free to start a new thread or post a reply to any of the threads on the board.
We're glad you're here.
Hugs,
MG
It sounds like your well on your way with your recovery. I went through years of severe depression and panic attacks trying to figure all of this out on my own. I'm content now for the most part. I still struggle with mild depression, but I can live with that.
There is no way to explain this to someone who hasn't experienced it. It certainly tests our ability to endure.
Please feel free to start a new thread or post a reply to any of the threads on the board.
We're glad you're here.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: toronto, ontario, canada
Posts: 224
I am finding my weekly sessions with my psychiatrist very helpful and I find him to be most supportive. Just last session he suprised me by being so aptly able to empathize with the loss of quality of life I experience as a result of my co-occurring depression, PTSD and alcoholism. It is nice to know my therapist fully understands my frustration. I am so grateful for the help I am getting. We spend alot of time discussing stategies for seeking safety. It has helped alot.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
Don W - Interesting to hear your posts and progress as I am sure my AH suffers from PTSD but is not being treated for that, only depression.
Also - several of you mentioned a medication for immediate use when anxiety occurred? What is it? I would just like to read more about these things to help me understand.
thx to all for great insight
Also - several of you mentioned a medication for immediate use when anxiety occurred? What is it? I would just like to read more about these things to help me understand.
thx to all for great insight
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Morning Glory
This board is new and not very active yet. I would love to have you share your experiences or just let me know you stopped by. <a href="http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/register.php?s=&action=signup">Please register so you can post on all of the boards.</a>
I had full blown PTSD and have managed to get it under control. I did it without medication for the simple reason that there was no medication when I came down with it. I had never even heard of the word anxiety and thought I was losing my mind. I had panic attacks so severe that I literally could not move my legs or arms. My body produced charlie horses(muscle spasms)in every muscle in my body to relieve the overflow of adrenaline that I was producing. I had agoraphobia for several years.
The traumas that brought on my PTSD were childhood sexual abuse,witnessing parental spousal abuse, witnessing an airplane crash with 180 dead, long term battering from personal spousal abuse, witnessing a suicide.
When my memories of childhood abuse began to surface, I had flashbacks for 5 years. I now suffer from intrusive thoughts that are negative and morbid. I am working on this at the present time.
If you suffer from PTSD, Flashbacks, Intrusive Thoughts, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia etc...I understand! Please feel free to share.
Hugs,
Morning Glory (MG)
I had full blown PTSD and have managed to get it under control. I did it without medication for the simple reason that there was no medication when I came down with it. I had never even heard of the word anxiety and thought I was losing my mind. I had panic attacks so severe that I literally could not move my legs or arms. My body produced charlie horses(muscle spasms)in every muscle in my body to relieve the overflow of adrenaline that I was producing. I had agoraphobia for several years.
The traumas that brought on my PTSD were childhood sexual abuse,witnessing parental spousal abuse, witnessing an airplane crash with 180 dead, long term battering from personal spousal abuse, witnessing a suicide.
When my memories of childhood abuse began to surface, I had flashbacks for 5 years. I now suffer from intrusive thoughts that are negative and morbid. I am working on this at the present time.
If you suffer from PTSD, Flashbacks, Intrusive Thoughts, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia etc...I understand! Please feel free to share.
Hugs,
Morning Glory (MG)
I am new to this forum. Just registered today ( July 27 ) and I have PTSD. I have it as a result of violent molestations and beatings. These things happen on a daily basis for 14 years. ( Ages 3-17 ) I also witnessed my twin sister being raped and murdered violently. I have bad flash backs and severe depression as well as severe anxiety and IBS. I also am Agoraphobic. I havent left my home in 5 years. I need some support and help. Could someone please help me. I am tired of living in fear and anger at what he did to me. Thank you. Barelas24
Guest
Posts: n/a
Welcome Barelas24,
I'm sorry you've been through so much trauma and sorry you have to live with it now. It sure has a way of sneaking up on us and totally taking away our quality of life.
I struggled for many years and I got better. My daughter healed from severe trauma in just a year or two with the right therapy and medication. There is lots of hope for us. A normal functioning life is very possible with the right tools. There are tapes that really helped my daughter. They are expensive, but you can make payments.
It's Lucinda Bassett’s “Attacking Anxiety & Depression� Self-Help Program.
http://www.expert-help.com/anxiety/
Please feel free to start a thread so others will see your post and offer support. The posts in this thread get overlooked because it's a sticky thread.
Hugs to you,
MG
I'm sorry you've been through so much trauma and sorry you have to live with it now. It sure has a way of sneaking up on us and totally taking away our quality of life.
I struggled for many years and I got better. My daughter healed from severe trauma in just a year or two with the right therapy and medication. There is lots of hope for us. A normal functioning life is very possible with the right tools. There are tapes that really helped my daughter. They are expensive, but you can make payments.
It's Lucinda Bassett’s “Attacking Anxiety & Depression� Self-Help Program.
http://www.expert-help.com/anxiety/
Please feel free to start a thread so others will see your post and offer support. The posts in this thread get overlooked because it's a sticky thread.
Hugs to you,
MG
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