If you're new to this site
 

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I had full blown PTSD and have managed to get it under control. I did it without medication for the simple reason that there was no medication when I came down with it. I had never even heard of the word anxiety and thought I was losing my mind. I had panic attacks so severe that I literally could not move my legs or arms. My body produced charlie horses(muscle spasms)in every muscle in my body to relieve the overflow of adrenaline that I was producing. I had agoraphobia for several years.

The traumas that broght on my PTSD were childhood sexual abuse,witnessing parental spousal abuse, witnessing an airplane crash with 180 dead, long term battering from personal spousal abuse, witnessing a suicide.

When my memories of childhood abuse began to surface, I had flashbacks for 5 years. I now suffer from intrusive thoughts that are negative and morbid. I am working on this at the present time.

If you suffer from PTSD, Flashbacks, Intrusive Thoughts, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia etc...I understand! Please feel free to share.

Hugs,

Morning Glory (MG)

Hi MG

I have been reading your posts here regularly, and haven't responded much because I never thought of PTSD as applying to me. WELL...guess what. I believe that many of the problems I have today are caused by PTSD, as well as my to-the-core codependency, and the combo isn't too "special".

I, too have anxiety attacks, and was diagnosed with G.A.D. (General Anxiety Disorder) and prescribed 2 medications, one for daily use and one for when the attacks seem eminent. The daily one caused me side affects worse than the disorder, so I stopped taking it and the "emergency" medication is just perfect for me when I have attacks and can't seem to pull it together. My prescription of 60 pills has lasted me almost one year, so I know I am not careless about the use.

My father died when I was 6,my mother was almost murdered when I was 7 (freak thing - crazy person got into our house), I was sexually abused by a male babysitter (thank God that was a one time thing, but affected me traumatically none the less). These childhood things, I believe, were part of the deeply rooted reasons for my codependency, and very traumatic.

My son is a crack addict (in recovery) and through the years I have had some very traumatic experiences with this. The fear alone would have been enough, but because of this I have lost trust of people, I have areas of this city that make me want to throw up when I drive past them because of the terrible memories that immediately spring to mind when I am there, I have nightmares repeating old memories, where I wake up screaming and cannot get back to sleep and I have a phobia of basements (the crazy person hid in our basement), that still kick in every time I have to go to a basement. My house has a lower level that is at ground level and that is one of the reasons I chose to live here...it is not like a basement.

Many people have had worse experiences that mine, but I recognize the impact that this had on me. I always thought PTSD was something that happened to war vets or people like the survivors of 9/11, and now see that it can be broought on my many things.

Thank you for opening my eyes to this. My recovery for codependency has served me well in all areas of my life, but I feel I may take some more time to go back to those painful events and try to work through them so that maybe, some day, I can finally let them go.

Again, I have written the great Canadian/American novel, and I am sorry, but you did ask us to share and I thank you for the nudge to put some of this to paper/screen.

Hugs

Ann,

I appreciate you sharing your experience. I understand how you feel. I am running to work right now and will reply again when I have more time. You are a wonderful person and it's hard to share these past experiences.

Lots of Hugs,

MG

Hi WAI

Thank you for being so kind and thoughtful. I have always been aware of the trauma these events caused me, but really never put a name to it before now. I have been working through a lot of this stuff over the past few years, and talking about is is painful but helpful to me.

It's wierd but I looked back and this was actually the second time I shared that info today. I also answered someone on another board about my 12-step program helping me through all the difficulties in my life. Twice in one day...well that's a big one for me.

I did try a couple of anti-depressants, and none of them were very good for me. Just taking my anti-anxiety medication when I need it, seems to work well. The way I am now living my life, and my mental focus and recovery have helped me so much and seem to be a healthy answer to my particular needs. Also, I am not sure I was severely "depressed" (oh sometimes maybe). My problem seemed to be more of a panic attack/anxiety/adrenaline thing and Icould rarely
stay grounded enough to feel depressed. I strive with all my heart to keep a better "balance" in my life today, and make a physical and mental effort to so something positive for myself every day, and that seems to help me a lot. Again, I am luckier than some that this works for me.

Hugs

Ann,

I'm finally home. It was a hectic day.

To finally reply to your post. It sounds like you have a mild case of PTSD that you have been able to manage well. I too have a little bottle of medication that I take a tiny little piece off when feeling over anxious. It also lasts me a long, long time.

Nightmares are a form of flashbacks. Our brains are remarkable and protect us from having to face everything we've been through all at once. People who have gone through sexual abuse during the night time hours may experience nightmares because that is the time that the abuse took place.

Also, as children we block out experiencing all the terror of the traumatic event that took place. When we are adults and are better able to handle it, we may re-experience the emotions. This can be through nightmares or remembering when we are awake and reliving the experience.

I too am afraid of going into empty buildings alone. I was attacked as a child when I went to feed the neighbors dog. The man was hiding in the garage. He kept my sister and brother and I hostages the whole day. It was a terrifying experience for us at that age. I cannot walk into buildings now alone. I blocked the memory out completely.

I was also raped at 10 years old when I went to a friends house to visit. His older brother assaulted me.

Both of these events were so traumatic that I completely blocked out the memory. I remembered in my 30's. I actually remembered by re-living the incidents emotionally.

I read your other post on the other board and these things can deffinately cause co-dependency.

You are dealing with the issues and I don't think you should worry about digging for them. They will surface a little at a time without your help as long as you are willing and able to face and accept what might pop up. You are already facing things through your nightmares.

Keep doing what you're doing. You're doing fine.

Hugs,

MG

Hi morning Glory, I have been reading the post and they have been helpful. I have been using some of your relaxation excercises going back and forth to work on the bus. I was posting last night and the power went out, it was just a breaker but, I lost the post and didn't feel like starting over. I agree with the others about how supriseing PTSD can affect us. As you know it is alot of work changing thought patterns used for a long time.
I have even found through treatment that some of my memories were not as things were but, I believed them to be true. One thing that has been key to me is cognitive theraphy. I have been using it in every day life. I have to admit that sometimes I get tired of the thinking part of the process. I understand that in time it will become second nature. I am finding that in my case knowlage has been the most effective tool against PTSD. That, and of course not drinking. It has only been a little over a month and I feel that I have advanced further than even when I had the 5 years of sobriety. I think another key was finding a way to get the problem outside of myself. Let me try to expain. I feel that the PTSD was the center of my world and being. Regardless of wether I was using or not it had the ability to control everything
and anyone around me. Sort of like being in orbit around it. When it's gravitational pull would all these pieces close enough
it had the ability to change thoughts, perception, emotions, etc.
The induction of alcohol weakened my ability to reach a higher orbit. Along with the medication, and theraphy and the ability to change I feel I have a different outlook on the problem. Somehow, I have become the center of my recovery. My alcoholism, PTSD, Depression etc. have become the orbiting planets around me. With the tools of knowlage and support and work I can pull these items in close or work on them from a distance. The best suggestion I can give is something someone told me a long time ago. He said " Don, there may be a reason that you have put periods of sobriety together and then it is like you sabotage it. You seem to be able to stop but, can't stay stopped. There may be something else. " Well, although i didn't figure it out at the time and now we know so much more I really believe it was PTSD. It makes sense. How could I possibly change without changing how I thought about myself. I urge eveyone to give it some thought. Heck, what have you got to lose? Depression, anxiety, lack of self-esteam. The bottom line is although I have moments that I'm not sure what is going on, I do feel much better about life and most of all myself. I can get better and so can you. Don W

Don,

I so appreciate your encouragement. You are working so hard on your recovery. I am so proud of you. I am also trying to recognize my negative thoughts and trying to replace them with positive thinking.

These forums have helped me so much because there are so many wonderful people who have been so uplifting.

I've heard it said, that if you replace all of your thoughts with positive thoughts, that your PTSD will disappear. I think that is probably true. I think it's all about how we respond to what has happened to us.

Looking at our past is good. Living in our past is not good. I'm glad all of my repressed memories came up so I could face the things that happened to me. Now it is time to change my thinking and move on. That is easier said than done.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Hugs,

MG

Hey MG

I lurk over here often. Even though I don't have PTSD, I find most of things you post very insightful and helpful, especially the relaxation exercises and imagine peace.

Thank you so much for your great work over here!!

Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie

Thanks Debbie,

You are always welcome!


Hugs,

MG

Hi Everyone, I wanted to touch base on this board. I posted on the NA board about the problem I have had the last few days. What I didn't mention is that at my lowest point I remembered new things from the past. I can't explain it but, itwas like a shoer of shame washed over me. Not guilt, but ashamed. I can't even determine what I was ashamed of. I needed to shre this. I have read others post about unexplained feelings that come out at low points. Don

Hi Don,

I get waves of shame at times. Read the post on guilt that is here on the board. It might explain some of the feelings you have. I just have to try and float through them until they go away. I did notice that the prozac I started intensified these emotions. Have you started any new medication?

Hugs and I hope you feel better.

MG

Hi Morning Glory, I am doing much better today. Whith the help here and the VA I was able to move through it. I have been taking Paroxetine 20mg. The doctor at the VA told me some of the problem may have been the dosage. They like to use this because they can walk you up to 60mg. He wants me to take 30mg which will be a pill and a half. I do feel better but, to early to tell. I was looking forward to cutting it out but, he said no. That is a new one I am following a doctor's orders. He said it is early and not uncommon to adjust the dosage. The fact is although I speak of these valleys I want you to know there are many more peeks and the valleys do last as long. I am glad you are doing well. Your posting have really helped me undersand what is happening. Don

Hi Don,

I'm glad you're feeling better. I think we may struggle with bouts of unpleasant emotions throughout our lifetime. I know that I get through them quickly now when they hit.

I can handle everything really well now except when the shame hits. That's a tough one for me. This time it only lasted for two days so that's pretty good.

Watching all the effort you are making is very encouraging to me and others. Your sharing is very helpful to all of us.

Thanks for taking the risk to share and know it is helping others.

Hugs,

MG

post tramic stress
 

i do know what this disorder is like i suffer from it too i wake up having a panic attack at times and not sure why or what is happening to me

i know i have blocked alot of childhood memories out and some adult hood too

i am getting help for it now through therapy and medications but i cant handle the side effects of meds

thanks for letting me share
not much right now
:newbe:

Hi mistee,

Welcome to the forum. Panic attacks are really hard to deal with. I'm glad you're here and please feel free to post any time. It helps so much just to know others understand what you are going through. I read your post on the depression board too.

Next time you post start a new thread by clicking on the new thread button.

Share what you are going through and get support from all of us. I too had a relationship with my son like you described with your daughter. I've been able to heal it from what I've learned on these boards about changing my reactions.

This is a great place. Keep posting.

Hugs,

MG

I posted this twice to make sure you would see it.

Hi Mistee, Welcome to the site. I can identify with the unexplained panic attacks. I really feel that they come from my subconscience. Many times after an attack I remember something from my past. I have been in a recovery group at the VA Hospital.
Although some of my PTSD is from Vietnam, I had many childhood problems. It is hard to deal with it but, I am finding that the road to recovery in my case needs to visit those times. Not so much
to remember the problem but, to change how I may remember them. The number one for us change is blaming ourselves for something we may have had no control over. Also, I had to change looking at them as an adult. I was a child when the abuse
took place and I was a sailor do his job as ordered. Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing. Don

count me in too...
 

Hi All,

I happened over here b/c of a prompt from the Co-dependents board.

My case is a little different from the others here and so I thought it may help others with different histories....

I am so fortunate that I did not have the child hood traumas described above. I kind of feel that my issue is inadequate in comparrison, but alas it is very real and was diagnosed as PTSD. I still struggle with it.

As a child I was often dominated or over powered. I had three older brothers (btw 8 and 14 years older). My "best friend was alot bigger than me & often bullied me. My father quit drinking due to A when I was four. I was a latch key kid by seven. I was cooking meals for the family by 13 and did alot of the grocery shopping by 16. I was not forced, I just liked to help my mom out.

So I grew up and am very co-dependent.

Years later, as a manager at a major department store, I was put into a very large assignment. More $ and departments than almost anyone got for their first assignment. To make a long story short, some of the staff threatened me (I was trying to get them to follow very basic company rules that had gone unenforced for years. They told me that it did not matter what I said or did, they'd never give in. I did not report this. I don't know why. SOme of the measures were changing and I knew that I could not get away with turning a blind eye like precious managers did, besides, it was wrong and I had to follow the rules!! LOL.
I clearly had boundary issues when I look at it in retrospect. One of the male staff (they were all in their 50's, I was late 20's) told me that they hated me so much that they wanted to take my neck and twist it till it snapped. I was actually "embarrassed"!!! I did not want to admit this to any one. I did tell the store manager (my manager). He freaked out and offered to help me some more. Weeks later, he denied that I ever told him to cover his own butt b/c his maanagers wanted to why he did not take very serious action... I wish I knew that too.

I ended up on a leave, they tried to demote me and get rid of me (they figured I had lied, or it was the easier situation to deal with - get rid of one manager rather than a department of 5 old timers). I have not really been able to work since. I left the company and have had a few jobs since then, but I continue to have bad experiences. I just do not know how to get out of this. I have lost my optimism and sunny outlook. Again, I know that this may not seem like much comapitively, and I appologize if you feel that my issue is too small. I do thankyou though for the chance to share, and am sorry for the length.

Lynda

Lynda,

No issue is too small here. It doesn't matter what gives us PTSD. Prolonged stress can cause it too. We can only cope for so long until we get tired and start to shut down.

Working now probably triggers that experience. I was working as a manager of a large chain restaurant many years ago when I was in my 20s. The other 3 managers started running a drug ring at the restaurant with teenagers as buyers. I found out about it and confronted them. I was then followed around by the teenagers. It was very frightening. I was very discouraged when I had to quit that job.

There is politics involved with every job. You have to learn how to play. It's a lot harder on women to figure it out I think. I think that's the most overwhelming part of my job right now. I think with all of us it's just a matter of learning the tools so we can cope. Try to figure out just what it is that is bothering you. Then you can learn some tools to correct it. I think part of it too may be that we are such perfectionists that it really takes a toll on us when something like this happens and really makes us feel like a failure.

We're always here.

Hugs,
MG

Thanks MG for listening and supporting. You're an :angel:

A/G

seeking help sick of crying!
 

hi to all. i am writing this post for more information on what it is all about? i am really confussed and not recieving much help here in my city.

my life has been full of fear to trust. i am 21 years old now and more stressed than ever. when i was 12 both of my parents were crack addicts and than they split up and recovered. than the got back together, and everything was fine for years till last september my father started using again, my mother left him and took up drinking. in february i moved back home with my dad believing he was clean, well he wasn't and hint after hint after hint occured and i just kept telling my self i was being paranoid, finally i was convinced and left in june. i am back on my own and feeling helpless and so confussed. i have nightmares and flashbacks of all the events that took me to realize my dad is not was not clean. im scared for him on a daily basis, which causes anger, and i am scred for my little brother who still lives with him.(which i cannot do anything about). i have tried to contact counsellors of all sorts in my city to help me and none of them have been of any use, cause i cannot afford to pay them. finally i have decided to help myself in whatever ways i can. i was looking up some of the symptoms i have been going through on the net and i read about PTDS, i went out and got books on PTDS and have just started going through the criterias, some of my answers are telling me i may be going through PTDS and some the opposite, if anyone would be willing on helping me come to a conclusion would you please!