Thank you for your replies.
I do need to see the dr., but I have been laid off and can't afford the office visit required...yet. I hope to be back at work in the next couple of days, but that means being on the road and I won't have ready access to a computer, so if I just seem to disappear, that is what happened.
I woke up shaking this morning. If I were able to let my feelings just be there would be alot of tears. I am addicted to my abuser. The books call it a trauma bond and verify that it is very powerful and intense. I humiliate myself in that even after all the lies, pain, uncerainty, grief and sadness, the betrayals of anyghing and everything a relationship is about, I wake up shaking because I can't call him and knowing that after all we've been through why he just replaced me in a mere 4 days. And here I am 5 years of not even being able to think of being with anyone else. I know it's not rational. But when I want held and comforted my thoughts go directly and only to him.
I woke up every two hours last night, all night.
And I shame myself as in "where is my self respect" that even after he flaunted his new LOVE to me and they are laying where I lived with him, where we were, with my books still beside the bed and all that I would want to callhim!
Then I get defensive and swing over into a mental RAGE.
And I want to take it out on him too. Sail off in the sunset my ASS!!!
Okay I know that in part this is sickness talking.
And what can I say? Thanks for letting me get it out. There are real live people who will listen and talk to me through this. Even if I can't see you I know you are there because while I slept you answered me.
My head understands things way too well. But my heart just can't get it.
I guess he's the only person I talked to. And I would be locked up in my head entirely if not for this forum.