Lexa

Hi,

I have, by accident, found your website. It has saved my life. I have been extremely suicidal lately due to PTSD and other things that are happening in my life.

I don't know if I am ready to share my past, but it was extremely violent. I still hide it from myself. Everything I ever cared about was either beaten or killed in front of my eyes. I have learned helpless and have a hard time getting close to anyone so am alone a lot.

I read about codependency. I was taking care of my father at age three in all ways imaginable. I had to work really hard on his farm and took care of his house until I moved out at age 16. I never knew what being a kid was. I have a hard time working now.

I am in grad school and can't do it for some reason. I yell at myself and criticize myself and constantly beat myself up to try to motivate myself. I ruminate and worry. I also have ADD and obsess about things constantly. In other words, I drive myself nuts. Guess I am stressed out too with working part-time at a job that doesn't pay much and having too many bills. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I never forsaw myself as having a future and I still don't.

I left my family about 14 years ago and have just reconnected with an older sister who was verbally abusive to me. When I add up all the pain, life seems unbearable. I do to myself what others have done to me!

I now live above a man who has sex with a woman about 30 times a day (no kidding). I can hear them and smell them. I work at home so have to endure the unpleasantness of the situation. It makes me sick and for some reason want to protect her from his sickness. I myself have not have had sex for about 10 years, which might be consider a sickness.

I have also started new meds. I take 20mg of Topamax for PTSD. It has been allowing me to sort through my emotions and anxieties and helping feel my anger and see how I victimize myself by blaming everything that happens on my little girl.

Anyhow, just wanted to say thank you and thank you to whomever wrote the post on suicide and just stay with me a few more minutes. I remember when my uncles came back from Vietnam and how strange they were. I have what they have. I feel sorry for the men and wome who are serving in Iraq. Luckily we have better mental health services now then we have then.

Morning Glory

Welcome Lexa,

Sounds like we are twins. I could have written your post.

There is lots and lots of hope ahead. I know how tired you must feel. I drive myself crazy most every day and it really wears you out thinking so much and processing so much information. Every time I think it's impossible I learn something new about myself and learn to let some little thing go. Each time that happens I'm just a little bit closer to freedom.

Please feel free to start a new thread and talk about anything. It really helps to do this with others. Being alone and holding it in makes it worse.

I used to be disabled by my PTSD and codependency. I can function now. I'm not jumping for joy, but I'm usually content now.

I'm sorry you suffered through so much trauma.

Hugs,
MG

dragonlady

I have a question, I have a bad habit of beating myself in the head when I get really upset. I am also an addict, copd, acoa, ect.... Is this problem what you define "self-injury" or am I just screwed up? THANX

Morning Glory

Hi dragonlady,

Do you injure yourself or do you just relieve your stress that way? I don't think it's self injury if you are just relieving stress and not causing real injury. Maybe you could find a more appropriate way to relieve your stress that is kinder to you.

When you're feeling bad don't do anything to harm yourself. The feelings of shame kind of turn us toward ourselves in a destructive way. Do you feel shame when this happens?

Read this thread and see if you can relate to any of it.

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/show...?threadid=4099

dragonlady

Thanx MG! I think it is just relieving stress, and that I've got alot of! It hurts but I don't actually injure myself. I just wish I could find a better way because my 2 yr. old and 12 yr. old do the same thing now. I don't know if I need on this forum or not, I need to investigate more . Thanx for your input!

sam082602

Hello, MG!! I finally checked out this entire thing but never found what I was looking for which was a definition of PTSD & the symptoms of it. My fiancee, Russell, and my mama, a nurse, both say I have it but my psychiatrists have never taken the time to find out if I do so I have never been diagnosed but I go see my new psychiatrist on Monday, 09/13/04 at 9 a.m. & if I know what I am talking about maybe this new doctor will at least look into it for me!! Can/will you help by giving me a definition & the symptoms? Thanks, Samantha

sweeks

I was actually just looking that up a few days ago and I found this site helpful:

http://www.4woman.gov/faq/posttrau.htm

Morning Glory

I'll bring some posts up to the top of this board also.

Hugs

shutterbug

First time in this forum area. don't think I have PTSD, but may have GAD or social anxiety and my stress factor is off the charts. I have my first real apt. with a phychiatrist this month and I think the info I'm learning here and elsewhere will help lead me to a possible full diagnosis. Thanks.

Keeper

I'm new to this and need some support. I have never been diagnosed with PTSD but I think I do experience it. My sister has been diagnosed with it. We were both sexually abused by my father. I was sexually abused also by my older brother and a drinking friend of my father's. Oh yes also by my mother's brother. And raped many times by my ex-husband. I am sober 17 years. Had no memories of childhood stuff til 7 years sober. Have been in therapy most of my sobriety. Have had two years of emdr therapy. These past few months have been quite hard. I'm 48 years old and also experiencing perimenopause. Never quite sure what's going on. I only know for the past 3 weeks I have felt down and out. I see a therapist every 3 weeks. I don't know what else to do for myself . Thought I would look for some support online. I have always resented labels and this one included ptsd. I have seen people stay sick using the label as an excuse for everything. Of late my thinking has changed. I wonder if knowing how ptsd manifests itself in my life might help me cope with it. I enjoyed reading your postings. HOpe to hear from you. Would appreciate an email. [email protected]
Thanks again

Morning Glory

Welcome Keeper,

I went through most of my life not knowing what was wrong with me. I just used to think I was crazy. I think PTSD is a better label than crazy, lol.

We're glad you're here. Feel free to start a new thread or jump in and reply on any of the forums.

I'm sorry you experinced the abuse in your childhood. I started really late recovering from my childhood abuse. I had it so buried that I didn't even know it happened. Once I started to remember things moved pretty fast.

I'm glad you found us.

Hugs,
MG

shutterbug

MG - The suspicion was confirmed. I have PTSD from more than one childhood event. I've identified 3 thus far which has helped me realize why I have problems with some of things as an adult now. I too have been worried about the labels on one hand, but my other hand is heavier with the desire to learn so I can fix myself.

Wishing us all good mental health. :boat

Morning Glory

Hi shutterbug,

I just know there is something wrong with just about everyone. I'm not sure I've ever met a normal person. I just found out a couple of years ago that I wasn't the only one in the world who had flashbacks. It was such a relief to know I wasn't all alone. Labels can be good. They take us out of isolation.

Identifying 3 childhood events is much harder than it sounds. I'm glad you were able to remember and connect the events to the present. I don't know how much you have buried, but it will find it's way up.

We'll be here if you need us.

Hugs,
MG

ajay

Hullo everyone,
I have visited this site only on a few occasions, each time I came I found it so hard to ingest the painful experiences suffered by others. At that time I was fighting my childhood trauma with drugs,alcohol and self harming. I couldn't cope with the thoughts and feelings and felt I was not worthy of the 'label' of being abused. I am lucky to have a very good psychotherapist with whom I have at last built a rapport with. I am still struggling with the drug and alcohol problem, as soon as things get tough I reach out for that 'something' to take away the painful feelings. I know things are going to get worse before they get better and I am so very scared, scared of how I will cope, scared of going off the rails and scared of reliving the shame and guilt.
I need somewhere to come to when I need to reach out, I don't want to reach out for substances but I also don't want to burden others with my problems. I am at the very begining of my journey and have what seems a million miles to go but I do know that it can be done and it needs to be done.
I'm really scared and just need a hug from somebody that understands ........ am I making any sense? Probably not.
I am feeling so confused and desperate thoughts flood my addled brain ......... can someone please reassure me that what I am going through is normal.
I am sorry if this sounds all jumbled up, I guess I needed to vent.
Thankyou for reading this and providing a safe haven,
Ali x

junem

((((((((((Ajay)))))))))))))) Thank you for having the courage to share. You are right where you need to be. Trust me, you make perfect sense. I and many of us here have been right where you are now. Your therapist will help you to face your pain and by facing your pain sober you will grow strong and healthy and wise beyond measure. There are all kinds of tricks for coping and coming here to vent and share with us is ine you can use. Journalling is also helpful. Mindfulness meditation inorder to keep grounded and in the now is a life saver to me at times. It is normal to be afraid to face the deamons of our pasts but remember you can always come back to the now where all is well. At any paricular moment in your life, if you are able to be truely present in the now you will see that you are safe and sound. Hang in there. It is a hard journey but well worth the fight.

Live

ps, reaching out is not a burden, it is what we all do. There is so much understanding and support, experience, strength, and hope here...and we all share it together. It lightens the load.

Morning Glory

Welcome Ajay,

Feel free to post new threads and talk as much as you want to. It helps others when you share.

Hugs,
MG

vanhoutte37

I was diagnosed with Chronic/Complex PTSD with delayed onset over 10 years ago. My Father physically abused me till I was 8 and sexually abused me for 4 years. Then the State took me away and put me with his parents. They do not accept the way he is. So after 4 years of him being court ordered away they allowed him back into my life without HRS knowing about it. He would come to my grandparents and hit me push me down steps all sorts of things and they let him. I got sick with stomach and bowel problems "Ulceritive Colitis, which I still have today " They would just leave me in the hospital never come and see me or even call. Then when I was 14 he tried to sexually abuse me again. He always kept a loaded shotgun in the corner of his bedroom so I took the gun pointed it to his head and told him I was 14 not 4 and I would blow his head off. Then I dropped the gun and ran. My grandparnets are always pushing him on me. Blaming everyone else for his problems and actions. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with Chronic PTSD. My prognosis was gaurded do to servere personality traits at such a young age. " states that in my records" But I left 2 months after I was dianosed. My grandma told me I was bipolar. All this time I thought I had bipolar. Well 2 months ago I was talking to her about it telling her that I was going to go see a doctor to get my records to see if there is anything that could help me with my GED test. She started talking weird. Told me that I have bipolar then she said that nothing was wrong with me. Then she said that if I get them that people would take my son away and then told me I had nothing wrong again. So, I knew she was hiding something after that call. I received my records and come to find out I was diagnosed with Chronic with delayed onset PTSD. My whole family lied. My life has been one big lie after another. I feel like my life is crashing down on me. I have gone all this time left untreated and now I am a hermit. I do not do anything social, I can't even keep up with daily activites. I am so depressed. I almost have all the symtems of Complex PTSD. I have never had support from family or friends. I can hardly remember my life. Everything is just all bad. I can't hold a job I do not get along with people. Anything that reminds me of the traumatic events in my life and I snap. What made me check all this out was my GED to begin with. I can not retain information. I am having a real hard time with it. I have an appointment to a doc next week. So I will see then what the next step is. I feel like my life is a soap opera or a movie.

Eagle50

Good morning Morning Glory,

Just a note to let you know I dropped by. I just started to look for an online PTSD chat and found this one right off the bat. I'm interested in chatting with others who have more knowledge than I do about PTSD &c... I was diagnosed with complex (chronic) PTSD last January 2004. Among all my other symptoms I am agoraphobic. I would like to hear from you.

eagle50

lyn-lyn

I under stand where you are.It isn't easy to deal with the ptsd but in time it will get better