gneiss

Couldn't find the Cant Sleep thread so I'm posting here. I think my life has fallen apart, I hate myself. I've messed up every significant relationship in my life ten times worse since I started the ridiculous process of getting clean than I ever did when I was on dope.

I used to be a good person. Now I'm basically a pathetic, idiotic loser. I feel like the sky is falling, my world's falling apart. And I can't sleep because of it. It makes me sick to think who I used to be and who I have become.

windysan

Gneiss, get ahold of yerself now. You ain't a loser. We all like you and think you're swell.

allport

Gneiss I don't know what's going on hun but Windy is right you are not a loser

And whatever has gone wrong, and nothing is ever perfect, it is not because you are trying to get clean.

Don't do anything you will end up regretting tomorrow, and you know I am talking about using or drinking, it's not the solution to anything.

Take care of yourself. x

Bamboozle

gneiss...I'm about to go to work...but...


Please just stay on SR or lie down and get some rest.

There are times when I don't have sunshine moments...I cried myself to sleep last night.

Give yourself a break. The feeling will pass. Hang in there.

gneiss

I tried laying down, didn't sleep for even a second. Not sure how I managed not to drink but I made it through the night. I'm still miserable though, and on top of that have not slept. I have to get ready for work in a few minutes. I'm really having a rough time with the way my life's going right now.

And then to add to my worries... Basically my roommate started drinking Thursday night, went on an all-weekend bender, had coke and Xanex and I don't even know what else. If I kick him out it's the end of our friendship and I don't know if I'm prepared for that. We were best friends for years before we ever did drugs. But at the same time I told him when he moved in there were no drugs allowed. I've done a few drugs too though so if I kick him out I'm the world's biggest hypocrite. But I have to look out for myself, too.

Thanks everybody.

allport

Obviously I don't know the full story but every time you post about relapsing or partying your roomate seems to loom large.

I think whether you are ready for it or not the relationship has to change in someway because it does seem like you are dancing to his tune.

Again I say I don't know the full story I am only going from your past posts but I couldn't stay in any kind of relationship with someone that basically drove me to drink

Really really look at what you are getting from this guy in terms of emotional happiness and self esteem, its not easy to detach from someone if you love them (even as just a friend) but it's not easy to stay sober either and you don't need the stress.

I hope you find some peace tonight and get some decent sleep, it really does make a big difference x

windysan

don't do dope. ain't worth it.

gneiss

Thanks, Allport. These are all thoughts running through my head, but I'm glad you put them here. You're right, I've started to feel lately like this is a one-sided friendship, he does as he pleases and I do all the work. I'm just going to have to talk to him about it (as soon as the skank he brought home last night leaves, anyway. I think I might get hepatitis from eye contact with her). If it doesn't change he has to go. That kills me, I don't want to have to kick him out but I feel like it's a matter of time before I'm back on dope if this continues.

For once in my life I guess it's time to look out for #1 and let the rest of it work out.

Bamboozle

Absolutely. Do what you gotta do. Don't worry about being labeled a hypocrite...it matters not.


Be nice to yourself today. Eat some good food (not necessarily healthy)...never hurts to get some nutrients/calories.

gneiss

I kinda talked to him. I think he might have taken some pills this morning so I didn't want to get into it too much with him until he dries out. But basically I told him it stops or he leaves, and he only has one more chance. He said he understood and he is starting to think he might have to go to AA or something like that because he can't seem to keep it together. Action talks though, we'll see how it goes.

Meanwhile, by way of being nice and trying to make it up to me a little bit he decided to cook. I'm not sure why he cooked hockey pucks but he insists that at one point they were biscuits. You be the judge:


He forgot to take them out of the oven... for 3 hours.
I needed that laugh today.

tyler

Love the pucks!!! I once had a friend cook some "cookies" for me. They turned out hard as a rock and we called them hockey pucks. In fact we even took a couple of them out front of the house and played hockey with them!! It was all funny until she came by a couple of days later and asked why her "cookies" were scattered about the lawn!! (Even the birds wouldn't touch them!!)

Lack of sleep can be a killer, it totally F's with your mind. I know I have some of my most depressive moments when I don't sleep well. As this seems to be a chronic problem with you, you may want to talk to a doctor about it. You gotta be honest with them and tell them about your substance abuse issues. My doctor perscribes trazodone to me. It is actually a anti-depressant that has sleepieness as one of the side effects. It is non addictive and is often perscribed for addict for this reason specifically. Medation can also help, though personally I have never really gotten the knack of it.

There are many nights I lie awake at night beating myself mercilessly for all of the crap I've done. The things I've screwed up. The people I've disapointed, etc. I've gotten better about pushing those thougts out of my mind as much as possible, but I know the struggle you go through with it. One of the primary reasons I used was to help block these thoughts and just slip into unconsciousness. Anyway, hope you get some sleep tonight. It's good that you are addressing the "roommate" issue. I've never had to deal with that, but it sounds like a bad situation. Hang in there. Take care.

Bamboozle

lol.


gneiss, you have a knack for writing humorously. You know the story you posted about the church tract? I printed it out several months ago and it's still up on my wall. Never fails to make me giggle.

allport

Oh dear they kind of look like some of my efforts at baking

What I would have done is make him eat them to show me how sorry he really was

It's no wonder I have no friends

windysan

nice pucks

gneiss

Thanks, Bam. I appreciate that. If I remember correctly it was the church tract I handed back to the people collecting donations? That was hilarious.

I'm feeling a lot better today. I didn't sleep very well last night though. That's two nights in a row with no or little sleep. I was exhausted but someone had their car stereo going loud and it caused this really weird reverb through my apartment. Usually that's just annoying street noise and I ignore it but something about my apartment amplified it, it was actually quieter outside. Then I had a dream that someone was breaking into my apartment and it woke me up. I went into the kitchen and got some water, and on the way back to bed looked through the peep hole in the door and the neighbor was standing in the breezeway. That kinda weirded me out because of that dream and I spent the rest of the night hearing every stupid noise in the apartment.

Well.. at least it was the cute Brazilian neighbor guy in the breezeway. If you're not going to sleep you might as well have something to look at.

Bamboozle

Sure was.

Speaking of proselytizing one of my fellow employees found this on a table today:





I wanted it so I took it. No discussion...that baby was going to be mine.

Besides...I like chocolate.

gneiss

So... I was talking to a friend today and she told me this guy we both know (who I have hung out with in the past but don't really anymore. Turns out he was kind of a jerk) was talking about me and called me "Blanket [my first name]." I asked her what that meant and she kinda paused for a minute and real quickly said she didn't know.

I open this one up. Any idea what calling someone a blanket is supposed to mean? I don't care about this guy or what he has to say but I'm kinda curious what he's talking about.

Overman

(deleted - couldnt post pic for some reason)

Bamboozle

don't know about blanket, but...

a wet blanket is a downer...someone with lack of enthusiasm...has a depressing effect on others.

There are some different defintions on urban dictionary...seems to be a negative.

Michael Jackson nicknamed his son blanket.

gneiss

*shrug* No worries, he's an idiot anyway.

I think I'm back to good. It's going to be ok. Thanks once again for your words of encouragement the last few days. Guess what though? I stayed SOBER through it the whole time. That's awesome. I wanted to drink, I wanted to get dope. I didn't do it though. And I feel better for it. I'm awesome. Haha