windysan

Gneiss, you did a buncha blow?

gneiss

I did, indeed, Windy.

Yup. I'm an idiot. It's official.

Taking it easy tonight, then tomorrow homework and car maintenance. Fun fun. A new day, free from drugs. Doing well. This is going to work.

Bamboozle

Gneiss...the hardest thing for me to do was be nice to myself.

You are not a loser or an idiot. You have addiction.

Maybe everyone is different, but I noticed that it was harder for me to stop and stay stopped when I was hard on myself. When I stopped judging myself after slipping up, I turned the focus onto taking care of my mental health.

Every time I beat myself up it made it easier for me to drink…it gave me an excuse.

That may not be how it is for you…but what harm comes with giving yourself a mental hug? All of this cheesy feel-good stuff does help.

I guess what made me realize this is that I would never be as hard on another person as I am with myself. There is no reason for me to keep myself down. It wasn’t anyone else…it was on me all of this time.

Be nice to yourself. Take care of your mental and physical health.

shockozulu

You are NOT an idiot. You may have done an idiotic thing, that does not make you an idiot. We all do idiotic things now and again. Many times they have nothing to do with our addiction. Dust yourself off, recognize what lead to your relapse and go on. You did well for a long time, take those lessons and apply them now. You are a good person, and I'm glad to post with you here at SR.

windysan

Oooh, Gneiss. You know cocaine is so icky !! I'm glad you're better now and I hope it made you feel really crappy when you did it.

Overman

Gneiss, I find it helpful to seperate the addiction from my identity.

I may be alcoholic, but that does not DEFINE who I AM as a person.

It's simply a condition or a problem I struggle with.

Likewise, your cocaine problem doesn't DEFINE you. Your IDENTITY is completely seperate!

gneiss

Thanks, guys.

Windy, it did make me feel crappy. Probably the 2nd worst drug experience I've had. Pure misery, even when I was high.

That might really help me. And probably all the lovey-dovey stuff Bam said earlier. I'm pretty hard on myself, far harder than I am on my roommate, for example, who has similar drug problems to mine and is also trying to stop and was right there doing coke with me the other night. It's easier to forgive him than forgive myself.

The weird thing is I really don't have a coke problem. It's a party drug to me, I don't want it, I don't even especially like it. I did meth, that was my real addiction, and I'd do coke when I couldn't get meth. It's been 4 months since I've done meth and I still fight with that. That's what is stupid about it, I can't blame it on being addicted to coke because I really am not. Nothing to blame it on except being stupid the other night.

Thanks everyone. I hope everyone else is doing well! I'm feeling better now. I meant to check in last night but I sat down on the loveseat and fell asleep... 1000 chiropractors can't fix what sleeping on a loveseat will do to your spine. Ouch.

Hugs all around!

tyler

So I've go about 5 month clean now. Yea for me!! The question is, "when do I get to start feeling better??"

I've got a decent new job, making good money, good benifits, good boss. I'm closer to my son, distance wise (about 2 hrs away, instead of 18 hrs). I have a nice place to live (even though it's my parents house, at age 41). Overall, things are better for me than they have been for the last few years at least, and a lot better than they are for many people these days.

The problem is, I still feel like crap about myself. I feel like my life has no real purpose. I get up, go to work, come home, watch a little TV, go to bed, and do it again the next day. I still have no one else in my life, and havent' even the slightest idea of how to find anyone. The fact is, I still pine for my ex, even though I really don't know if that is even a posibility, or for that matter if it is even a good idea. I talk to my son on the phone, but really don't have anything to say, because I really don't know him. He's almost 9 now, and I haven't been a daily part of his life since he was 2. I don't know how to make this any better.

I still beat myself up a bit for the past, though not nearly as much as I used to, the bigger part is beating myself up for the present. Part of it is probably chemical. I changed meds pretty significantly about 2 months ago, and maybe they just aren't working well. I have an appointment with my theripist next week and might make one with my doctor as well. I try to look at things as rationally as possible, but even when I do that they come up looking pertty ******. I'm alive, yeh!! I just feel like I really don't care. If this is as good as it gets, what's the point?? Sorry to be such a downer. I figured it was better to post here than to send a whiny email to my ex, all woe as me. I've put enough crap on her plate over the years, she really doesn't need anymore. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Probably not, but I guess I can hope. I'm going to go buy a bag of Snickers bars, maybe that will help.

Bamboozle

You still have addiction to battle. I've toyed with the idea of smoking pot lately...but I haven't touched it. Booze is my main deal, but I know how easy it would be for me to rely on other substances...I don't put anything past me so I don't touch it. Even my meds for depression cannot possibly be abused...doc knows my history and won't give me any benzos.

The addiction presents through behavior...not within the substance being used...MHO.

shockozulu

Tyler, if this is how you feel daily it sounds like it might be depression. There are several different types. I suffer from two types myself (Seasonal and regular clinical).

Today is gloomy here so I need to make plans to go out and do something. I've been doing okay because I've had the baseball games to watch but now that the Dodgers have swept the Cardinals in three I don't have their games to look forward to for a bit. I'll have to settle for the Yankees vs Twins and Angels vs Red Sox. I'll be happy to see the Dodgers play either one in the World Series (and of course the Dodgers WILL play in the WS because I told them too lol).

gneiss

Dammit. Now I have to go to the store.

Yum... Snickers.

Bamboozle

Still have a lingering cold...but now I have diarrhea on top of that. Ugh. I have the next two days off...so I'm going to rest up. I was supposed to go on a little road trip tomorrow...looks like that's not going to happen. Mud butt and car rides don't mix. Besides...I'm really tired.

Okay...I'm done whining for now.

Hope all is well secular peeps.

shockozulu

Bam, sorry to read you aren't feeling well. I'm so tired and so is my sis and my neighbor. I mean we all look like zombies we're so tired. I wonder if its in the air.

windysan

Diahrrea Cha Cha Cha !! LOL. I'm sick too. I got a killer chest cold and the Cha Cha Cha. Gneiss, you're being a good girl, eh?

shockozulu

Blah weather here today. Its gray but not raining. Just cold and yucky. On the positive side, I don't own a Sidekick!

Overman

They are actually forecasting snow this weekend.

blah

shockozulu

Ugh! I finally went out for a walk and took some pictures to cheer myself up. Here is one crazy photo. I didn't know these things still existed!

Bamboozle

Yes...this was me last night:

tyler

Depression is definately an issue for me. I've been hospitalized for it a couple of times and attempted suicide once. I've been medicated for it for years, with limited success, though I have always thought that was mostly due to my drinking and drugging along with the meds.

While I think that may be somewhat of a factor here, I think a bigger one is acceptence. Even though I've been divorced for almost 5 years, I have never really accepted it. I asked for the divorce after my suicide attempt. We had been seperated for about a year at that time, due mostly to my drug use. I was on a freefall that I really wasn't sure I would pull out of, and I really didn't until fairly recently. I thought I was doing the right thing for my wife and son, as I didn't want to drag them down along with me. I guess I always held the belief in my mind that if I could ever get my $hit together, we would somehow be able to pick up where we left off and be a family again. This belief has been supported by the fact that my ex has not really "moved on" with anyone else, in fact she has only been on a couple of dates, and nothing remotelly serious. In spite of all of that, I think I really need to accept the fact that I am divorced. That is a fact. I might not like it, I might wish I had done things differently, but it is the way it is and I have to accept it as so.

Easier said than done, of course.

I also, somehow, need to find out what makes me happy. The current answer is, nothing really. But there has to be something out there for me. I mean I have things I enjoy, but nothing that really brings me "joy". It makes it hard to see much purpose in life. I still have a large "hole" in my life that my ex occupied. Over time I slowly replaced her with drugs and booze, and eventually lost her because of that. Now I don't even have the drugs and booze, I'm left with nothing there. I don't know how to fill that space again.

I'm seeing my theripist in a couple of days, these are things I should probably hash out with her. It sometimes helps to put it down in front of me though. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Take care.

windysan

lolol