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Hurting myself to punish others

Old 11-13-2009, 05:49 PM
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Hurting myself to punish others

I feel like people stress me out more than just about anything. And when that happens I want a beer. It's actually been a hundred times easier to stay off dope; I can't buy dope at the grocery store.

But basically when I get mad at someone, I want to drink. It's like my punishment for them: I'll show them! I will have a great time even if that guy's being a jerk! Pass me a beer!

It's ridiculous. All it does is hurt me, set me back. So now I wonder why I'm hell-bent on hurting myself. All I really want is to be happy, so why do I consistently do things that make me miserable? Yeah, I sure showed them how much fun a hangover and vomiting all day is. Take that!

I don't even know if that makes sense. I read a book somewhere and a character was described as wishing for his own destruction but lacking the necessary moral fiber to support a full-blown death wish. Sometimes I feel like that. Not that I'm suicidal, I just take opportunities away from myself.
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Old 11-13-2009, 06:17 PM
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I wonder the same thing about myself, too. I claim to want peace & happiness in my life, yet my actions would suggest otherwise. I wish I had some advice for you, sorry. Maybe it will help a wee bit to know you aren't alone in this? Good luck to you.
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Old 11-13-2009, 06:59 PM
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Thanks, Kelly. It's nice to know I'm not alone there. I figured I couldn't be the only one.

Part of this is lately I am sort of chronically mad at people; so constantly for about 3 weeks I've been fighting wanting to drink. I'm getting tired of it but I can't figure out what my problem is. It's frustrating and I am always exhausted from the mental energy it takes to fight off wanting to drink 24 hours a day. And the fatigue makes me grumpier and more likely to get p!ssed off about some random little thing. It's a downward spiral and I keep thinking I'll hit the bottom and it'll get better. So far it hasn't.

The good news is I'm still fighting it. 5 months off dope now, and not sure how long I've been off booze. I don't tend to keep track most of the time, it doesn't seem to help me. I just focus on continuing to resist the temptation, find some way to distract myself.
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Old 11-13-2009, 08:10 PM
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You aren't alone in this gneiss. When I get that way, I go out and take a "stomping" walk. I stomp my feet hard with each step on the sidewalk. That way I can hurt myself without actually causing damage to my body AND as a side effect I get that negative energy out. It feels like an adult temper tantrum but hey, if it works...

I'm another "no day" counter. Its actually been counter-productive to my recovery to count days as I am prone to relapse around anniversaries.
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Old 11-13-2009, 08:35 PM
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Crying works for me...it usually makes me tired enough to sleep.

I've been crying more easily lately...I didn't cry much at all while I was drinking...and sh!t, I'm crying nearly every time I go into therapy.

Be easy on yourself, gneiss. Maybe get some more pictures of fossils? I like seeing those. Go for a walk? I should take my own advice...I need to get some exercise..
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Old 11-13-2009, 08:51 PM
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Gneiss, Do you have activities in the day to keep you occupied, e.g. working? What about the evening? I'm newly sober but I can already feel the difference in my attitude, altho historically I get bitchy at about 2 weeks without a drink. I am actually thinking about sending my somewhat estranged sister a Xmas gift as a sort of peace offering. I have a treadmill at home and I try to use it every day, at a good clip. Getting good and exhausted (whether by stomping or keeping that treadmill moving) vents a lot of bad karma I think. I always feel better after working out. Can you go to a gym? Maybe just getting out with other people you don't know and have no beef with would help. Sending good feelings your way!!!
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Old 11-13-2009, 10:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Alera View Post
I'm another "no day" counter. Its actually been counter-productive to my recovery to count days as I am prone to relapse around anniversaries.
Yup. "Yay! I reached a month! Let's have a beer to celebrate." Not exactly helpful.

Originally Posted by Bamboozle View Post

I've been crying more easily lately...I didn't cry much at all while I was drinking...and sh!t, I'm crying nearly every time I go into therapy.

Be easy on yourself, gneiss. Maybe get some more pictures of fossils? I like seeing those. Go for a walk? I should take my own advice...I need to get some exercise..
Bam, I cry all the time, sometimes for no reason. It's really starting to get to me. Things were looking up for a while and suddenly *wham!* here come the crying fits again. It's exhausting.


Originally Posted by Asta1 View Post
Gneiss, Do you have activities in the day to keep you occupied, e.g. working? What about the evening? I'm newly sober but I can already feel the difference in my attitude, altho historically I get bitchy at about 2 weeks without a drink. I am actually thinking about sending my somewhat estranged sister a Xmas gift as a sort of peace offering. I have a treadmill at home and I try to use it every day, at a good clip. Getting good and exhausted (whether by stomping or keeping that treadmill moving) vents a lot of bad karma I think. I always feel better after working out. Can you go to a gym? Maybe just getting out with other people you don't know and have no beef with would help. Sending good feelings your way!!!
Thanks, Asta. I have classes and work that keep mw busy during the day. Evenings are a little harder. My roommate supposedly has stopped drinking but... hell, I've used all the excuses. At least he doesn't do it in front of me, I guess. I'm starting to think about asking him to leave though.

My sister and I don't get along, either. Last summer she accused me (wrongly) of doing drugs and it was the last straw. I pretty much don't speak to her anymore. She didn't know about the drug use anyway, she just guessed and she was wrong about what she was talking about. But she did it in front of my entire family. I don't care to make up with her after that.

Anyway, I'll catch up tomorrow. I'm --predictably-- tired.
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