gneiss

Hey HP. Glad it's going ok. You're almost there! And you and your partner can support each other. Roomie and I are helping each other through this first few days while we purge the toxins. I feel my body coming back online. The chapped lips have healed, I'm starting to feel better. My neck gets stiff when I drink, my spine keeps snapping when I move my head but I take it to mean my muscles are relaxing and everything is getting back to where it should be.

I tried Skype. I liked the idea of it but I only had 2 friends who used it (and one is my roommate). Plus it makes my computer miserably slow so I uninstalled it.

It's a negative feedback loop. I need money to continue my drug use, but drug use depletes my money supply and I eventually have to stop. +1 Nerd Point for me.

Many moons ago I was told if I had to admit to something I should say I did lines of coke but never admit to crack or meth. Even druggies look down on crack and meth users, apparently. I don't suggest crack. The high doesn't last long, it costs too much, and the next day you are anxious and depressed and coughing up hard bits of disgustingness from your lungs. And it's illegal. And it's gross. And like meth and booze and every other drug I've done it drags you into a black hole of misery and makes your life unlivable.

I love Harry Potter, I sorta think drugs are like Dementors. They suck out all your happiness until you are left with nothing but your worst experiences. And if they don't kill you, they slowly suck out your soul. If I go back it ends with me dead from overdose or in prison, no question.

HuskyPup

Hey again, well I made it home, and am OK, but my partner, not so much. He's more or less passed out on the bed, he must have gone out after work, despite plans to the contrary. Nothing to do now but wait. He is emitting the occasional moaning sound, odd sorts of cries, yet seems unable to communicate. This is hard, as it could as well be me, and just hard to listen to, or I should say emotionally painful. Haunting. Yet I am tired, and will stay in. Tomorrow is a new day, will be day three for me, and my bf can hopefully make day one.

I also am familiar with that whole thing about lines of cocaine not being as ‘evil’ as crack, as if cocaine is somehow sophisticated, and crack is déclassé. Both seem pretty dangerous. Funny, there is a certain vogue right now among the younger art students for crack, as if its former status of being beneath their parent’s typically wealthy social class somehow makes it ‘cool’ I will never figure certain things out.

There’s a very loud train idling outside. Generally they don’t bother me, but this one has an odd rasping quality, as of the engine is about to go out. Hopefully it will leave the platform soon.

I hope I can help my bf. He’s very much the quiet sort, even more afraid/shy of the idea of going to meetings than me, which is hard to fathom. We went to a SMART meeting together once, and got drunk afterwards: I think it may have been because it was in a very affluent suburb of Washington, DC, and it was hard to see so much wealth...

Hopefully we can find ways to help each other through this. I need to brainstorm a bit. We’ve been together 18 years now, and I hope to see 18 more.

HP

HuskyPup

Alright, where is everyone? I've seen morgues that are livelier! This secular recover business sure can be lonely. Weird, how the steps programs are so crazily busy, but other areas are like ghost-towns. I will never quite get why AA has such a stranglehold on the recovery world: maybe that's why I don't like it: It's the dominant paradigm, and I am prone to dislike dominant paradigms, particularly ones with God and God as a He and such. Just seems weird to me. And yet their seem such scant ‘alternatives’ as groups go, just not very much activity seems to go on outside of them.

On day 3 and doing alright, very busy day at work, have been a bit crabby here and there, but OK.

Hope all are well,

HP

DonneIslanding

I started reading this thread today and am glad to hear that you're enjoying your third day of sobriety. I'm quite secular myself so I understand your aversion to the AA overtones.

I also noticed that you said you live in Baltimore; I know from personal experience that it can be very tough to live by yourself in a city.

The one thing I've really struggled with is developing a support system in my new area. I don't know if I can read the whole thread, but have you found any ways to improve your support system? Sober friends, sober group activities, etc.?

I believe you mentioned that you work at a library. Do you have any free book clubs that you can join?

Just some initial thoughts. Keep coming back.

gneiss

Hey DonneIslanding. Welcome to SC! Haven't seen you on the boards and it looks like you're new here. Good to have you.

Well HP, it's been a long day. Roommate and I have been arguing all day. I know it's because of the recent alcohol use and both of us are sitting around wanting to drink and we're picking fights with each other as a result. It's pretty miserable. I'm upset and want to go in my room but if I go in there it'll get worse. He'll sit in here and either talk to me through the door or get on the phone and make sure I can hear him saying that I'm being a b*tch and I'm out of line and it's all my fault. There's nothing worse than trying to end the argument by leaving and having it follow you wherever you go.

Gawd I want a beer.

HuskyPup

Hey Donne, nice to see you here. No, I don't have much of a sober support network, in fact, in real life, none at all, more or less just me and my partner, both struggling with the same issue, drinking! Joining some clubs might be an idea, though. I work at a University Library, it's an hour commute each way, but I should try to find some local book clubs in Baltimore. Just hope they don't wanna meet in a bar! That city serves alcohol even in coffee shops and diners, not an easy place to be :P

Gneiss, I feel your pain. Last night, coming home, and seeing my partner in the state he was in was no picnic: I immediately thought of going out, even if only to get away for a bit. Luckily, he passed out right away, aside from the occasional moaning. Ug.

Maybe you can slip your roomie a potent sedative....kidding, of course. Can't be easy to have him sniping at you, like that. Do you have ear-plugs? Try to ride it out as best you can, with any luck he'll tire out, and maybe even go to bed.

Almost time to drive home.....talked to my partner, he is OK tonight, so that is a load off my mind.

Hope everyone pulls through,

HP

gneiss

Made it through another day! Regarding my earlier arguments with my roommate, I sat on the couch and tried to play it off until he finally got around to apologizing for what he did. And then I had to apologize, too. But of course I did nothing wrong! Haha... riiight.

Now I finally get to be in my room, alone, as I wanted to be so badly earlier. And I'm not up for it. Now I would prefer someone to keep me company but roommie has gone to bed and I can't seem to find anyone out there in text message land. I wish I could have a dog in my apartment. My dog has to live with my parents for now and I really miss her!! By the time I'm out of this place though I think she'll be my parents' dog and she'll have to stay with them. It makes me happy that she's always happy to see me though. Not just meeting me at the door, she's the only "person" at my parents' house that seems happy to see me lately. My grandparents have stopped returning my calls, too.

On a positive note, I have been feeling isolated, wanting a bit more of a social life lately. And out of the blue Saturday night a girl in my class (she's always been friendly but we've never especially hit it off) facebooked me, sent her phone number, and said a bunch of geology students and other friends were at her house and invited me over. Well I couldn't go but when I returned her message she said no problem, they do that just about every weekend and she'll call me next time. I'm glad. She's a good girl, I need friends like her.

I'm going to watch a movie. Somehow Road to Perdition seems fitting.

DonneIslanding

HuskyPup, good luck investigating the local clubs that appeal to you. That's a bear of a commute.

gneiss, wish I had a dog as well. Travel required by my current job prevents it, but at some point I'll get a pup. Hopefully that point is in the near future.

Zencat

to Secular Connections DonneIslanding I hope your doing well today and its always nice to see a new person in the secular zone.

Husky Pup~ Yes the secular check-in thread is not that active as you see. I don't know but I suspect that secular peeps are too few here at SR (could I be even more pointing out the starkly obvious...duh). That and I'm thinking some are used to doing recovery outside the main vane of faith based meeting types. So I guess like myself their used to doing recovery pretty much alone.

As for myself I'm a lop when it comes to offering support. I can do a better job...so I'll try harder to pick it up. I think one cause for my slow to go with the aid is my...well there's one cause...I lose track of my thoughts and stall. The other is my lengthy scrutiny of my grammar...and that can boggle me down to the point of fail and not post reply's. So for now on I just babble and mix in some support. That way I get to fill in some type and behave supportive.

As for my recovery I'm doing well on that front...have a month. I have had good success at stopping my drinking when I really get back into doing all of my addiction treatment.

Freepath

I suppose I’ve always had a lot going on, even when I was drinking. Right now, I have been trying to make some decisions and changes in my life that would make my life immeasurably better. Many of the problems that I have had in the past stem from what I see as bad judgment. I have been implementing a number of cost benefit analysis from the SMART program. You will notice that the cost benefit analysis and the change plan worksheet (I haven’t forgotten you, Alera…) are very useful in many areas of life, not just addiction.

SMART Recovery® - Tool Chest and Homework

So, I wonder about how many people might be either watching occasionally and not posting much or just too busy to post. Let’s face it, in the absence of doing the 12 step or going to church, many people I believe just find themselves focused on their own behavior and their own lives. That can keep a person busy.

Or, maybe I’m just making excuses for not posting more…

Six months. Still not powerless. Still no higher power.

It is good to come in here and talk with everyone.

Live Free

californiapoppy

I know there were times when I sure wished there were a lot more posts in secular ! For the moment I'm really busy and I barely have the time to read all the posts here. But I'm still with you, and trudging along.(sober)
Hello to DonneIslanding. and everyone else of course !

DonneIslanding

Thanks for the invites, Zencat and californiapoppy. It's been interesting to read through these forums and some of the threads, knowing there are other secular folks out there struggling both with addiction and the spiritual/powerlessness concepts.

gneiss

Did my presentation for class last night. And I hate doing them, I'm always so nervous. It was 10 times worse with this one because I was presenting 4 papers on the same subject and two of them were coauthored by my professor. He's the head of the department and crazy arrogant. When I finished my presentation he walked to the front of the room and started scribbling on my Power Point with the SmartBoard markers (it's a huge touch screen/projector screen mounted on the wall, and has "pens" so you can use it as an electronic white board. I love the SmartBoard... when it works). So my presentation went on for about 20 extra minutes and all I had to do was sit behind the desk and let Dr. Ego talk about his own work (he did this with 2 other presentations last night... geez. He's basically just assigning his own research for us to read and comment on). Once I finally sat down, breathing a sigh of relief that it was over, he started in again: "Not to jump on your presentation, but you used the word dolostone. We don't use it, it's dolomite never dolostone." So basically this term is a bit antiquated, but about half the papers I used as sources use it, which is why I used it. I didn't really care but I thought it was a bit out of line that he called me on something that wasn't terribly important in front of the ENTIRE class. The saving grace is that everyone thinks he's an ass anyway so it reflected back on him mostly.

It stressed me out and I got home and... dammit. The fridge was fully stalked. An 18-pack and a 24-pack and roommate and his friend were about 4 beers into their evening. Meh. I went to my room and watched movies on my laptop. They sounded like they had fun though, I was kinda jealous.

Good news though. It's been 4 months since I quit dope. A new record for me! I hadn't really thought of it in a while, walked into my bathroom yesterday and *BAM* I had this little "flashback" to smoking dope with my boyfriend (we always smoked in the bathroom so the vent fan would carry the smell out of the apartment). I kinda had the taste of dope in my mouth this morning, but it's happening less and less. I just realized this morning it was 4 months. Feeling great. Glad to be away from that crap.

So what am I on now.. day 5 or 6 without beer. Getting better. Starting to get the kinks worked out again. HP, hope you're doing well with it, too.

Keep up the good work, y'all.

jamdls

Hello peoples-I'm still sober and not working any program too. Since last I posted I've been to a beach resort for a seminar on mental disorders was quite interesting but I got very very lonely there. I went with a group of recovered alkies but most everyone brought there spouse or SO and ALL of them to my knowledge are active in AA; so I was on my own when not in the meeting or at meals and this WAS a beach resort and my room was right next to the pool and there was lots of partying going on-everywhere I looked people were drinking - it didn't make me want to drink I just felt like I didn't belong there so I got depressed, took a day off work when I got back because I was just sad. Then this week started out with me ANGRY at the world for no known reason, then for a day I was ok, then yesterday I stayed home from work sick and don't feel a lot better today and Saturday I'm heading up to DC to visit my dad for 4 days. I seem to do a LOT better with life when I just stick to my normal boring (to others) every day life; once I get back from DC I'm not going anywhere besides work and home for a very long time!

californiapoppy

I agree with you Judy, I'm happiest at home with my various activities, and though I like occasional visitors, I'm also happiest alone at home.

mistycshore

Good news and bad news. I have a beautiful grandson and was able to be present at his birth on Monday, which was wonderful. But I've been missing a lot of class and get so exhausted between work and school that sometimes I get vertigo. Today I took an exam that I knew I wasn't ready for and earned the first "F" of my college career. So, I'm going to drop at least one class and slow down some. Especially since the baby arrived, I'm seeing how silly it is to be so driven by deadlines.

And - still sober and I can't even tell how long it's been. A long time for me anyway!

Hugs,

gneiss

Pretty rockin' Saturday night here. Laundry at mom's house, then shared a dinner of take-out fast food with my dog.

Here's what happened when I walked into the house with the take-out bag:


If you look carefully you can probably figure out which hand I was carrying the take-out in.

mistycshore

Gneiss, you post cracked me up so much that my husband wanted to see it. Thanks for a needed giggle.

We tried to do the Pet Smart thing again today. Our one dog has plush toy fetish and swoons when she gets a new one. We gave her a new toy squirrel to hold while we walked through the store so that she wouldn't bark at the other dogs. She figured out how to bark with her mouth full.

gneiss

Thanks for the giggle misty! That's hilarious.I have to be careful when I take my dog to the store, she can't handle crowds very well.

I love how my dog begs because she always sits. I started making her sit and wait for permission to approach her dinner bowl because a couple weeks after I got her my mom tried to feed her. She knocked my down, mom's head hit and broke the kitchen window, and it gave my mom a minor concussion. Try explaining that to the ER staff without laughing!

tyler

My dog loves the plush toys too, but he tears them up and guts them immediately!! It's a constant struggle to find toys that last him more than a few hours. On the positive side, he only tears up his toys, he leaves all of the human stuff alone. I figure, they're his toys, if tearing them up is his idea of fun, so be it!! I do ration them out though!!