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Fantabulous Secular Connections Check-in Part VI

Old 10-13-2009, 11:56 AM
  # 361 (permalink)  
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I went to the grocery store on SAturday to pick up some pumpkins and gourds for decorating purposes well I walk in the store and they are serving MARGARITA SHOTS! They don't sell alchol at the store but I guess they were promoting this margarita mix--it made me so angry! When I was drinking they didn't even sell beer and wine at this location (dry area up until i quit drinking???) but now they do and when I go past the wine I hold my breath and close my eyes because it makes me nauseated otherwise. But Saturday really p*ssed me off! so what do I do? I turn to the right to the bakery and bought a bunch of chocolate desserts. I do not think they should sell any alchohol in the grocery store! Texas has or had a lot of dry areas and up until 2 yrs ago (when I quit drinking of course...) I had rarely been in a grocery store that sold alchol. I always disliked grocery shopping now I hate it.
It's been cold/drizzly/gray for a week now and that describes my mood as well --I feel like the weather. I need sunshine!
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Old 10-13-2009, 03:33 PM
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Booze is gonna be everywhere you look in the U.S.
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Old 10-13-2009, 04:01 PM
  # 363 (permalink)  
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Sorry, jamdls. It is everywhere...and oh, the conversations I hear at work. I still get offers from others to go out and get smashed. I always tell them I can't.


Now that I've been sober for quite a while my mother has busted out her bottles. She's not a big drinker, but she does like to have a little every now and again.

I found one in a cupboard a couple of nights ago...and I didn't get mad.

She bought a huge bottle of vodka today to make her liquors (for the holidays) and it's sitting out on the counter right now.

I figured the other night that it doesn't matter what's in the house...I can still avoid it...and if it begins to bother me I'll ask her to put it out of my sight...and she will.

I have my junk food to keep me happy. I need to diet soon.

Hang in there, hon. Beer and wine is sold at every grocery store/mini-mart/pharmacy where I live. Oftentimes shoppers have to pass by those areas to get to other sections in the stores. Just keep walking by.
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Old 10-13-2009, 04:19 PM
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what struck me here tyler is letting go of our own past...good and bad...

Although i have had to do that with relationships, in the last 20 years it has been for me with my jobs....but I don't think it is so different....We can't move on if we are hanging on to who we were yesterday and I VERY firmly believe I have used alchohol and drugs to hang on to memories that needed to be let go of.....It's why sobriety often hurts at the begining....having to actually accept that things have moved on....in the end it is worth it, but it takes time to get there...

anyhow thats my current take for what its worth

Originally Posted by tyler View Post
Depression is definately an issue for me. I've been hospitalized for it a couple of times and attempted suicide once. I've been medicated for it for years, with limited success, though I have always thought that was mostly due to my drinking and drugging along with the meds.

While I think that may be somewhat of a factor here, I think a bigger one is acceptence. Even though I've been divorced for almost 5 years, I have never really accepted it. I asked for the divorce after my suicide attempt. We had been seperated for about a year at that time, due mostly to my drug use. I was on a freefall that I really wasn't sure I would pull out of, and I really didn't until fairly recently. I thought I was doing the right thing for my wife and son, as I didn't want to drag them down along with me. I guess I always held the belief in my mind that if I could ever get my $hit together, we would somehow be able to pick up where we left off and be a family again. This belief has been supported by the fact that my ex has not really "moved on" with anyone else, in fact she has only been on a couple of dates, and nothing remotelly serious. In spite of all of that, I think I really need to accept the fact that I am divorced. That is a fact. I might not like it, I might wish I had done things differently, but it is the way it is and I have to accept it as so.

Easier said than done, of course.

I also, somehow, need to find out what makes me happy. The current answer is, nothing really. But there has to be something out there for me. I mean I have things I enjoy, but nothing that really brings me "joy". It makes it hard to see much purpose in life. I still have a large "hole" in my life that my ex occupied. Over time I slowly replaced her with drugs and booze, and eventually lost her because of that. Now I don't even have the drugs and booze, I'm left with nothing there. I don't know how to fill that space again.

I'm seeing my theripist in a couple of days, these are things I should probably hash out with her. It sometimes helps to put it down in front of me though. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Take care.
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Old 10-13-2009, 05:10 PM
  # 365 (permalink)  
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Hi all, have been reading here, yet too mixed up inside to post. Greetings from a nervous wreck who can't think straight. Going off the prescription for TMJ/Anxiety has been rough, I feel variously nauseous, racing heart, sweaty, can't sleep more than a few hours at a time. My car is old and acting weird, looks like the engine/transmission is about to go phooey…burning oil, does not look good. When that goes, no way to get to work, as the trains do not run that late between here and Baltimore. When I drive back and forth on the highway, I am so scared...an hour each way, and I am at times in a cold sweat, so many odd noises, rattling, my heater fan does not work, or my radio, no way to even drown them out.

And that damn tooth. Ouch. I feel overwhelmed, don't know where to start. And so many old medical bills from trying to get stuff fixed in the past, from my bf breaking his arm without insurance…and just not even half enough coming in to make a dent. I would like to ‘leave the past behind’, but it follows me: I try to wake up, think how to make progress, yet seem to just fall behind, can’t think straight, am overwhelmed.

Right now I need a Dr., a Dentist, a shrink, a mechanic and a lawyer......who in their right mind would want to summon so many chiselers all at once? They could easily clean out a person who made six figures!

Have not drank in 4 days, and before that, another 4 days....so better in that department.

Feeling a bit crazy today, plain and simple.....like I could explode. Am exploding. Have exploded?

Well, hoping you all are alright and not so crazy,

H. Pup
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Old 10-13-2009, 07:18 PM
  # 366 (permalink)  
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Not much happening with me or at least anything that would happen to come into awareness. I'm not sure that I have the capacity to block out the bad stuff or if I can just let it go and focus on now. I think its a combination of the two. Whatever it is its working today...LOL.

Had a HUD appointment today. Normally things like this would have me rattled and my anxiety symptoms would register off the charts. But not today...so I'm pleased with that .

Still sober & clean at 1 1/2 months...so far so good. And its finally raining today. Damm So. Cal dry weather gets to be a drag after so long. Hoping there will be plenty of dreary rainy days this winter so it can look like there is some kind of seasonal change around these parts.
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Old 10-13-2009, 08:18 PM
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I just heard on the news today that Halloween surpasses all other American holidays in terms of alcohol sales.

:wtf2
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Old 10-13-2009, 10:19 PM
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ah Zen, please come slog up san marcos pass or san roque through the mud with me tomorrow before you wish for too much rain!
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Old 10-14-2009, 03:12 AM
  # 369 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet View Post
ah Zen, please come slog up san marcos pass or san roque through the mud with me tomorrow before you wish for too much rain!
154 is a dangerous drive, never mind this weather. Please drive safely. As for San Roque, I used to live there and know exactly what you mean! Its crazy with all this rain. In fact, we put off a visit to mom who is in San Roque today because we didn't think it was safe to drive in the downpour.
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Old 10-14-2009, 05:22 PM
  # 370 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet View Post
ah Zen, please come slog up san marcos pass or san roque through the mud with me tomorrow before you wish for too much rain!
Cool...I'll put on my rain gear and join you.

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Old 10-14-2009, 05:36 PM
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Originally Posted by zencat View Post
cool...i'll put on my rain gear and join you.

lololol
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Old 10-14-2009, 07:15 PM
  # 372 (permalink)  
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Hi all. Been off for a couple days, but now I have homework to do so naturally... here I am! Haha.

I'm being good. My roommate decided we need to go on a health kick. Like... totally wish he'd done that a year ago instead of going on a meth/coke/booze kick, right? Haha. Anyway, we went for a run this evening in cold drizzle. I guess the running loosened up all the products of smoking drugs from a few days ago because I've been coughing up vileness ever since. But I feel better than I have in a long time, since I quit walking when it just got too miserably hot last summer. We ran just over a mile and though I question his motivational techniques (telling me I run slower than his ex-gf was not cool. She really hurt my feelings a few times and much as I've tried I can't get over it. I really can't stand her) it was nice to get out and do something good for myself for once.

Exercise is about the only thing I have found that keeps me straight. So... tomorrow I add another tenth of a mile, I think.

Bam, hope you're feeling better! And hope everyone else is getting along well.
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Old 10-15-2009, 04:06 AM
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Old 10-15-2009, 12:22 PM
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I seem to hate the world and everyone in it lately. Driving back to work from lunch the thought even occurred to me "why not drink". I wont drink even the smell makes me nauseated. But I'm just so filled with anger; I can't sleep more than a couple of hours a night and I know that contributes to the anger. I just want to run people off the road and push them out out of my way and I've been cursing like crazy and that's something I never did except when drinking. I'm on the verge of tears half the time. I want a man in my life but they irritate the heck out of me if I even knew where to find one. I need to find something to do with my stupid life.
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Old 10-16-2009, 08:19 AM
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Okay here. It's unseasonably cool and I'm not looking forward to the heating bills, which tend to be breath-taking in such an old house.

Tyler, this probably sounds biased but it's what I've witnessed in life. When a long-term relationship breaks up, women tend to take some time getting over it. Then they are free to find and be happy in another relationship. For men it seems like they need to find the new relationship first and *that* is what helps get them over the heartbreak. I doubt that's very helpful to you, but I thought I'd throw it out there. Maybe if you could move forward, it would inspire your ex to move forward too.

Judy, I hope you find a way to sleep. Just the difference between getting four hours of sleep over two is amazing. And getting a normal 7 to 8 hours changes the whole world for me.

Bam, I hope you've recovered from "mud butt" (love that term).

I'm good. Working hard. Over the last 48 hours, I've gotten five hours of sleep. I'm functioning better (in that I can be so sleep deprived without getting dizzy and being unable to think), but it does have a numbing effect. I'm going to miss class again today because I'm so tired that I don't care that I'm missing class again.

I found what's going to save me in my seminar in lit class (which I affectionately termed "hell in postmodernism" class). Last night I discovered Darwinian literary theory, which may not only save my sorry butt but has, I think, the potential to pull literary studies out of its current state of collapse. My instructor gave me the okay to base my class presentation and final paper on it.

And I got to see Xavier (my grandson) last night.

And I've been sober for close to two months, I think. I can't exactly remember and counting doesn't seem important anyway. A "sober date" just gave me something to rebel against and fail at achieving. Who needs that?

Hugs,
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Old 10-16-2009, 03:58 PM
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I've been doing good. I checked out my first couple of AA meetings to see what they were like (and also for in-person support as I relapsed and got smashed last Tuesday after my first attempt, 9 days or so; on my 10th day sober now). As I suspected, the Judeo-Christian concept of God was envoked quite predominantly (so to say, "And HE will remove all of my character defects!"), but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be given my location.

Trying to figure out if there is some sort of Higher Power that I can reconcile with my secular nature in order to continue attending said meetings. Perhaps Evolution? The scientific process? Simply the fact that I am alive and free to experience this awe-inspiring universe, if ever so briefly?

Whatever it may be, Stay Strong and Sober, Friends.
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Old 10-16-2009, 06:03 PM
  # 377 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mistycshore View Post
Tyler, this probably sounds biased but it's what I've witnessed in life. When a long-term relationship breaks up, women tend to take some time getting over it. Then they are free to find and be happy in another relationship. For men it seems like they need to find the new relationship first and *that* is what helps get them over the heartbreak. I doubt that's very helpful to you, but I thought I'd throw it out there. Maybe if you could move forward, it would inspire your ex to move forward too,
Thanks for your input. We've actually been apart for about 6 1/2 years, divorced for almost 5 years, so I'm not really sure how much more "time" either of us need. I guess that is part of what I need to know from her.

Truth is I'm not even sure if it is a good idea for us to even try to get back together. It is what my heart wants, but this may be one of those times that is would be best not to follow my heart. There are more things other than my drug use that split us appart, though that is certainly the most obvious one. My drug use pushed her away, which made her more withdrawn into her work, which caused resentment in me and more drug use, which drove her futher away, and so on and so one. A vicious circle indeed.

She currently spends all of her time working or with my son. I don't know if she has, or is willing, to make the time in her life for a relationship with me or anyone for that matter. We have a lot of issues and baggage to work through, that would certainly require a time comittment. As I develop more self esteem, I realize that I deserve a person who is willing to comitt time and effort to the relationship. As much as I want to be with her, I'm not sure she is willing to change her routine enough to provide that.

I discussed all of this with my theripist and she suggested that I discuss it with her, try to see where she is at on all of this. I don't want to come across as "drawing a line in the sand" or something, but I need to know if this is something that she is willing to prusue or make an effort toward. I'm not really sure how to do this delicately, so there aren't any hurt feelings, it may not be possible at all, I really dont' know.

Gonna kick it around with the theripist some more next week and possibly have a discussion with my ex over Haloween weekend, when I visit next. Thanks again for your imput, it all helps in the end. Take care.
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Old 10-17-2009, 01:37 AM
  # 378 (permalink)  
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@ misty
...this probably sounds biased but it's what I've witnessed in life. When a long-term relationship breaks up, women tend to take some time getting over it. Then they are free to find and be happy in another relationship. For men it seems like they need to find the new relationship first and *that* is what helps get them over the heartbreak.

I think there is some truth to that, but...

I think BOTH men and women engage in this form of behavior - finding new relationships to expedite the pain and loss of the previous one. IMO, some people just don't allow themselves the time to grieve adequately.
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Old 10-17-2009, 09:58 AM
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I think most menses go out and get laid.
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Old 10-17-2009, 06:46 PM
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Originally Posted by windysan View Post
I think most menses go out and get laid.
Personally I haven't done that. In fact I've been more "faithful" after we've been divorced than when we were together. While we were together I visited prostitutes 3 times, as our marraige was falling apart. Since the seperation and divorce, not so much as a date, let alone a one nighter. Too little too late. I always seem to get things F'd up and backwards!! Sigh.....
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