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Fantabulous Secular Connections Check-in Part VI

Old 10-03-2009, 10:30 PM
  # 321 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tyler View Post
My dog loves the plush toys too, but he tears them up and guts them immediately!! It's a constant struggle to find toys that last him more than a few hours. On the positive side, he only tears up his toys, he leaves all of the human stuff alone. I figure, they're his toys, if tearing them up is his idea of fun, so be it!! I do ration them out though!!


Mine is pretty gentle on toys... except tennis balls. She might bring it back to you if you throw it but guaranteed by the end of the day it will be in pieces all over the living room. There's a close-out store in town and they occasionally have boxes of 20 tennis balls, all slightly flat, for $3.00. I stock up.
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Old 10-04-2009, 06:43 PM
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I saw my grandbaby today. His existence overwhelms me. It's all the old cliches: He's amazingly beautiful, etc. I wasn't expecting such a strong reaction (was half thinking that I don't want the responsibility of being a grandma - I wasn't that great at being a ma). When my son or daughter-in-law referred to me as grandma, it didn't seem like they were talking about me. It's hard for me to think of myself that way. It's hard to explain, so I'll stop.
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Old 10-05-2009, 03:41 AM
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Quick drop-in before I go to sleep. My cable was really messed up so I have been without internet in my house for the month. I've now been online non-stop now for 48 hours so I think its safe to say I'm here again. I'm going to check in more tomorrow, but wanted everyone to know I'm okay.
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Old 10-05-2009, 06:19 PM
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I really need to read this thread more often...I'm not keeping up.

Hope everyone is well or at least hanging in there.

I'm hanging in there...not such a great week. Meds probably need tweaked again or completely changed. When the meds are working I have the illusion that I'm in control of my emotions. When the meds aren't working everything is out of control...but my distorted thinking makes complete sense even though I’m vaguely aware that I’m being ridiculous. It’s really hard to explain…but there’s a big difference.

It always starts out the same. I get advanced warning that the depression is taking over. I lose interest in things over a period of several weeks…I become increasingly apathetic. Before long the hopeless thoughts take control….and everything is bleak.

Despite this I'm still sober. Unbelievable. I know it’s not as bad right now as it’s going to get…but at least I’m preparing myself (as best as I can) for the impending sh!t storm.

I won't lie...I've been tempted to give up many, many times recently. I have no idea why I haven't taken a drink. And although I cheated on my quit date for smoking (I had one cig!)...I haven't had a cigarette in nearly four days since. I actually didn't want to quit, but I have a cold. When I'm not smoking for several days in a row the urge to do it quickly fades. After this cold is gone, I probably won't want to start up.

Gah…I need to clean my room…it looks like my mind. I have some ideas for some art…I need to find the motivation to get it down on paper…and on the computer.

Keep up the good fight, folks.
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Old 10-05-2009, 06:40 PM
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Bamboozle, hope you're feeling better soon.

Me, I've been gone a while. I am not well, physically, emotionally, financially or otherwise. So it’s been a chore to post, to push myself to communicate. I have been going into hiding, out of so much fear and panic, mainly over my tooth going bad, about debt, keeping the car going to get to work, all these inter-related things that keep falling apart faster than I can fix them. A vacation would help. But no time/money, all this pressure. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, have not for so long. No money has helped in not drinking, but still drank via a friend……I still wish I knew some people to hang out with when I got home from work, it gets so monotonous, and I feel very much alone even though I have a partner, it’s like I need more personal contact that just him, it is hard to explain, but my night schedule has me feeling very isolated, the world seems to revolve around the basic 9 to 5 schedule, or some such variation, I feel forgotten in the dark.


Ug, am so sad today.

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Old 10-06-2009, 04:05 PM
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Slow in these parts. I keep noting there's plenty of people viewing the threads, but few who post. Maybe the steppers and fire and brimstoners like to see what's going on, but as they can't really say anything here, they just read to see how the 'other half' lives, or something. Hard to say.

Have gone several days and no drinks. Tooth is killing me, still. Job interview at a library in the mountains on Thursday, nervous about that. Would be hard to make the sudden move after just having moved 3 months ago, but maybe.
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Old 10-06-2009, 04:26 PM
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Checking in. Day 385.

Biggest challenge I face at this point is earning back the trust I lost among family and friends over the years. Man, it takes a long time.

Many still doubt my sobriety and are quick to point fingers are make accusations if I get irritated by something. 'You must be drinking again'.

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Old 10-06-2009, 05:00 PM
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I read and don't post, I am too freakin tired to contribute anything meaningful.
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Old 10-06-2009, 05:47 PM
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I thought that was quite meaningful.

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Old 10-06-2009, 05:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Overman View Post
Checking in. Day 385.

Biggest challenge I face at this point is earning back the trust I lost among family and friends over the years. Man, it takes a long time.

Many still doubt my sobriety and are quick to point fingers are make accusations if I get irritated by something. 'You must be drinking again'.

Good job Overman! Congrats on 385. I have the same problem. My old druggie friends, the ones I see anyway, don't really believe I'd quit (they haven't, after all. And I sure have had moments where I didn't think I'd be able to quit permanently. Still have them). And the ones who didn't do drugs but know I did suspect me at every turn. And, to be fair, they have good reason to do so. But suspecting I'm doing drugs and holding it against me that I did are different. It's dismissive, by saying those things they prove to me they will never let whatever relationship I have with them progress past that. And I've gotten pretty good at issuing ultimatums when this happens. I'm doing what I can, if it's not good enough just move on down the road, leave me alone because I don't need the negativity. It feels good to get rid of all the negativity in my life, not just the drugs but the people who won't let me live my life now.
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Old 10-06-2009, 07:11 PM
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gneiss,
I totally agree.

I've just been practicing 'radical acceptance'. I can't change their minds or perceptions...all I can do is be consistent and stay sober.

At this point it's actions, not words, that count.

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Old 10-06-2009, 07:49 PM
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This is odd, but there don't seem to be many people/friends holding me back or to apologize to, I suppose I am something of a loner. My relatives are all a great distance away; I have various acquaintances, but years of working nights and having odd days off has separated me from most of my friends from when I had a more open schedule. Now, I have mainly 'acquaintances'. One thing I seek are friends, it fuels wanting to go out when I get home: a place where people are around to talk to, and at that time, the only social place is the Tavern, or some such variation.

Anyone else have a job, and they get home at midnight or later? How did this affect you, over time, if so? Have been very much struggling with many issues related to this. I even thought, maybe I would try a meeting of whatever sort when the urge was strongest….though no meetings so late. I imagine the whole meeting thing would work well by filling in the times you used to drink, or at least I see that as part of how it would work. Pondering.

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Old 10-06-2009, 08:31 PM
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In my town they have morning meetings, 7, 8 and 10.

Maybe if you got to one of those and socialized and such before work, coming home and unwinding with a book would work? ionno

Most (maybe all) of my family and friends still drink and/or smoke weed. I guess it good I dont have to worry about the trust stuff, except i think they don't trust me sober because I might get preachy=)
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Old 10-06-2009, 09:59 PM
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Husky,
I found that when I worked the evening shifts (4p-12a), I was much more isolated and prone to drinking or going to bars after work. I mean, what much else is there to do after midnight?

You may want to consider changing shifts (if possible), that could help (?)
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Old 10-07-2009, 12:52 AM
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I work 11 p-7a and have classes in the middle of the day (11-2 today). I see my husband for a few minutes when I'm getting ready for work and a few minutes when I get home in the morning and he's getting ready for work. Between errands and household stuff, I don't have time for much else in life. No friends really and family of origin is distant (in more ways than one). I'm committing to visit my son and his wife every Sunday, but I am lonely. Always been kind of loner though.

I think working nights is kind of depressing, especially as it gets colder and the days get shorter. Sometimes it feels spooky to me. One thing you said in an earlier post - that you felt forgotten in the dark - really resonated with me. I keep telling myself that it's just for now; it's not forever. I try to bring to mind how scary it was not to have a job or even a prospect for a job, and that helps. I know a couple people who are out of work and others who are terrified of losing their jobs, and they'd be happy to trade places with me. As far from ideal as it is, this crappy job is is getting me through the moment.

Thinking of you, Husky.
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Old 10-07-2009, 09:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Overman View Post
gneiss,
I totally agree.

I've just been practicing 'radical acceptance'. I can't change their minds or perceptions...all I can do is be consistent and stay sober.

At this point it's actions, not words, that count.

I completely agree with that. It's the ones who ignore my actions that annoy me. It's basically passive-aggressive; instead of saying what's one their mind, like "hey, you're being rude. It might just be you're having a bad day but you need to chill out," they say, "you must be using again."

The funny thing (I actually get a laugh out of this, I find it hilarious) is when I did dope I'd get crazy polite, just oozing friendliness, p&q's. So if they think I'm actually high, they've clearly never seen me high and it just proves to me that they don't know what they're talking about, and reinforces the idea that they have something they're mad about and don't want to tell me what it is.
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Old 10-09-2009, 03:25 PM
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Cheer up peoples! Sobriety is a gift! Treat it that way, be proud of yourself for fighting the "demon" even if you only fight off the b*astard for a few days or weeks still be proud of yourself and hopefully you'll be stronger for the next battle.

I don't post here much or anywhere on SR too often cause it's often too dang depressing, same reason I didn't like going to Aa meetings.

Smile! Laugh! Live life it's the only 1 you'll get.

Hope ya'll get feeling better and have a wonderful weekend.
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Old 10-09-2009, 06:16 PM
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I cried on the way home from a mid-term exam. No school until wednesday and I have tonight and tomorrow night off from work. It feels like I'm free - I get to sleep for as long as I want. I can catch up on stuff that needs to be done at home (like clean the vents so we can turn on the furnace). I feeling like I have permission to come for air.

Hugs to all,
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Old 10-09-2009, 07:18 PM
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Hope you did well, Misty. Enjoy your time off.

I agree with Gypsy Feet. We are lucky that we have A LOT of meetings. They are back to back all day and half through the night. My favorite was the 6:45 a.m and I am so not a morning person. I would stay up a couple hours just to go there before heading to bed (I'm a night owl ever since I had a job where I worked nights several years ago).
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Old 10-09-2009, 09:13 PM
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My grandfather was admitted to hospice care. Doctor said 3 to 6 months is optimistic, it's unlikely he'll make it to Christmas. So I guess now we're waiting for grandpa to die. Kinda sucks, he was always kinda mean when I was growing up. In the last couple years he finally chilled out and I actually started to get along with him. Still though, it's hard to have a solid relationship with someone who lives 1100 miles away.

I'm home alone, supposedly studying but it's so not happening. I'm tired today. I slept for almost 12 hours, didn't get up until noon, and feel like I could go back to sleep right now. I guess I just wore myself out. Partied a little bit a couple days ago. Shouldn't have. It wears me out, I'm too old to stay up all night and the drugs don't even make me feel good. Yesterday when the post-party depression was the worst I was trying to remember why I ever liked drugs. I used to do them so I didn't think about the negativity, now it's all negative all the time when I do them, the self-loathing is the worst. I don't even want them any more. It's ridiculous, I do them anyway. Just stop already, it sounds so easy. I was in bad shape yesterday, had blood in my nostrils which means my blood pressure was so high from the drugs it gave me a nosebleed. And that means the headache was probably due to some bleeding in my brain. That's it, it has to stop. Time to grow up, man up, and quit being a loser. That's all there is to it.

Hope everyone's doing alright.
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