So I've go about 5 month clean now. Yea for me!! The question is, "when do I get to start feeling better??"
I've got a decent new job, making good money, good benifits, good boss. I'm closer to my son, distance wise (about 2 hrs away, instead of 18 hrs). I have a nice place to live (even though it's my parents house, at age 41). Overall, things are better for me than they have been for the last few years at least, and a lot better than they are for many people these days.
The problem is, I still feel like crap about myself. I feel like my life has no real purpose. I get up, go to work, come home, watch a little TV, go to bed, and do it again the next day. I still have no one else in my life, and havent' even the slightest idea of how to find anyone. The fact is, I still pine for my ex, even though I really don't know if that is even a posibility, or for that matter if it is even a good idea. I talk to my son on the phone, but really don't have anything to say, because I really don't know him. He's almost 9 now, and I haven't been a daily part of his life since he was 2. I don't know how to make this any better.
I still beat myself up a bit for the past, though not nearly as much as I used to, the bigger part is beating myself up for the present. Part of it is probably chemical. I changed meds pretty significantly about 2 months ago, and maybe they just aren't working well. I have an appointment with my theripist next week and might make one with my doctor as well. I try to look at things as rationally as possible, but even when I do that they come up looking pertty ******. I'm alive, yeh!! I just feel like I really don't care. If this is as good as it gets, what's the point?? Sorry to be such a downer.
I figured it was better to post here than to send a whiny email to my ex, all woe as me. I've put enough crap on her plate over the years, she really doesn't need anymore. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Probably not, but I guess I can hope. I'm going to go buy a bag of Snickers bars, maybe that will help.