shockozulu

I have a bad habit of awfulizing. It was the worst during my early recovery. This is because I have lost my safety value and my "coping" mechanism. I found I had to relearn my thinking process, and the tools under Encyclopedia of Rational Coping Statements and Disputations helped a lot in this department.

gneiss

Thanks, everyone!

Husky, hang in there! It's always overwhelming for a few days (at least it was/is for me). I'm a really positive person when it comes to other people but I drag myself down a lot. I'm very negative about me. I cause my own problems, I'm not good/smart/pretty/skinny/girly/strong enough, my life is a mess and it's all my fault. I guess that's my way of awfulizing, as Alera put it. And I know that's probably not true but at the same time the voice echoes loudly in my head. Try to take it easy.

Haha... It is indeed much easier without a hangover. I took an entire semester of geochemistry high on crank and coke and drunk... God alone knows how I managed to pass. Much like China, if I ever get it together I will be a force to be reckoned with. I guess the world is safe from my brilliance for the time being though

That's one thing that has always bothered me about my drug and alcohol use though. I'm a reasonably intelligent person. And I'm told addiction is a disease and can happen no matter how intelligent you are but I just wonder... if I'm of reasonable intelligence how in the world did I let it get so bad? Why didn't I see earlier that it was a problem? Hell, why did I think it was a good idea in the first place? I knew I was drinking too much but I ignored it. I knew before I started that I shouldn't ever touch meth but I did it anyway. Same with every other drug I did. I was smart enough to know I shouldn't and dumb enough to do it anyway.

gneiss

I finally got this uploaded so I have to share!

This little chunk of rock has about 6 ammonoids in it, all smaller than dime-sized (the most obvious one being the dark dot in the middle of the rock). I found some awesome fossils today but this is for real research so I don't get to keep most of what I find. However, this was laying on the slope below 2 possible sources so it's not useful for research purposes. Truth is it really is fairly obvious which source it came from but it has to be in place or it's not useful. So I get to add it to my collection. I've never found an ammonoid in good shape before, I'm really happy I found this one.

shockozulu

You aren't kidding, that is in awesome shape. I went on quite a few day field trips in my geology lab and there was one area with many ammonoids in a cliff, but I don't think I saw one in such good shape before.

shockozulu

LOL. It took the first year before I didn't have to copy it off my CD.

My old favorite was KUCI's stream of Closed Caskets for the Living Impaired, a weekly goth radio show based from the University of Irvine (which is why I couldn't get it on the dial). Due to RCIAA restrictions, they can no longer podcast without paying again so they had to end the streaming. There is no way a local University station could pony up the bills for a show twice. It had some great local artists and I still miss them.

HuskyPup

Hey Gneiss, yeah, it does seem a bit overwhelming at first. I think the tapering off the meds is making it harder too, yet it has to be done. Has me all scared inside, just in this general way. Always a weird feeling, tapering off something like Klonopin, even if only 1 mg a day.

Alera...Grew up in the middle of nowhere, I used to place ads in the back of Maximimrockandroll, and trade tapes/write a ton of letters in the 80s, nothing much on the radio up there. But I miss those days, writing actual letters.

On day 6 not drinking. Have been having these lower back pains, I think I strained it last week, prying a window open. Ouch. But then I have also freaked out, thinking, OMG, my kidneys are going out.....though I don't really have any symptoms of that. But I am a worry-wart as far as the body goes.

If I could have one wish, that would be to have my body feel like it did when I was 16, all supple and elastic, thin, relatively free from pain, a flower that is opening as opposed to one losing petals in the wind. I am 41, and it is hard getting older like this. It happens, but I can’t say I like it, really!


Adric

gneiss

I'm here, I'm tired, I'm going to bed. Bon soir!

californiapoppy

A desire to fit in with the wrong crowd, peer pressure, curiosity, a feeling that you were strong enough to not get addicted? could be thousands of reasons, but the thing is now it may not be a question of being intelligent at all. I don't think anyone here is particularly stupid, but we all have or had the same sort of problem. What we do now is never give up fighting the urge.
And that can be a lot of work.

californiapoppy

That takes a bit of work and a lot of being careful about what you eat and drink, but you can most likely do it, I'm 53 , physically I feel better than I felt at 30, but the mirror sure shows a 53 year old, at least she smiles....

mistycshore

Husky, my 16 year old body would be cool, but I sure wouldn't want that 16-year-old mind back.

Good here. I'm being introduced to radical relativism in my seminar in literature class. It makes me fear for the future of mankind.

Someday I'm going to have ask what the heck that class has to do with literature anyway.

I just worked a 50 hour week (on top of carrying 12 credits). It might sound strange, but it actually feels good to be so tired. Maybe I'm a masochist.

Hugs to all,

windysan

Dr. Rubberfunk's "Riding With The Ratman" is a great song.

That is all.

Carrion.

Bamboozle

...where I feel comfortable...accepted as I am.


Have I told you folks how much you all mean to me?

gneiss

I actually found a couple in better shape but I couldn't keep them. Darn research!! Haha. It's ok. I'll have more opportunities to collect. Besides, I know where the outcrop is so I can always return (If I ever have a spare weekend... and don't mind risking the trespassing charges. Meh. Never bothered me before).

Phal, I haven't heard from you in a while. How are you, buddy? I was starting to wonder about you a bit.


I don't think anyone here is dumb. We're all reasonably intelligent. I can understand my drinking a little bit, I guess. I just started drinking with friends and I guess by the time I realized it was a problem it was too late. But the drugs? WTF? I wanted to forget a few things, sure, but I knew I shouldn't ever touch the drugs. I did it anyway. Escapism, falling for the wrong guy maybe... lots of reasons.

Meanwhile, I've found a weird love of watching drunk people. I spent Saturday night watching some friends get drunk on Texas beer (which has twice the alcohol content of the beer we can get here in Oklahoma). And my roommate brought some back after going home this weekend. And I just sat there and wondered at it all. It's ridiculous. Now I know how dumb I acted when I was drunk. Geez. I was an idiot.

shockozulu

What's scary is I understand exactly what you said without thinking twice and I dropped the actual geology course. I only stayed in the lab because it was fun LOL.

Zencat

WTG! Keep up the forward momentum.

HuskyPup

Sorry to have been absent. I made it a week, then had a moderate sized slip, got home, bf was incoherently drunk, freaked out, went and then drank a half pint of cheap Vodka, which mainly made me restless. No hangover or anything, but made me want more, luckily it was already past 2 AM, and too late. Now again on day two. We're trying to work as a team on this, it is hard to come home and see that, it tends to overwhelm me, on top of all the other stuff going on.

But I am trying. Tired, though, of being so damn poor, and these worries about the future....things do not look good, big cutbacks at work, furloughs, all kinds of crap. Being sober helps a bit, but things are just sliding so far out of control.......wish I had the means to get therapy, or there was somewhere to turn for help putting all these broken pieces back together, somebody, some place that would help, as I feel increasingly weak.

windysan

Wait, isn't medical care free in your country?

HuskyPup

Surely, you jest! The United States is among the worst places for health care in the 'western' world! On the other hand, if you mistook me for a Canadian, I'm flattered:P

HP

Freepath

The following statistics are for 2008.
The U.S. has the highest gross domestic product of any nation in the world at 14 trillion dollars.
Japan has the second highest gross domestic product at 5 trillion.
In 2008, the U.S. spent 2.4 trillion dollars on healthcare, nearly half of the dollar amount of the Japanese gross domestic product.

And you think that “The United States is among the worst places for health care in the 'western' world”

That doesn’t sound quite accurate when you consider the numbers.

Just a thought. I hope that you can find the support that you need. There are actually online therapy forums, as well.

HuskyPup

Well, but we rank 24 in infant mortality according to the World Health Organization.....that means 23 nations are ahead of us. We may spend a lot, but that does not mean we get a lot, or that care is accessible to everyone who needs it. Obviously not, or we would not rank so low in this regard. It's largely tied to the ability to afford it, and though there are programs for the elderly and the very poor, there is a vast area of lower-middle-class and middle class people who struggle to get care because they don’t ‘qualify’ for help.

I really don't want to enter into a huge debate: it's simply that I can't afford what they have recommended as treatment for my TMJ, anxiety, and other issues: the co-pays would be well over 40% of my net monthly income.

I guess, after many years, I have come to find this frustrating.

HP