Originally Posted by
Alera 
Tyler, if this is how you feel daily it sounds like it might be depression. There are several different types. I suffer from two types myself (Seasonal and regular clinical).
Depression is definately an issue for me. I've been hospitalized for it a couple of times and attempted suicide once. I've been medicated for it for years, with limited success, though I have always thought that was mostly due to my drinking and drugging along with the meds.
While I think that may be somewhat of a factor here, I think a bigger one is acceptence. Even though I've been divorced for almost 5 years, I have never really accepted it. I asked for the divorce after my suicide attempt. We had been seperated for about a year at that time, due mostly to my drug use. I was on a freefall that I really wasn't sure I would pull out of, and I really didn't until fairly recently. I thought I was doing the right thing for my wife and son, as I didn't want to drag them down along with me. I guess I always held the belief in my mind that if I could ever get my $hit together, we would somehow be able to pick up where we left off and be a family again. This belief has been supported by the fact that my ex has not really "moved on" with anyone else, in fact she has only been on a couple of dates, and nothing remotelly serious. In spite of all of that, I think I really need to accept the fact that I am divorced. That is a fact. I might not like it, I might wish I had done things differently, but it is the way it is and I have to accept it as so.
Easier said than done, of course.
I also, somehow, need to find out what makes me happy. The current answer is, nothing really. But there has to be something out there for me. I mean I have things I enjoy, but nothing that really brings me "joy". It makes it hard to see much purpose in life. I still have a large "hole" in my life that my ex occupied. Over time I slowly replaced her with drugs and booze, and eventually lost her because of that. Now I don't even have the drugs and booze, I'm left with nothing there. I don't know how to fill that space again.
I'm seeing my theripist in a couple of days, these are things I should probably hash out with her. It sometimes helps to put it down in front of me though. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Take care.