November 2009 Group
perpetual optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
Morning everyone.
SB, whatever works for you.........if it's planning ahead for every Tuesday and that works? Go for it. Only you can decide how you think.
I try not to think about it at all........I have fleeting thoughts....mine are usually far out as far as a time line goes.....I am ok here and now......but my thoughts go to for instance, next Sunday's set of football games when my significant other will be back from hunting......
Eureka, maybe make some avoidance plans like SB? Ones that will steer you clear of the "bad house."
Hope everyone else is still out there..........and doing well. Have a great day.
SB, whatever works for you.........if it's planning ahead for every Tuesday and that works? Go for it. Only you can decide how you think.
I try not to think about it at all........I have fleeting thoughts....mine are usually far out as far as a time line goes.....I am ok here and now......but my thoughts go to for instance, next Sunday's set of football games when my significant other will be back from hunting......
Eureka, maybe make some avoidance plans like SB? Ones that will steer you clear of the "bad house."
Hope everyone else is still out there..........and doing well. Have a great day.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Welcome to all the new people...
Like VC and ANew, I'm a member of August too... did it *fix me*? No. I'm back here... Did it *help*? Can't tell you how much.
Actually I started in July. And since then I have a higher rate of sobriety than I ever have in my life. Am I the role model? No, nor do I claim to be. Did it help? Can't stress it enough...
I might be not worth much as far as sobriety goes, but understand, in my life, any day that I pull off without drinking is better than it "was"... I have not achieved perfection... but I have achieved more than I ever dreamed was possible. A year ago, I did not believe I could spend most of any given month sober. So I'm improving--it just looks bad 'cause I keep relapsing. But it is a better existence in 2009 than it was in 2010...
I might be a minority opinion here, and I know nobody aspires to be "better" than they were. Me, too, I joined thinking, "my goodness--sober forever, what a great idea." I want that, I'm just not there yet... I'll let y'all know. But, for some of us, it takes these bits and pieces to establish the foundation. There is a very recent example in that August group, where someone finally "got it"--in November. Sometimes, that's what it takes. Don't lose hope, Novemberites... although I know sober is our goal, sometimes it takes proof we can understand. And to those who "get it" right off... congratulations. I'll be there for both groups...
Sorry for rambling. I just thought it should be said.
TB
Like VC and ANew, I'm a member of August too... did it *fix me*? No. I'm back here... Did it *help*? Can't tell you how much.
Actually I started in July. And since then I have a higher rate of sobriety than I ever have in my life. Am I the role model? No, nor do I claim to be. Did it help? Can't stress it enough...
I might be not worth much as far as sobriety goes, but understand, in my life, any day that I pull off without drinking is better than it "was"... I have not achieved perfection... but I have achieved more than I ever dreamed was possible. A year ago, I did not believe I could spend most of any given month sober. So I'm improving--it just looks bad 'cause I keep relapsing. But it is a better existence in 2009 than it was in 2010...
I might be a minority opinion here, and I know nobody aspires to be "better" than they were. Me, too, I joined thinking, "my goodness--sober forever, what a great idea." I want that, I'm just not there yet... I'll let y'all know. But, for some of us, it takes these bits and pieces to establish the foundation. There is a very recent example in that August group, where someone finally "got it"--in November. Sometimes, that's what it takes. Don't lose hope, Novemberites... although I know sober is our goal, sometimes it takes proof we can understand. And to those who "get it" right off... congratulations. I'll be there for both groups...
Sorry for rambling. I just thought it should be said.
TB
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by thirtybubba 
Sorry for rambling. I just thought it should be said.
TB
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Belgrade, Serbia
Posts: 218
Day 3 sober and my wife is still here! I guess that is all I can ask for.
She let me have it in an email again today… which is fine, I deserve it. I just keep telling her that I really do love her, more now than ever, more than I thought before. There is other history to our relationship that I could get into on a later date… right now I am settling in to the idea that I truly am a scumbag and that it’s time to fix myself… and to fight to save this family.
So, to answer Dee’s question (hello by the way)… “What’s my plan for the drinking?”
No do it. Seriously… it that simple right? Not really… but I think we would all like to think so. Right? Anyway, I know I am only on day three… but I think I had a pretty good day. Every morning at work I have a meeting with all the folks I work with… and my boss, realizing it was Friday the 13th decided to throw a Rakia Tasting happy hour at the end of the work day just for the hell of it. You see, I work in the Foreign Service… if any of you were wondering what the heck I’m doing in… and it’s a pretty heavy drinking culture… there really isn’t a whole lot else to do. And Rakia? It’s pretty much Serbian moonshine… and various officials we meet with give us bottles of Rakia as gifts all the time and they start to stack up around the office.
Anyway… I was stuck. Great, right? This is my total MO too… I’m responsible when it comes to work... but it’s when work ends that I start to lose myself. Normally I would pound a couple shots of rakia or a few beers… as many as I could fit before it was time to go home… then I would probably stop by the commissary on my way out the door and pick-up a couple bottles of wine… probably polish one or both of them off when I get home… some nights I might even walk down to the corner store and pick up a couple more things of beer when the wine was done… I’m sure you all know the drill.
Anyway, day three and now there’s going to be a happy hour in my office. But I stayed strong. I said “no” to the rakia (it was my day to drive in carpool anyway)… so my boss handed me a glass of wine. I accepted because there was going to be toasts. I toasted but drank the sparkling water that I already had from my other hand… and then set the wine on my desk and focused on the popcorn and nachos.
So far I feel good… I have a feeling I’m going to hit a brick wall at some point, but I will deal with that when it comes. As I mentioned before, my family is the motivating factor at this point… as long as they stay by my side and can simply not drink.
What’s up with everyone else? I have to agree with some of the others, the tone in the November boards is not very inviting. I’m not sure if Ken simply wants attention or what… but I would encourage and exchange of stories and ideas that will in the end foster exactly what Ken was probably looking for.
She let me have it in an email again today… which is fine, I deserve it. I just keep telling her that I really do love her, more now than ever, more than I thought before. There is other history to our relationship that I could get into on a later date… right now I am settling in to the idea that I truly am a scumbag and that it’s time to fix myself… and to fight to save this family.
So, to answer Dee’s question (hello by the way)… “What’s my plan for the drinking?”
No do it. Seriously… it that simple right? Not really… but I think we would all like to think so. Right? Anyway, I know I am only on day three… but I think I had a pretty good day. Every morning at work I have a meeting with all the folks I work with… and my boss, realizing it was Friday the 13th decided to throw a Rakia Tasting happy hour at the end of the work day just for the hell of it. You see, I work in the Foreign Service… if any of you were wondering what the heck I’m doing in… and it’s a pretty heavy drinking culture… there really isn’t a whole lot else to do. And Rakia? It’s pretty much Serbian moonshine… and various officials we meet with give us bottles of Rakia as gifts all the time and they start to stack up around the office.
Anyway… I was stuck. Great, right? This is my total MO too… I’m responsible when it comes to work... but it’s when work ends that I start to lose myself. Normally I would pound a couple shots of rakia or a few beers… as many as I could fit before it was time to go home… then I would probably stop by the commissary on my way out the door and pick-up a couple bottles of wine… probably polish one or both of them off when I get home… some nights I might even walk down to the corner store and pick up a couple more things of beer when the wine was done… I’m sure you all know the drill.
Anyway, day three and now there’s going to be a happy hour in my office. But I stayed strong. I said “no” to the rakia (it was my day to drive in carpool anyway)… so my boss handed me a glass of wine. I accepted because there was going to be toasts. I toasted but drank the sparkling water that I already had from my other hand… and then set the wine on my desk and focused on the popcorn and nachos.
So far I feel good… I have a feeling I’m going to hit a brick wall at some point, but I will deal with that when it comes. As I mentioned before, my family is the motivating factor at this point… as long as they stay by my side and can simply not drink.
What’s up with everyone else? I have to agree with some of the others, the tone in the November boards is not very inviting. I’m not sure if Ken simply wants attention or what… but I would encourage and exchange of stories and ideas that will in the end foster exactly what Ken was probably looking for.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Edina, MN
Posts: 37
Hi everyone,
Thank you for the Aug. bus insight 30bubba. This is not a healed place but a healing place. And healing is messy business with bruises and scabs and nasty bandages to dispose of. ( I won't talk about the green ***** stuff :-))
Looking forward to seeing all of the SCARS around here in the future.
SB
Thank you for the Aug. bus insight 30bubba. This is not a healed place but a healing place. And healing is messy business with bruises and scabs and nasty bandages to dispose of. ( I won't talk about the green ***** stuff :-))
Looking forward to seeing all of the SCARS around here in the future.
SB
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
Originally Posted by Tytan
So, to answer Dee’s question (hello by the way)… “What’s my plan for the drinking?”
No do it. Seriously… it that simple right? Not really… but I think we would all like to think so. Right? Anyway, I know I am only on day three… but I think I had a pretty good day.
I said “no” to the rakia (it was my day to drive in carpool anyway)… so my boss handed me a glass of wine. I accepted because there was going to be toasts. I toasted but drank the sparkling water that I already had from my other hand… and then set the wine on my desk and focused on the popcorn and nachos.
So far I feel good… I have a feeling I’m going to hit a brick wall at some point, but I will deal with that when it comes. As I mentioned before, my family is the motivating factor at this point… as long as they stay by my side and can simply not drink.
Do think about support though - SR is great, but face to face support can be incredibly useful for many too - I don't know whats available in the Balkans tho LOL
What’s up with everyone else? I have to agree with some of the others, the tone in the November boards is not very inviting. I’m not sure if Ken simply wants attention or what… but I would encourage and exchange of stories and ideas that will in the end foster exactly what Ken was probably looking for.
Carry on, guys!
D
perpetual optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
Tytan,
You sound good. And nice move with the sparkling water toast!! Don't worry about hitting a brick wall......just do what you are doing. We can't take away yesterday and we can't predict tomorrow.......cherish today........cherish your family. The rest will fall into place.
You sound good. And nice move with the sparkling water toast!! Don't worry about hitting a brick wall......just do what you are doing. We can't take away yesterday and we can't predict tomorrow.......cherish today........cherish your family. The rest will fall into place.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Edina, MN
Posts: 37
Hi everyone,
The avoidance plan worked, no drinking, lonliness is cutting through to my core. This is aweful. Surrounded by people yet not a friend in sight. I am not feeling sorry for myself, just noticing a change. This layer of unknown 'friends' is normal in my life. True friends so absent tonight. Fundraisers can be like that.
Good night spoon, good night mush, good night old lady whispering hush,
SB
I love reading 'good night moon' to my kids.
The avoidance plan worked, no drinking, lonliness is cutting through to my core. This is aweful. Surrounded by people yet not a friend in sight. I am not feeling sorry for myself, just noticing a change. This layer of unknown 'friends' is normal in my life. True friends so absent tonight. Fundraisers can be like that.
Good night spoon, good night mush, good night old lady whispering hush,
SB
I love reading 'good night moon' to my kids.
perpetual optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
Good morning November peeps. Here we are at another weekend. Time to put our game faces on, ha? I know my challenge will be the dude coming home after 9 days away.......I have been 9 days sober! I just knew the timing was good.........no pressure.........I know they have been drinking it up at hunting camp but I am curious to see what happens here. I have a sense he will follow my lead. I will keep you posted on that one.........
Glad you were distracted SB, I think there are a slew of feelings that are gonna pop up..........things that were probably always there but we are clear enough now to pick up on, ya know?
Asta, ya with me on 9 buddy?
Hope to hear from some more November-ites today!
Glad you were distracted SB, I think there are a slew of feelings that are gonna pop up..........things that were probably always there but we are clear enough now to pick up on, ya know?
Asta, ya with me on 9 buddy?
Hope to hear from some more November-ites today!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Belgrade, Serbia
Posts: 218
Day 4 without a drink and all is well… family is still here. The wife and I watched How I Met Your Mother and Top Chef after getting our son to bed last night. We actually sat on the couch together and shared a bowl of chips and salsa. It was nice… but a little awkward… yet didn’t feel forced. Does that make sense? And we’re not sleeping in separate beds… although it will probably be a long long time before we hold hands again. But, for right now that bowl of salsa is bliss. She being really amazing though, I have to say that I am probably one of the luckiest guys in the world. She’s smart, beautiful, funny, and a wonderful mom… sure, she still thinks I am untrustworthy and a scumbag, but the fact that she’s still her tells me that she loves me… at least some part of her still. At least she’s not putting on a show for my son… after all… we’re sharing Salsa.
The three of us ventured out today to go shopping. It was nice. I had a cup of tea rather than my normal midafternoon weekend beer. I think I’ve forgotten how nice a cup of tea is. After we got home I took my son to a birthday party… was offered a beer about ten times by the parents and various other adult party goers. (As I said, it’s a drinking culture). I simply told me “I wasn’t feeling it today”… and for a couple people I didn’t want to talk to I said, “I think it’s the H1N1.” That excuse works like a charm.
Anyway… one thing I noticed: the annoying conversations with drunken people. Am I really that annoying when I am drinking? Erg… who knows… I just know this… I felt like a wall flower in the party… even it being a kid’s party. I didn’t really feel loose… but it was okay… I just focused on my kid… watched him interacting with everyone else from afar. The kid makes me laugh and its excellent entertainment.
I noticed one of other thing too. When I told people “I’m not feeling it today”… that’s how I feel about 50% of the time… but my Heroes Flaw seems to be the inability to turn down a drink. If someone offers me a beer I say “but of course”… and have 7. I think I was finally honest today, “I’m not feeling it”.
Dee: AA in the Balkans… I am sure it exists… in some form… but it’s a drinking/smoking/meat eating culture over here… they probably have interventions for people who don’t drink enough. Lol! At least for right now… I think I am doing okay… I look forward to my SR updates… and obviously I like to write… I hope people don’t mind my transcendental diatribes. I probably have the added benefit of an overwhelming motivating factor (not to say I won’t lose ground at some point)… I have a reason to quit now. I quit smoking when my wife gave me the “I am carrying your child and you can’t quit smoking” lecture. It’s almost poetic that I am taking on drinking in the face of my second kid.
I just hope I am able to hold my family together through this. I just isn’t worth taking anything for granted anymore. Anyway, we have one more birthday party tonight… but an adult birthday party. No worries though… this party is for one of the Mormon families at post. Lol! I never thought I would look so forward to hanging with the dry faction of our community!
VC – Thanks for the kind words!
Snowbunnie – “Good night noises everywhere”…
The three of us ventured out today to go shopping. It was nice. I had a cup of tea rather than my normal midafternoon weekend beer. I think I’ve forgotten how nice a cup of tea is. After we got home I took my son to a birthday party… was offered a beer about ten times by the parents and various other adult party goers. (As I said, it’s a drinking culture). I simply told me “I wasn’t feeling it today”… and for a couple people I didn’t want to talk to I said, “I think it’s the H1N1.” That excuse works like a charm.
Anyway… one thing I noticed: the annoying conversations with drunken people. Am I really that annoying when I am drinking? Erg… who knows… I just know this… I felt like a wall flower in the party… even it being a kid’s party. I didn’t really feel loose… but it was okay… I just focused on my kid… watched him interacting with everyone else from afar. The kid makes me laugh and its excellent entertainment.
I noticed one of other thing too. When I told people “I’m not feeling it today”… that’s how I feel about 50% of the time… but my Heroes Flaw seems to be the inability to turn down a drink. If someone offers me a beer I say “but of course”… and have 7. I think I was finally honest today, “I’m not feeling it”.
Dee: AA in the Balkans… I am sure it exists… in some form… but it’s a drinking/smoking/meat eating culture over here… they probably have interventions for people who don’t drink enough. Lol! At least for right now… I think I am doing okay… I look forward to my SR updates… and obviously I like to write… I hope people don’t mind my transcendental diatribes. I probably have the added benefit of an overwhelming motivating factor (not to say I won’t lose ground at some point)… I have a reason to quit now. I quit smoking when my wife gave me the “I am carrying your child and you can’t quit smoking” lecture. It’s almost poetic that I am taking on drinking in the face of my second kid.
I just hope I am able to hold my family together through this. I just isn’t worth taking anything for granted anymore. Anyway, we have one more birthday party tonight… but an adult birthday party. No worries though… this party is for one of the Mormon families at post. Lol! I never thought I would look so forward to hanging with the dry faction of our community!
VC – Thanks for the kind words!
Snowbunnie – “Good night noises everywhere”…
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Foreign Service, or any other... Tytan, many of us live in alcohol based cultures... or subcultures or what have you.
I live in a college dorm.
To say the liquor flows is to say the air moves around some... The centerpiece of my own kitchen table is a gallon jug of Gallo wine... it's not empty (yet).
You can do this... and I don't mean that in a simplistic kind of way... you will find things, specific to your situation, which will improve due your not drinking. Those are the things you need to remember.
I live in a college dorm.
To say the liquor flows is to say the air moves around some... The centerpiece of my own kitchen table is a gallon jug of Gallo wine... it's not empty (yet).
You can do this... and I don't mean that in a simplistic kind of way... you will find things, specific to your situation, which will improve due your not drinking. Those are the things you need to remember.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 8
Still going!
Hello All!
So far November 2009 is becoming a special month. Thanks for all the support and comments.
I was tempted yesterday. my drinking friends are wondering where am I and whats up with me. This weekend is a "party" weekend since friends from home are visiting the city where im currently living. Fortunately I am not hosting. I had to play dumb and did not answer my phone last night. Probably not the best approach but it worked...I did not drink; although i really wanted to go out.
Tonight is another difficult day...Im not sure I can avoid everyone again. But I feel strong!
I could try taking a date out, that way they wont pressure me to drink. Although...I am not used to dating without the booze that gave me an "edge" or so I believed.
Day 14 and grateful for these amazing days. Im going through some difficulties but Im in a better place than when everything was nice and easy...and I owe it to being sober!
as usual I am asking my Sober Recovery friends and november team:
Help me stay strong and in the good path! I am grateful for having all of you watching my back.
So far November 2009 is becoming a special month. Thanks for all the support and comments.
I was tempted yesterday. my drinking friends are wondering where am I and whats up with me. This weekend is a "party" weekend since friends from home are visiting the city where im currently living. Fortunately I am not hosting. I had to play dumb and did not answer my phone last night. Probably not the best approach but it worked...I did not drink; although i really wanted to go out.
Tonight is another difficult day...Im not sure I can avoid everyone again. But I feel strong!
I could try taking a date out, that way they wont pressure me to drink. Although...I am not used to dating without the booze that gave me an "edge" or so I believed.
Day 14 and grateful for these amazing days. Im going through some difficulties but Im in a better place than when everything was nice and easy...and I owe it to being sober!
as usual I am asking my Sober Recovery friends and november team:
Help me stay strong and in the good path! I am grateful for having all of you watching my back.
perpetual optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
We got your back, worker.......and congrats on day 14, that is so awesome. As far as not answering the phone? I have done that. No harm, no foul........you do what it takes to keep you on the path you are on. YOU know what's best. I think you were smart.
Just got home from the gym....between day 9 and the steam room, I am hoping I am clear of all the toxins from booze.......
Hope everyone else is doing ok!!
Just got home from the gym....between day 9 and the steam room, I am hoping I am clear of all the toxins from booze.......
Hope everyone else is doing ok!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,581
Tytan.."I think it's H1N1"..LOL! That'll keep people away! So glad to hear you're doing well...sounds like there's a lot of temptation where you are. I'm sure every day you say no to it, you'll be that much stronger for the next time. Good on ya for 4 days!!
Worker..
on 14 days! Awesome! It's harder these days to not answer the phones what will land lines, cell phones and caller ID, isn't it? Damn technology.
Snowbunnie...hope you're feeling less lonely today! Hang in there.
30..nice centerpiece..lol. Ever try candles?
I'm not in the best place, but I don't wanna cut outta here just yet, because I really like the fellowship here. I need to screw my head back on straight..but I will.
Worker..
on 14 days! Awesome! It's harder these days to not answer the phones what will land lines, cell phones and caller ID, isn't it? Damn technology. Snowbunnie...hope you're feeling less lonely today! Hang in there.
30..nice centerpiece..lol. Ever try candles?
I'm not in the best place, but I don't wanna cut outta here just yet, because I really like the fellowship here. I need to screw my head back on straight..but I will.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 85
Day 3. What should be day 3. I drank a bottle of malibu rum last night, but I had never considered myself addicted to alcohol. Surprisingly, and all thanks to my very best friend who supposedly had to physically restrain me, I did not do any drugs.
Yaay? Boo? I'm not sure how to view this... I don't want to call it a relapse given the fact that I never called myself an alcoholic. Can I still say day 3? Or should I start back at day 1? I don't want to start back at day 1.
Yaay? Boo? I'm not sure how to view this... I don't want to call it a relapse given the fact that I never called myself an alcoholic. Can I still say day 3? Or should I start back at day 1? I don't want to start back at day 1.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
To me honesty's important - you were aiming to be sober...and you weren't.
I would call it day one.
I can't see the point in keeping track otherwise.
In any case, what you call it, or whether you call yourself an alcoholic or not, is way less important than what you plan to do about your problem now, eureka.
D
I would call it day one.
I can't see the point in keeping track otherwise.
In any case, what you call it, or whether you call yourself an alcoholic or not, is way less important than what you plan to do about your problem now, eureka.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Belgrade, Serbia
Posts: 218
Day 5 and all is well… for the most part. Right after I crawled in bed last night my wife burst into tears and ran out of the room. I found her curled up crying in the guest room. She let me lay with her… and hold her as she cried. She just can’t get the images her mind created of me with another woman out of her head. It’s going to be a long road… but I am feeling strong… and guilty enough to stay strong.
Today the three of us ventured out to church for the first time in well over a year or two. It was a “nondenominational fellowship”, but we knew what that meant getting into the car and both agreed afterwards that it was a bit to evangelical for us… but we recognize that we need something if we’re going to try and make this work… so it will be a good enough fit for now. After all… at least it’s in English. Our only other options here are Anglican, Catholic, Mormon, and Serbian Orthodox… all of which in Serbia. Erg… We shall see.
I haven’t had any craving on the drinking front… but I feel like total ass today… physically, not just emotionally. Is there something to this? Is this part of the detox? Also, is it normal to be incredible hungry? I remember when I quit smoking I was hungry all the time, but this is different. Since I’m not drinking with meals I seem to be eating a lot more… and I am noticing it more at parties and get together’s… my normal MO has been to pound beers and munch on a couple snacks… now? Over the last couple days I’ve been hitting the food tables like a mad man! It’s actually been nice to eat some of the amazing food at these parties… but I’m feeling like a pig… but I’m not feeling too guilty about it either… I just think I’m going to need to start hitting the gym pretty soon.
Have a great Sunday everyone!
Congrat’s Worker!
Today the three of us ventured out to church for the first time in well over a year or two. It was a “nondenominational fellowship”, but we knew what that meant getting into the car and both agreed afterwards that it was a bit to evangelical for us… but we recognize that we need something if we’re going to try and make this work… so it will be a good enough fit for now. After all… at least it’s in English. Our only other options here are Anglican, Catholic, Mormon, and Serbian Orthodox… all of which in Serbia. Erg… We shall see.
I haven’t had any craving on the drinking front… but I feel like total ass today… physically, not just emotionally. Is there something to this? Is this part of the detox? Also, is it normal to be incredible hungry? I remember when I quit smoking I was hungry all the time, but this is different. Since I’m not drinking with meals I seem to be eating a lot more… and I am noticing it more at parties and get together’s… my normal MO has been to pound beers and munch on a couple snacks… now? Over the last couple days I’ve been hitting the food tables like a mad man! It’s actually been nice to eat some of the amazing food at these parties… but I’m feeling like a pig… but I’m not feeling too guilty about it either… I just think I’m going to need to start hitting the gym pretty soon.
Have a great Sunday everyone!
Congrat’s Worker!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Day 21. This has been a rough week, a lots of ups, downs thrills and chills, blind stops and uh oh's..as I work my recovery program. But lots of important "duh" moments, quiet revelations, and coming back to reality after tantrums, etc.
My eyes are crossed from reading literature, discussions, etc as I reach for and digest everything that looks like it might have something to offer me.
This morning I had a big relief when I saw that the connecction I was trying to make and looked hopeless actually went seamlessly together...and recovery marches on.
I haven't used, I've swallowed back panic, talked it out of it's tree, listened to the sober voice instead of the addicts voice and cut myself some slack when I started beating myself up about stupid stuff.
nothing like putting tools into action.
it's funny how I can read a book or whatever, six times, sure I know it front wards and backwards then pick it up and say "I have NEVER seen that chapter before"
I feel pummeled, numb, sore, confused, and like I don't even remember my name...but I haven't used. No matter what's happened, I haven't used. That has got to mean something...and when I've thought of it, I tell myself, "that isn't going to help anything" and I haven't even been arguing with myself about it...like for a change I actually believe that it's not going to help, and that living in the present means a wee bit more than this 20 second window....when for 20 seconds using might make me feel better, before it all goes downhill.
I try to stretch my thoughts forward...to the time in several weeks when I will be recovered from surgery, and out hunting a job, and figuring out what to do about my shakey marriage...but I can't. I just can't now. So I let it go. All I can do is heal physically, and work my recovery and trust that when my soul and body have has some time to heal...I will have the thrust to take those issues on, the way I am taking this issue on now.
21 days
My eyes are crossed from reading literature, discussions, etc as I reach for and digest everything that looks like it might have something to offer me.
This morning I had a big relief when I saw that the connecction I was trying to make and looked hopeless actually went seamlessly together...and recovery marches on.
I haven't used, I've swallowed back panic, talked it out of it's tree, listened to the sober voice instead of the addicts voice and cut myself some slack when I started beating myself up about stupid stuff.
nothing like putting tools into action.
it's funny how I can read a book or whatever, six times, sure I know it front wards and backwards then pick it up and say "I have NEVER seen that chapter before"
I feel pummeled, numb, sore, confused, and like I don't even remember my name...but I haven't used. No matter what's happened, I haven't used. That has got to mean something...and when I've thought of it, I tell myself, "that isn't going to help anything" and I haven't even been arguing with myself about it...like for a change I actually believe that it's not going to help, and that living in the present means a wee bit more than this 20 second window....when for 20 seconds using might make me feel better, before it all goes downhill.
I try to stretch my thoughts forward...to the time in several weeks when I will be recovered from surgery, and out hunting a job, and figuring out what to do about my shakey marriage...but I can't. I just can't now. So I let it go. All I can do is heal physically, and work my recovery and trust that when my soul and body have has some time to heal...I will have the thrust to take those issues on, the way I am taking this issue on now.
21 days
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