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Old 11-16-2009, 11:00 AM
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Day 6 and family still together.

I’m feeling good… except hungry… we’ll see how long that lasts.

Yesterday ended up being a really good day… all things considered. My wife made plans for a family outing for next weekend. And she has an old friend in town too and wanted to know if I was cool with going out to dinner with him sometime this week. This is a good thing right? Long term planning? Especially since you’re not sure if the person is planning to leave you or not. Anyway, I’m feeling good about it.

The real kicker was when I went to bed last night though. My wife had laid out my work clothes for the next day. As cheese as it sounds, this has been a loving ritual of hers off and on through our relationship. Seeing the clothes hanging there in the dark made me well up a bit. She is simply remarkable. But, I am not taking her for granted at all.

Via email today she expressed some things to me. How hard this is for her. That she doesn’t know what to do. She’s torn. She likes the “me” that she sees coming out from not drinking. She’s not worried about being snapped at or put down… she’s seeing the guy she wants to be with again and wants to support that… but can bring herself to do it. “Why did it have to go this far? For you to cheat on me before you realized there was a problem?”

She’s so right. Why? Because now the trust is gone. She told me she’s been thinking about installing key stroke recording programs and spying on my email and facebook accounts to make sure I wasn’t talking to that girl anymore… but at the same time she knows that she can’t live like that… but she can’t trust me either.

All I know is that I have seen the light. Did I really have to get this deep into the crap to figure out I had a problem? Maybe… Was cheating on my wife the best thing I could have done for the future of me and my family? I don’t know. Things happen for a reason. And things haven’t been right with me and my wife for well over a year. The two of us have been vying for control of the marriage. Last November my wife told me that she didn’t love me anymore. The next morning my wife said we should give it 6 more months… but neither of us did anything to try and fix things. Then my wife thought having another baby would fix things… that of course didn’t work)… and shortly after conception she told me she still didn’t love me and left for two months. Two months later we found out that my next assignment was going to be in a war zone… at which time my wife came back… so my son could be with me. We never address the feelings we had for each other… I didn’t think I loved her anymore. Then… I strayed. And the morning after doing such a horrible things I realized something. That I did love my wife and my family and needed to work towards fixing it… but I didn’t know how. It took my wife figuring it all out… to learn of my infidelity and for the shame to become real and tangible for me to figure it out.

I see the whole thing so clearly now. I acted out from not only a drunken place… but from an uncertain and fearful place. I didn’t know who I was or where my marriage was going. Now? I know where I need to be. I know what I need to fight for. I know who I love.

And most importantly… I know who love me. My wife is still here. I may have done the most scumbag thing know to man… but damnit… she’s still here. I know there is a place inside her that loved me this whole time. And it’s that place in her heart that I will never betray again.

I hate that its came to betraying my wife to make me wake up and see my drinking problem. But, would I have ever faced it if it hadn’t lead me into such a dark place?

I don’t know. We will never know.

Threshold: Awesome job!

VC: You theory makes a whole lot of sense. I’m just embracing it for now, because honestly… who wants to go to the gym? A have a couple friends who are runner and when they get back form jog I always ask “was a bear chasing you? No? Huh… I just don’t get it.” About three weeks ago I was on my way to meet one of those friends and had called ahead for him to order me a beer. I purposefully entered the restaurant out of breath, “Buddy I owe you an apology. A loose bear isn’t the only thing that would get me running… the knowledge of a cold beer waiting for me on a lonely table can get the blood pumping just as much.” Oddly… that joke doesn’t seem as funny anymore. Beer day?

Welcome to Joe and Rob and Nov and all the other newbie’s to the November board! I look forward to getting to know you all.
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Old 11-16-2009, 11:19 AM
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Day two. Congratulations to me. Ginger and mirage? How are we doing guys?

Tytan, I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this, but I'm glad that your wife is willing to give you a second chance. It sounds like she has a heart of gold and you are incredibly lucky to have her. Keep us updated on that situation.

Love you guys and can't wait to hear how your sober day is going!
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Old 11-16-2009, 12:18 PM
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Hi, nice to see some new peeps join the group.....welcome. Not gonna post too much today or do much commenting........not feeling so hot........think the boyfriend brought the crud home.........ugh.

Congrats to those who are conquering today sober!! Stay strong......will write more when I am feeling better.......

Hugs.
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Old 11-16-2009, 12:37 PM
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Originally Posted by ViciousCycle View Post
I am almost planning a beer day next Sunday........long story......haven't decided for sure..........
VC! NO! You said we would get past day 17 together, remember? Next Sunday is only day 17. C'mon. You can do it. And if you make it past next Sunday, may making it past the Sunday after that won't be too hard. Is the BF being back too much of a challenge to not drink? Is one beer drinking Sunday really worth it? Why not drink iced tea or coffee? Me, I have been drinking a lot more coffee than I used to. I make my own "latte" version with instant espresso, some cream and usually some canned whipped cream on top, stirred in. After dinner I limit myself to decaf, but I use the same other ingredients. Sometimes I throw in some flavored coffee-mate. In fact, whenever a craving starts sneaking up on me, I go for the coffee. I've also tried the Starbucks stuff in the can that you can buy at the grocery. Even the stuff they say serve chilled, I heat up cuz it's cold right now in OR. Keep me posted. :ghug3
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Old 11-16-2009, 01:11 PM
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Tytan..good job on day 6..you have some serious incentive right now and that's awesome.

Feel better VC!

Doin fine, eureka...glad to hear you are, too!

nov15...saturday was saturday...try not to beat yourself up. We've all been there! I don't need anything on the calendar to tempt me. I prefer to drink alone, actually.

Hope you're havin a good day, ginger!
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Old 11-16-2009, 01:13 PM
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VC! NO! You said we would get past day 17 together, remember?
Ok, Asta. I did promise. I will not be tempted........

Thanks Mirage, I hope it doesn't go full blown here, I never get sick!!
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Old 11-16-2009, 01:25 PM
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Yay!! So glad to here you will stick with me at least for the next week. Try the coffee thing. I think the caffeine probably helps keep the energy level up so you do more which keeps you occupied which means you are less preoccupied with drinking. Alera has had the flu for a while & I PM'd my homemade chicken noodle soup recipe. Would you like to try it? It makes a whole bunch & uses a whole chicken. Might be good for what ails you.
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Old 11-16-2009, 01:40 PM
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Hey Asta........working on a big pot of chicken and rice soup I made, but thanks anyway!!
What day are we on 11?

Beer day explanation.........I have a friend who owns a restaurant/bar about 40 miles west of here. I have been bugging him to bring a certain kind of beer in so I can go watch some football and patronize his place..........well he got it in........I feel obligated to go drink some..........after all, it is a gluten-free beer, it's not like he can just sell it to anyone........that's what I meant by beer day. Not a slip, but a pre-planned football day........I wasn't even going to say anything.....I don't want to bring anyone else down, ya know? But I did promise Asta and I will honor that.
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Old 11-16-2009, 01:57 PM
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I feel like if you get a beer day, then I should get a heroin day?

Just throwing that out there...
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Old 11-16-2009, 02:25 PM
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I know Eureka........I am just being honest about being tempted and the situation that lies before me is all. Maybe looking for some ideas on how to handle this particular situation?

No H-day for you! You are on to day 3 my friend!!!!!!!
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Old 11-16-2009, 02:51 PM
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VC...Immediately before getting clean three weeks ago I went on a trip through bourbon country. I purchased over $600 bucks worth of whiskey. The best in the world, literally. One bottle alone over 200 bucks.

And I aint drinkin a drop of it...ever.

Havin a hard time explaining THAT to my puzzled family who took care of things here so I could go on a trip of a lifetime. I spent my entire severence check on collecting fine liquor...and then went sober.

I don't owe my recovery to anyone, no one else's feelings or understanding is worth jeapordizing my recovery. NOTHING is worth jeopardizing my recovery.

So, I look pretty silly to basically everyone..all my family and friends know...yup.

I look pretty silly wasted too,

and act like a total idiot

and I'd rather look silly doing something right for a change, something I won't ever be sorry for.

Beer Sunday?

Your friend will get over it a lot sooner than you will if you give in...I promise.
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Old 11-16-2009, 06:09 PM
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VC, Yes this is day 11. Thanks for hangin in there with me. It means a lot.
Eureka, I have always been puzzled by your sign off. "I will not use today. I will use tomorrow." Huh? What am I missing here?
Threshold: I really give you a lot of credit. We went on an Alaska cruise last May and during time in intl waters bought some very expensive duty free liquor. Within a week of being home, it was gone. Mostly by me. It was meant to be savored. What did I do? Probably more than half I don't even remember drinking. What a waste.
I am really starting to appreciate the sobriety. I am not obsessing, hardly ever. I do get cravings now & then but so far I haven't given in. As indicated earlier today, I try to have a cup of coffee instead. Maybe some chocolate too!! Nowadays there is always Dove milk and dark chocolate in the house. For emergencies, you know......
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Old 11-16-2009, 06:41 PM
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Asta - It is my procrastination technique. Whenever I have the urge to use I try to think of all the reasons why today is not really a very good day for it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I'm glad you are doing so well! It really kind of gives me hope. 11 days is sooo awesome.

VC - I'm glad you did tell us about this planned beer day and I hope you keep us informed whenever you decide to do that again! I feel like a planned relapse is a relapse nonetheless. Disagree?

Tomorrow is a new day... Let us be rock stars.
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Old 11-17-2009, 12:00 AM
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Back. Got a day of sober... most of one anyways. Feel like... don't got a word actually. I'm tired now, I'll read up tomorrow. Night y'all (November).
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Old 11-17-2009, 03:19 AM
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It's great to have you in our November class thirty...we love ya
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Old 11-17-2009, 07:49 AM
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Day ones are rough. I hope you are doing better thirty.
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Old 11-17-2009, 08:17 AM
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Welcome to November, TB. I know it sucks to have to start over, but I'm glad you are still here! Feel better soon.
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Old 11-17-2009, 09:12 AM
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Shoot, day 1 I have been to... a time or two.

It's a really busy day for me, and I am not looking forward to it... which might explain an hour and a half on SR.

Beer day? Technically you can gluten-free beer to anyone... I know a few celiacs who drink the gluten-having kind. I'm sure gluten-free beer is not harmful. O_o

Tytan, (hugs).

Man, I don't wanna move today.
TB, who really really really really really just wishes this was all over.
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Old 11-17-2009, 11:34 AM
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Day 7 and all everything feels pretty darn good. I won’t bore you guys with the play by play but things are good and I’ve decided to finish that spiritual journey I started years ago and it looks like my wife is interested in joining me. Yeah, we doesn’t really *****-foot around in our household.

Eureka: Welcome and congrats on day 2! Yes, I 100% agree… my wife has a heart of gold. I am seeing a side of her right now that I didn’t realize was there, which motivates me even more. I hope all is well in your neck of the woods.

Thirsty: Welcome Back! Thank for the hug… right back at you.

-----------------

Comments on VC’s “Beer Day”

Asta: I agree with Coffee thing. I am drinking tons of it… but then again I was drinking tons of it before I quit the booze. You know what I miss Dunkin Donuts Coffee. Mmmm… Dunkin… I think you’ve lost me now.

Eueka: Would the herion be in honor of watching football? Hmmm… football… this absurd logic could really catch on… VC… your thoughts?

Threshold: I’m with you… but I don’t think VC should feel guilty about stickin’ his friend with the gluten-free beer. I think VC helped his friend out. I wouldn’t be surprised is VC’s buddy discovers there is a bigger market for gluten-free beer than he things!

----------------------

Sorry about my huge mass response posting. The time zone kills me… I can only post once a day… so I’m making the most of it.
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Old 11-17-2009, 12:43 PM
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Best of luck on your spiritual journey! Mine is the only reason I am on day three.

The H could be in honor of football. Or Sundays in general. Or whatever.... You know how that goes.

But I won't have an H day. That would turn into an H month and then an H year. I like having a home and I like having friends, family, school, and blah blah blah.

Glad you are in such a good place today! I hope it only gets better from here!
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