Day 21. This has been a rough week, a lots of ups, downs thrills and chills, blind stops and uh oh's..as I work my recovery program. But lots of important "duh" moments, quiet revelations, and coming back to reality after tantrums, etc.
My eyes are crossed from reading literature, discussions, etc as I reach for and digest everything that looks like it might have something to offer me.
This morning I had a big relief when I saw that the connecction I was trying to make and looked hopeless actually went seamlessly together...and recovery marches on.
I haven't used, I've swallowed back panic, talked it out of it's tree, listened to the sober voice instead of the addicts voice and cut myself some slack when I started beating myself up about stupid stuff.
nothing like putting tools into action.
it's funny how I can read a book or whatever, six times, sure I know it front wards and backwards then pick it up and say "I have NEVER seen that chapter before"
I feel pummeled, numb, sore, confused, and like I don't even remember my name...but I haven't used. No matter what's happened, I haven't used. That has got to mean something...and when I've thought of it, I tell myself, "that isn't going to help anything" and I haven't even been arguing with myself about it...like for a change I actually believe that it's not going to help, and that living in the present means a wee bit more than this 20 second window....when for 20 seconds using might make me feel better, before it all goes downhill.
I try to stretch my thoughts forward...to the time in several weeks when I will be recovered from surgery, and out hunting a job, and figuring out what to do about my shakey marriage...but I can't. I just can't now. So I let it go. All I can do is heal physically, and work my recovery and trust that when my soul and body have has some time to heal...I will have the thrust to take those issues on, the way I am taking this issue on now.
21 days