Dee74

Wishing the best for you and your mom PS - hope your back gets better soon too NC

hi Numblady and Scotty

D

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class,

Thanks Dee! I made it to Bikram last night and my back feels so much better today. I sat out 2/3 of the poses that are a bit more strenuous on lower back, as I didn't want to risk aggravating it rather than helping it. Apart from that, I did surprisingly well considering I haven't been since December due to taking on the horse. I'm so happy to be back now, and look forward to incorporating weekly sessions into my routine from now on. I'm taking the day off work this Friday to go visit my grandmother, so I'm going to try out a Hot Yoga class at the studio that morning before I go, too.

Hopefully another productive work day today, lots to get through. Hubby surprised me with Daffodils last night (my favourite flower) and it made me so happy. Horse-riding lesson tonight after work, hoping my back holds out OK.

Hope everyone has a great day!

Numblady

Hi gang.

PS I’m so sorry to hear about how your afternoon with your mom unfolded. I am glad you could be there when it happened both literally and figuratively although I’m sure it is unspeakably draining. I hope she can be honest with her health care providers about underlying contributing issues. I’ll be thinking of you. I don’t know if this holds true for you but for me sometimes when I’m so drained it’s not like I exactly wish for drinking. Just wish there was something that worked like drinking used to.

NC good for you on the bikram!

Not much to say on my part. Work eating my soul.

PalmerSage

Hi all! Thanks for the support, guys. My mom has some appointments lined up, and I feel fairly confident that we will have a plan of attack soon. The day after the incident, I stayed home and basically shut off my brain, resting and eating crap and not responding to emails. If I was still drinking, I would have been consumed with guilt and would have forced myself into go-go-go mode, which would have resulted in a huge crash and burn facedown in alcohol. I consciously told myself that I needed to rest and take care of myself, that the world would not end, and sure enough, it didn't. I'm really trying to continue to change my response to stress, and thank God chocolate and chips are still in the world - not ideal, but no one said I had to be perfect.

I'm reading an interesting autobiography by Mackenzie Phillips, she was addicted to drugs starting at a very young age, and eventually got clean for 15 years only to relapse again, and I think she is clean now. Funny how she describes alcoholics and drug addicts as being separated in rehab, and her comments about alcoholics being lightweights and "softcore" compared to drug addicts. Also, drug addicts were still allowed to drink - what?

NewChapter, I hope you're feeling better, and way to go on the yoga! Numblady, I have big dreams for you and your soul-sucking job. This is going to be the year you find something amazing, fulfilling, lucrative, and most of all - manageable!
Scotty, good to hear from you, friend.

Hi to Dee and anyone else reading!

scottynz

Just a pop in.

Sorry to hear about your Mum Palmer, it is always such an anxious time waiting to learn the cause of health problems. I think NL hit the nail on the head about wishing something worked like alcohol did. I ended up using sugar that way and now I am 2 months almost sugar free, I do miss that (false) stress relief. I think it is the instant gratification of the hit from alcohol or sugar that feels like taking action against a problem. I am still working on figuring out better stress busting methods that are actually healthy and not relying on that pleasure response - baby steps.

Sorry to hear about your back NC and I hear you on the drinking thoughts. I think it is part of the second sober year journey - figuring out how to live sober and stay vigilent that the AV is often testing our resolve for a way in.

Sugar free living is going well, I am 9 kilos lighter (almost 20 pounds) and am starting to see it in my clothes. It does seem to work for me to have a dessert when out when I want one. The big difference now the cravings are gone is just I have so much more energy which I am putting down to probably a more stable blood sugar level. I am still not doing any exercise so I need to build that in, but one step at a time (or maybe aim for 10,000) a day!

xx

Numblady

Hi Palmer. I’m glad you were able to protect yourself yesterday and not sublimate and pretend and get into go-go-go mode.

Scotty, hearing about your energy levels makes me even more interested in the sugar free thing. I do feel tired a lot. Not sure how much of it is just stress and how much of it is lifestyle habits. I’m pretty good about the exercise but not so good about the eating and I wonder how much of a role that plays sometimes. I mean, not enough to do anything about it yet but all by way of saying I’m glad you’re sharing this as it’s a good point of reference.

Hope all are well!

PalmerSage

Hi all! Scotty, hearing you describe the "hit" of sugar as though it was taking action to solve a problem really resonated with me. I view sugar as my original DOC, going back to my childhood, and I really admire your ability to address it. It's amazing that you're able to have the occasional dessert without spiraling back down, that's incredible progress, and congratulations on the 20 pounds!

Numblady, you're my exercise idol so all we have to do is combine you with Scotty for the perfect woman! I'm not sure what I would bring to the table, unless the perfect woman needs some downtime to nap and browse Houzz?

I hope everyone has a good day today, I need to make some time to go see my mom and maybe cheer her up a little bit. See you later!

NewChapterJan18

Hi All,

Made sure to do plenty of stretching before riding last night and my back actually held up OK for the most part. Definitely stiff and a little twinge-y, but all in all I was able to manage. Jumping lesson tonight will be a bit more challenging and it's the class my horse tends to act up in, so hoping it goes smoothly and doesn't put my back under too much pressure / too many jerking or sudden twists/movements. I feel like a 90 year old!! It's so true what they say, you never appreciate your health/mobility until it's threatened!

NL: I hear you on wishing you had something to substitute for drinking that allows you to just 'numb out' or just kind of switch off. Although yoga and horseback riding etc. offers me some headspace to zone out from work, it's not quite the same as being able to completely just tune out altogether. If you discover something, please share!!

Palmer: So happy you had the self awareness and self regard to take it slow after the incident with your mom, and not autopilot into frenzy-productive mode. That is real progress and a true gift of sobriety. Your comments about the author's perspective on drug vs alcohol addicts are interesting. It sparked a thought in my mind about the discussions in early sobriety when people question if they are a 'real' alcoholic, because of the associations with destitution and utter chaos, instability etc. I always liked the refrain that if alcohol is causing you problems, you have an alcohol problem. There are so many variants on the sliding scale of addictions, and I always think it is not only irrelevant or not beneficial to compare, it is pretty much impossible to do so with accuracy. Every individual has their own journey, their own demons and their own experiences/interpretation of those experiences. The same way eye witness accounts vary so wildly for many reasons. I think the mindset of an addict who holds their suffering in higher regard than that of others has a long way to go on the road to recovery. Perhaps this might be one of the underlying reasons for her relapse. Just some random conjecture!

Scotty: Weigh to go (get it? haha OK maybe too much caffeine for me today!) on the sugar cull and weight loss. you're resolve is truly inspirational and I'm delighted to hear you're reaping all kinds of benefits.

Hi Dee, Sunflower!

Numblady

Palmer ha! You are cracking me up with the perfect woman stuff! Especially the napping and scrolling through Houzz part. I totally did that last night. I am reading the book club’s next book. Which is about Syria and I’m having a hard time reading it. It’s just so sad, and I don’t want to be.a head in the sand person, except that I really, really do want to put my head in the sand each time I read it. So I have to read in small pieces, then go do something to, as Scotty so wisely described it, trigger the pleasure response. Which for me last night was looking at Houzz. Which I then decided made me feel bad because what was I doing looking and lusting after material stuff when people are being killed and maimed in Syria. So then I was like I guess I’ll just go to sleep. Maybe I should check out another recovery memoir. Those tend to be manageable for me in their sadness though with my job I don’t really want to read about more parents abusing or neglecting kids. So knowing what I know of Phillips’ back story maybe that’s not the one for me either. Maybe I am too picky!

NC hope the back holds up and the horse behaves. Is it possible/advisable to skip if you are super apprehensive about it?

Sunflower, you hanging in there? Thanks for texting me this weekend when I was complaining about my husband’s bad attitude for our trip.

Hi to everyone else. I’m working from home today and dealing with long overdue medical appointments (for the cat and one of the kids). Yay! ? ?

NewChapterJan18

Numblady

Hello! Appointments went pretty well. I don’t know . I felt discombobulated all day because I was still having to juggle work but also kind of wanting a day off from the madness. Still managed to get down and back to the vet and get my kitty caught up on shots and get some flea meds. Then I took my daughter in for her check up. The doc authorized an x-ray for her complaints about her foot, which as her mother I am 95% sure are about basically a bruise and not anything more serious as her complaints seem to depend directly on whether she is being asked to do something she doesn’t want to. This led to a frustrating time because she wanted to go get her x-ray right then and there and I needed to get her back to school so I begrudgingly agreed to stop at one place to see how long it would take but it was going to take too long so we had to go back to school. Which she was super mad about and the whole thing (taking her back to school after picking her up for appointment, not being willing/able to stop for x-ray) made me feel like a terrible mom. Except that I was trying to be there for some of our staff who were being recognized at a ceremony downtown because the manager who was supposed to cover was dealing with a death in her family so I just wanted to show up for people. But my daughter was totally disappointed in me. So then I added even more time to go get her a special treat at the mini mart by her school. Ended up to the ceremony late but it was in time to see my people be named and get photos. Then made it back in time to get daughter early and take her for the dang x-ray (only to later get a litany of complaints about why the results aren’t back yet...did I mention she is intense?). I say all this because I sort of accomplished some stuff but also really didn’t, and kind of felt like I was failing at different things the entire day. And the work piled up. And I figured out half of us probably have lice again so got to deal with that. If you don’t have daughters or boys with longer hair you may never understand the perniciousness of these stupid bugs but let me tell you it is awful. And expensive and time consuming. You get rid of it for your kid but some other girl at the school has it and so the kids just basically keep trading it back and forth no matter how many times you’ve treated your own kid. Frustrating. At least I’ve found a service that will come to our house and i got an appointment for today so that is a positive.

I realize really none of this is about sobriety or anything but that’s where I am! Hope you’re all well out there.

Dee74

I hope the week ahead is a little less full on NL

D

NewChapterJan18

Numblady

Thanks Dee.

Hi to everybody else. Had a pretty decent day yesterday. Didn’t do anything enriching or active with the kids but we did get our lice treatment and none of us had it except my daughter, which is a very good thing because OMG was it expensive. Took care of buying gift cards and sending cards to a woman whose daughter is getting leukemia treatment for the fourth time. Puts some of my drama in perspective for sure. Or it should anyway. It felt good to get that accomplished. Had to send it UPS because that was the only thing nearby. Also very expensive! Then I walked to a HH that was in my neighborhood. All moms and almost all from the neighborhood which was pretty cool. We just talked about our kids pretty much the entire time tho. That and the possibility of traffic calming and any police activity in the neighborhood like a bunch of old ladies. The host was doing Whole 30 so not drinking and it seemed like not a focus for anyone (ha except maybe me since i was noticiing).

I talked a lot about how my son did not get into the middle school that was our sure thing. We qualify for a transfer according to the district’s criteria but we were all waitlisted, except for one kid in the friend group. I am trying to repeat the refrain that worrying is trying to control and I have to just go through the appeal process and not freak out. But inside I am freaking out. I feel like i failed somehow. I feel like if we don’t get in this school it’s very bad because we also will be tracked to a bad high school. I go in and out of panic. I haven’t told my son. He has also been rejected from one of the three middle schools we applied to. Haven’t told him that either. We expect a rejection from the second and possibly the third. Read a good article recently on the relentlessness of modern parenting and that’s a pretty good description.

Then I got on the scale this morning just for grins because I’ve been so hungry lately which is regularly a sign I’m losing weight. But that is definitely not the case. I felt a lot better about my weight before I measured it

Wow I wasn’t meaning to come on and get so upset about my son’s school — sorry.

Hope you’re all out there having great weekends!

Dee74

I hope the school thing works out NL - sounds like you've done all you can?

D

Numblady

Thanks Dee again!

Had to come on and post something kind of funny kind of sad. Sunflower especially I think you will appreciate this. Tonight my husband announces he’s giving up sweets for Lent. He turns to me and says “so I’m gonna need you to not buy sweets for that time. Or hide them.” OMG! I went through two pregnancies, several failed attempts at sobriety and now have gone over a year watching him drink everything under the sun and I’m not supposed to buy sweets for Lent to spare him the discomfort??! Wha? I was proud that I didn’t get mad (we had a friend of my daughter’s over; that probably helped). I just said yeah, I’m not gonna do that. Not to be tit for tat about it but I guess I do kind of want him to know how it feels to not have someone you love support you in doing something that is tough. Or maybe I will try to support him but be really honest about how it seems unfair but I do still want him to succeed. Idk. Crazy!!

PalmerSage

Hi all! Numblady, that is CRAZY, haha! I'm sure you will take the high road, but it would be pretty funny to pull something a little bit petty. It's like the "man cold" of addiction! No offense Dee, all in good fun!

NewChapter, how is your back?

I need to do something different. This move is throwing me for a loop, so I'm eating horribly, regaining weight, not exercising at all, and allowing stress to manage me. I have an out-of-control feeling that I absolutely hate, yet I do absolutely nothing about it? On one hand, I look back on the experience with the fire, and it took me a good 6 weeks to focus on myself and get back on track. On the other hand, this feels familiar as a slippery slope that I've experienced so many times in my life, where I get to a point of saying "f it." I'm not feeling that way about drinking (yet), but I do need to call out this behavior to make sure I don't get there.

Sorry to be a downer, but I hope everyone has a good day! I have a good morning planned at work, so hopefully that will put me on the right track in terms of my thinking.

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class,

Happy Monday! We were out with friends on Saturday night and didn't get home until 3am - and we had been dancing and on our feet since 8pm! It was great fun, but I was absolutely exhausted yesterday as a result and actually felt ill with tiredness! As a result I skipped out on my riding lesson and just took it easy for the day, which turned out pretty well as we ended up getting some surprise snow! Still feeling pretty tired today, but will make sure to get to the gym after work.

NL: I'm glad that the lice infestation was limited and has now been tackled! I'm really sorry to hear about the situation with your son's school - that sounds incredibly stressful, let alone having to try and hide your stress about it from your son and figure things out in the background. I hope it all works out. I had a little LOL at your husband's request re: the sweets. Understandably it wasn't the opportune time to get into it in front of your daughter and her friend, however I wonder if it might be a good way to bring up a conversation around support, and discuss in a non-confrontational way how you feel about his drinking patterns and feeling not wholly supported in your sobriety? The sweets situation may offer the perfect parallel to help him to see through your perspective? Just a thought!

Palmer: I know that out-of-control feeling of despair all too well and it is awful. I'm sorry you feel that way right now, all I can say is not to beat yourself up about 'not doing anything about it'. I think acknowledging that you feel that way is the first step, and it is by definition difficult to find your footing when you feel out of control, even when you know theoretically what you 'should' or 'could' do to try and help the situation, sometimes finding the motivation or the time to actually do so is a lot more difficult in reality. Try to go easy on yourself, as you have rightly pointed out, it sometimes just takes a little time to get right with yourself after a period of flux and chaos. It is definitely important to identify with those feelings though, so as not to let them consume you or spiral, as we all know where that slippery slope can lead.

Hi Dee, Scotty, Sunflower!

PalmerSage

NewChapter, thank you so much for giving me the perfect advice. It was exactly what I needed to hear - it's like I have two opposing forces, one says "treat yoself!" and the other says "what is wrong with you?" It's hard to explain, but that's why I appreciate you guys so much, always there to offer some much-needed perspective.

NewChapterJan18